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Original poster

Losing patience with my husband and his illnesses

128 replies

ChangedOfNameYetAgain · 04/12/2022 16:09

I know, I sound really unreasonable, but hear me out.

We've got 2 year old twins and not very much support. I do what I can with them in the week, but always look forward to having an extra pair of hands at the weekend so we can do more together.

It seems like every Friday lately DH comes down with a "bug". I'm starting to think that it's psychological. For example, this week he heard that his friend has got covid, and within half an hour he decided that he was coming down with it too. He's been in bed for the last 2 days, saying he feels terrible and everything hurts. But he looks perfectly fine to me, with no sign of... Well... Anything. I think there is a certain element of piss taking, but it's more than that. He's also convinced he has arthritis and has bought some special gloves this week. It's always something. He's always been a bit like this, but much more since the twins arrived. A while ago I made him go to the GP to see if there is actually something wrong with him, but nothing was found.

I have really lost patience and sympathy, especially since I could only have dreamed of 2 days in bed when I had tonsillitis recently. It's so unfair. I have high blood pressure which isn't controlled yet, and the twins are going through a very difficult patch. I feel so wound up all the time and keep snapping at my poor DC.

If I do LTB, it won't be for a couple of years when things will be much easier for me. I have spent a long time weighing up the pros and cons, it just wouldn't be wise at the moment.

What can I do in the meantime? He gets very upset and defensive when I've hinted that he might not be as ill as he says he is. I'm just fed up and so worn down doing everything by myself all the time.

OP posts:
Bewitched005 · 04/12/2022 16:13

Did he do a covid test? There are lots of bugs going round at the moment, besides covid. But, you wouldn't be able to spend 2 days in bed as you have the twins. He doesn't sound as if he is considering you.
I wouldn't have thought it a proper reason to be thinking about leaving, though. Marriages have their ups and downs, and you don't just leave at the first sign that things aren't perfect.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 04/12/2022 16:16

Maybe you'll come down with it next and have to spend the weekend in bed?

SarahMused · 04/12/2022 16:16

If he’s been in bed for the last two days is he eating and drinking? If he still has his appetite and no obvious symptoms like a temperature, cough etc I would insist he does his share like you had to when you were ill.

liarliarshortsonfire · 04/12/2022 16:27

Why will it be easier for you to leave in a few years time? Sounds like you're a single parent most of the time anyway? I'm not saying LTB, but you need to sit down with him and make him see how this looks, he either gets some cbt or goes to the gp. As for your tonsillitis, next time do go to bed for 2 days c he can either step up on the weekend or take time off work

Toomanysleepycats · 04/12/2022 16:38

Can you pay for extra help in the house? I know you shouldn’t have to, and your husband should at least be helping as much as he can.

I used to have a 15 year old neighbours child pop in and play with my toddler. It just meant I could just get on with other jobs around the house.

Alternatively, set yourself up like a triage nurse. If he hasn’t got a temperature, isn’t vomiting, no rash or hot swollen joints, he’s good to go.

Original poster
ChangedOfNameYetAgain · 04/12/2022 16:41

Yes he's done 2 covid tests, both negative. He's been laying in bed eating takeaways and coming down for a cup of tea every now and then. Frankly he just doesn't appear to be unwell!

I agree that this alone isn't worth leaving him over, of course! I feel like it's the final nail in the coffin, he's become more and more of a manchild since we had the twins and he's really let me down. We've been married for 9 years and used to be quite happy :(

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 04/12/2022 16:41

What would he have done if you put the twins in the room he is in and go out?

IhearyouClemFandango · 04/12/2022 16:42

It alone would have me considering leaving him. It is indicative of a lot of very unpleasant things.

Original poster
ChangedOfNameYetAgain · 04/12/2022 16:44

toomuchlaundry · 04/12/2022 16:41

What would he have done if you put the twins in the room he is in and go out?

Given me a huge earache for the next few days, which he does even at the best of times! He doesn't seem to understand that we don't come first anymore.

OP posts:
Cantbebotheredwithausername · 04/12/2022 16:45

My DP and I try to share the load, even when one of us is a bit under the weather. Staying in bed is for when you're really sick (puking, high temperature or the like) but not if you're a bit tired, sore, stuffy nose and "off." If I were you I wouldn't discuss his level of sickness with him, but simply ask him to help you out (if necessary, remind him that you also pulled your weight when you had tonsilitis).

Original poster
ChangedOfNameYetAgain · 04/12/2022 16:45

Toomanysleepycats · 04/12/2022 16:38

Can you pay for extra help in the house? I know you shouldn’t have to, and your husband should at least be helping as much as he can.

I used to have a 15 year old neighbours child pop in and play with my toddler. It just meant I could just get on with other jobs around the house.

