Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bitter regret

111 replies

Monkeys1111 · 11/12/2022 21:16

My partner and I have been together for 10 years, I’m 35 he is 50. Bit of background, we don’t live together (his choice) but have a good relationship. We love each other dearly, sex has never been an issue.

about a year ago he started asking me to sleep with other men “for us” . Said it’s something he had always wanted - me to sleep with someone else and come back and share every detail with him (never mentioned it in the 9 years prior). I told him no, several times. He started to become distant and moody the more I refused and we broke up briefly. Got back together and it started again. constantly on at me to do it…

I know it’s not right but I eventually caved and started speaking to a man at my work (he also has a partner). This excited my boyfriend , I got caught up in the moment and went with it. Slept with the guy from twice, it didn’t make me feel particularly good about myself, but my partner became so loving and attentive. Almost obsessed with me, showering me with affection.

two weeks ago that all changed. He broke down crying telling me he had made a mistake and he was feeling really insecure and that we should never have done it. I broke it off with the work guy immediately, stopped all conversation. I was happy that my partner wanted me just for him (in my opinion the only way it should have ever been.

he’s been great since, we have seen each other lots. He’s been so lovely. Made me feel really special.

we were out yesterday, had a lovely day. Went back to his last nite everything was perfect. I wake up this morning to a drunk txt from work guy, nothing too much. Just drunk and reaching out. I immediately deleted it and never thought as that’s all finished now, and I didn’t want to bring it up and upset my partner.

he was off with me the full day, I asked wot was wrong for hours, he eventually said he seen the message and seen me delete it without telling him. So I’ve had to reassure him all day it was nothing. I only want him etc

I didn’t want any of this in the first place, now I’m left feeling vulnerable and like this is on me.

I don’t know what I’m looking to achieve by posting this. Maybe a hand hold or if anyone would have advice on what I can do to fix this

OP posts:
surreygirl1987 · 11/12/2022 23:53

Whaaaat?!

NicLondon1 · 12/12/2022 00:09

Agree with everyone, this is not at all a healthy relationship and I cannot see how it can ever recover from this.
You do deserve so much better.

I worry that he will make it hard for you to leave, as he's clearly been having everything on his own terms and has groomed/controlled you for a decade...
Perhaps a good start is to get far away physically so he can't chase you?
Eg a holiday or sabbatical abroad so you can start to see things clearly and think straight. Imagine another life on your own terms.
Do you have a vision of a better life with a kinder person?

daisychain01 · 12/12/2022 00:22

What's stopping you from leaving him, OP?

you've had lots of supportive advice and that mainly involves not being involved with him any more.

why don't you get out of the relationship? You aren't married and you don't have children together.

Reindeersnooker · 12/12/2022 00:25

He's hard work.

CallieQ · 12/12/2022 00:56

Why are you with this man? He's at best hard work at worst totally messed up

heartbroken22 · 12/12/2022 00:59

One word... cuckold... I'd run a mile...

BadSantaToo · 12/12/2022 01:01

I thought I had read just about everything on here and then this comes along. This man does not love you. Please break away from him. Life should be like this sad sorry tale.

BadSantaToo · 12/12/2022 01:01

should NOT be

dolor · 12/12/2022 01:06

Oh lovely, he pushed you into being a cuckoldress for his cuckold fetish.

I know a fair bit about this, lots of men have it as a fantasy and push their partners into it. Some couples do and enjoy this without issue, you are clearly not into it though.

The problem is that lots of the men who are into it, can get really demanding and start to push the idea of multiple sex partners at the same time. Some of the requests are downright cruel and misogynistic, not to mention racist because many of the blokes into this, want to see their partners with Black men of whom are incredibly well hung. It's racist because they don't see Black men as human, they are only interested in the size of their penis, and don't care about the rest of him. Getting off on the race of someone else is raceplay, and is entirely racist UNLESS all involved are completely into it.

A lot of men also want this because they hate their partners and want to see them sexually abused. There's a spectrum to this, and it's mostly awful.

It's all about the cuckolds self satisfaction, and he clearly manipulated you into this. I would bet that his browser history is riddled with stuff from pornhub etc.

Please get rid of him. He manipulated you into this, and I suspect he might resent that it happened even though he pushed you into it.

You deserve a lot better than him. He won't ever change.

Pinkbluebells · 12/12/2022 03:11

You really should get rid of this perverted old codger. Why on earth would an attractive woman in her thirties put up with having sex in the back of cars to tell your partner about it so he is nice to her?

Your partner is deeply manipulative and you should get away as soon as you can. I am betting that at the beginning of the relationship you would never have thought that this was something you would do. I think you have been sucked so deeply into this relationship that normal boundaries have shifted. Normal men do not want their partners to have sex with other men and tell them about it.

Sunnidaze · 12/12/2022 03:56

Re-read what you've written (in all of your posts on this thread) as if it's a friend telling you what has happened in her relationship. When you were 25, you formed a relationship with a guy who was 15 years older than you. 10 years later you don't live together and he's pressured you into doing something sexually that you didn't want to do, for his gratification. Now he's holding it over you. Sounds pretty bad because it is pretty bad. You are so young, you have plenty of time to find a better relationship, have a family if you want etc. If you stay with your current partner, it's not going to get any better, but it could very well get worse.

