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Original poster

EOW arrangement with exh

107 replies

PopGoesTheProsecco · 03/12/2022 20:28

My ExH left for the OW ten years ago now. Since then he’s had them every other weekend. There have been occasional blips - if he had a conference/had to attend Edinburgh Festival for work etc when I’’ve had them on ‘his’ weekend. For context he lives an hour away.

Now the kids are getting older (16, 12, 10) they’re making plans of their own at weekends. When they make plans on ‘his’ weekends they ask him whether it’s okay to not go to his house that weekend. He says ‘okay’. It seems that I’m the last one to know and then I’m left to sort out lifts, pick-ups etc on a weekend that I’m not down to have the kids.

I work full time, have an elderly mum I run errands for etc and have Long Covid (so energy not great).

I was looking forward to some child- free down time next weekend (have had a horribly virus this week and am exhausted), only to find that DD2 has agreed with him not to go to his house next weekend because she wants to go on a sleepover. So on my supposedly child-free weekend I have to drop off and pick up from the sleep over, take her to play a football match and take her to a team building event with her football team.

i don’t want to spoil the kids’ plans but it seems that every weekend he has the children one of them has made plans that mean they can’t go to his house.

In addition to my Long Covid, DD1 has SEN and can be difficult so the four days rest a month are really important to me.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Lilithslove · 04/12/2022 15:38

aSofaNearYou · 04/12/2022 15:01

Lilithslove

My DP lives an hour away from DSS. It's because there are no work prospects for him where DSS lives, plus better prospects for our joint DC where we live now. If he had stayed with DSS's mum, he would have been pushing to move somewhere down the line. He hasn't chosen to just stay in a dead end situation because that's where DSS lives, he's chosen to travel an hour either way to pick him up and drop him off. There are other things he's chosen to consider and whether DSS could always meet up with his friends didn't t come top of the list.

Whether you think that's selfish or not doesn't really change the fact that realistically he's not going to then ferry him back and forth to do things in his home town unless it's a special occasion. It's especially impractical when he's looking after other kids as well, it would just eat up too much time.

Dp and his ex committed to both living somewhere where they had career prospects so they could remain close enough to each other so that their children could easily have normal lives growing up. Its not something that happened by accident it was a deliberate decision when they split. Obviously in order to do this both parents need to be on board but it's not like it's that difficult to forsee that it's a lot easier to coparent teens if they can travel quickly and independently between houses.

And it's not just seeing friends though is it? Your DSS also couldn't join a regular weekend activity either. Many sports clubs and youth orchestras and bands rehearse on a Saturday morning. He also can't stay over in the week without a really long drive before school.

Mari9999 · 04/12/2022 15:42

Your ex is not saying "don't come" to them. He is saying "yes" to their request not to come. As kids get older, they are entitled to a normal pre-teen and teen social life. That life usually revolves around school and school friend related activities. The kids should be discussing with dad how he can facilitate and support their participation when they are with him.

If they are old enough to ask his permission not to come, they are old enough to have the discussion about his facilitating and supporting their transportation needs.

He may say" no" to providing transportation, then you and the kids need to find a plan B. In that case maybe you can arrange a shared transport plan with another local parent.

Kids should not have to give up normal activities for the ease or convenience of either parent. They have been impacted enough for the convenience and preferences of their parents.

IAmTi · 04/12/2022 15:46

Talk to your kids

aSofaNearYou · 04/12/2022 15:50

@Lilithslove That does sound ideal, but DSS's mum stayed in the marital home and would never consider moving to a different area.

Yes I know living further away means he can't do regular clubs etc (though he doesn't really do anything like this anyway and hasn't shown interest), but this was just not enough of a priority to accept all the sacrifices that would come with living in that immediate area.

Lilithslove · 04/12/2022 15:52

Op do you actually know that your ex wouldn't facilitate them if they asked? It could be that he's being thoughtless about the extra work on you and just saying yes to what kid asked. Perhaps this could be sorted with a frank conversation about your reasonable need for a break.

PeekAtYou · 04/12/2022 15:55

Yanbu to expect your kids to tell you when they aren't going to their dad's- especially as you might have plans already. Do you live somewhere where public transport and lift shares are available ?

Jewel7 · 04/12/2022 16:23

It’s down to communication really. Could you have a family what’s app with your ex on there?so everyone knows what’s happening. For football is there other parents that could share drop offs with you? I think your oldest could rely on public transport depending where you live.

Original poster
PopGoesTheProsecco · 04/12/2022 16:37

PeekAtYou · 04/12/2022 15:55

Yanbu to expect your kids to tell you when they aren't going to their dad's- especially as you might have plans already. Do you live somewhere where public transport and lift shares are available ?

Unfortunately not. With 20/20 hindsight it probably wasn’t the best location to move to. But at the time youngest DD was only a few weeks old so I moved to where I had a support network. Now they’re growing up the lack of public transport is an issue.

OP posts:
TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 04/12/2022 16:40

I think your EXH still should be responsible for these arrangements, he should still be doing the dropping off, picking up etc it's his issue that he lives an hour away.

IAmTi · 04/12/2022 16:46

PopGoesTheProsecco · 04/12/2022 16:37

Unfortunately not. With 20/20 hindsight it probably wasn’t the best location to move to. But at the time youngest DD was only a few weeks old so I moved to where I had a support network. Now they’re growing up the lack of public transport is an issue.

Show quote history

You can still move

FloydPepper · 04/12/2022 16:50

When my kids have social plans on my weekend, I’m the taxi. If it’s something major like they’re away, the weekend gets swapped.

im more than happy to ferry them around, it’s part of being a dad to teenagers

Original poster
PopGoesTheProsecco · 04/12/2022 16:53

Thanks for all your views and suggestions.

I guess I do need to accept that they’re getting older and I need to adapt!

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 04/12/2022 16:56

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 04/12/2022 16:40

I think your EXH still should be responsible for these arrangements, he should still be doing the dropping off, picking up etc it's his issue that he lives an hour away.

So what happens to the other two kids (assuming he hasn't had more since leaving) while that's happening? Do they all have to be dragged along on two hour round trips every time their sibling wants to socialise?

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 04/12/2022 17:03

aSofaNearYou · 04/12/2022 16:56

So what happens to the other two kids (assuming he hasn't had more since leaving) while that's happening? Do they all have to be dragged along on two hour round trips every time their sibling wants to socialise?

Show quote history

Well I imagine the 16 yo wouldn't have to but yes the other DC probably would, would be the same arrangement if they were at OPs albeit there wouldn't be such a large journey. My point is that EXH can't just offload responsibility on to OP.

Coffeepot72 · 04/12/2022 17:07

We live an hour away from my DSS and if he had "social plans" on our weekend we just wouldn't take him. We wouldn't drive two hours for that unless it was something particularly important.

We used to have a similar situation, and felt the same as you @aSofaNearYou . And when he got older he no longer visited EOW (noting the ex fought tooth and nail to insist he did). But if it was supposed to be our weekend and he chose not to come, we no longer classed it as “our weekend” because he wasn’t with us. I’m sure some posters would suggest we should have driven over to the ex’s and picked up his laundry just so DH was doing his bit, but when they become teenagers it’s no longer so black and white.

writingsonthewall · 04/12/2022 17:08

I've got 2 of 14 and 16, they used to go one weekend in 4 but it stopped with covid (can't really remember why, I think because ex was paranoid about getting it). Now they go as and when, no fixed timetable. Sometimes it's for dinner on a weeknight, other times it's for a day or two at the weekend. Sometimes it's 2 weeks in a row, others it's weeks apart. The 16 has a part time job now with shifts that move.

I wouldn't mind if they went every other weekend but they're older now and have lives and plans of their own.
Saying that I never had EOW "off" anyway. And wouldn't really want it to be honest. They'll soon be gone and you'll wonder why you wanted to be away from them

Ivyblu · 04/12/2022 17:09

CornishGem1975 · 03/12/2022 22:42

But it is a valid point to make that if you were still together it's not a given that you'd get a 'rest', and certainly not a whole weekend, life just isn't like that. Long covid or not.

Can't imagine not letting my 16 year old have a bit more autonomy. They're a young adult, not a toddler.

Are you a single parent yourself?

You wouldn't get a whole weekend off no. However if OP wanted to go out on an evening she could do and leave her DH at home with the youngest DC. She would be splitting her rent/mortgage in half, she would have someone to speak to about a shit week at work, she could share who picks the poorly child up from school.

I know it's not all roses but let's not forget these things when your in a relationship.

OP it seems if this has been going on 10 years already its all a bit late your eldest is 16 so really it's just the 2 younger DC. How far is the drive? Could they get an Uber one way? Dad drop off.

londonmummy1966 · 04/12/2022 17:20

PopGoesTheProsecco · 03/12/2022 20:57

Yes I’ve told them but it doesn’t seem to stick in their memory.

When one has plans the other two go to their dad.

SO next time it doesn't stick in their memory do not facilitate their plans. A breezy "sorry but you didn't tell me so I've planned my weekend on the basis you would be at Dad's so I'm not taking you to football/friends house etc etc." Even better if you can find a really boring art gallery to drag them round so they're not disrupting your plans. Couple that with insisting on watching what you want on the TV (again a dry documentary or two will work a treat). A couple of weekends like that and I can guarantee that it will stick in their memory thereafter.

aSofaNearYou · 04/12/2022 17:36

Well I imagine the 16 yo wouldn't have to but yes the other DC probably would, would be the same arrangement if they were at OPs albeit there wouldn't be such a large journey. My point is that EXH can't just offload responsibility on to OP.

Personally I wouldn't regularly expect that of the other kids, it isn't fair on them. I'm not saying he should offload responsibility to OP, but I would be saying that driving them back to socialise on dad's weekend isn't an option. So it's a conversation to be had with OP whether she would rather facilitate them herself, or accept that they can't do those things on dad's weekend.

Original poster
PopGoesTheProsecco · 04/12/2022 17:53

To be fair to ExH, he was an awful husband (multiple affairs) but he’s not a bad dad and he thinks the world of his kids. I sometimes feel sad on his behalf that the kids would rather do things with their mates than see him when they only get to see him EOW.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/12/2022 17:55

Don't become a martyr ferrying your kids around every weekend. You need a break and to do other things as well.

He can do some of that for them, he's an hour away not 4 hours!

Original poster
PopGoesTheProsecco · 04/12/2022 17:59

I also keep thinking how I’d feel if I only got to see my kids four days a month and nearly every time I got to see them one of the older two said ‘not this weekend dad, I’ve got plans’. I’d be crushed.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/12/2022 18:05

Which is why he needs to be involved with ferrying them, time to chat and catch up and be part of their lives.

IAmTi · 04/12/2022 18:06

RandomMess · 04/12/2022 18:05

Which is why he needs to be involved with ferrying them, time to chat and catch up and be part of their lives.

Yeah but if he cant be arsed so be it. They'll know what side their bread is buttered.

Coffeepot72 · 04/12/2022 18:11

When I was a teenager, I would have hated to spend EOW away from home, friends, hobbies and interests etc. I’m sure the OP’s children are no different, yet she blames their Dad?