date really keen for me to come round

[rockly]

Don't know if I'm overthinking.

For some context, I'm 31 and chronically single possibly because I'm too picky. I'm on apps, and tend to go on a couple of dates, then just end it there because I don't feel a strong connection or there's a small thing I don't personally like about someone.

So maybe I'm doing the same thing here.

Met a perfectly nice man, as always not completely sure I see him romantically but my friends tell me I should give him a chance. First date we went for drinks. He immediately messaged after and invited me to his for dinner. I didn't feel comfortable with that (for lots of reasons - not least he leaves out of the main city) so suggested a tapas place instead. Again afterwards he suggested dinner at his.

I have been away since we met, and am avoiding messaging him because I feel like I'm going to have to come to decision on whether I want to go to his house.

I don't feel comfortable. My friends point out that he probably is so keen for this because he wants to impress me - show me around his house, show me he can cook, introduce me to his puppy (which I have been asking many many questions about). I'm coeliac and he's asked loads about the kinds of foods I can have But honestly all this is doing is putting me off.

After the first date he really wanted to drive me home and was actually quite pushy - again I think it was just he wanted to show off his car (unfortunately for him I have no idea about cars ha). Second date I let him, as it did seem pretty ridiculous to walk home in the rain when he was right there.

Ah so I don't know. I like to think I'm a good judge of character, and I think he's a nice person. The last time I was dating it was at university, everyone was a friend of a friend, and I didn't think twice about going to someone's house.

To be honest you've called yourself chronically single and experienced at relationships so I'm a little confused

Also he walked you home on your first date. So on date one he knows where you live

I have been in several long term realtionships, and single for the last 2.5 years.

Everyone will risk assess in different ways - personally I do not mind that he sees the apartment complex where I live. It's on a busy road, there are 40 flats within the bulding, and there's a concierge. Other people might not agree.

Feels like you're trying to catch me out for some reason?

Haha I'm not that bothered!

Just saying you've gone from one extreme to the other.

But yeah you let a virtual stranger know your address. Up to you of course but not something I'd do especially with someone you've called pushy and is making you uncomfortable.

But you clearly know best! Not sure why you came for advice. Crack on

Haha I'm not that bothered! Just saying you've gone from one extreme to the other.

How do you mean @dontputitthere ?

But you clearly know best! Not sure why you came for advice. Crack on

Nope, which is why I made a thread and am reading all the replies. But you post just seemed to be telling me off/trying to catch me in a lie, rather than actually give advice.

Fucks sake. What's so hard?

You start off saying you're chronically single and unsure of what to do

Now apparently you've had a shed load of relationships. You're phd level dating

I couldn't care less mate

You came for advice. You got some great advice. But you were quite frankly rude when you didn't like what you heard

That's fine. But you ask for advice you'll get a whole range.

I'm just pointing out we don't know you. We can only go on what you've said. You say you're chronically single. I'm going to take that as gospel. Not oh actually ive been married five times and I invented tinder.

But like i said you know you. So I'm sure you can figure it out.

@dontputitthere

Please give any examples of me being rude on the thread?!

The replies have been really helpful and I've already said many times I've taken them on board, and answered qs in pps.

Your post wasn't offering any advice so I'm not sure why the reply as if it did.

You were rude to @Watchkeys

And actually you just ignored my questions about him going to your place on the second date presumably because I defended watchkeys

I offered advice initially. But after your updates frankly I'm a little confused as you've changed your stance as I've already said

Pffft your attitude now is to ghost anyway which I think says it all

No I wasn't - I pointed out that advice is less likely to be taken when it's given in that kind of tone - telling me I have no self-respect and that it's not rocket science.

Again - please link to what I said to that poster that was rude?

If someone genuinely with no self respect and who is vulnerable/low is posting on the board, how are replies in that kind of style productive?

Other people have offered similar opinions on my date which I've taken on board - I've already said I'm veering towards not seeing him again.

Your post just seems to be wanting to be nasty for the sake of it, rather than genuinely want to help.

You know what I've seen watchkeys help a lot of people. Their advice is usually spot on

Maybe you don't want to hear it. That's fine. But you were a bit shitty frankly

No, you said you were going to not reply. Someone else it was shitty to ghost.

I've given you advice! I actually just said I was confused as you'd changed your tune so drastically. You again picked on it and said I was being mean. Just saying I'm fucking confused.

Whatever. Do what you want. I think he's an arsehole. And he's even more of an arsehole for ignoring your discomfort.

You're saying you're undecided. So he must have some redeeming features in your eyes. Well that's up to you then. Good luck.

And actually you just ignored my questions about him going to your place on the second date presumably because I defended watchkeys

Nope I didn't reply because there 100+ responses on the thread and clearly I haven't responded to every single one @dontputitthere

I have looked it up and will reply now:

So presumably now he knows where you live now? Did he try to come in?

