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Original poster

date really keen for me to come round

127 replies

rockly · 02/12/2022 18:42

Don't know if I'm overthinking.

For some context, I'm 31 and chronically single possibly because I'm too picky. I'm on apps, and tend to go on a couple of dates, then just end it there because I don't feel a strong connection or there's a small thing I don't personally like about someone.

So maybe I'm doing the same thing here.

Met a perfectly nice man, as always not completely sure I see him romantically but my friends tell me I should give him a chance. First date we went for drinks. He immediately messaged after and invited me to his for dinner. I didn't feel comfortable with that (for lots of reasons - not least he leaves out of the main city) so suggested a tapas place instead. Again afterwards he suggested dinner at his.

I have been away since we met, and am avoiding messaging him because I feel like I'm going to have to come to decision on whether I want to go to his house.

I don't feel comfortable. My friends point out that he probably is so keen for this because he wants to impress me - show me around his house, show me he can cook, introduce me to his puppy (which I have been asking many many questions about). I'm coeliac and he's asked loads about the kinds of foods I can have But honestly all this is doing is putting me off.

After the first date he really wanted to drive me home and was actually quite pushy - again I think it was just he wanted to show off his car (unfortunately for him I have no idea about cars ha). Second date I let him, as it did seem pretty ridiculous to walk home in the rain when he was right there.

Ah so I don't know. I like to think I'm a good judge of character, and I think he's a nice person. The last time I was dating it was at university, everyone was a friend of a friend, and I didn't think twice about going to someone's house.

OP posts:
FI0N · 02/12/2022 23:32

My sons are teenagers and they have no trouble working out why a woman might not be happy to go back to a man’s home when she hardly knows him. How odd that someone who claims to be an adult male can’t Hmm.

Original poster
rockly · 02/12/2022 23:33

SunshineLoving · 02/12/2022 23:22

Definitely trust your gut. If you're not comfortable, don't go to his house.

I've only ever gone to a man's house in a romantic situation when I fully trust him

Yes definitely. So much easier when someone is already known to you rather than a complete stranger!

OP posts:
Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 02/12/2022 23:38

rockly · 02/12/2022 23:01

Yes - this is it for me and I felt like that about the driving me home too.

I genuinely think we'd have a perfectly night evening with him cooking me dinner and then he'd drive me home, but I don't like the fact he's so oblvious to this.

Show quote history

The thing is he is oblivious of this, he is oblivious of respecting your boundaries, I would be concerned that he is also oblivious of the importance of enthusiastic consent

I don't mean he's trying to get you to his house to rape you (although this is always the concern isn't it, or one of them)

What I mean is if you get into a relationship with him it risks him being the kind of man who thinks its okay to keep pushing up against your boundaries if he wants sex and you don't, or keeps asking despite being told no etc.

If he can't respect your boundaries now, when he is trying to make a good impression, he's not going to suddenly respect them in a few months time if the relationship gets serious.

Ofcourseshecan · 03/12/2022 01:02

I wouldn’t write him off on the basis of his enthusiasm, OP. Why not tell him you prefer meeting in town till you know each other better. As others have said, his response may tell you a lot.

youagainomg · 03/12/2022 01:19

You've had one date and he is already making you uncomfortable. To many red flags too being so pushy. You need better friends too giving you such crappy advice.

Quiegal · 03/12/2022 06:33

@Watchkeys

Why do you have to be so h

pinkfondu · 03/12/2022 06:47

Follow your gut, your home and not going to his, should never be compromised if you aren't feeling it

Quiegal · 03/12/2022 06:57

@Watchkeys

Do you need to be so judgemental of a person you don't know. The OP hasn't just gone back slept with him already she still being very cautious. Telling her something she is clearing not really be careful about responding and assuming things.
You need to remember you have no idea of the person whom is posting and of the situation other than what she wrote here. Just think about how you come across to people you respond too although I know you mean well but give it a rest at times.

STARCATCHER22 · 03/12/2022 07:06

Just coming at this from another possible perspective… there’s a cost of living crisis going on. Who is paying for the dates in bars and restaurants? Is is possible that he’s finding it tough to stretch to dates at places you need to pay for? I know when I was dating (and splitting 50/50) it could end up being quite expensive!

Quiegal · 03/12/2022 07:09

@rockly

I would meet him one more time say at the tapas bar but see how he is and then tell him if you want to stop seeing him or continue getting to know him.

For me dinner at his meant sex for dessert.

I personally get cold after first date because you can pick up the vibe what they are expect second or third date. He seems so clear on what he after he would put me off too.

I have had so many different experiences. I have both done the going back to a guys house probably first, second and making them wait months. It actually depends on the person and if you feel comfortable with them. If your just after sex or a relationship.

What do you want right now? A hook up and relationship after dating.

You seem strong minded and know yourself so let no one tell you what you are if your not.

I would just date different guys and see who makes you feel comfortable before going back to their house. You get to know however long you want.

After sex judges how they see you. Giving it up too early does give them wrong impression. Pushy guys are the worst.

I think you know what to do so good luck

rainbowstardrops · 03/12/2022 07:32

I wouldn't go back to his only a couple of dates in. I'd have to know them better and feel comfortable about it.
Maybe say that to him and see how he reacts to that.

Quiegal · 03/12/2022 07:33

@rockly

I should say also your personality and if you vibe well together not just sex they judge you by and how you clean you are. You know what mean.

Sickofcoughing · 03/12/2022 08:17

I think you're right to ignore your friends' advice here OP, who made them the experts? I also had nonstop advice from my coupled up since their 20s friends when I was single for most of my 30s. They had no idea what the landscape was like to have to branch out of your own social circle and find someone.

