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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bitter regret

111 replies

Monkeys1111 · 11/12/2022 21:16

My partner and I have been together for 10 years, I’m 35 he is 50. Bit of background, we don’t live together (his choice) but have a good relationship. We love each other dearly, sex has never been an issue.

about a year ago he started asking me to sleep with other men “for us” . Said it’s something he had always wanted - me to sleep with someone else and come back and share every detail with him (never mentioned it in the 9 years prior). I told him no, several times. He started to become distant and moody the more I refused and we broke up briefly. Got back together and it started again. constantly on at me to do it…

I know it’s not right but I eventually caved and started speaking to a man at my work (he also has a partner). This excited my boyfriend , I got caught up in the moment and went with it. Slept with the guy from twice, it didn’t make me feel particularly good about myself, but my partner became so loving and attentive. Almost obsessed with me, showering me with affection.

two weeks ago that all changed. He broke down crying telling me he had made a mistake and he was feeling really insecure and that we should never have done it. I broke it off with the work guy immediately, stopped all conversation. I was happy that my partner wanted me just for him (in my opinion the only way it should have ever been.

he’s been great since, we have seen each other lots. He’s been so lovely. Made me feel really special.

we were out yesterday, had a lovely day. Went back to his last nite everything was perfect. I wake up this morning to a drunk txt from work guy, nothing too much. Just drunk and reaching out. I immediately deleted it and never thought as that’s all finished now, and I didn’t want to bring it up and upset my partner.

he was off with me the full day, I asked wot was wrong for hours, he eventually said he seen the message and seen me delete it without telling him. So I’ve had to reassure him all day it was nothing. I only want him etc

I didn’t want any of this in the first place, now I’m left feeling vulnerable and like this is on me.

I don’t know what I’m looking to achieve by posting this. Maybe a hand hold or if anyone would have advice on what I can do to fix this

OP posts:
pog100 · 11/12/2022 21:24

Take a step back and read what you've just written, as an outsider. This man is so clearly a fucked up mess that you don't need in your life. He's much older than you and you will feel better if you get out now before he is an old fucked up mess, and find yourself a decent human being.

tickticksnooze · 11/12/2022 21:27

I think you fix this by exiting the relationship.

Original poster
Monkeys1111 · 11/12/2022 21:31

@pog100 i don’t know how I got here. I never wanted to do it.

I am still young, I’m considerably more attractive than he is but he likes to believe (and tell anyone who will listen) how I’m “punching” (above my weight being with him)

I’m starting to ask myself if this has his plan all along… get me to do this to make me feel vulnerable and pretty much beg/reassure/pacify him daily.

he definitely has the upper hand here

OP posts:
Tolatetotheparty · 11/12/2022 21:32

Yes, I would second the previous posters - you need to leave this relationship. He sounds odd and a bit messed up. Asking you to do stuff you don't want to do and putting pressure on you is not right. As the other person said, stand back and look at what you have written as if a friend had written it. I am sure you would be telling her to end the relationship and find someone who loves her without conditions.

Original poster
Monkeys1111 · 11/12/2022 21:32

My last txt do him tonite was me apologising for being “needy” today and saying I can’t lose him again that I wouldn’t survive that again.

why am I so weak!?

OP posts:
OutFortheBirds · 11/12/2022 21:33

OP, that’s horrid. Please leave this person. This isn’t love or a way to live. What a mind-f*r he is - sounds controlling and abusive.

IsThePopeCatholic · 11/12/2022 21:33

Please get rid of this animal. He is using you, manipulating you, abusing you. He’s awful. Don’t let him fuck you up any more.

mumoffourminimes · 11/12/2022 21:38

This is really f-ed up OP, I agree with everyone else. He's abusive and you need to leave him. I'm so sorry.

CPL593H · 11/12/2022 21:39

He is a vile controlling screw up who will destroy any confidence you have left if you let him. Choice of what to do is yours OP.

Bumpsadaisie · 11/12/2022 21:40

@OP what on Earth are you doing with a weird old man who (a) won't live with you and (b) pressured you into weird sexual kinks.

Leave and get your self a nice normal boyfriend your own age, with whom you can have an ordinary monogamous relationship, work towards living together and perhaps having a family together one day or at least getting married and buying a house together.

