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Original poster

Losing patience with my husband and his illnesses

128 replies

ChangedOfNameYetAgain · 04/12/2022 16:09

I know, I sound really unreasonable, but hear me out.

We've got 2 year old twins and not very much support. I do what I can with them in the week, but always look forward to having an extra pair of hands at the weekend so we can do more together.

It seems like every Friday lately DH comes down with a "bug". I'm starting to think that it's psychological. For example, this week he heard that his friend has got covid, and within half an hour he decided that he was coming down with it too. He's been in bed for the last 2 days, saying he feels terrible and everything hurts. But he looks perfectly fine to me, with no sign of... Well... Anything. I think there is a certain element of piss taking, but it's more than that. He's also convinced he has arthritis and has bought some special gloves this week. It's always something. He's always been a bit like this, but much more since the twins arrived. A while ago I made him go to the GP to see if there is actually something wrong with him, but nothing was found.

I have really lost patience and sympathy, especially since I could only have dreamed of 2 days in bed when I had tonsillitis recently. It's so unfair. I have high blood pressure which isn't controlled yet, and the twins are going through a very difficult patch. I feel so wound up all the time and keep snapping at my poor DC.

If I do LTB, it won't be for a couple of years when things will be much easier for me. I have spent a long time weighing up the pros and cons, it just wouldn't be wise at the moment.

What can I do in the meantime? He gets very upset and defensive when I've hinted that he might not be as ill as he says he is. I'm just fed up and so worn down doing everything by myself all the time.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/12/2022 18:17

toomuchlaundry · 05/12/2022 18:07

@NeverDropYourMooncup do you genuinely think from what the OP has posted that her DH is ill?

There's no reason why he couldn't be. The symptoms he complains of (and the OP complains about, more to the point) can check off almost every box for initial presentations of autoimmune disease; even her response and that of the majority of posters is one that's all too well known by people who have gone on to receive diagnosis.

The only difference is that he's not a woman, so he hasn't been told it's just his hormones or informed that he needs to take antidepressants because 'depression makes you think that you're in pain, dear'.

mathanxiety · 05/12/2022 18:19

You're not being spiteful.

This is not a little thing.

He is a pathetic waste of time and space, utterly disrespectful to you and to your relationship, and he very clearly has no self respect either.

Your husband has checked out of being a partner to you and a parent to his own children. He has concocted a childish excuse which he is deploying in order to dodge his responsibilities. There are 5 year olds who are able to put on a more convincing show of illness to get out of going to school.

He has cost the GP and the health service time and money investigating imaginary illness. He has brought you to the point where you are considering divorce.

You need to book some time and sit him down. In a serious tone, you need to present him with the suspicion you have that this weekend malaise is something he has conjured up in order to evade participating in parenting and household responsibility. Point out to him that his tests resulted in a long list of negatives.

Tell him he needs to book an appointment with a psychiatrist, or shape up pretty darn quick.

Share with him that you have been disappointed to the core of your being with his performance as a co-parent, to the point where you have considered that divorce and single parenting would involve less hassle and frustration. Ask him how he will manage when he has twins to parent all weekend every other weekend. Or how 50-50 custody sounds.

Tell him the weekends off stop immediately, and also all the other elements of domestic bliss that he seems to think are his entitlement - laundry, cooking, and sex (if that's still something he has energy for).

grayhairdontcare · 05/12/2022 18:19

" Hey dp. I want a serious conversation about you feeling the need to feign illness to get out of family life at weekend "
" im losing all respect for you and have actually considered leaving you"
If there is nothing physically wrong or you are not depressed and if the doctor has given you the all clear. Then I need you to explain why we should stay together as you are opting out of family life for a weekend in bed"

Get him told!

toomuchlaundry · 05/12/2022 18:23

So do you get COVID at the drop of a hat because you've heard a friend has it, although have no symptoms and tested negative. But still fine to eat takeaway and cheer along to the football. But not well enough to look after your own DC. Would you give your partner earache if he asked you to parent your DC @NeverDropYourMooncup

Leela100 · 05/12/2022 18:45

He’s a bullshitting CF for sure, my ex used to be exactly the same, nothing even changed for me support wise when I got PND I was told to “get myself to the doctors and get some happy pills because I was a miserable c-nt. So that was nice

Whenever he felt poorly he used to go to bed for days and literally just leave me to deal with everything, not that he was very contributory when he wasn’t in bed all day to be honest but like you say that’s not the point, the point was if o was ill in any way shape or form I’d just have to get on with it

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/12/2022 19:46

toomuchlaundry · 05/12/2022 18:23

So do you get COVID at the drop of a hat because you've heard a friend has it, although have no symptoms and tested negative. But still fine to eat takeaway and cheer along to the football. But not well enough to look after your own DC. Would you give your partner earache if he asked you to parent your DC @NeverDropYourMooncup

Got knocked on my arse with Covid as the first lockdown started, then had abnormal heart rhythms the second time? Took about five months to be physically capable of leaving the house the first time, but worked throughout as it was lockdown?

