date really keen for me to come round

[rockly]

Don't know if I'm overthinking.

For some context, I'm 31 and chronically single possibly because I'm too picky. I'm on apps, and tend to go on a couple of dates, then just end it there because I don't feel a strong connection or there's a small thing I don't personally like about someone.

So maybe I'm doing the same thing here.

Met a perfectly nice man, as always not completely sure I see him romantically but my friends tell me I should give him a chance. First date we went for drinks. He immediately messaged after and invited me to his for dinner. I didn't feel comfortable with that (for lots of reasons - not least he leaves out of the main city) so suggested a tapas place instead. Again afterwards he suggested dinner at his.

I have been away since we met, and am avoiding messaging him because I feel like I'm going to have to come to decision on whether I want to go to his house.

I don't feel comfortable. My friends point out that he probably is so keen for this because he wants to impress me - show me around his house, show me he can cook, introduce me to his puppy (which I have been asking many many questions about). I'm coeliac and he's asked loads about the kinds of foods I can have But honestly all this is doing is putting me off.

After the first date he really wanted to drive me home and was actually quite pushy - again I think it was just he wanted to show off his car (unfortunately for him I have no idea about cars ha). Second date I let him, as it did seem pretty ridiculous to walk home in the rain when he was right there.

Ah so I don't know. I like to think I'm a good judge of character, and I think he's a nice person. The last time I was dating it was at university, everyone was a friend of a friend, and I didn't think twice about going to someone's house.

You could go for a daytime walk in the park. He could bring the dog, no need for booze, you buy coffees /pastries/lunch.

Think about - would any of the decent men you know go funny if a woman said 'thank uou for the invitation but I'm just not comfortable coming to your place yet.'?

Just having read your 1st post and not the rest of the thread it sounds like he want to skip the dating and just get down to the shagging.

He doesn't sound like he wants to get to know you and date you.
He sounds like he wants to get into your knickers asap.

(Newsflash: many men OLD won't let you they are just looking for casual sex and nothing more as they know that will reduce the pool of women interested in them).

So they SAY they are looking for a relationship but their ACTIONS show they are just looking for a shag.

I think your friends are very naive.

A relative had a similar situation. The man seemed nice on the first date and all looked positive. He suggested that she come to his city next time and they would go out for a meal. The two cities are close together. In the end he invited her to his house instead. She said that it was too soon for that (she thought he was probably after sex, but obviously didn't say that to him). The next communication was a string of nasty, abusive messages from him. The sense of entitlement was astounding, but at least he showed his true colours early on.

What I'm trying to say is that there is a good chance that your date wanted sex. Nothing wrong with that if you're on the same page, but pays to be aware.

So you are on the third date and already you are avoiding saying no to him because he’s going to be difficult about it.

How’s that going to be when you’ve been dating for 3 months and you go away for the weekend together?

Or after you have been living together for 3 years and he pays half the mortgage?

Refusing to take no for an answer and pushing your boundaries are two classic signs of a controlling and abusive man.

And he did not want to show off his nice car either. Op, you really need to learn the online dating rules and stop thinking the best of men out there. There are some lovely ones of course, but lots of users too.

I will be honest that my relative hasn't met a single decent one online and that her current boyfriend was found in the real world. Now he is lovely.

I wouldn't like having to turn down the home invite a third time. IMO he should have enough awareness to think that ah maybe she's not comfortable yet to be alone so I'll drop it for now. The fact that he hasn't dropped it and that I have to spell it out would bother me quite a lot. I'm with you OP something seems red flaggy here and I can't figure out what - although I agree having to come into the city, organise care for his pup etc is a bit of a faff so I can see why he might want to change it up...

But if your intuition is telling you something is off then I'd trust it.

But also:

this is what she said when I said I thought it may just be about sex, and she dates a lot and has done for several years.

A serial dater isn't going to be the best judge here so rely on your own summation not your friend's.

Being explicit (about not feeling comfortable about going to his yet) would decide this once and for all, no?

Either he realises he’s given you the wrong impression, and is happy to do something else, or he confirms, by his reaction, that he’s only after the shag.

And if you suggest an alternative at the same time, you’ll not give him the impression you’re just trying to let him down politely / want to stop dating him altogether.

I think Watchkeys post was spot on actually. It might have been hard to hear, but it is probably the one piece of advice that op should take away from this thread.

He only has one thing on his mind OP .. unless that’s what you want steer clear

These do all seem like pretty valid reasons for him to want you to have a date at his place.

He may also want a quick shag but I guess you won’t know until you go round.

If you haven’t said that you were uncomfortable going around to his so quickly, he may not realise how it’s coming across with him asking again. Might be worth being honest about it and take it from there.

For what it’s worth, I wouldn’t have been comfortable going to someone’s house on a second date when I was dating either

I disagree @knittingaddict

Many posters have said he sounds like bad news & he's just after sex and that's an opinion I've definitely taken on board.

Telling me I have no self-respect and it's not "rocket science" doesn't seem like a productive contribution to the thread.

