Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

EOW arrangement with exh

107 replies

PopGoesTheProsecco · 03/12/2022 20:28

My ExH left for the OW ten years ago now. Since then he’s had them every other weekend. There have been occasional blips - if he had a conference/had to attend Edinburgh Festival for work etc when I’’ve had them on ‘his’ weekend. For context he lives an hour away.

Now the kids are getting older (16, 12, 10) they’re making plans of their own at weekends. When they make plans on ‘his’ weekends they ask him whether it’s okay to not go to his house that weekend. He says ‘okay’. It seems that I’m the last one to know and then I’m left to sort out lifts, pick-ups etc on a weekend that I’m not down to have the kids.

I work full time, have an elderly mum I run errands for etc and have Long Covid (so energy not great).

I was looking forward to some child- free down time next weekend (have had a horribly virus this week and am exhausted), only to find that DD2 has agreed with him not to go to his house next weekend because she wants to go on a sleepover. So on my supposedly child-free weekend I have to drop off and pick up from the sleep over, take her to play a football match and take her to a team building event with her football team.

i don’t want to spoil the kids’ plans but it seems that every weekend he has the children one of them has made plans that mean they can’t go to his house.

In addition to my Long Covid, DD1 has SEN and can be difficult so the four days rest a month are really important to me.

Any advice?

OP posts:
RedWingBoots · 03/12/2022 21:36

PopGoesTheProsecco · 03/12/2022 21:30

My other worry about them not going to their dad’s when they have ‘better’ plans is the effect it has on their relationship.

I have friends and a DP who are separated from their children's other parent. Some of them have had to take legal advice over it.

Anyway once children hit secondary age you can't force them to see the parent they don't mainly live with.

Tirrrrred · 03/12/2022 21:37

Can't advise as I've had mine every weekend for 12 years. To the poster who enjoys her quiet weekends. That's half of your child's life you won't get back!!

quietnightmare · 03/12/2022 21:38

Imagine if you were together you would have ZERO downtime

Tirrrrred · 03/12/2022 21:41

quietnightmare · 03/12/2022 21:38

Imagine if you were together you would have ZERO downtime

This. It's madness.

quietnightmare · 03/12/2022 21:41

@Tirrrrred
Urmmm no

quietnightmare · 03/12/2022 21:44

@Tirrrrred
Sorry read your post wrong. Dyslexia and lack of any downtime in years

Skipsaway · 03/12/2022 21:45

Your ex needs to actually parent. He's needs to step up and you need to stop letting him get away with it.

Original poster
PopGoesTheProsecco · 03/12/2022 21:47

Musicalmistress · 03/12/2022 21:15

Have you experienced Long Covid? After a full week at work 'just a bit of driving' can be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

I agree it's a great opportunity to get a bit of a chat with your teens (they definitely open up more in the car than other places) but it's not unreasonable to expect them to also check that their resident parent is ok with a change of plans.

Show quote history

Yes - exactly this.I usually do one day a week in the office (any more and I usually have to take a day’s annual leave to recover). My child- free weekends aren’t party time it’s recovery time.

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 03/12/2022 21:49

Nothing you can really do, my ex hasn’t ever had our kids for the weekend and it sounds like it’s them that doesn’t want to go so 🤷‍♀️

ivykaty44 · 03/12/2022 21:49

I’d start “ being away” even if it’s at your mothers house

text e dh and explain
deat ex

im not at availabile this weekend due to other commitments so D.C. will have to be with you for the weekend, unfortunately that may mean that you need to remind them ( as I have) they can’t make alternative plans to stay home / as I’m not available and obviously they are not old enough to be home alone.

send this text every couple of weeks on a Monday. You have an elderly mother to care for end of story

o need to elaborate any further

Putdownthecake · 03/12/2022 21:50

I was a child of separated parents and your post makes me feel sad. Of course its annoying to look forward to a kid weekend to then realise that isn't the case but these are your children. Your home is their home. It should be up to them. If you don't want to run round after them then don't. I would imagine their dad might feel sad they're growing up and prioritising friends too but don't make them feel unwelcome. There are no weekends off as a parent.
Your 16 year old should be sorting their own transport.

supercali77 · 03/12/2022 21:59

I dont get the stuff about them feeling unwelcome. I was the child of a single mother with 3 kids, dad AWOL, once a month we stayed with my grandparents. My mother worked full time and raised us, run ragged. In no way did I ever take this as some form of abandonment. She needed it, im sure we sometimes said we'd rather kick about at home since my grandparents had no TV, but the point was in order to do the task she did for us - rest was needed. You have to prioritise yourself sometimes for everyone's benefit.

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 03/12/2022 22:07

arethereanyleftatall · 03/12/2022 20:47

I would expect my ex husband to still have the dc and just drive/wait everywhere. It wouldn't even be a discussion. It was his choice to move away, so he has to accommodate what the children want. He has done it no questions asked so far.