I was also known to still laugh occasionally. And eat, as long as I didn't have to stand up to cook.

Before I got onto biologics for PsA, though, I just dragged myself through the week and then pretty much collapsed every weekend. Still laughed occasionally, but weekends were a complete writeoff, as were most evenings.

anyonenowheremypenis · 05/12/2022 23:24

I haven’t RTFT just your responses. You need a two stage response
Firstly, next Friday- start telling him you feel unwell early in the day, you think you must have caught what he had last week. At 5pm hand him the children, and fall dramatically into your bed and tell him you feel dreadful. On Saturday, stay in bed, because you feel sooo Ill and block the door shut because the kids keep coming in and you don’t want to give it to them. Let him know how sympathetic you feel about him having the same thing last week- you didn’t realise how bad it was. . Ordering takeaways to help him is optional, as is shouting at the football. Borrow his dressing gown if you can bear to.
On Monday, explain that it is not viable for either of you to look after twins and care for a sick partner, so you will both adopt a new approach. Triage.

anyonenowheremypenis · 05/12/2022 23:25

Meant to say, every weekend he is ‘I’ll’, you be I’ll the next weekend.

marmitetoastie · 06/12/2022 04:31

Hey, 2 year olds are e

marmitetoastie · 06/12/2022 04:49

Hey,

im sorry, 2 year olds are totally exhausting & you’ve got 2 of them.

Lets face it, the World Cup is on till Dec 20th & it’s possible he’s gonna be ill for a while. In fact a lot of men are gonna be I’ll in the run-up to Xmas this year.

Having said that, health anxiety is real for them & debilitating - even if it is a quite narcissistic.

could you get rid of the takeaways and spend the money on some help? My daughter used to get paid to play with a toddler on the weekends. They just wanted a break & often just stayed upstairs out of the way.

He probably can’t or won’t change, this is him. It’s possible it’s always been all-about-him and you just didn’t notice. the problem is once you see it, its difficult to unsee. And I assume to have had numerous pointless chats with him over the past two years.

some people are just very selfish in relationships.

I don’t have a fix for you, I think you just need to see how he behaves when the children are a little older, say 3 or 4. I was married to a very selfish man who I did not think was abusive. I had three children under five when he left me, and weirdly my life was hard but easier. If there’s someone there, you have an expectation of and it’s never met, you are always unhappy and life is difficult. When you realise you’re really on your own with all this, you can get on with it. Someone working against you is the hardest thing. Oh and and you got some time off at weekends because he had to take the children at some weekends. My ex rarely sees his three teenagers and they now see him for the narcissist he is. He never changed and it’s still all about him but now they’re old they can see that too.

Good luck, I’m sorry it’s very hard and very exhausting with young children. Add up what you spent on takeaways and tell him in future you want that money put into childcare not fast food.

Sending love

xxxxxxxxxxx

Oxterguff · 06/12/2022 06:56

This sounds exactly like my ex, we didn’t have twins but two 12 months apart. It was always ‘stomach pains’ and he would disappear to bed for the weekend. Every time it was his turn to take the DC to their activities he was too ill to do it.
I got seriously ill and you could almost see the jealousy. That was the turning point for me. He even ended up in hospital with his mystery ailments and stayed in for a week. When I phoned him he would be laughing and joking about the great guys on the ward. Unsurprisingly they didn’t find a thing wrong with him. He is married again now and has another child, according to the DC he is still ill all the time. He’ll never change OP and if you say anything you’ll be uncaring and unsympathetic.

gannett · 06/12/2022 07:58

But still fine to eat takeaway and cheer along to the football

Sorry this makes no sense. Whenever I've been really ill, watching sport on TV (sometimes even letting out a weak cheer!) and ordering takeaway is exactly the limit of what I've been able to do.

Choccolatte · 06/12/2022 08:12

gannett · 06/12/2022 07:58

But still fine to eat takeaway and cheer along to the football

Sorry this makes no sense. Whenever I've been really ill, watching sport on TV (sometimes even letting out a weak cheer!) and ordering takeaway is exactly the limit of what I've been able to do.

