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Original poster

EOW arrangement with exh

107 replies

PopGoesTheProsecco · 03/12/2022 20:28

My ExH left for the OW ten years ago now. Since then he’s had them every other weekend. There have been occasional blips - if he had a conference/had to attend Edinburgh Festival for work etc when I’’ve had them on ‘his’ weekend. For context he lives an hour away.

Now the kids are getting older (16, 12, 10) they’re making plans of their own at weekends. When they make plans on ‘his’ weekends they ask him whether it’s okay to not go to his house that weekend. He says ‘okay’. It seems that I’m the last one to know and then I’m left to sort out lifts, pick-ups etc on a weekend that I’m not down to have the kids.

I work full time, have an elderly mum I run errands for etc and have Long Covid (so energy not great).

I was looking forward to some child- free down time next weekend (have had a horribly virus this week and am exhausted), only to find that DD2 has agreed with him not to go to his house next weekend because she wants to go on a sleepover. So on my supposedly child-free weekend I have to drop off and pick up from the sleep over, take her to play a football match and take her to a team building event with her football team.

i don’t want to spoil the kids’ plans but it seems that every weekend he has the children one of them has made plans that mean they can’t go to his house.

In addition to my Long Covid, DD1 has SEN and can be difficult so the four days rest a month are really important to me.

Any advice?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/12/2022 20:33

Tricky. You can’t make them go, not the older one anyway. If one of them has plans are the other two still going or do none of them go?

Whenever this comes up from the NRP perspective they’re told to respect and accept that as the DC get older it’s natural their social lives take over from family time and contact has to be flexible. If a NRP told a child they couldn’t go to a sleepover because they were due for contact they’d be given hell.

You need to tackle this with the DC and tell them to clear things with you as well if they want your help on his weekends. Or, tell them to ask him to facilitate their social plans but if he’s an hour away that might not be easy.

Have you told they need to talk to you and not just him if it means you’ll be needed?

DenholmElliot11 · 03/12/2022 20:39

It's just a bit of driving. Driving is good for bonding with teens. You can still rest the remainder of the week-end.

But yes you need to speak to them about checking it's ok with you as well as their dad.

ArcticSkewer · 03/12/2022 20:39

Your kids are the ones changing plans and assuming you will give them lifts. The 16 year old could stay at home alone (can they? sen?) the middle one could arrange sleepovers or lifts if you can't do it. The youngest is too young to make those decisions unilaterally imo.
So speak to the kids. Tell them what you need eg no lifts.
And remember it's only a few more years. That was my mantra at that age.

Floralnomad · 03/12/2022 20:42

You need to tell the kids to arrange stuff on your weekend , if they are doing stuff on his weekend then he should be doing the running around , although that’s likely unfair on whichever ones haven’t made plans .

ConnieTucker · 03/12/2022 20:44

Have you actually told them that it is not ok? And that you have plans?

RedWingBoots · 03/12/2022 20:44

If you live in a town or city with good/reasonable public transport then the 16 and 12 year old would be expected to sort their own travel arrangements out within certain hours to travel between each of their parents homes. For example it would be unacceptable for the 12 year old to turn up at 10 pm but not the 16 year old.

The 10 year-old is the only child you both need to facilitate the travel between your homes.

If you don't live in an area with reasonable public transport then you will need to facilitate all of them.

Either way you need to sit your children down and give them firm ground rules about telling you in advance when they want to see their dad. If they don't then make it clear you wouldn't be able to pick them up or drop them off as they wish, then follow through.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/12/2022 20:47

I would expect my ex husband to still have the dc and just drive/wait everywhere. It wouldn't even be a discussion. It was his choice to move away, so he has to accommodate what the children want. He has done it no questions asked so far.

Original poster
PopGoesTheProsecco · 03/12/2022 20:57

Yes I’ve told them but it doesn’t seem to stick in their memory.

When one has plans the other two go to their dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
PopGoesTheProsecco · 03/12/2022 20:58

arethereanyleftatall · 03/12/2022 20:47

I would expect my ex husband to still have the dc and just drive/wait everywhere. It wouldn't even be a discussion. It was his choice to move away, so he has to accommodate what the children want. He has done it no questions asked so far.

i wish 😂!

OP posts:
CallmeCath · 03/12/2022 21:02

Op, i have this now my youngest is a teenager. It is part of parenting, my DS goes to Dads every 3rd weekend now as he wants to be here, amongst his room, his tech and his friends. Used to be every Sat overnight when he was younger, which i planed and looked forward too.

Kids get older and make their own plans. Frustrating as it is, your home is their home. On the plus side, my eldest moved out a few yrs ago , so, eventually you will have house to self. That said ,they still rock up every second weekend, unannounced and for the weekend.

