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Relationships

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Original poster

date really keen for me to come round

127 replies

rockly · 02/12/2022 18:42

Don't know if I'm overthinking.

For some context, I'm 31 and chronically single possibly because I'm too picky. I'm on apps, and tend to go on a couple of dates, then just end it there because I don't feel a strong connection or there's a small thing I don't personally like about someone.

So maybe I'm doing the same thing here.

Met a perfectly nice man, as always not completely sure I see him romantically but my friends tell me I should give him a chance. First date we went for drinks. He immediately messaged after and invited me to his for dinner. I didn't feel comfortable with that (for lots of reasons - not least he leaves out of the main city) so suggested a tapas place instead. Again afterwards he suggested dinner at his.

I have been away since we met, and am avoiding messaging him because I feel like I'm going to have to come to decision on whether I want to go to his house.

I don't feel comfortable. My friends point out that he probably is so keen for this because he wants to impress me - show me around his house, show me he can cook, introduce me to his puppy (which I have been asking many many questions about). I'm coeliac and he's asked loads about the kinds of foods I can have But honestly all this is doing is putting me off.

After the first date he really wanted to drive me home and was actually quite pushy - again I think it was just he wanted to show off his car (unfortunately for him I have no idea about cars ha). Second date I let him, as it did seem pretty ridiculous to walk home in the rain when he was right there.

Ah so I don't know. I like to think I'm a good judge of character, and I think he's a nice person. The last time I was dating it was at university, everyone was a friend of a friend, and I didn't think twice about going to someone's house.

OP posts:

zen1 · 02/12/2022 18:45

It would be a ‘no’ from me given that he was quite pushy on the first date. I would be thinking that was a bit of a red flag. Also, trust your instincts and don’t be talked into going to his by your friends.

PacificallyRequested · 02/12/2022 18:46

My friends point out that he probably is so keen for this because he wants to impress me - show me around his house, show me he can cook, introduce me to his puppy

Well, maybe. But it's probably mostly because he wants a shag. It's up to you whether you're OK with that, and with your evening at his house potentially being your last date once he's got what he wants.

Zanatdy · 02/12/2022 18:47

I’d go with your gut and just say no for now. I’d just say no offence but as women you have to be cautious, unless you know him quite well then no I just wouldn’t for now. I’d keep dates public for a good couple of months. If he’s keen then he will accept, if he’s pushy I’d probably decline anymore dates

dontputitthere · 02/12/2022 18:51

He's making you feel uncomfortable

Any man worth his salt would understand if it was too much too soon or too whatever and back off. He would not keep pressuring you.

You say you're out of practice so you're asking if this is normal.
A) hell no. I don't go to a pretty much a strangers house
B) who cares what everyone else thinks. You don't want to so don't do it.

You're not the first person on here today to say something like this. It makes me worry when people doubt their own boundaries

Mabelface · 02/12/2022 18:52

He makes you uncomfortable. That's enough. Trust your intuition.

TheShellBeach · 02/12/2022 18:53

OP - do please trust your instincts.
If this man is worth anything, he will be happy to continue to meet at bars/restaurants/cinema or wherever, until you're okay with going to his house.

As a PP said, he probably wants a shag. That may be something you want too - but NOT YET.

Trust your gut. Don't allow yourself to be railroaded.

Livinghappy · 02/12/2022 18:58

Please trust your instinct. You don't know him and it is risky to meet a relative stranger at his house. He isn't respecting your boundaries. I suspect he wants sex and if he's pushy he might apply pressure based on "all the effort he has made for your food".

A decent man knows women are vulnerable so he shouldn't be asking.

I recommend you read "the gift of fear", it will help you to trust your instincts.

Btw, you don't have to justify your decision to friends...it's your life. Picky just means you haven't met the right person yet.

Whataretheodds · 02/12/2022 19:00

He wants a shag. His pushiness would worry me - suggests he'd struggle to take no for an answer. If you want to meet him again do so in a public place and don't tell him where you live. If you still get a pushy vibe then leave it.

nancydroo · 02/12/2022 19:02

Definitely don't go to his house. Sounds like you want to spend less time with him than more. What happens when you want to leave and he wants you to stay longer or puts you off calling a cab or says I'll take you home later. He sounds awkward and lacks self-awareness at best.

Iflyaway · 02/12/2022 19:13

OP, listen to your instinct/intuition, not your friends, I get they want you to be happy but have they met him?!

Any man immediately wanting to come to your house is A BIG RED FLAG!

Please tighten up your boundaries. There's many creeps out there.

And NO, I'm not saying most men are creeps.. Thankfully, most are not.
You just have to sift through for the diamond. You need to "click" with someone, and be on the right page together.

Remember, your intuition/instinct is the BEST friend, who has your back.

carefulcalculator · 02/12/2022 19:23

Trust your instincts.

If he really is nice he will wait
Plenty of rapists/pests/pushy twats present as 'nice' until they turn nasty

carefulcalculator · 02/12/2022 19:24

I also agree that 'picky' is not necessarily a bad thing.

TheShellBeach · 02/12/2022 19:26

Plenty of rapists/pests/pushy twats present as 'nice' until they turn nasty

Well, that's true, Everyone apparently thought the Yorkshire Ripper was absolutely charming in social situations.

ThisIsNotARealAvo · 02/12/2022 19:27

No, he wants sex

Theskyisfallingdown · 02/12/2022 19:33

@Iflyaway there is no mention of him wanting to go in to OPs house.

Iflyaway · 02/12/2022 19:35

Not yet maybe....

In my situation I would feel uncomfortable as it seems he is taking all the reins.

Opentooffers · 02/12/2022 19:36

House on 2nd date - he's pushing for sex early on. If that's not for you, insist on a restaurant and if he's unwilling, that proves he was just after that and maybe nothing else so could be the type to ghost after.

IsThePopeCatholic · 02/12/2022 19:40

He wants to show off his car and house? THAT would put me off. Sounds shallow.

Naunet · 02/12/2022 19:46

I’d say no purely to test his response, good way to find out a lot about a man.

Original poster

rockly · 02/12/2022 19:46

IsThePopeCatholic · 02/12/2022 19:40

He wants to show off his car and house? THAT would put me off. Sounds shallow.

Agh I know.

I was worried I wasn't giving people enough of a chance and self-sabotaging by cutting things off early all the time, but now these replies are making me worried there are no dateable single men left :/

OP posts:

Ladyintangerine · 02/12/2022 19:53

Again afterwards he suggested dinner at his.

A big fat 'No' from me OP - he's being too pushy.

Don't go back to his house until you feel ready - if at all. You hardly know this guy, so don't put yourself at risk.

You aren't being 'too picky', you're being sensible.

It's a numbers game, so just keep putting yourself 'out there'.

FuckConvoGiveMeAForest · 02/12/2022 19:53

No OP I wouldn't like this at all. He sounds too pushy and to be honest if he had any emotional intelligence he would be cautious about inviting you to his home this early on. I'd end it.

Winemygoodenemy · 02/12/2022 20:01

I am on the fence as going round to someone’s house always you to relax and spend more quiet time. Normally I suggest my house 4/5th date as I am in control on my environment. But I would only do it if felt comfortable and my gut wasn’t telling me not to.

Current partner I went to his on the 4th date - we live a good distance away from each other and always got chucked out of places as we were chatting too much. He wasn’t pushy when he asked and in fact up till the day I went round thought I wasn’t staying as he was such a gentleman about it. No suggestions of staying and on the day offered his spare room if I wanted a drink. Wasn’t sure if he was interested as it was slightly different from last guys. Granted our 3rd date was 12 hours long as a day trip.

I am picky too and was mostly single for years. just tell him you want to get to know him well before you go round. Always suspicious guys had an alternative motive. If you like him, but not ready for alone time just say. He may just been keen to get to know you and will calm it down if he is nice and continue with lovely meals out.

If he doesn’t respond well and is not understanding, he is not for you and your gut is right.

PickledRat · 02/12/2022 20:27

My friends point out that he probably is so keen for this because he wants to impress me - show me around his house, show me he can cook, introduce me to his puppy

Unlikely! I think we all know what he wants to show you.

Original poster

rockly · 02/12/2022 20:33

PickledRat · 02/12/2022 20:27

My friends point out that he probably is so keen for this because he wants to impress me - show me around his house, show me he can cook, introduce me to his puppy

Unlikely! I think we all know what he wants to show you.

Maybe - this is what she said when I said I thought it may just be about sex, and she dates a lot and has done for several years.

FWIW I do think he's very serious about finding a long term partner rather than just a ONS, but could be wrong.

I think I've been put off though.

OP posts:

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