DH just blindsided me - I think it’s over….

[46andstartingover]

46 and been married for 10 years. He’s 63 so there is an age gap but it’s never been an issue. No kids. He’s been married twice before and has kids from previous marriage.

in general we never argue. He is a control freak with ocd levels of cleanliness. I’m the opposite but we’ve always muddled along.

Four years ago we had a major fall out. He was feeling ignored because I knit as a hobby. He didn’t like the fact that if we were watching tv I was knitting. We had a major bust up and a lot of things came out in the wash but we worked on it and we’re ok.

Earlier this year we had another major bust up because if gone away for the weekend with my best mate and came home pissed. He’d said he didn’t mind if I got a bit pissed but he flipped when I got home. A lot of other stuff came out in the wash. Despite nearly splitting up then we were ok after it. I cut down my drinking which had been an issue and tried to do more around the house.

one issue is he’s retired. And I work permanently from home. I don’t see why I should have to do general housework when he’s sitting watching tv all day or generally pottering around.

one thing that has always been a hit mismatched was our sex drives. He’s always been ip
for it more than me, and he’s into more kinky stuff than me. Nothing out there just anal, and nipple
clamps. I’m up for that if im
slightly tipsy but not otherwise. The cutting down the alcohol reduces the amount of kink we did.

A couple of weeks ago I made a joke about getting me drunk if he wanted his wicked way with me. He took that to mean I didn’t want to have sex with him unless I was drunk. Totally got the wrong end of the stick and we sorted it.

tonight, we came to bed and we were ok. He said to me “there’s goes my chance for a blow job” when the adverts finished on what we were watching. I said jokingly “there’s be another one” but in the mean time I ended up in the bathroom changing my San pro again as I’m bleeding like a stick pig and feel shot. I got back into bed and lay down on my side which faces away from him.

I did. Think he was half joking since he knew I was feeling shit. End result he felt rejected. Told me he never wants to touch me again, to cancel our weekend away for our anniversary next month and suggested a divorce because he hates me right now.

im tired being the bad guy and the one always walking on egg shells in case we end ip
rowing over something stupid.

he’s now in the spare room.

I do t want to split up but he keeps saying you only want things on your terms…… well yes because that’s know sex works - both have to be up for it.

The only issue I have is that I have to
Ask if I can knit or have a drink. That’s not normal is it? Having to get permission to knit in my own home.

I’ve realized I’m 46, I have two friends in the world and I’m about to lose one of them. Only child so no family apart from an elderly mother.

How the hell do I start again!

Yes you are and you need to stop. No woman should feel she has to save an abusive relationship or help an abusive man.

Expecting women to stick to their marriage vows when they are being abused is fundamentally wrong.

There are lots of abused women who come on here who don't want to hear ltb. Because they are being abused. It doesn't make you a good person to say what they want to hear instead of the truth.

It's also not okay to expect women (or men for that matter but it's a woman we are specifically discussing here) to stay in an abusive relationship in the hope that their partner will sort out a potential mental health problem. Too many women have been killed and injured and mentally funked up in those scenarios. What about the Ops mental health, why isnt that important.

I take my wedding vows very seriously. In particular 'to love and to cherish'. The OP is not being loved or cherished. She's not the first one to break the vows he is

As for distressed and bloody insulting. The OPs partner is distressing her and bloody insulting to her

And what you’re suggesting is that because those circumstances are rare, it’s not worth investigating ?

Every single one of your comments seeks to minimise and excuse it in some way.

You may not have been addressing OP directly, but you were referencing advice that had been given to her regarding her situation. Were she to follow the advice to LTB, she would not be taking the easy option.

Marriage is not about remaining committed to someone who abuses you perpetually. It says it all that you are concerned with OP's obligation to stay with this man, but not at all with his obligation not to abuse her.

He sounds vile and too old for you.
Get out now.

Because OP is not safe in this relationship. It's utterly irresponsible to advise a woman to stay in a relationship that is sexually, emotionally and possibly financially abusive because maybe he will be one of the very rare instances of someone who can take a few pills and suddenly be Prince Charming.

The lack of understanding of a possible MH condition, and the unwillingness to even consider it, is appalling. The OP has said she loves him and doesn’t want to lose him. I am not minimising or dismissing, or ‘sneering’ at anything the OP is going through. I simply read her post, and tried to address it from a different point of view. Should have known better, and should have known it would trigger a pile on. I’m out.

Do yourself a favour, @46andstartingover — reread everything you’ve written here.
If that isn’t enough to make up your mind, I’m not sure what would be.
You don’t deserve such shit treatment.