Original poster
PopGoesTheProsecco · 03/12/2022 21:02

arethereanyleftatall · 03/12/2022 20:47

I would expect my ex husband to still have the dc and just drive/wait everywhere. It wouldn't even be a discussion. It was his choice to move away, so he has to accommodate what the children want. He has done it no questions asked so far.

I love, love, love your response! Hits the nail on the head. It’s his weekend, he should be facilitating their social events.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 03/12/2022 21:03

Ah sorry @PopGoesTheProsecco
My exhusband was a shit husband but has stepped up as an ex. I'm not sure if this will help for you, but the times ex hasn't been able to pick our dc up from our town on his day, he organises a taxi. The first time he couldn't sort a pick up, he sent me a message, I responded 'so? Why are you telling me. You sort it.' He's never asked again.

Original poster
PopGoesTheProsecco · 03/12/2022 21:05

arethereanyleftatall · 03/12/2022 21:03

Ah sorry @PopGoesTheProsecco
My exhusband was a shit husband but has stepped up as an ex. I'm not sure if this will help for you, but the times ex hasn't been able to pick our dc up from our town on his day, he organises a taxi. The first time he couldn't sort a pick up, he sent me a message, I responded 'so? Why are you telling me. You sort it.' He's never asked again.

Good for you! 😁

OP posts:
PuttingDownRoots · 03/12/2022 21:06

Put in the calendar "Mum away" on certain weekends. Non negotiable, you aren't "available" that weekend.

No need to let on that your "spa weekend" or whatever is actually sitting at home with a glass of wine and Netflix.

supercali77 · 03/12/2022 21:06

I wouldnt bother telling the children anything. He is responsible for them on that weekend so he can't just go round assigning responsibility for lifts etc to you. At the very least he should run it past you. And between you there should be a discussion about what you can and can't do. Imagine you'd to go away for work or had a weekend away booked...what would happen then?

Musicalmistress · 03/12/2022 21:15

DenholmElliot11 · 03/12/2022 20:39

It's just a bit of driving. Driving is good for bonding with teens. You can still rest the remainder of the week-end.

But yes you need to speak to them about checking it's ok with you as well as their dad.

Have you experienced Long Covid? After a full week at work 'just a bit of driving' can be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

I agree it's a great opportunity to get a bit of a chat with your teens (they definitely open up more in the car than other places) but it's not unreasonable to expect them to also check that their resident parent is ok with a change of plans.

Musicalmistress · 03/12/2022 21:16

arethereanyleftatall · 03/12/2022 20:47

I would expect my ex husband to still have the dc and just drive/wait everywhere. It wouldn't even be a discussion. It was his choice to move away, so he has to accommodate what the children want. He has done it no questions asked so far.

Mine does this too. He's not always happy about it but I facilitate their social life (& everything else) 90% of the time so fair's fair.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/12/2022 21:19

Was it he who moved?

ArcticSkewer · 03/12/2022 21:23

It will stick in their memory when you don't give them any lifts anywhere. Until then, there's no natural consequence.

I don't agree, at least with the 16 year old, that it's up to his dad to do the lifts even if your 16 year old doesn't go to his. But that doesn't make it your job either. It's up to your 16 year old to organise his life.

I wouldn't let the 10 year old do anything unilaterally - why is your dh letting the 10 year old decide anything?

Original poster
PopGoesTheProsecco · 03/12/2022 21:28

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/12/2022 21:19

Was it he who moved?

We both moved. When married we lived in a place convenient to his job. When he left, I moved back to my home town and he moved for his new job. Then moved again for his latest job,

OP posts:
qwerdi · 03/12/2022 21:28

Your home is your children's home. If you make them unwelcome in their own home they will never forgive you.

If you are too tired to run they round, ask them to sort out lifts with friends.

RandomMess · 03/12/2022 21:29

Yep tell your ex and the DC that staying at yours and expecting lifts from you is not an option on "daddy" weekends.

You need to mean it, DC2 misses the sleepover and Footie match because you have "plans" as they are supposed to be with their Dad. I think that will help them "remember" for the next time.

Original poster
PopGoesTheProsecco · 03/12/2022 21:30

My other worry about them not going to their dad’s when they have ‘better’ plans is the effect it has on their relationship.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/12/2022 21:33

I kind of think at 16 they can decide on the understanding they sort out their own plans but the 10 & 12 year old no way should they be opting out without your and his explicit agreement and yeah he should be ferrying them around on his weekends.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/12/2022 21:34

qwerdi · 03/12/2022 21:28

Your home is your children's home. If you make them unwelcome in their own home they will never forgive you.

If you are too tired to run they round, ask them to sort out lifts with friends.

I'm not sure it works quite like this. Well, at least it doesn't for me, and I know that's a survey sample of 1. Children of divorced parents who co parent have 2 homes. My dc would know they are very very loved and wanted by me, but I have no qualms about telling them that I look forward to the peace and quiet on dads weekends. They know I love it. I can love them and crave and need decompressing time simultaneously.