Alternatively, set yourself up like a triage nurse. If he hasn’t got a temperature, isn’t vomiting, no rash or hot swollen joints, he’s good to go.

Thank you, unfortunately we can't afford to outsource anything. I like the triage idea though!

OP posts:
Smearywindowsagain · 04/12/2022 16:49

Sounds dubious to say the least. 2 is a very challenging age and you have two of them?! I have one and wish I could go to bed for two days but you just don’t. If he’s eating takeaways he’s clearly not that ill

RandomMess · 04/12/2022 16:55

Take the DC upstairs and tell him you are very unwell and go and sit in the bath for 2 hours or spare room if you have one.

He is utterly taking the piss you can't afford take away and he's not very unwell if he's eating.

diddl · 04/12/2022 17:00

So he pretends to be ill to get a weekend in bed?

Doubtless if you did the same he'd be in every few minutes for help or the kids would keep finding their way in to you?

Anywhere you could go for a couple of days & just leave him to it?

Has nyour high blood pressure coincided with him being useless?

MintJulia · 04/12/2022 17:04

Stop feeding him, shopping and cooking for him, providing him with drinks and clean PJs. Make the lazy bugger get up and do them himself.

Take the children to visit a close relative. Leave him to be bored and pathetic on his own. Hypochondria is only fun with an audience. 😊

Rudolfthepurple · 04/12/2022 17:06

Have you pointed out that you didn’t get days in bed when you had tonsillitis (which is obvs a genuine and nasty illness)? There’s just a clear unfairness there that he should be able to see.

Also, would he agree to marriage counselling to address your general unhappiness? And how are things shared between you generally?

Soothsayer1 · 04/12/2022 17:08

Anywhere you could go for a couple of days & just leave him to it?
problem is he's likely to make sure that the children suffer so that she doesn't do it again, he wont want to act like a competent parent because that undermines his overall plan to duck out of doing the boring menial work.
I would ignore him and not do anything for him, only acknowledge him if he behaves in a helpful way...otherwise just cut him out of the loop & starve him of attention.
It might be possible to train him like this?

Lemonlady22 · 04/12/2022 17:10

Diddums , I would be telling him to go to his mothers if he’s such a poorly boy, you don’t want the children getting it. Then sending all his washing etc too. Tell him that you thought you married a man and it appears you made a mistake. Two kids is so much easier than 3. What a selfish prick!

Longestnight · 04/12/2022 17:10

So he’s literally ordering takeaways from his bed? And presumably well enough to eat them. Are they just for him or the whole family?

TellerTuesday · 04/12/2022 17:10

reallyworriedjobhunter · 04/12/2022 16:16

Maybe you'll come down with it next and have to spend the weekend in bed?

100% this, he's blatantly taking the piss so tomorrow or the day after you will have to take to your bed and tell him you've caught his bug from him.

oakleaffy · 04/12/2022 17:10

ChangedOfNameYetAgain · 04/12/2022 16:41

Yes he's done 2 covid tests, both negative. He's been laying in bed eating takeaways and coming down for a cup of tea every now and then. Frankly he just doesn't appear to be unwell!

I agree that this alone isn't worth leaving him over, of course! I feel like it's the final nail in the coffin, he's become more and more of a manchild since we had the twins and he's really let me down. We've been married for 9 years and used to be quite happy :(

Children really can affect the dynamic of a relationship, Sounds like this is happening to you, too.
Twins are very hard work- Your husband probably finds it rather boring at this stage..(Hence escaping into imagined illnesses)
Things might improve as they get older?

picklemewalnuts · 04/12/2022 17:14

Get in first. Before he opens his mouth tell him you feel a bit weird, think you are going to faint, need to lie down before you fall down.

"Thank goodness you are here to keep and eye on the kids. I'll let you know if I need you to call a doctor..."

Let him be the heroic dad who saves the day. It's pathetic but some men need to feel important when their children come along. He can't be important in the way he was when there were just two of you. He needs to find a new important role.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/12/2022 17:17

Could be fibromyalgia, rather than hypochondria. Or an inflammatory/autoimmune disease that the GP, as they frequently do, has missed - his hands hurting, pain and tiredness does match the symptom profile for autoimmune diseases such as Psoriatic Arthritis, sero negative Rheumatoid Arthritis and the like.

Soothsayer1 · 04/12/2022 17:18

Before he opens his mouth tell him you feel a bit weird, think you are going to faint, need to lie down before you fall down
I like this but I think it needs to be used very strategically for max effect, so that it sabotages something he REALLY wants

honeylulu · 04/12/2022 17:24

He doesn't seem to understand that we don't he doesn't come first anymore

There, fixed that for you.