Losing patience with my husband and his illnesses

[ChangedOfNameYetAgain]

I know, I sound really unreasonable, but hear me out.

We've got 2 year old twins and not very much support. I do what I can with them in the week, but always look forward to having an extra pair of hands at the weekend so we can do more together.

It seems like every Friday lately DH comes down with a "bug". I'm starting to think that it's psychological. For example, this week he heard that his friend has got covid, and within half an hour he decided that he was coming down with it too. He's been in bed for the last 2 days, saying he feels terrible and everything hurts. But he looks perfectly fine to me, with no sign of... Well... Anything. I think there is a certain element of piss taking, but it's more than that. He's also convinced he has arthritis and has bought some special gloves this week. It's always something. He's always been a bit like this, but much more since the twins arrived. A while ago I made him go to the GP to see if there is actually something wrong with him, but nothing was found.

I have really lost patience and sympathy, especially since I could only have dreamed of 2 days in bed when I had tonsillitis recently. It's so unfair. I have high blood pressure which isn't controlled yet, and the twins are going through a very difficult patch. I feel so wound up all the time and keep snapping at my poor DC.

If I do LTB, it won't be for a couple of years when things will be much easier for me. I have spent a long time weighing up the pros and cons, it just wouldn't be wise at the moment.

What can I do in the meantime? He gets very upset and defensive when I've hinted that he might not be as ill as he says he is. I'm just fed up and so worn down doing everything by myself all the time.

Does he genuinely believe he is sick? One symptom of my DH’s depression was severe hypochondria. It was incredibly difficult to deal with because I was so frustrated with him, so bored of hearing about it, so sick of having to carry the can because he thought he was about to drop dead… and yet he really genuinely believed the ailments were real. It was an awful time and we were both angry for very different reasons, it was only resolved by taking the right medication and dealing with his depression.

if he’s just being a lazy git he needs a massive kick up the arse. If it’s MH he still needs a massive kick up the arse but also some professional help. You are best placed to understand whether you have a DH with a MH problem or a DH who is lazy and selfish and what that would mean for the rest of your life.

Christ, get the poor man a cup of man the fk up.

I swear, people are so increasingly wet these days

Is the splint on his wanking arm?

He's been laying in bed eating takeaways and coming down for a cup of tea every now and then.

Sounds like a pretty good weekend that.

Let me guess he has a TV and an xbox in there with him as well?

I have fibro and it would be fantastic if my flare ups could be scheduled for the weekend! As it is, I'm in pain all the time, I often walk with a stick at 32 years old and a flare knocks me on my arse whenever it feels like it. I work but even on days that I have to be in the office, I am never without my plug-in heat pad because painkillers do nothing.

Fibro also comes with delightful long-term symptoms like IBS and insomnia, so it's unlikely the OP would have missed that.

He's obviously at it. He just doesn't want to parent his own kids.

Get him on Vit D, OP, agree that he shouldn't be feeling ill all the time, make loud noises about him needing to up his fitness & wellbeing, think about gym membership or push him to start running, overhaul his diet and cut out the crap. Make it really impossible for him to combine feeling below parr with getting a takeaway & generally enjoying himself in bed.

Can't speak for anybody else, especially seeing as the doctors if mumsnet have pronounced him healthy, but how I dealt with it was saving my suicidal ideation up for when I was too exhausted after working all week to do anything about it. When the ex wasn't accusing me of making it up for attention or because I was mental. Or threatening me. Sometimes physically. Or stopping me from eating. Or leaving the house. Or having the lights on. Or reading books. Or when I had the confirmed diagnosis, being so angry that I wasn't lying, accusing me of making it happen with the power of my mind, leaving and never lifting a finger to care for his child as it might help me a scrap somewhere along the way.

You lot would have loved him.

Could you talk with a therapist and stage an intervention?

"I've just treated us to a takeaway for tonight so you don't have to cook while I'm out of action". Frames it so I'm supposed to be thankful for his contribution to the day!

That gave ME the ick. God only knows how you felt op.

I have an autoimmune disease, and for about a millisecond I was wondering whether you were being harsh, it is a hidden disability and not one that is easy to live with. I hate the supports etc I sometimes need etc. But!!!! He has been checked no sign of it medically AND it does not automatically appear every weekend!!!! WTAF

Cheering at the football???

I would have pulled the curtains, turfed in out of bed and told him to get his scrawny backside down the stairs and do some parenting!! You are a greater person than me for holding back as you have.

Book yourself a spa day next weekend op and leave him to it.