AgentJohnson · 12/12/2022 04:02

He is all kinds of messed up and your vulnerability at the time of your meeting has meant he has been able to manipulate you. I hope this deep point is the catalyst to end this toxic union.

You aren’t responsible for this man’s issues but you are responsible for not distancing yourself from him and them.

cherriegarcia · 12/12/2022 04:50

He asked you to do something you didn't really want to do, which you did to keep him happy.

Now he's annoyed at you for doing it and saying it is making him feel insecure.

WTF?

This sounds like a minefield OP, from what you've posted I can't see anything good about this situation for you. Why are you with him?

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/12/2022 05:06

This sounds awful. You’re 35 with no kids, you should be having the best time. You’re in your prime. I’m about the same age as this man and I can tell you, I have changed and matured an incredible amount between your age and mine. What he’s doing to you is creepy. He’s taking advantage of a woman, who lost her parents at a young age. I was a teen when one of my parents died so I do understand how vulnerable you must have been and still are.

Please finish with him and get some therapy for you. What do you want to do in your life? Do you know this? If your plan was to have kids, you won’t be having them with him.

ShandaLear · 12/12/2022 05:15

He coerced you into sex with another man. Who does that to someone they’re supposed to love?

Original poster
Monkeys1111 · 12/12/2022 06:01

@dolor A lot of men also want this because they hate their partners and want to see them sexually abused. There's a spectrum to this, and it's mostly awful.

I have just woken up, and this has hit me hard 😥 thank you for being so honest and giving me an insight to something I know nothing about…. Truth be told I needed to hear this x

OP posts:
Original poster
Monkeys1111 · 12/12/2022 06:04

thanks so much to all of you for taking the time to reply and helping me through this. I have reread every comment this morning. and I feel disgusted, by him and by myself.

it’s time for me to finish this and try forge some sort of life for myself away from this messed up situation 💛

OP posts:
Original poster
Monkeys1111 · 12/12/2022 06:17

@Mummyoflittledragon i’m unsure what I want to do in my life, I’m unsure if I want kids. I love my job, I’ve worked hard to get there. But I just don’t know other than that.

there’s a scene in the runaway bride - she always eats her eggs the way her partner likes them, as she doesn’t kno any different than mirroring him/ keeping him happy. at the end of the film (when she decides to be on her own) she sits down and tries every type of egg there is to find out what SHE likes… I think about this scene often. Guess I’m a bit like that.

I just don’t know wot I want or like

OP posts:
ChristmasBallBall · 12/12/2022 08:07

He's a manipulative abuser with a cuck fetish.

What a pathetic and inadequate man. You can do so much better.

HundredMilesAnHour · 12/12/2022 08:18

Monkeys1111 · 12/12/2022 06:17

@Mummyoflittledragon i’m unsure what I want to do in my life, I’m unsure if I want kids. I love my job, I’ve worked hard to get there. But I just don’t know other than that.

there’s a scene in the runaway bride - she always eats her eggs the way her partner likes them, as she doesn’t kno any different than mirroring him/ keeping him happy. at the end of the film (when she decides to be on her own) she sits down and tries every type of egg there is to find out what SHE likes… I think about this scene often. Guess I’m a bit like that.

I just don’t know wot I want or like

Then you need to take some time out and find out who you are. Go invest in yourself. Try new things, go to new places, have different eggs every day until you decide what YOU like. You need to learn to love yourself OP. BEFORE you get involved with a man! Go find your self-esteem, work out what your boundaries are and start to value yourself. If you can afford it, a therapist will help a lot.

qpmz · 12/12/2022 12:37

YOU have the upper hand, not him. You are younger, more attractive and more together than him. You can meet someone else when the time's right. He's a washed up, manipulative weirdo. He doesn't even want to live together after all these years!

Can you go and stay with a friend or relative for a while or invite them to stay with you?

Bestcatmum · 12/12/2022 12:45

What an absolute twat - he is deliberately messing with your head. nobody should be made to do anything they don't want. He is much to old to act in this absurd manner unless he is a Jimmy Saville style pervert which is sounds like he is.
I'd dump him like a bog stome off a bridge.
My exH after 20 years together suddenly wanted me to dress up in rubber and go to swinging clubs - I dumped him right away.

Bestcatmum · 12/12/2022 12:45

Big stone even.

whattodo1975 · 12/12/2022 12:52

You know when you were 25 and people were advising you not to get with a 40 year old man, this is why.

billy1966 · 12/12/2022 12:58

Oh OP, you poor pet. I could cry for you, losing your parents and then being targeted and vulnerable to this utter piece of scum.

You sound so lovely and have achieved so much.

You desperately need to find an excellent therapist to support you as you unpick your grief and fully emotionally detach from this odious creep.

You have so much to offer and so much you could receive in a healthy relationship.

You deserve a healthy loving relationship not this utter shit show with a predatory old creep.

Don't waste any further time with him.

Focus on yourself and finding the best support you can to help you heal and find a new path for yourself.

We are here for you anytime.

Swipe left for the next trending thread