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Original poster

Losing patience with my husband and his illnesses

128 replies

ChangedOfNameYetAgain · 04/12/2022 16:09

I know, I sound really unreasonable, but hear me out.

We've got 2 year old twins and not very much support. I do what I can with them in the week, but always look forward to having an extra pair of hands at the weekend so we can do more together.

It seems like every Friday lately DH comes down with a "bug". I'm starting to think that it's psychological. For example, this week he heard that his friend has got covid, and within half an hour he decided that he was coming down with it too. He's been in bed for the last 2 days, saying he feels terrible and everything hurts. But he looks perfectly fine to me, with no sign of... Well... Anything. I think there is a certain element of piss taking, but it's more than that. He's also convinced he has arthritis and has bought some special gloves this week. It's always something. He's always been a bit like this, but much more since the twins arrived. A while ago I made him go to the GP to see if there is actually something wrong with him, but nothing was found.

I have really lost patience and sympathy, especially since I could only have dreamed of 2 days in bed when I had tonsillitis recently. It's so unfair. I have high blood pressure which isn't controlled yet, and the twins are going through a very difficult patch. I feel so wound up all the time and keep snapping at my poor DC.

If I do LTB, it won't be for a couple of years when things will be much easier for me. I have spent a long time weighing up the pros and cons, it just wouldn't be wise at the moment.

What can I do in the meantime? He gets very upset and defensive when I've hinted that he might not be as ill as he says he is. I'm just fed up and so worn down doing everything by myself all the time.

OP posts:
TheGoodEnoughWife · 04/12/2022 19:51

He would lose my respect for being so pathetic.

I know in the short term calling him out will probably be more hassle but enough is enough.

Up to the bedroom and call him out. Why are you pretending to be sick in order to not have to parent? Why do you think it is okay to leave everything to me?
When he pushes back with the I am sick mention the takeaways and cups of tea he is capable or ordering/making.

I know this will be hassle but he needs to know that you aren't falling for it anymore.

Then you need decide why you would want to be with him any longer.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 04/12/2022 19:53

Does he have a dressing gown of doom?

gamerchick · 04/12/2022 19:58

Warn him tomorrow when he's suddenly feeling better. That if he even dares to think he's spending next weekend in bed he can piss off to his mothers.

I couldn't be doing with that, there would have been words said to the selfish twat.

candycane10 · 04/12/2022 20:01

If he genuinely believes he has a big I presume it's contagious. I'd make sure you got it too. Gradually getting worse towards the end of the week until you need to spend next weekend in bed.

How can he expect you to look after the twins if you have the same as he had?

ElbowsandArses · 04/12/2022 20:04

Another mum of twins. H used to get really bad headaches and need to go lie down in a quiet dark room a lot but never had to take time off work for them. I actually think they were real but I still found it incredibly hard to deal with. Once he started running marathons the headaches got better. (Again probably real but still …)

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/12/2022 20:08

pointythings · 04/12/2022 19:49

Bollocks to the fibromyalgia and other suggested illnesses because hey, they don't just hit at the weekend!

(My DC2 has fibromyalgia and a whole lot of other things, uses a wheelchair and damn well copes with daily life without opting out of the tough parts).

True, they don't. But after a week of working fulltime, changes in the weather and suchlike, they can knock you out for the weekend.

I spent almost all of yesterday in bed because I woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a bus again, then done bugger all today, so I'll look slightly less like shit tomorrow morning - chances are I'll be fucked again by Thursday and yet another weekend will pass in a blur of pain and exhaustion, though.

SarahAndQuack · 04/12/2022 20:13

Well, for starters he needs to give you time in bed when you're ill! If he doesn't ask for it and just expects it, you need to do the same. (I know this is hard if you feel he won't step up with the children, but he'll never learn if he never starts).

I never thought I'd say this, but ... I sort of get him being psychologically 'ill'. You have young twins. It is stressful. He is giving himself psychological permission to say 'woah, I am shattered' without feeling he's being lazy. The problem is ... you need the break just as much! So I would join him at this one. Maybe next weekend you'll have come down with whatever he has and you'll need cups of tea in bed.

I'm saying this because I think it took me and DP longer than it should have done to realise we kept feeling it was lazy to just admit we were shattered (and we didn't have twins!). It's not, of course. It's so different from pre-children. But if you get to the point where you can both say you need a nap today or you need a lie in tomorrow, it does get better.

Relocatiorelocation · 04/12/2022 20:20

Be in your pyjamas when he comes home from work on Friday, announce you're unwell and take to bed for the weekend. Beat him to it.

Dibbydoos · 04/12/2022 20:24

I would go out and leave him with the twins for a few hours at a time. He needs to step up, what a wuss!

JudgeRindersMinder · 04/12/2022 20:28

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/12/2022 17:17

Could be fibromyalgia, rather than hypochondria. Or an inflammatory/autoimmune disease that the GP, as they frequently do, has missed - his hands hurting, pain and tiredness does match the symptom profile for autoimmune diseases such as Psoriatic Arthritis, sero negative Rheumatoid Arthritis and the like.

Also symptomatic of heart and kidney troubles…heart lazy and kidnae be bordered..

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/12/2022 21:01

JudgeRindersMinder · 04/12/2022 20:28

Also symptomatic of heart and kidney troubles…heart lazy and kidnae be bordered..

Show quote history

Did you laugh to yourself as you typed that?

You'd probably get on very well with my ex. He was furious when I was diagnosed and offered treatment.

Original poster
ChangedOfNameYetAgain · 04/12/2022 21:19

Thanks so much for all of these replies, they have actually cheered me up quite a bit! Some good strategies here that I will try out... And I nearly spat out my wine at the dressing gown of doom @Unexpecteddrivinginstructor , yes he bloody does... and let's not mention the wrist splint of doom that also makes an appearance every now and then 😂😂😂

I think he knows how frustrated I am, so he tends to order a takeaway for us all and then tell me afterwards - as in "I've just treated us to a takeaway for tonight so you don't have to cook while I'm out of action". Frames it so I'm supposed to be thankful for his contribution to the day!

The loss of respect comments definitely ring true, I think that's why I've been having thoughts of leaving him over a seemingly petty thing. He is just irritating me now, even with unrelated things.

The GP's investigations were really thorough, I know he had several blood tests and then repeated after a few weeks to be sure. Nothing was out of the ordinary.

@ineedastrongercoffee & @ElbowsandArses thank you for the twin mum support, and sorry to hear that you've had similar experiences! The ice pack twinge thing sounds exactly like my husband! My two will get their funded hours in the New Year, so hopefully that will give me a bit of a break and I might feel less frustrated then.

@toomuchlaundry he has indeed been watching the football (complete with loud cheering at the goals)... And yes he does work, from home 9-5, which you'd think is the most stressful job in the world the way he goes on about it. Never a minute late down those stairs for his after-work cup of tea though!

@PragmaticWench I have had some very in-depth conversations with him about how he needs to step up, but he seems to think he's doing no wrong and is genuinely always "very run down" even though I've told him that I am too

See I've just re-read this and I feel like I'm being quite spiteful. I would never have taken the piss out of his wrist splint a couple of years ago. But it really does feel like he's become a joke now. Even my family comment on it when we make plans - will he be well enough to join us?? Argh.

OP posts:
Blueuggboots · 04/12/2022 21:32

My exh was like this and it was even mentioned in the wedding speech about how difficult it must have been to find a space between hayfever/colds/headaches/neck aches etc......

Your husband is being a big baby and needs to get a life!!!

Badger1970 · 04/12/2022 21:34

You do realise that this is the rest of your life staring you in the face.....

You need to stop enabling him. He's doing it knowing full well that he gets away with it. He's got no respect for you whatsoever.

toomuchlaundry · 05/12/2022 00:57

@NeverDropYourMooncup but how does he cope with everything else like work but not doing things round the house or looking after twins. Or if he is genuinely ill trying to find a solution so OP’s health (which isn’t great either) doesn’t get even more impacted.

And he gives her earache if she dares ask him to look after his own children. That doesn’t sound like a supportive partner, and you can be supportive even when ill

DrMarciaFieldstone · 05/12/2022 02:15

Oh god, I couldn’t live with a hypochondriac. People who talk about illness all the time are so draining

Mamaneedsadrink · 05/12/2022 02:20

reallyworriedjobhunter · 04/12/2022 16:16

Maybe you'll come down with it next and have to spend the weekend in bed?

This. Say you think you've caught it. Do it and report back Wink

liarliarshortsonfire · 05/12/2022 08:25

Start taking him at his word, make it an awful experience rather than a nice relaxing weekend

Covid, ok off to bed, spare room on his own if possible, no contact with you or the dc, he needs to wear a mask when you go into the room. You can take him food at food times, forget his request for a drink, if he comes downstairs shive him back up, you and the dc don't want Covid, or a cold ir anything he might have that's contagious.

Bad ankle or wrist, rest, foot up, no you can't stay in the front room dear in case the children knock it. Bad wrist, no you can't lift a pint, or drive, or spend hours on your phone, it won't help your wrist. Sore throat, off to beef don't want the dc catching it. Feed a cold, starve a fever etc. headache, bed, no tv or phone as it will make it worse. Upset tummy, rice and chicken only, water and nothing else

liarliarshortsonfire · 05/12/2022 08:28

To add, if he complains tell him you're concerned he has a weakened immune system, as he's always ill on the weekend so he needs to ensure he looks after himself, plus if it's his job that's affecting him, and he's burnt out, then suggest he stays at home with the dc and you go to work full time.yYou've been looking at college courses that will mean you could get another full time job, or maybe you could move to a smaller house to lower the mortgage and he can get a lower paid job with less stress. All bollocks of course, but it might make him think twice about faking illness

gannett · 05/12/2022 08:59

All these weird pass-agg (or just agg-agg) tactics and game-playing suggestions are so tiresome.

You've lost respect for him if your default reaction to him saying he's ill is to think he's lying. Losing respect for your partner is basically a death knell for the relationship - certainly a death knell for any happiness in it.

Assuming you're right that he's putting it on, you need a come-to-Jesus talk where you outline just how much respect and love he's eroded. You have to make clear that he fixes his behaviour and steps up, or the marriage is over. And you have to mean that because with this level of resentment the marriage may as well be over.

Or you can do pass-agg tit-for-tat shit, sniping, deliberately making things uncomfortable while never intending to actually leave him, and that'll be the recipe for the rest of your life to be completely miserable as you both start to actually hate each other.

Shadylady52 · 05/12/2022 14:40

Pack his bags. Tell him to come back when he grows up

TheShellBeach · 05/12/2022 15:06

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/12/2022 17:17

Could be fibromyalgia, rather than hypochondria. Or an inflammatory/autoimmune disease that the GP, as they frequently do, has missed - his hands hurting, pain and tiredness does match the symptom profile for autoimmune diseases such as Psoriatic Arthritis, sero negative Rheumatoid Arthritis and the like.

He seems to manage to go to work, though, doesn't he.
It's just at the weekend, when he doesn't fancy parenting his children, that he falls ill.

OP that would drive me mad and I would also be planning to leave him.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 05/12/2022 15:07

My twins are adults now but I do remember them being 2 years old, despite trying to block it out!

It's a very hard stage and it's hugely unfair for your DH to opt out like this and leave it all to you.

TheShellBeach · 05/12/2022 15:08

DrMarciaFieldstone · 05/12/2022 02:15

Oh god, I couldn’t live with a hypochondriac. People who talk about illness all the time are so draining

Draining and boring.
My sister was like that. It was one of the many, many reasons I went NC with her.

WindyHedges · 05/12/2022 15:11

If I do LTB, it won't be for a couple of years when things will be much easier for me. I have spent a long time weighing up the pros and cons, it just wouldn't be wise at the moment.

What can I do in the meantime? He gets very upset and defensive when I've hinted that he might not be as ill as he says he is. I'm just fed up and so worn down doing everything by myself all the time.

Does he know this? That his selfish childishness is threatening his marriage? Maybe you need to say this to him in words of one syllable?

And have you posted about him before? Your story - and your account of the 'dressing gown of doom' and the wrist splint sound familiar. But sadly, the behaviour you describe can be quite common in selfish men.

Otherwise I suppose you could play him at his own game, and get something that keeps you in bed for a weekend.

HOWEVER - really seriously - DON'T ignore your high blood pressure. Unlike your manchild spouse, this is a serious condition, and can be life-limiting. Please get it sorted.