Play him at his own game - next time complains of something say ‘do you know, I think I’ve got that too. I’ve been waiting for you so I can go have a lie down’ Do it everytime and he’ll soon get the message

How can any woman have patence with a father who is allowed to opt out of parenting because it's "boring". Lots of parenting is boring, but mother's don't get to feign illness and take to their beds for the weekend. The excuses for men being useless are so infuriating.

It's actually a lot easier raising twins as a single Mother than it is with a useless man child.
Waiting 2 years isn't going to miraculously make raising twins easier.
I left my twin DCs Dad when they were 5 months old and, of course it was hard, with zero bio family to support and my friends slowly faded away.
Just not feeling resentful about my feckless twat of a husband made each day with the twins easier, although I never got a break.

Looks as though he's competing with the kids, to get the most attention. I would call him out on it.

My ex DH was like this. Any extended time with the DCs and he was ill. He ruined every holiday we had (fell ill as soon as we arrived) and always caught any bug I had within minutes of me saying I thought I had something, and was then of course sooo much ill-er than me. It was totally psychological. He just couldn't cope with the pressure of having 2 small DCs. I did divorce him...and he has since realised just how bloody useless he was and even apologised (too late now, useless bastard!) Interestingly, another pp mentions being older parents - yep, that was a factor for us too.

Tell him you are seriously worried about his health and want to get insurance in case he dies early. Keep a chart (let him see it) with all his symptoms on it, with dates and what he's done to "help improve things".

Keep the chart somewhere that others can see. As soon as he complains about anything, whip out a pen and write it down.

Oh yes men DO love to complain about their 'ailments' don't they? The older they get the worse it gets. If you DO want to leave, get out now. There will never be a good time. Mine is nearly 60 now, and has a different ailment every month. When he runs out he goes back to the start. He's back to his 'bad shoulder' again now that he had 3 years ago. Does my fucking head in some weeks. I have to switch off, or I'd need a shovel and an alibi!

Also, men just LOVE to develop 'illnesses' to get out of family commitments and responsibilities. I know a number of women (with school age/young children) who husbands are always ill all over Christmas. As I say, it gets them out of chores/duties etc. Most men (I'd say men born after 1955) are by default, bone idle.

As I say there is NEVER a good time to leave. You can get out now, or tolerate it until it's too late to leave.

Oh god you poor thing.

I also have two year old twins and it’s all hands on deck all the time isn’t it. If there’s any shirkers, the whole show goes off the road very quickly.

We used to have a deal where we didn’t leave eachother on our own with the boys in the evenings/at the weekends unless it was an emergency. Now they’re almost 3, we’re attempting to take back some more time for ourselves and have a day out with our friends some weekends/more evenings out. But days where we’re alone with the boys are HARD.

You need to have serious words with him about what’s going on.

I would fall out of love with my husband very quickly if he got up to this shit

If you don’t already have a thermometer, invest in one. Preferably a point-and-shoot one that can’t be tampered with.
No temperature, no illness.
Up he gets and off he trots to do his share of family care.

My DH could be like this. His health anxiety and hypochondria ruined many holidays. Eg he would mysteriously develop a sore wrist or neck and he wouldn't be able to carry things or help me put up the tent. Or he would sit in silence, ignoring the children and leave me to be the default parent because he was too busy googling symptoms and developing illnesses.

He only got better after seeing a psychologist after what I think was a full blown nervous breakdown. He claims it was just a sad moment.

The burden it placed on me was ridiculous. I'm now more stressed and less able to cope with stresses because I've been carrying things for so bloody long.

My advice? Tell him to get a fucking grip. Remind him of how frequently he takes to his bed like a wilting victorian dowager and how often that coincides with times when he should be parenting. And that if he is actually worried about his health, he must see a doctor ASAP.

Otherwise give him a box of lemsip and burn the dressing gown.

How often does he look after the children entirely on his own?

How often does he look after the children whilst doing the washing/making lunch/cooking dinner/organising shopping/unpacking shopping/cleaning etc etc?

Does he ever take them out on his own?

Why do so many women martyr themselves with the "I'll leave when things are easier" shit? Things aren't easy now or you wouldn't be here moaning. Kick him out, financially you'll be better off and you'll have the same level of childcare to do but you'll be less stressed as you won't be expecting any help!

'Cheering at the football' 'ordering takeaways'
He is not unwell but exploiting your good nature. It sounds like he is very self centered and setting a terrible example to your children.
I hope things improve for you soon 💐

Bed is only for when you’re so sick you can’t do anything but be sick. Otherwise it’s up & about with the kids, just like you do. Only time I was really sick, my Mum took my baby for a night & day. DH didn’t even have to deal...

Seems everyone agrees that he's taking the piss 😂

@NeverDropYourMooncup do you genuinely think from what the OP has posted that her DH is ill?