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Original poster

Bitter regret

111 replies

Monkeys1111 · 11/12/2022 21:16

My partner and I have been together for 10 years, I’m 35 he is 50. Bit of background, we don’t live together (his choice) but have a good relationship. We love each other dearly, sex has never been an issue.

about a year ago he started asking me to sleep with other men “for us” . Said it’s something he had always wanted - me to sleep with someone else and come back and share every detail with him (never mentioned it in the 9 years prior). I told him no, several times. He started to become distant and moody the more I refused and we broke up briefly. Got back together and it started again. constantly on at me to do it…

I know it’s not right but I eventually caved and started speaking to a man at my work (he also has a partner). This excited my boyfriend , I got caught up in the moment and went with it. Slept with the guy from twice, it didn’t make me feel particularly good about myself, but my partner became so loving and attentive. Almost obsessed with me, showering me with affection.

two weeks ago that all changed. He broke down crying telling me he had made a mistake and he was feeling really insecure and that we should never have done it. I broke it off with the work guy immediately, stopped all conversation. I was happy that my partner wanted me just for him (in my opinion the only way it should have ever been.

he’s been great since, we have seen each other lots. He’s been so lovely. Made me feel really special.

we were out yesterday, had a lovely day. Went back to his last nite everything was perfect. I wake up this morning to a drunk txt from work guy, nothing too much. Just drunk and reaching out. I immediately deleted it and never thought as that’s all finished now, and I didn’t want to bring it up and upset my partner.

he was off with me the full day, I asked wot was wrong for hours, he eventually said he seen the message and seen me delete it without telling him. So I’ve had to reassure him all day it was nothing. I only want him etc

I didn’t want any of this in the first place, now I’m left feeling vulnerable and like this is on me.

I don’t know what I’m looking to achieve by posting this. Maybe a hand hold or if anyone would have advice on what I can do to fix this

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 11/12/2022 22:00

What an absolute toxic disaster. This man has zero respect for you. Dump this pathetic loser and never compromise your morals or boundaries ever again.

VisaGeezer · 11/12/2022 22:00

I often find men who go for significantly younger women do so for a reason, and the reason is rarely a kind/nice one.

They often think they're easier to manipulate. Esp when they want relationships that are in some way unfair/off the bracket.

Quite honestly a 50 yr old, lives alone, going out with a woman almost young enough to be his daughter, pushing her into cuckold situations, then going all insecure and shitty about it. Red flags galore. He's a weirdo.

You didn't even want to get into the cuckolding thing, it dudht make you feel good. Afaics he coerced and manipulated you into it.

No offence but what are you doing with a much older bloke who's not even particularly attractive (you says he's punching), and who'd got weird fetishes that you don't actually share. It's not like you met him on fet life. He raised it, he badgered, you ended up broken up over it, I feel like you did it rather than break up/be broken up with again. Now you're getting shit for it.

You're selling yourself incredibly short even without this, which is consider abuse actually.

hattie43 · 11/12/2022 22:01

What a dysfunctional relationship.

OutFortheBirds · 11/12/2022 22:01

Don’t waste your life, leave him. Find a new job.
New start. Isn’t not too late.

mauvish · 11/12/2022 22:01

and your partner isn't going to help you feel better, he's going to make you feel worse.

KeepingItReal2017 · 11/12/2022 22:03

Leave this manipulator

VisaGeezer · 11/12/2022 22:04

25 and 40 was creepy as fuck incidentally.

Fk, if you were my daughter, I'd have used any means possible to persuade him to move on, and you to form a relationship with an age appropriate, decent young man closer to your age.

Why have your family not looked out for you on that front?

I feel like there might be a lot going on with you.

Original poster
Monkeys1111 · 11/12/2022 22:07

@VisaGeezer i don’t have family. Both of my parents passed away before I was 25

OP posts:
Guavafish1 · 11/12/2022 22:10

You’re not happy and I don’t think you’ll every please your partner too.

i think you need to look after yourself first… you seem lost into him and forgot what makes you happy

VisaGeezer · 11/12/2022 22:10

Said it’s something he had always wanted - me to sleep with someone else and come back and share every detail with him (never mentioned it in the 9 years prior).

So he's hid and never mentioned a cuckold fetish for 9 yrs?

Seems very unlikely.

He's not being honest for some reason.

More like he's become porn addled, or gone down some rabbit hole online, developed a fetish.

I'd suspect it's also down to some inabilit- or expected inability - to perform sexually. Maybe he thinks he'll set it up so you get a sex life on the side and stay with him rather than leave him if he can't perform in future.