I have lifelong, debilitating health conditions. I save my energy for my children and DH, not the football (even though I love football).

PopTartsAreLife · 06/12/2022 08:16

My ex was like this ever since we had children. Every weekend he'd be 'poorly'. Fine to work 12 hours every day during the week, also fine at weekends to watch football, play PlayStation and eat endless takeaway in his room of course. But strangely too ill to do anything resembling parenting or being a partner. I supported him with this for many years until finally I issued an ultimatum, he gets advice or I'm gone. Turns out he was depressed, and eventually he did get help for it. I know it's not his fault and he didn't intentionally ignore his family, but I was struggling with having 2 under 2, plus a miscarriage, and had to just struggle through my own darkest days with no support from him. But it was sadly too late once he'd got antidepressants and tried therapy, that constant evading of responsibility every weekend, amongst many other reasons, meant our marriage was done. I just couldn't forget how he'd let me down during our dc's very young years. The rot had set in and there was no going back from there. You need to think very carefully how long you can put up with this OP, it eroded my own mental health for a long time.

Newlifestartingatlast · 06/12/2022 08:23

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/12/2022 19:16

Why not? A penis doesn't confer immunity from autoimmune disease.

Show quote history

Funny old immune disease that only impacts once he us at home at weekends 🤦‍♀️

gannett · 06/12/2022 08:27

Choccolatte · 06/12/2022 08:12

I have lifelong, debilitating health conditions. I save my energy for my children and DH, not the football (even though I love football).

Show quote history

My point is that watching sport and ordering a takeaway is what you do when you're ill because they don't require energy.

RandomMess · 06/12/2022 08:46

My DH has psoriatic arthritis and even when ill and suffering he would come down and help with DC/house stuff even though he would then shuffle back to bed to nap and recover. As someone said he prioritised what he could do for us, sure he would watch Footie (he loves it) but not at our expense. Same when he had pneumonia he did what he could when he could. Called basic parenting.

Naunet · 06/12/2022 09:24

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/12/2022 18:17

There's no reason why he couldn't be. The symptoms he complains of (and the OP complains about, more to the point) can check off almost every box for initial presentations of autoimmune disease; even her response and that of the majority of posters is one that's all too well known by people who have gone on to receive diagnosis.

The only difference is that he's not a woman, so he hasn't been told it's just his hormones or informed that he needs to take antidepressants because 'depression makes you think that you're in pain, dear'.

Show quote history

Absolutely, there are a number of illnesses that only flare up at the weekends…

Ivyonafence · 06/12/2022 09:44

It's not a small thing. Selfishness rots away at a relationship.

Tell him you are burnt out too, and from now on whenever he declares himself 'out of action' - you will be taking the same number of days off the next weekend so he can catch up on time with the children and you can rest.

I can't stand the unfairness of how men get to be sick when they are sick, and women are expected to carry on.

WindyHedges · 06/12/2022 10:44

I can't stand the unfairness of how men get to be sick when they are sick, and women are expected to carry on.

I've seen this so many times. I think it's because women are socialised (and biologically programmed) to be primarily concerned with caring for our children, especially when they're young.

If we do 'tit for tat' we KNOW that it's the children who suffer. But I sometimes wonder if that's not digging our own graves. It'd be interesting to hear from PPs whether they've ever tried to simply leave things to their selfish husband, and see what happens. Was it as bad as you imagined?

@ChangedOfNameYetAgain are you able to steel yourself and ignore your DCs' needs for 24 hours ad leave them to their father's tender mercies?

It might not be as bad as you think.

Sennelier1 · 06/12/2022 19:19

Maybe he needs another person to tell him he's way out of line. Could he go to his mom's house and stay in bed there? You know, he might enjoy the quiet to recuperate from his bug? And then you let him beg to come home 🤔

toomuchlaundry · 06/12/2022 20:06

If there was a social event he wanted to go to would he be well enough to go, as long as OP stays home with the DC

ElfineHawkMonitor · 06/12/2022 21:04

Sounds like health anxiety to me. Some useful resources here: www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Health-Anxiety

DunkingMyDonuts · 06/12/2022 23:34

I really though that was going to be a joke link @ElfineHawkMonitor 😂

Unusual to have a "health anxiety" that covers the whole weekend, making someone unable to help with the children, but able to watch the World Cup and stuff their face with take out.
The miraculously disappears to work on Monday morning...

ElfineHawkMonitor · 07/12/2022 07:16

@DunkingMyDonuts haven’t read the whole thread, just the op, and was just trying to offer practical help/advice - haven’t read the room on this one 🤦‍♀️