Maybe you are being too picky though, as in not giving people a chance. I was guilty of looking for the reason it wasn't going to work.

Do you like this guy apart from this? If yes why not continue to see him but be clear the dates will be on your terms for the foreseeable. I'd suggest he stop asking for you to go to his house, that it simply isn't going to happen.

Watchkeys · 03/12/2022 09:23

Quiegal · 03/12/2022 06:57

@Watchkeys

Do you need to be so judgemental of a person you don't know. The OP hasn't just gone back slept with him already she still being very cautious. Telling her something she is clearing not really be careful about responding and assuming things.
You need to remember you have no idea of the person whom is posting and of the situation other than what she wrote here. Just think about how you come across to people you respond too although I know you mean well but give it a rest at times.

Wow. 2 paragraphs on how wrong I am, and why. Who put you in charge?

You need to remember that everybody is allowed to post what they want, as long as it doesn't break the 'chat' rules, and stick to making your own points rather than vetting other people's. 'Give it a rest'?! Do you think you're my mum?

Watchkeys · 03/12/2022 09:24

Thank you @dontputitthere

saltofcelery · 03/12/2022 09:35

Being asked once would be okay for me, I'd just be very very clear that I wanted to get to know him first before being in his space.

Something else is up - you haven't realised yet but your intuition is telling you something. Is it that he has persisted when you have said no? Can you think of anything in your conversations he's said or done that have raised alarm bells?

LaLuz7 · 03/12/2022 09:38

My friends point out that he probably is so keen for this because he wants to impress me - show me around his house, show me he can cook, introduce me to his puppy (which I have been asking many many questions about).

ahahahahahahahaha

No. He wants to fuck.

On a more serious note, his being pushy with your boundaries is a big red flag.

Your gut is trying to tell you something. You better listen

MmedeGouge · 03/12/2022 09:39

If you have enjoyed the first couple of dates and feel a connection with him why wouldn’t you just explain that you are not comfortable meeting at his home just yet and would rather meet at a restaurant. If he doesn’t accept it gracefully then there’s your answer about his motives.

SoonToBeSwedeyMummy · 03/12/2022 09:43

I think he just wants a shag. Nothing wrong with that if both parties consent.

Maybe be a little more upfront with your expectations, tell him you think he's being a little pushy and would rather go over his in your own time but for now would prefer to meet somewhere public and properly get to know him.

Naunet · 03/12/2022 10:36

Bs0u416d · 02/12/2022 22:55

I find a lot of these replies quite depressing, though not surprising in age we live. I am a man (it's been a long time since I was single and dating) but if I really liked someone I was quite keen to invite them round for dinner. Not for a shag. But show myself, to share my space, to get to know someone better in a personal space and to cook for them (huge passion and something I love to do for people I care about). If you're not comfortable OP don't go but I think you're friends are perhaps more right than many misandristic posters on here.

Oh fuck off. Women are not misandrist for looking out for their own safety. Bet if you had a daughter you wouldn’t be encouraging her to go round strange men’s houses.

Longestnight · 03/12/2022 10:42

I don’t think he wants to show you around his house. Well that’s not his first priority I wouldn’t have thought.

I met up with a guy a couple of times then he wanted me to go to his house and he would cook. He went on and on. I said I would prefer a night out and I never heard from him again!

PaterPower · 03/12/2022 10:50

As a pp has pointed out upthread, is there a cost element to this? Are you going Dutch on dates or has he paid so far?

Even splitting the bill can mount up. Has he (or you) suggested something that’s free / cheaper than meals out? Plenty of local Christmas markets on at this time of year - you could take a walk together around one, rather than paying for a restaurant.

But obviously, if he’s giving off creepy vibes then best just to end it.

Original poster
rockly · 03/12/2022 11:14

PaterPower · 03/12/2022 10:50

As a pp has pointed out upthread, is there a cost element to this? Are you going Dutch on dates or has he paid so far?

Even splitting the bill can mount up. Has he (or you) suggested something that’s free / cheaper than meals out? Plenty of local Christmas markets on at this time of year - you could take a walk together around one, rather than paying for a restaurant.

But obviously, if he’s giving off creepy vibes then best just to end it.

Thanks yes I think there probably is a cost factor playing into it too.

Both dates he's driven into the city centre (40 mins each way) and quietly paid whilst I've been in the bathroom. He is definitely financially better off than me, but I had planned to insist on paying if I saw him again to even things out!

It also means he can't have a drink, and has to either extend the puppy daycare or organise for someone to come in and check on her, which I'm guessing is a faff.

The trouble is because he doesn't live centrally, there isn't really the same level of late night restaurants/bars as we have him, so I haven't been travelling to him.

I'm not discounting the whole "he's just after a quick shag" point of view, but I do get why he might just want a date in the comfort of his own home based on this.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 03/12/2022 11:15

No from me. Too soon, you need to get a better idea of his character.

Original poster
rockly · 03/12/2022 11:22

saltofcelery · 03/12/2022 09:35

Being asked once would be okay for me, I'd just be very very clear that I wanted to get to know him first before being in his space.

Something else is up - you haven't realised yet but your intuition is telling you something. Is it that he has persisted when you have said no? Can you think of anything in your conversations he's said or done that have raised alarm bells?

Yes and I think the problem is I didn't say "I don't want to go to your house for date 2 because I'm not comfortable", I said I didn't want to go because I was travelling the next day (true) and only had a couple of hours so did he want to go to this restaurant near my house.

So now that he's brought it up again for date 3, I'm going to have to explicitly state I don't want to rather than making an excuse. And I think my gut is telling me it's going to be awkward, which is why I'm avoiding the whole convo in the first place.

OP posts: