EOW arrangement with exh

[PopGoesTheProsecco]

My ExH left for the OW ten years ago now. Since then he’s had them every other weekend. There have been occasional blips - if he had a conference/had to attend Edinburgh Festival for work etc when I’’ve had them on ‘his’ weekend. For context he lives an hour away.

Now the kids are getting older (16, 12, 10) they’re making plans of their own at weekends. When they make plans on ‘his’ weekends they ask him whether it’s okay to not go to his house that weekend. He says ‘okay’. It seems that I’m the last one to know and then I’m left to sort out lifts, pick-ups etc on a weekend that I’m not down to have the kids.

I work full time, have an elderly mum I run errands for etc and have Long Covid (so energy not great).

I was looking forward to some child- free down time next weekend (have had a horribly virus this week and am exhausted), only to find that DD2 has agreed with him not to go to his house next weekend because she wants to go on a sleepover. So on my supposedly child-free weekend I have to drop off and pick up from the sleep over, take her to play a football match and take her to a team building event with her football team.

i don’t want to spoil the kids’ plans but it seems that every weekend he has the children one of them has made plans that mean they can’t go to his house.

In addition to my Long Covid, DD1 has SEN and can be difficult so the four days rest a month are really important to me.

Any advice?

I get it OP, I really do, as I'm also a single parent with EOW.

My EXDP, like yours, has our DC 4 days out of every 30/31. It's absolutely ridiculous that some posters are implying you are unreasonable for looking forward to the downtime, especially given you have Long Covid.

I don't have Long Covid, but I also look forward to those 2 weekends per month, as it's relentless looking after DC the rest of the time, when all the responsibility is yours.

My DC are under 7, however are aware that when they go to Dad's, Mum has her time and is sometimes busy doing things, and sometimes resting and relaxing. Either way, I'm not sitting at home pining for them, because the situation is what it is.

I've set very clear boundaries for my EXDP, and since we established the regular pattern, he has yet to try and make changes unilaterally.

You need to make it very clear that you aren't there to serve everybody, and step up on Dad's weekends. You need to not be a martyr about it; it's absolutely fine to have your own plans, and things you want to do.

The issue you have is that as things have been this way for so long, everyone (your EX and your DC) is likely to be disgruntled about the changes to the way things work. If you can power through that, and stick to the view that you need to be consulted before any changes to plans are made, you'll come out happy on the other side.

We live an hour away from my DSS and if he had "social plans" on our weekend we just wouldn't take him. We wouldn't drive two hours for that unless it was something particularly important.

It sounds like you want this to be his problem whereas really it is a problem with your kids - they need to remember to check with you or organise things for when they are with you. "It doesn't seem to stick in their minds" isn't good enough

I use to feel like you but learnt you can't force older DC to go to their DF house.

It makes life difficult for you but it's life and you just have to get on with it.

You could ask them to ask their dad to do drop offs etc but I learnt you cannot rely on them.

OP, I get it, I really do. It can be relentlessly exhausting to have to continually parent without any real downtime.

how is your dc’s relationship
with their dad? Are they organising things on ‘his’ time because they aren’t really bothered about seeing him?

is it possible for you and exH to be a bit more fluid with weekends - eg check by Wednesday what the plans are and then decide where the dc will be? Not ideal for long term plans, obviously, but possibly a way to ensure some downtime?

only you know, or can take a guess at, the situation with your dc. Maybe they aren’t that bothered seeing their dad, or are trying to lessen the time spent there. Maybe they are just being unthinking teens, expecting a parent to drop everything and Tina round after them (why aren’t they expecting this if their dad?)

posters here can only put their spin on it. To me, I fall on the side of posters who are saying this is what happens when you are a parent, and you need to dig deep and be there for your dc.

I am not a martyr to my dc, but I have not had any significant time without any of my dc in the 5 years since exH and I split. In my case, it is complicated by SN, and also by exH and the dc not having the best relationship (his fault). Eldest has had phases of going to his, then not at all for a while, then back to his. Middle one has not seen him at all (at his house, they will come along on eg family birthday occasions or similar) for well over a year now, and has little intention of going back for EOW. Even the youngest has had periods of not being able to stay at exH’a house. In my case, if I set out to my middle child that I really need the break and she needs to go to exH, it would put more pressure on a child who is already going through a lot. She doesn’t need to feel unwanted here, or that she is making my life harder etc. it is hard enough for her that she has got to the point where (initially as a young teen, but still as a mid teen now) she has had to deal with stuff that has made her go virtually NC with her dad. I can put more on her and just say ‘well, it’s his time, off you go’.

and that’s what I mean by only you being able to tell/feel what is right in your situation. I could have easily just said ‘YABU, you’re a parent, step up’, speaking from an experience where I have had to step up, but only you know/can begin to tease out whether your dc are trying to avoid/cut down time with their dad, or whether they aren’t really thinking it through.

you mentioned you are worried about the impact on their relationship with dad. I’d start by having a discussion with the em about this, and suggesting they can only ‘opt out’ of one weekend with dad each month, as you don’t want that relationship falling away. They may surprise you with their responses (eg my middle dc, when I had this chat with her as a 12 year old originally) told me she didn’t have much o a relationship with him anyway, spent practically all of her time at his house just sitting in her room to avoid what was going on elsewhere, and that she wouldn’t be missing out on anything anyway.

He left you for the OW when your kids were 6, 2 and a little baby? Ugh. Sorry, nothing useful to add but just wanted to express my disgust at his behaviour.

This weekend - is their a teammate who’s parent could take your DD to the team building + the match? You could trade favours and do the driving next week for both girls.
Then you just have to drive her to the sleepover - which is worth it because then you get the house to yourself for a bit.

Half a week I probably wouldn't either. But half a week isn't what we're talking about. In the ops case, and mine, where we do all the parenting 12 days out of 14, then I have no problem admitting/wanting/loving my 2 days off. As the op can.

An hour is quite far for popping back and forth. I’d say that the 16 year old should have the freedom to plan their life but be strongly encouraged to keep up their relationship with their dad through regular contact.
The other two - I would ask them to arrange their social life around their contact time. Changes should be exceptions if possible.
And they should all be asking you first re changing the programme! They are all old enough to appreciate you may have plans in place.

Im kind of getting enraged by the whole parent every day, thats your job, etc being aimed at a woman who has done exactly that after getting f**ed over by a cheating husband. Aim that point at the father that left. I really do not believe that among mothers particularly we should keep this toxic narrative that it always falls to the mother. That she should suffer exhaustion gladly. That we should martyr ourselves and never complain, never be too ill, never request our older children consider our health needs over their social needs.

Why can't they all go as planned and your ex husband run them about if they have plans?

Seems extremely unfair on you, especially if you've made plans around not having to look after them.

Also the kids sound old enough to understand this? Why can't they go to their dads and then drop it on him that he needs to do X, Y & Z? Why is it up to you to run everybody around? Your a single parent, he is not.

Sorry your feeling unwell OP. Sending hugs. Xxx

Op they’re 10,12 16

YEARS not months

Is anyone actually saying that?

When DS was 12 he started making a 2 hour train journey to his dad’s and was absolutely fine. Maybe she/he could do that.

My ex has the children EOW

suits me wonderfully. My children are with me most of the time, just how I always wanted it. But I relish by two days of pottering and complete me time!

How frequently?

no weekend activities?

my 12 year old has rugby every Sunday morning. Tennis game with his friend every Saturday afternoon

This. Stop running your kids around.

Myv12yo would make plans every weekend with his mates if I'd pay and facilitate it with lifts etc. I just say no we are having a relaxing weekend. If its a party or event that's different.

That's so rude

If they want to stay they should clear it with you before they ask him. You can say the younger ones can’t, except in exceptional circumstances and the older one needs to sort themselves for the weekend. Potentially 4 hours out of a weekend with the other two (or sticking them all in the car) is a much bigger inconvenience than dropping them round the corner. Maybe swap some weekends if one weekend they all want to be local.

My exh facilitates the dc social lives when it's his weekend. If that means they miss out because he won't make the effort, then so be it. Sounds harsh, but I'm not parenting him as well as my dc.

Either tell your kids that they have got to to their dad's or accommodate their social life like their dad has and deal with it.

Your ex is doing nothing wrong here and he'd be getting flamed if he was the one saying no

Every two weeks. He did rugby during the week and the team played on a Sunday. It was his choice to only play for the team every other Sunday.

Because he lives an hour away. People can have whatever opinions they want on him cheating and moving away but realistically driving this much (especially with multiple kids to consider) to facilitate kids meeting up with their mates is just not practical and nobody would do it.

People seem to get blinded by the desire to punish him for his sins but it's just not realistic to thing that he should run them around his weekends. If they go to his, they will have to forgo those plans.

That's up to him. If he doesn't give a shit and your kids are happy ignore him

Because he lives an hour away. People can have whatever opinions they want on him cheating and moving away but realistically driving this much (especially with multiple kids to consider) to facilitate kids meeting up with their mates is just not practical and nobody would do it.

I actually think it's pretty selfish of parents to decide to live far away from each other and then expect the kids to forgo their social lives because they don't want to drive them. I don't think the op should be the one never having a weekend off to facilitate this but I think her and her ex should work together to share the load of pick ups and drop offs.

I don't really understand why so many separated parents arrange their lives so they live far away from each other without transport links a teenager can use independently. It just seems to be making things more difficult than they need to be.

Lilithslove

My DP lives an hour away from DSS. It's because there are no work prospects for him where DSS lives, plus better prospects for our joint DC where we live now. If he had stayed with DSS's mum, he would have been pushing to move somewhere down the line. He hasn't chosen to just stay in a dead end situation because that's where DSS lives, he's chosen to travel an hour either way to pick him up and drop him off. There are other things he's chosen to consider and whether DSS could always meet up with his friends didn't t come top of the list.

Whether you think that's selfish or not doesn't really change the fact that realistically he's not going to then ferry him back and forth to do things in his home town unless it's a special occasion. It's especially impractical when he's looking after other kids as well, it would just eat up too much time.