date really keen for me to come round

[rockly]

Don't know if I'm overthinking.

For some context, I'm 31 and chronically single possibly because I'm too picky. I'm on apps, and tend to go on a couple of dates, then just end it there because I don't feel a strong connection or there's a small thing I don't personally like about someone.

So maybe I'm doing the same thing here.

Met a perfectly nice man, as always not completely sure I see him romantically but my friends tell me I should give him a chance. First date we went for drinks. He immediately messaged after and invited me to his for dinner. I didn't feel comfortable with that (for lots of reasons - not least he leaves out of the main city) so suggested a tapas place instead. Again afterwards he suggested dinner at his.

I have been away since we met, and am avoiding messaging him because I feel like I'm going to have to come to decision on whether I want to go to his house.

I don't feel comfortable. My friends point out that he probably is so keen for this because he wants to impress me - show me around his house, show me he can cook, introduce me to his puppy (which I have been asking many many questions about). I'm coeliac and he's asked loads about the kinds of foods I can have But honestly all this is doing is putting me off.

After the first date he really wanted to drive me home and was actually quite pushy - again I think it was just he wanted to show off his car (unfortunately for him I have no idea about cars ha). Second date I let him, as it did seem pretty ridiculous to walk home in the rain when he was right there.

Ah so I don't know. I like to think I'm a good judge of character, and I think he's a nice person. The last time I was dating it was at university, everyone was a friend of a friend, and I didn't think twice about going to someone's house.

You've got a couple of things going on:

1. Lack of self respect
2. Catastrophising

People with self respect don't go against what they feel because they thing they're 'too x' or 'too y'. They accept their feelings. If someone makes them feel uncomfortable, for whatever reason, they pull back, without the self judgement. After all, who decides what's wrong or right? Where are the rules? Who is the authority? This is your life. You make the rules. Things are wrong or right for you, and feeling uncomfortable is the full story. It's not 'feeling uncomfortable so perhaps I'm or '. It's just 'I'm not comfortable, and so I'm not going to keep putting myself in that situation.' You seem to think he's a nice guy, but what does that mean? Do you think you're compatible with all nice men? Or do you think it would be better to narrow down your search to 'Nice men I feel comfortable with'?

The catastrophising is a straight comparison; do you think that everyone, even the self confident, outgoing, amazing women are also having to date men they're uncomfortable with? If so, why are there happy relationships? And if not, what's so special about you that you'd be the one to witness a dearth?

Great post, I agree.

You're entitled to your opinion of course, but I disagree.

I'm not sure how my post shows a lack of self respect. I regularly cut things off with men if I'm not comfortable or not feeling a connection.

As I explained, I am worried that due to the fact I always turn down men after a couple of dates, based on small things, rather them giving them a chance, I was potentially losing out on someone who could be good if I got to know them.

I am not convinced my current date is the one for me, based on how he's making me feel.

You seem to think he's a nice guy, but what does that mean?

This seems a little patronising - to me signs of someone being are someone who talks about /behaves respectfully towards everyone. Based on how he talked about his family, his friends, his ex, and interacted with people working at the places we've been to - he seems like a nice person.

Do you think you're compatible with all nice men?

No clearly I don't think I'm comptaible with all "nice men" - if I was then I would currently be in a relationship with one of the many people I've dated!

Or do you think it would be better to narrow down your search to 'Nice men I feel comfortable with'?
Clearly this is what I'm attempting to do! I'll go on an app, filter down to people who seem nice (as best you can), have some convo, decide to go on a date based on this. I think don't feel comfortable with strangers in general, hence why I was moving towards the giving someone a chance rather than cutting things off very soon.

The catastrophising is a straight comparison; do you think that everyone, even the self confident, outgoing, amazing women are also having to date men they're uncomfortable with? If so, why are there happy relationships? And if not, what's so special about you that you'd be the one to witness a dearth?

I have to admit you've lost me a little here - I'm not sure how I'm catastrophising? Yes obviously I have friends in happy relationships - although I don't personally know anyone who's entered one recently. I don't think it's strange or irrational to suggest it's harder to find a single man you're compatible with in your 30s than it was in your 20s.

@rockly

You don't feel comfortable to say to him that you don't want to go to his house until you know him better? If you don't feel you can say it directly you could message him this?

His reaction would tell you a lot about him.

You're putting words in my mouth here - I'm perfectly completely telling him it makes me uncomfortable - in person or via message.

I just hadn't because my default is honestly to stop seeing someone in situations like this.

I agree that his reaction would be very revealing.

I'm sorry you think I'm patronising. If you think you're 'too picky', you're not respecting your own feelings. You are the right amount of 'picky' for you, and that's what you need to respect.

Not rocket science, OP.

but now these replies are making me worried there are no dateable single men left

... is catastophising. Of course there are datable single men left.

Maybe you should be listening to your default then. He's showing big red flags. He doesn't want to show off his house or car, he wants to show off his penis.

How bad were the previous men that you've dated that you stopped seeing if you're still tolerating this man?!

I'm sorry you think I'm patronising

This, along with telling me it's "not rocket science" and that I lack self-respect, seem a little unnecessary for a relationship thread.

As i said I tend to cut things off very quickly. Several of my friends, who I respect on relationship matters, have suggested I give people more of a chance. I think there is something in this kind of advice, although I probably won't apply it the current man I'm seeing due to the points I've already said.

Fundamentally I think online dating isn't great stratedy for me, as it never feels quite right meeting up with a stranger as a basis for a potential relationship, and for me attraction comes as you get to know someone slowly.

If you didn't want opinions, I'm not sure why you're here. My points have all been valid and reasonable.

Good luck.

I mean I've seen the man twice so I think "still tolerating" is a bit much! Our first date was enjoyable, when he invited me to his and I suggested tapas that was fine, he's now suggested dinner at his and I haven't replied yet.

So you're clearly in favour of the swift cut off for him which would be my go-to as well.

Opinions are great, but I think it's fair to point out the tone of your posts is probably something that would make any useful advice less well recieved.

he wants to impress me - show me around his house, show me he can cook, introduce me to his puppy

Sounds uncannily like the ‘stranger danger’ warnings we had as children.

But you yourself describe him as pushy.

And you didn't want him to but he drove you home. So presumably now he knows where you live now? Did he try to come in?

Honestly I don't know why you're wondering what to do

Also @Watchkeys gives excellent advice. I often want to laminate their posts. I don't think it was patronising at all.

I find a lot of these replies quite depressing, though not surprising in age we live. I am a man (it's been a long time since I was single and dating) but if I really liked someone I was quite keen to invite them round for dinner. Not for a shag. But show myself, to share my space, to get to know someone better in a personal space and to cook for them (huge passion and something I love to do for people I care about). If you're not comfortable OP don't go but I think you're friends are perhaps more right than many misandristic posters on here.

I thought that as I typed it.

As I said - this is an explanation my friend gave when I was telling her about the situation and that I was suspicious of his motives. People may agree or disagree.

It's not just about whether or not he wants to have sex

I'm not sure I could be arsed with someone who is clearly oblivious to the fact that trying to get a woman round to their house on a second or third date might make that woman uncomfortable

Like I said, any man worth his salt would understand why a woman wouldn't feel comfortable after one date going to a near strangers house.

It's not misandry to make sure you're safe.

He's pushing you to go to his. He's done it twice. He wants sex and/or he's a clueless idiot. And he didn't learn the first time as he's asked you to his a second time. Why would you waste your time with him?

If you came on here and said that you don't want to see him anymore because he wore brown shoes and you only like black shoes, then you'd be nitpicking and cutting him off too soon. But trying to get you back to his house on the first and second dates? No. Bin him off.

Yeah sure it's misandry, not fairly basic safety concerns 🙄

Yes - this is it for me and I felt like that about the driving me home too.

I genuinely think we'd have a perfectly night evening with him cooking me dinner and then he'd drive me home, but I don't like the fact he's so oblvious to this.

Ooh no OP. Listen to your instincts not your friends on this one.

He seems to be crashing into your boundaries (he’s being pushy/not taking your alternative suggestions or “no” at face value and respecting that).

Only you will know when that becomes too much and think “enough is enough” - you’ll either give in or dump him. If you give in, make sure it’s because YOU trust him enough to let your guard down and not because he’s smashed his way through them.

Definitely trust your gut. If you're not comfortable, don't go to his house.

I've only ever gone to a man's house in a romantic situation when I fully trust him

@rockly

Usefulness of posts is in the eye of the beholder. You asked for advice, I didn't, and am quite happy with 'the tone of my posts'. Unsolicited criticism is generally ill received.

This would ring alarm bells for me and would put me off. X

Yes agreed! I think the fact that he went back to the same suggestion after we'd already had the conversation once for date 2 is pretty boundary crashing.

Honestly I already think it probably is too much - I definitely wouldn't go to his house until I was going to actually have an enjoyable time.