Well that same poster told me I was "catatrophising" when I (slightly tongue in cheek) said I was worried there were no dateable men on apps!

Again I feel this is a little patronising - I am experienced in relationships and dating and I've managed to never be in a situation where I've felt used for sex or disrespected before.

I do think that the app method isn't working for me (as I said - I never feel comfortable with trying to see strangers romantically - i get the immediate cold feet), but the trouble is it's hard to find people without making a concious effort.

Yep I agree with this.

Being explicit this time about why I don't want to go round I think will be very telling.

My original q was whether to just leave it (my default response when dating) or make the effort to explain, see his response, and take it from there. I'm not sure how I feel about the latter.

If that’s the situation I can’t see that it’s going to be much fun dating him.

He can’t go out for a drink in town because he doesn’t want to pay for a taxi or take the bus so he has to drive .

He can’t go out near where he lives because there’s nothing where he lives.

Every time he goes out he needs to book a puppy sitter.

Sounds pretty boring if you ask me. Is your entire social life with him going to be dog walks and sitting at home watching East Enders with a nice Chocolate digestive?

And he did not want to show off his nice car either. Op, you really need to learn the online dating rules

Without being obtuse - I'm not sure what you're trying to imply here @knittingaddict

He wanted to drive me from the bar to my house on date 1 - I said no so we walked. Obviously you do not want to get into a car with a virtual stranger.

Date 2 he offered to drive me from the restaurant to my house - I said yes as I felt comfortable with it, so he dropped me off, we said goodnight and that was the end of date 2.

I'm all for being suspicious and cynical, but I'm not sure what you think his motives were if not to show off being gentlemanly and that he has a nice car?

Well how does anyone date if they live relatively far away from each other? (Genuine question to people who do - I've never done it)

I wouldn't be in a relationship that you've described, but I don't think there's any indication that that's how a relationship would be.

So far he has made all the effort regarding travelling etc - he's never said he doesn't want to pay for a taxi or get a bus, it's just we've been out twice and he's happened to drive.

I'm all for being suspicious and cynical, but I'm not sure what you think his motives were if not to show off being gentlemanly and that he has a nice car?

Multiple posters have told you what his motives are. We've all known them - just let me use the loo - just a cuddle - nothing will happen i just want to be close to you - just a kiss- you don't want me to stop do you? -
Before you know where you are someone's riding someone else like a pony.

Why crop the rest of my post out?

He wanted to drive me from the bar to my house on date 1 - I said no so we walked. Obviously you do not want to get into a car with a virtual stranger.

Date 2 he offered to drive me from the restaurant to my house - I said yes as I felt comfortable with it, so he dropped me off, we said goodnight and that was the end of date 2.

The car journeys have happened. I risk assessed and decided first time I did not want to, second time I felt comfortable.

But it’s not just the far from each other bit, is it ? It’s the puppy that needs a babysitter all the time. It sounds very tying.

Im only mentioning all this because a PP seemed to be suggesting that these factors ( distance from town, having to drive, finances because he is paying all the time, puppy / babysitter ) somehow obliged you to go to his place for his convenience.

Whereas for me they indicate someone who isn’t flexible ( wont take the bus, wont share the bill , cant think of day time dates ) or has too many ties and doesn’t have space in his life to date.

Eveyyone has their own perspective and what’s important to them. I hope you work out what’s best for you OP.

The man wants to get laid. No more no less. He’s inviting you to his in the hope,of sex and he’s driving you home to see where you love and hoping you will invite him in and he has sex.

he’s not wanting to show off anything, he just wants to get laid .

I just don't necessarily agree with this.

The first time, I was on my way to a birthday party straight after the date and couldn't be late. He offered to drive me to mine and wait whilst I grabbed her present, and then to the restaurant where I was meeting my friends.

The second time he knew ahead of the date I only had a couple of hours and had to go straight home because I had an online call and then pack for the work trip.

Both scenarios it was clear there was no wiggle room in terms of being invited in.

The first time I declined, and the second time we literally just drove home and he said goodbye.

To be clear, I'm pretty sure I won't reply to him, but I don't necesarily agree with all the viewpoints being ascribed to him.

Weird situation of defending a man I'm ambivalent about!

So you are going to ghost him basically? Why can't you take the highway and drop a short message to break it off?

Ghosting is rude and shouldn't be normalised (unless your security is at sake)

but my friends tell me I should give him a chance

I don't feel comfortable. My friends point out that he probably is so keen for this because he wants to impress me - show me around his house, show me he can cook, introduce me to his puppy (which I have been asking many many questions about)

Several of my friends, who I respect on relationship matters, have suggested I give people more of a chance.

Maybe your friend(s) can take your date up on his offer instead.
I'd be interested to see how keen THEY are to go alone to the house of a pushy man who is persistently asking them round after meeting them only twice.

None of my friends have said I should go to his house @KettrickenSmiled

They have said the fact that's invited me to his house twice isn't necessarily a reason to break things off.