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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Bitter regret

111 replies

Monkeys1111 · 11/12/2022 21:16

My partner and I have been together for 10 years, I’m 35 he is 50. Bit of background, we don’t live together (his choice) but have a good relationship. We love each other dearly, sex has never been an issue.

about a year ago he started asking me to sleep with other men “for us” . Said it’s something he had always wanted - me to sleep with someone else and come back and share every detail with him (never mentioned it in the 9 years prior). I told him no, several times. He started to become distant and moody the more I refused and we broke up briefly. Got back together and it started again. constantly on at me to do it…

I know it’s not right but I eventually caved and started speaking to a man at my work (he also has a partner). This excited my boyfriend , I got caught up in the moment and went with it. Slept with the guy from twice, it didn’t make me feel particularly good about myself, but my partner became so loving and attentive. Almost obsessed with me, showering me with affection.

two weeks ago that all changed. He broke down crying telling me he had made a mistake and he was feeling really insecure and that we should never have done it. I broke it off with the work guy immediately, stopped all conversation. I was happy that my partner wanted me just for him (in my opinion the only way it should have ever been.

he’s been great since, we have seen each other lots. He’s been so lovely. Made me feel really special.

we were out yesterday, had a lovely day. Went back to his last nite everything was perfect. I wake up this morning to a drunk txt from work guy, nothing too much. Just drunk and reaching out. I immediately deleted it and never thought as that’s all finished now, and I didn’t want to bring it up and upset my partner.

he was off with me the full day, I asked wot was wrong for hours, he eventually said he seen the message and seen me delete it without telling him. So I’ve had to reassure him all day it was nothing. I only want him etc

I didn’t want any of this in the first place, now I’m left feeling vulnerable and like this is on me.

I don’t know what I’m looking to achieve by posting this. Maybe a hand hold or if anyone would have advice on what I can do to fix this

OP posts:

Luckingfovely · 11/12/2022 22:27

Please get away from him immediately. I really can't think of anything else to say.

Original poster

Monkeys1111 · 11/12/2022 22:29

@PoseyFlump not young. Just a bit lost and naive. I met him just after I had just lost both of my parents (two years apart) and I think I just hung onto him and didn’t want to lose him.

I’m actually quite successful, completed uni, have a good job. I’m just in a situation and not sure how I ended up here.

as I’ve said previously I don’t feel great about myself you can’t make me feel any worse

OP posts:

Layersoftaytoes · 11/12/2022 22:42

It’s very manipulating. I’m sorry you’ve been on this crazy rollercoaster. This is all his doing

HundredMilesAnHour · 11/12/2022 22:42

OP this awful man took advantage of you at a time when you were vulnerable after the loss of your parents, and he continues to take advantage of you in increasingly horrible ways.

Please keep away from him. Get some therapy. You deserve so much better!!

VisaGeezer · 11/12/2022 22:42

Ignore the tactless (understatement) posters on here, honestly if they spoke to ppl irl the way they do on here, they'd end up smacked on a regular basis.

He doesn't want kids

Do you?.

Aside from everything else (and there's a lot) that is a major major issue if you would like them, or think you may in future.

Onthemaintrunkline · 11/12/2022 22:43

I’m not going to give you any advice, I’d simply be echoing the replies of all the posters up thread. This is one sick relationship you are involved in.

VisaGeezer · 11/12/2022 22:43

HundredMilesAnHour · 11/12/2022 22:42

OP this awful man took advantage of you at a time when you were vulnerable after the loss of your parents, and he continues to take advantage of you in increasingly horrible ways.

Please keep away from him. Get some therapy. You deserve so much better!!

100%

Mirabai · 11/12/2022 22:43

You ended up here by making a choice to be with him. You can choose something different.

VisaGeezer · 11/12/2022 22:47

You're a smart, lovely sounding, attractive 30 something woman .... You can do much better than a half century old, doesn't want kids, doesn't want to live together, creepy, fetish fixated (except he doesn't even have the courage of conviction around his fetish; he's whining about it after yes coerced you to do it), coercive, manipulative much older man with pending pecker issues.

OutFortheBirds · 11/12/2022 22:48

Don’t mind the few people being nasty here.
They haven’t lived your life.

You can do it. Make the change.

Summerfun54321 · 11/12/2022 22:50

Stop being so hard on yourself. You are where you are, you’ve learnt a lot along the way and now it’s time to wave him off to therapy and carry on with your successful life without him.

Original poster

Monkeys1111 · 11/12/2022 22:51

@VisaGeezer @OutFortheBirds thank you.