Not saying you would, just that he might be thinking, in a base way, that you would if he can't perform..... He's hitting prime time for many men (not all before I get jumped on) to start really experiencing ed etc.

VisaGeezer · 11/12/2022 22:13

Monkeys1111 · 11/12/2022 22:07

@VisaGeezer i don’t have family. Both of my parents passed away before I was 25

Very sorry to hear that.

That's very young to have lost both parents.

What might they have made if the relationship & age gap?

I don't know many people who'd be happy with it for their daughter.

I feel like he took advantage of that (you not having that guidance and "protection" to get involved with you.

Why has the relationship not moved to even living together, let alone marriage, kids etc in nearly a decade incidentally?

(Not that I think it should, I think you should gtfo of there m).

SallyWD · 11/12/2022 22:14

I'm sure I read exactly the same post a few months ago. All the details were the same. Anyone else remember it?

Original poster
Monkeys1111 · 11/12/2022 22:16

@VisaGeezer funnily enough…

we were away for the weekend a month (pre me and the work guy) or so ago and I was joking my online search history made me look like a man - mostly football etc and showed him

he opened his and he had searched my name…
then “why do young women like older men” (something to that effect)
and viagra.

as I said in my original post sex has never been an issue, but it has slowed down, lessened

OP posts:
blacksax · 11/12/2022 22:16

He is a disgusting pervert. Dump him.

PoseyFlump · 11/12/2022 22:17

There's a word in the English language called 'no'. You need to use it more often. But honestly, if he asked you to jump off a cliff, would you? Sleeping with someone's partner was low. Are you sure you're not using your partner's request as an excuse because you wanted the affair? Is your partner having penile dysfunction issues?

Original poster
Monkeys1111 · 11/12/2022 22:17

@SallyWD i promise this is my first time posting about this. Literally happening today

OP posts:
youtwoandme · 11/12/2022 22:18

Get rid of him and DO NOT sleep with other married men!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PoseyFlump · 11/12/2022 22:18

SallyWD · 11/12/2022 22:14

I'm sure I read exactly the same post a few months ago. All the details were the same. Anyone else remember it?

Not this one but I read a thread earlier that I'm sure I'd read before. Always seems to happen at the weekend.

Original poster
Monkeys1111 · 11/12/2022 22:20

@VisaGeezer he doesn’t want to live together or have kids… he has always said “he wants to miss me”

like if we lived together wot we have wouldn’t be the same. It would grow stale. He would get bored

OP posts:
cherry2727 · 11/12/2022 22:21

What a toxic relationship!!!!! This cannot be real!!! Do you lack this much confidence that you'd sleep with another man because your partner threw a hissy fit??! He blatantly doesn't respect you nor love you! He's a dirty pig using you for his dirty , sexual gratification! I have no advise for you really! I doubt you will listen to any so good luck!!

Tilllly · 11/12/2022 22:21

Definitely leave before it gets worse. And it will

Can you access some counselling to help you unpick all these feelings?

Has he told you anything about previous relationships?

Ihadenough22 · 11/12/2022 22:23

This man is 50 and your 35. You been a couple for years but don't live together because he does not want to. He is then pushing you into sleeping with other men and kept going on at you till you did this for him. Now your so called boyfriend is jealous over this.
Along with this he keeps telling you - you know that your shooting above your weight with me and saying things like this in front of people you both know.

I think it's time that you told your so called boyfriend that it's over between you. He is offering you nothing. He is just using you for sex, his fantasies and then he is just bringing you down.
He is making you feel that you have no options but you have.

My feeling is that he got involved with you and thought you be happy with him offering you so little. You a lot younger than him and my feeling is that a woman of his age or closer to his age would not put up with him or this rubbish.

Most women of your age want to be in a decent relationship and this relationship is not it.
Leave him and meet someone decent near your own age who you can have a good life with.

Do you want to end up being his career in time? With 15 years of an age difference their is a good chance that could happen. You still be in work and he will be retired. By then he want you living with him so you can mind him.

Mirabai · 11/12/2022 22:24

This relationship is all about what he wants not what you want. Do you more have a will of your own?

Original poster
Monkeys1111 · 11/12/2022 22:24

@Tilllly he’s been married once… terrible split. Was single for 2 years then met me

OP posts:
PoseyFlump · 11/12/2022 22:24

Monkeys1111 · 11/12/2022 22:20

@VisaGeezer he doesn’t want to live together or have kids… he has always said “he wants to miss me”

like if we lived together wot we have wouldn’t be the same. It would grow stale. He would get bored

He's probably shagging other people himself. What a fuck up. You sound very young for 35.