Exactly this
Have your weekends off
If your kids want transporting round it's your ex's weekend to do so

Original poster
PopGoesTheProsecco · 03/12/2022 22:07

Putdownthecake · 03/12/2022 21:50

I was a child of separated parents and your post makes me feel sad. Of course its annoying to look forward to a kid weekend to then realise that isn't the case but these are your children. Your home is their home. It should be up to them. If you don't want to run round after them then don't. I would imagine their dad might feel sad they're growing up and prioritising friends too but don't make them feel unwelcome. There are no weekends off as a parent.
Your 16 year old should be sorting their own transport.

I was also a child of separated parents.

if you’re divorced and have shared care in place there are weekends you can hope will give you down time because the ex is having child-free time to go to concerts/plays/pubs with friends etc the other 26 days of the month.

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 03/12/2022 22:14

I have 50/50 and EOW with my ex but now my kids have hit 15 and older, they choose where they want to be. I don't enforce the EOW 'rule; as it doesn't really work with their lives, friends, plans etc. They do know it needs to be discussed and we may not always be able to accommodate or for instance I might have plans but if the teens are happy to fend for themselves, then they're welcome to be with me instead. I think it's really hard on older teens to have to do EOW.

Original poster
PopGoesTheProsecco · 03/12/2022 22:17

supercali77 · 03/12/2022 21:59

I dont get the stuff about them feeling unwelcome. I was the child of a single mother with 3 kids, dad AWOL, once a month we stayed with my grandparents. My mother worked full time and raised us, run ragged. In no way did I ever take this as some form of abandonment. She needed it, im sure we sometimes said we'd rather kick about at home since my grandparents had no TV, but the point was in order to do the task she did for us - rest was needed. You have to prioritise yourself sometimes for everyone's benefit.

Thank you! My kids are my top priority. I love them to bits. I picked them up after their dad left and I pull out all the stops to support them in their extracurricular activities. But I’m not superhuman, I have long Covid, and I do need time to rest.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 03/12/2022 22:22

It's absolutely fine to have time to rest. Please ignore the poster making you feel guilty! We are all of us awesome 💪.

For me, it's isn't just about the loveliness of me time, it's also about teaching my children (and maybe it's relevant that they're girls) that mums and their wants are important too. We're so often bottom of the pile. Because they might be mums too someday.

ivykaty44 · 03/12/2022 22:39

There are no weekends off as a parent.

yet the NRP gets Monday to Friday off as a parent every week.

2 parents mean one of the parents can have some rest, otherwise they may malfunction

CornishGem1975 · 03/12/2022 22:42

But it is a valid point to make that if you were still together it's not a given that you'd get a 'rest', and certainly not a whole weekend, life just isn't like that. Long covid or not.

Can't imagine not letting my 16 year old have a bit more autonomy. They're a young adult, not a toddler.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/12/2022 22:47

CornishGem1975 · 03/12/2022 22:42

But it is a valid point to make that if you were still together it's not a given that you'd get a 'rest', and certainly not a whole weekend, life just isn't like that. Long covid or not.

Can't imagine not letting my 16 year old have a bit more autonomy. They're a young adult, not a toddler.

But they're not together, and one of the perks about that for separated parents, if you're good coparents, is that you do indeed get time off.

ivykaty44 · 03/12/2022 22:48

But it is a valid point to make that if you were still together it's not a given that you'd get a 'rest', and certainly not a whole weekend, life just isn't like that. Long covid or not.

if you were still together you’d not be a lone parent, you’d have another adult at home. You’d walk out the house to go tend your mother without the logistics- stuff like that

RandomMess · 03/12/2022 22:48

If they were still together she would have someone to share the load with 24/7 if it was a half way decent relationship

Jacksfesteringresentment · 03/12/2022 23:39

Some people on MN are real martyrs to their children!

Your ex is seriously side stepping any parenting here, bad enough that he only sees his children eow, he's quite happy to sometimes see them one weekend a month?

If it's his weekend he deals with anything the kids need, it doesn't automatically just fall on you!

I can't believe people are trying to make you feel guilty for wanting time to yourself!

And to the po, having your children every weekend is not really something to brag about. I doubt your ex is smugly telling people she has her children 5 days a week 🙄

CornishGem1975 · 03/12/2022 23:44

@arethereanyleftatall Got to be honest, I don't see it as a "perk" that my kids aren't with me half the week.

Lilithslove · 04/12/2022 02:22

I think it's normal that contact patterns change as children grow older. DSCs don't stick to a regular patten anymore and have their own social lifes BUT we live 15 minutes walk from mum's so it's easy for them to see their mates when they want no matter where they are staying.

I think it's really hard on kids to have to miss out on their friendship activities because their parents have separated but your ex should absolutely be sharing the load with this. Why can't he take your dd to her sleepover from his?