Ie something normal!!

mauvish · 11/12/2022 21:44

He doesn't respect you. And now he'd like you to believe that it's all your fault.

Don't fall for it. Yes, you had agency and yes, I suppose that ultimately you "chose" to go ahead with HIS fantasy, but if that was under coercion (and from your story it does sound that way), then he has a very large share of the blame himself. What's he going to suggest next? Pimping you out??

Please tell us that he doesn't have access to any compromising photos of you that he can put online ---

Why has this happened after many years together?? Is he covering for something that he's done??

Walk away. It might not sound easy, but if you want any shred of self respect, then walk away. (It will be a lot easier since you don't live together).

Tabitha888 · 11/12/2022 21:46

You're young enough to walk anyway and build a new life. Do it!

Marineboy67 · 11/12/2022 21:46

Get away as far as you can from him. Go through the pain of separation and when you look back you'll see this for the fucked up mess it is. He's a selfish freak know that there are men out there that will respect and treat you with kindness.

HalfLass · 11/12/2022 21:49

End it now. Get your friends and family to support you.

Dogsinthecradle · 11/12/2022 21:49

I’ve always told my children ‘if you don’t want to do something in bed,you have the right to say no,if the other person pushes it-finish them’
your not weak-your confused and can’t see a way out
if this guy had respect for you,he wouldn’t have mentioned it in the first place
’your punching above your weight’?
unless this bloke looks like Brad Pitt,is as funny as Ken Dodd,is hung like a donkey and spunks 50 notes then he’s the one doing the punching
your young and worth so much more
please walk away-do the freedom program and I promise that one day you’ll look back and think ‘wtf?’
you can do this and you deserve so much more than this Pratt
don’t let him drag you down-he will take your pride,dignity and self worth with him

Windtunnel · 11/12/2022 21:50

He's in a relationship with himself and his own neuroses, not you.
It's pointless.

TiAmoTiAmo · 11/12/2022 21:51

You're wasting your life. It's spectacular that you chose a partnered man from work out of all the men you could have shagged. It's very messed up that you opened yourself up for STDs and been pressured to have sex with other men to fulfil another man's fantasy. Fantasies and kinks are not a human right or a threat to life if you don't fulfil them. WTF is wrong with people?! 🙄
The only right thing in my view is for you to apologise to manipulating work guy, get a different job and break up with the older boyfriend and work on your self respect that you do these things.

Original poster
Monkeys1111 · 11/12/2022 21:51

@mauvish i don’t believe he’s done anything to cover up. And he doesn’t have any pictures… he got his kicks from reading me and the other guys messages and me telling him exactly wot went on in the back of his car 😢he even offered to pay for a hotel for us (me and the other guy) so we had more space to well…

now I’m having to deal with the aftermath of his insecurities of me doing something I never wanted to do in the first place

OP posts:
GonnaGetGoingReturns · 11/12/2022 21:52

End it now as others have said.

Because you’ve been with him a long time that’s why you feel scared and needy.

Themisthefacts · 11/12/2022 21:52

I’m sorry OP he is abusive and you need to get out.

pizzaHeart · 11/12/2022 21:54

Do you have his stuff in your home or yours in his?
Do you have anything joint e.g booked holiday or insurance or account or whatever?

TiAmoTiAmo · 11/12/2022 21:55

You've been manipulated and pressured but you're not coming out of this smelling of roses either. You might have been coerced into a cuck/open relationship thing but to go after a partnered guy was not necessary. You're both terrible tbh, both same pattern of using people to fulfil your own agenda. You're both users.

Pantsomime · 11/12/2022 21:55

You’ve been groomed and now it’s spilled over into your work life.
Leave or kick your partner out and have a drank face to face conversation with work mate to set record straight.

Original poster
Monkeys1111 · 11/12/2022 21:56

@TiAmoTiAmo i never purposely “chose” the guy from work to hurt anyone. I didn’t want to manipulate anyone. He was kind to me, he was a friend. It wasn’t just sex we spoke daily about most things.

I kno this doesn’t make it better, but believe me I couldn’t feel any worse than I do about the full thing

OP posts:
Original poster
Monkeys1111 · 11/12/2022 22:00

@pizzaHeart only shared things we have is a few holidays booked in the coming year… no massive loss to me

OP posts: