Losing patience with my husband and his illnesses

[ChangedOfNameYetAgain]

I know, I sound really unreasonable, but hear me out.

We've got 2 year old twins and not very much support. I do what I can with them in the week, but always look forward to having an extra pair of hands at the weekend so we can do more together.

It seems like every Friday lately DH comes down with a "bug". I'm starting to think that it's psychological. For example, this week he heard that his friend has got covid, and within half an hour he decided that he was coming down with it too. He's been in bed for the last 2 days, saying he feels terrible and everything hurts. But he looks perfectly fine to me, with no sign of... Well... Anything. I think there is a certain element of piss taking, but it's more than that. He's also convinced he has arthritis and has bought some special gloves this week. It's always something. He's always been a bit like this, but much more since the twins arrived. A while ago I made him go to the GP to see if there is actually something wrong with him, but nothing was found.

I have really lost patience and sympathy, especially since I could only have dreamed of 2 days in bed when I had tonsillitis recently. It's so unfair. I have high blood pressure which isn't controlled yet, and the twins are going through a very difficult patch. I feel so wound up all the time and keep snapping at my poor DC.

If I do LTB, it won't be for a couple of years when things will be much easier for me. I have spent a long time weighing up the pros and cons, it just wouldn't be wise at the moment.

What can I do in the meantime? He gets very upset and defensive when I've hinted that he might not be as ill as he says he is. I'm just fed up and so worn down doing everything by myself all the time.

The problem is that, by the time they are older, even if things do improve the respect has been lost and the ick has set in. It's hard to forget or forgive a partner who supposedly cares about you letting you down and not pulling their weight when things are toughest.

I seem to have had every illness going recently and I do think it’s got something to do with long covid. And it always seems to hit me on the weekend.
However, I can’t just lie in bed all day as I am a parent and need to do things.

Is this literally every weekend?

If this happens this weekend I would tell him that you understand he is poorly but he still needs to get things done and be a parent.

When you had tonsillitis did you not tell him to look after the twins?

@ChangedOfNameYetAgain mum to nearly 4 year old twins here whose husband sounds very similar (although he never laid in bed with takeaways I’ll give him that much). He’s currently sat in our living room whilst the girls run wild all him. He’s got a ice pack on his ankle as he’s got a twinge in it 🤬

are you older parents by any chance? My DH is 51 and I really think he’s not coped well with the transition. Like you I find myself so frustrated at his many many bouts of not feeling right, or has a twinge here and there.

I’m not sure what the answer is I just wanted to give you some twin mum support. It does start to get easier when they qualify for their free hours but honestly I found 18 months - 3.5 just the most horrific age at times

Can’t be that ill if he is scoffing takeaways. Is he well enough to watch the football?

@oakleaffy why is it okay for men to shirk the boring bits of looking after children and can wait until they are more interesting. Would be a bit shit for the twins if OP had the same attitude and hid in a bedroom and not look after them.

Does he manage to work @ChangedOfNameYetAgain

Well, he's clearly a right knickers.
I'd be calling it a day, divorcing the twat and then he'll have to do eow.

Sounds like he's sulking because he's not #1 in your world anymore.

You really ought to tackle this now- he needs to shape up or fuck off.

I’d have dumped the twins on the bed and told him I’m off out for a few hours.
He sounds pretty unpleasant and useless to me, I wouldn’t have the patience to stay calm.

So he doesn’t have Covid, he just wants to doss around in bed. What a selfish man.
It does seem that some men really, really don’t want any part in the work of looking after their own children, and avoid being an active father by choosing strategies such as “working” long hours, spending a lot of time out of the house on a “hobby”, or Being Everso Ill.
I really feel for you @ChangedOfNameYetAgain , my twins are adults now but I vividly remember when they were 2 - incredibly hard work and stressful even with a husband who absolutely did pull his weight.

How’s he accessing the takeaways?! Is he coming downstairs and answering to Deliveroo or whoever then going upstairs? In which case he’s not poorly, he’s a twat. Or expecting you to deliver them to him? In which case he’s extra twat. I’d be turning them away at the door.

😂 Probably not 😂

I'm wondering this too, is it food for both of you?

and he has special gloves?

he is taking the piss. I would also pop the twins on the bed and go out.

I really doubt it's fibromyalgia. Long before we'd heard of these illnesses my Dad used to drive my mother insane by hiding out in the (only) bathroom for hours on end while she tried to parent two toddlers. She might have been a better mother if she'd had mother hands on the deck.

Another man who turns into an absolute twat when kids come along. Id have booted him out by now.

He probably will get better as the twins get older but by then you will have lost all respect for him.

I would tell him you are not happy & he needs to start pulling his weight. Maybe write down all the tasks you do vs the tasks he does, show him & say it cannot continue.

Hypochondria masculinitis.

Play him at his own game. Plan amazing treats every time he is too "ill" to join the family. Get a baby sitter and go out with friends. "Accidentally" unplug the wifi router. Treat yourself to a lovely bottle of wine when he's too unwell to drink.

What a loser.

Next time he pulls this stunt definitely lose the wi fi router, turn the heating off, hide all the simple to make foods and take the dc out for a day.
If he’s really poorly he won’t complain because he’ll stay in bed too ill for Wi-Fi and no appetite.

Why not? A penis doesn't confer immunity from autoimmune disease.

Absolute piss take.

I think you should have a really honest conversation with him, explain that it’s unfair to keep doing this, that staying in bed all weekend and absconding from parental duty is not acceptable for feeling a bit under the weather. That you are losing respect and love for him and are seriously considering ending the relationship, in which case he will have sole responsibility for the twins at least EOW.

If after reflecting on what you’ve said he continues being a twat then you know where you stand. You can’t force people to change, they only will if they want to.

But you can make changes for yourself, and you deserve rest and to look after yourself too. You said realistically you couldn’t leave for a couple of years, so in the meantime is there a way of relatives helping out a couple of hours at the weekend, or half a day at nursery so you get a break too?

I'd have deposited the twins in his room and announced I was going out.

He's taking the piss.

I have an auto immune disease, it doesn't only appear at the weekend, every weekend.

"I feel like it's the final nail in the coffin, he's become more and more of a manchild since we had the twins and he's really let me down."

Have you sat him down and explained this, clearly?

You could be right. I had undiagnosed autoimmune disease for years and was always fighting extreme exhaustion. However, being female and a mum, no breaks from mothering or work. Symptoms for me were: dry eyes, dizziness, flu like symptoms and aching hands and feet. He should have a battery of blood tests.

I wouldn't have thought it a proper reason to be thinking about leaving, though.

It would for me. Someone who opts out of parenting twins to lie around in bed every weekend isn't someone I could love in any real sense.

I agree with a battery of tests though. Just every one until it's either something, or nothing. Rather than takeaways in bed (with the football on?).

Bollocks to the fibromyalgia and other suggested illnesses because hey, they don't just hit at the weekend!

(My DC2 has fibromyalgia and a whole lot of other things, uses a wheelchair and damn well copes with daily life without opting out of the tough parts).