Yes he knows where I live. As I said previously, I was comfortable with him walking me home because I live in an apartment complex - 40 flats, concierge, and on a busy road. Personally, given this context, I am fine with this, although other people might not be.

No, he did not try to come in. He knew ahead of time that I was in a rush to go onto the birthday party (date 1) and had a work call booked in/had to pack to travel (date 2), so there was no possibility of him coming into the building.

@rockly

Your not a child and people are treating you like you were born yesterday.

Ignore them I believe you know yourself and what to do.

You follow your own instincts about this guy.

No, you said you were going to not reply. Someone else it was shitty to ghost

You now seem to be veering onto something else to criticise me on? @dontputitthere

Yes it's nasty to ghost someone, unless you think you're at risk by messaging.

I was wrong to suggest doing that and will reply to him once I have decided rather than avoiding the situation.

I do think it's a bit crap you're pressuring me to message him (specifically referencing it, and that people describe ghosting as shitty) who you describe as... an arsehole. And he's even more of an arsehole for ignoring your discomfort.

Thank you @Quiegal

The posts have been really helpful and appreciate all the replies and follow up qs!

I'm glad I posted as it has changed my mind on how I see him and the situation.

I was worried I was being entitled by not taking the easy option for him when he's already made a lot of effort, but this has made me feel more confident that I'm not just being difficult.

Fucks sake just do what you want to do!

I don't know you so I have to use what info you give me. You say you're going to ghost him.

That tells me a lot. None of it good. None of it suggesting you're this relationship expert you claim to be.

You seem upset I'm using your words to gather an opinion of you?

Yeah you might live in apartment block but that really doesn't stop someone determined. You might think that's safe. For someone who barely knows you I say not.

But whatever. You can continue messaging me if you like. Or just fucking move on and do whatever the hell you want to do with this bloke.

Starting to feel sorry for him tbh. Who'd have thought.

He wants you round at his so he can shag you. Don't go unless that's what you want, too.

@dontputitthere

You say you're going to ghost him. That tells me a lot. None of it good. None of it suggesting you're this relationship expert you claim to be.

I have literally just said it was wrong of me to say I would not reply to him, and that once I decided I will message him.

I've also never claimed to be an expert, but added context to my post that I have been in long term relationships and dated before.

Yeah you might live in apartment block but that really doesn't stop someone determined. You might think that's safe. For someone who barely knows you I say not.

I am considered one of the most cautious people in my family/frienship circle. I just cannot see how him knowing my apartment complex is anything other than very low risk.

He does not know the number flat I live in or the floor. I keep my windows locked, I never let anyone in unplanned (both buzzing into the foyer and into my apartment), the concierge is fierce with checking who people are. Posts goes into locked boxes in the main building so no-one can rifile through and look at names or adresses. The road is busy even late at night, and I'm always aware of avoiding parked cars etc.

If you genuinely think there's a risk I haven't considered, please let me know!

Marvellous. Crack on.

He wants a shag

which is fair enough
and it’s fair enough if you don’t

IF he's a "nice person" he should be perfectly well aware why a single woman needs to be cautious with new dates, and he should NOT keep pushing you to give in/ do as he wants.

I'm sure you know this, but determined groomers deliberately play Prince Charming,, offer their victims treat food, invite them home to play with a puppy etc......

Op what is it you want from this thread? Permission to keep dating him?

the man wants to get laid, that’s why he’s inviting you to his for dinner. He’s not wanting to show off his house, who the fuck does that on a date . For some reason you refuse to accept this . Either go with him or don’t, but all this I’m not sure then defending him is getting odd.

@rockly

I believe you know about safety your not a teenager.

They advice now given to you seems like they bully making you seem a person your not.

Your first post I sensed how careful you are with men. I trust your instincts and you need to be supported when you post.

There's so many people given you great advice please take that away and consider without make you seem a certain way.

Correct me if I am wrong@rockly

Think she posted because her friends had said what they said she probably was questioning herself if she was right to be how she was.

Yes she been right not going back to his and did listen to her friends but obviously she had considered.

The details of her dates she made wise choices based on her own judgement.

She didn't need to be told she lacked self respect and no one knows the OP.

She definitely doesn't come across as some who put herself at risk. She should have to explain herself over and over having words put in her own mouth who the person you think or feel she is.

People come here for advice not to be spoken to like they are a child.

A nice person? Nah, he sounds like a total creep.

Also if he talks you into the lift home, chances are he may then try to talk to into him 'using your bathroom' before he drives home. Or similar con. Then he's in your house.

So the risk isn't so so him knowing where you live, its that he may continue to push boundaries when he gets outside your home.

I'll definitely be wary about this if I end up seeing him again @Pinkbonbon but the walk/lift home has already happened without anything like that.

Date 1 - he walked me home, we had a quick chat outside and then said bye.
Date 2 - he drove me home, we said goodnight and he left.

I would have no issue in firmly telling him I didn't want him to come up if he tried anything like that, but fortunately he hasn't.