I knew I was going to get a bit of grief. I know I’m not innocent in this all. But I appreciate you being so nice

OP posts:

Leaves1 · 11/12/2022 22:51

It’s a control thing
seen it before .
it gets worse as does your self esteem.
please leave .

youre not a fool or bad but if you stay you will believe you are
sending a hug

determinedtomakethiswork · 11/12/2022 22:51

You made a huge mistake being with this man in the first place, but you really mustn't compound that mistake by staying with him.

He is really putting you in your place isn't he? He's controlling how you have sex and with whom. He's telling you that you of all people are punching above your weight with him. Let me tell you that nobody in the world would think that. He is a pathetic, middle-aged sleazy man who can't get it up anymore and needs you to fulfil his sexual fantasies. Tell him to fuck off.

Original poster

Monkeys1111 · 11/12/2022 22:54

@VisaGeezer the kids thing has never been a massive issue for me. He has 2 adult children, it’s not something that’s been high on my agenda

OP posts:

LolaButt · 11/12/2022 22:55

In time, you will look back on this moment and be proud of how strong you were to break free of it all.

He sounds manipulative and not someone who wants the best for you. I always believe that someone who loves you would never want you to be feeling as horrid as you do right now.

This man will not be the one to break your spirit.

Sittingonabench · 11/12/2022 23:00

You do sound a bit lost and I do feel for you. There are many reasons you could have gotten yourself into this position and why he has put you in this position. Based on what you’ve put here it is likely both of your insecurities have played a big part but have driven you apart. I don’t think it’s a healthy relationship and I don’t think I could come back from this if I were you. Honestly at your age I would make a clean break from the guy. I might look for a career move (upwards or better in some way). Not really to run away but because a clean break and space would be helpful to really reflect on how you got here and how to make sure it didn’t happen again

Bumpsadaisie · 11/12/2022 23:02

Monkeys1111 · 11/12/2022 22:20

@VisaGeezer he doesn’t want to live together or have kids… he has always said “he wants to miss me”

like if we lived together wot we have wouldn’t be the same. It would grow stale. He would get bored

Exactly.

He is not a normal man and you can't have a normal healthy relationship with this man.

Original poster

Monkeys1111 · 11/12/2022 23:03

@Leaves1 can it get worse than this?

(thanks for the hug. I needed that)

OP posts:

Jewel7 · 11/12/2022 23:13

In some weird way it sounds like he has pushed you to hurt him. Now he is punishing you for doing what he wanted. This doesn’t sound happy, it sounds toxic. Shouldn’t your relationship be easier than this. I’m wondering why he behaves that way. Sounds like he needs therapy.

VisaGeezer · 11/12/2022 23:13

I can't think why he's have had a nasty split and divorce from the mother of his two (now adult) kids 🙄

And he's probably portrayed it as the reason he hasn't wanted to live together, get married etc. etc.

I'm sure his ex could tell you a tale or two from her side.

Original poster

Monkeys1111 · 11/12/2022 23:16

@Jewel7 @VisaGeezer we tried couple therapy (in the early days) about his lack of commitment etc…

the therapist basically implied, I wasn’t the “problem” and he refused to go back. Said it was a waste of money

OP posts:

VisaGeezer · 11/12/2022 23:18

In some weird way it sounds like he has pushed you to hurt him

Who knows what's going on in his addled brain but I think it smacks of a man thinking/knowing his more or less generation younger gf - who he only got cause she was vulnerable - will probably find their sex life shit as he progresses into possible ED (for which he's already looking up Viagra) and he's strategized to keep her, while substituting a sex life elsewhere, which hasn't worked/has backfired ... Cause he idiotically didn't consider the emotional side of it.

VisaGeezer · 11/12/2022 23:20

Monkeys1111 · 11/12/2022 23:16

@Jewel7 @VisaGeezer we tried couple therapy (in the early days) about his lack of commitment etc…

the therapist basically implied, I wasn’t the “problem” and he refused to go back. Said it was a waste of money

Then she correctly identified he was/is the problem.

Honestly if a 15 yrs younger girl, who'd lost both parents young, came to me in that situation; I'd be trying to "help" her to leave. Professionally perhaps she felt she couldn't do that though.

Closetbeanmuncher · 11/12/2022 23:29

why am I so weak!?

I wouldn’t say you’re weak, more misguided and vulnerable.

Seriously though this guy is a basket case and certainty isn’t going to provide you with any of the security you lost when your parents passed.

The only guaranteed constant in your life is you Monkey, and you will be surprised at how powerful you become once you come to terms with that, and ditch this car crash of a relationship.

Have some faith in yourself.

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