But it is her job to ask herself if there could be a mental health related reason for his behaviour, and to ask herself if the roles were reversed would she want his help, or to just be left to get on with it.

Hit post by accident.

But it is her job to ask herself if there could be a mental health related reason for his behaviour, and to ask herself if the roles were reversed would she want his help, or to just be left to get on with it.

How about the butt plug? Is she obliged to do that?

He's 63.
Internet diagnosis or not, he has been abusing everybody he knows for all of his adult life.
ALL of his 4 children don't speak to him, the 2 we have heard anything about seem fucked up (by him), OP's friends hate him, her mother dislikes him -
what on earth makes you think an actual diagnosis of bipolar is going to make this man change the habits of a lifetime?

This man's behaviour is nothing like what you described about you friend's husband. Your acquaintance was nice, apart from bipolar episodes. THIS man is sexually abusive, an emotional terrorist, extremely coercive & downright foul to his wife.

How long do you propose OP sticks around being worn down to a husk by his abuse?

Because Menz Feelz are more important than women's rights?
Because marriage vows of 'in sickness & in health' applies to OP having to endure the burden of his abuse - while he doesn't have to observe a single vow about 'loving & cherishing'?

Whether he has a medical condition or not - OP is not bound to stick around & find out. It's hardly likely he's suddenly going to start being Husband Of The Year on the back of some bipolar meds for his fictional condition, is it?

FFS, it’s far, far more likely he’s just abusive, and even if you’re right, that still doesn’t mean we should encourage OP to stay in a situation where she’s being abused. The lack of understanding you have for people in an abusive relationship is what’s appalling here.

PS do you know his exes? Are you on good terms? If no - does he keep you separate from them? Because you might get ideas?

There’s a difference between supporting your partner and holding their life together. For starters, the latter is impossible. If OP at all feels responsible for holding her H's life together, it’s because he has made her feel that way.

re your comment:
"But it is her job to ask herself if there could be a mental health related reason for his behaviour, and to ask herself if the roles were reversed would she want his help, or to just be left to get on with it".

From OPs own replies there is nothing in those to indicate that her H has MH issues.

Abusive partners with depression might excuse this behavior by telling you that it’s because they have depression. Their mental health makes them dependent on you, so it’s actually normal for you to have to take care of them. This is absolutely untrue.

No matter how bad your partner’s life is, you can’t fix it.

They know it, too. They’re just trying to play on your guilt in order to control you.
If you feel obligated to care for them, it’s easier for them to tell you what to do in the name of “curing” their mental health.

Instead of expecting you to simply fix their problems, a good partner will ask you explicitly what they need in the way of support. They’ll also inquire about and respect what you can’t do. They won’t try to guilt you into catering to their every whim.

An abuser will not let up on the blaming and manipulative behaviour. These types simply do not have any other side to their personality. Whether he is loving or depressed, charming or hateful, he's using these moods - perhaps quite unconsciously - to assert control.

Depression doesn’t lead to abuse, and not all people with depression are abusive. It’s more accurate to say that sometimes, abusive people also have depression. And if people with depression are capable of controlling behaviour, then they are also culpable for it. There is no getting away with the fact that controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour.

There’s a difference between supporting your partner and holding their life together. For starters, the latter is impossible.
If you feel responsible for holding your partner’s life together, it’s because they made you feel that way.

Nobody has "piled on" you. It's essential to challenge comments like yours which are dangerous to abuse victims and are likely to be seen by other people in similar situations who come across this thread in the future.

Precisely.

After being called a slut and made to have nasty degrading sex she doesn't enjoy I don't think it's her job to do anything at all to help this man.

Don’t be bloody ridiculous. I’m not doing any such thing. Does nobody on MN make any effort to read and understand what is being said before taking offence and reading things in that simply are not there ?

Does reading things that are simply not there include flimsy amateur diagnoses of & special pleading for bipolar disorder @Rosscameasdoody?

He probably does have a MH condition. No balanced, mentally healthy person is such a colossal shit.

But so what? He's 63 and hasn't sought any help or tried to work on it before, so he's not likely to start now. He's spent his entire life making it everyone else's problem and taking no responsibility. If I have a mental health problem that causes me to sexually coerce people, deny them their hobbies, abandon my children and name call my wife while demanding blowjobs and butt plugs, why are other people obliged to take it indefinitely while I do nothing to become less of a dick?

One of the refreshing things about Mumsnet is that posters tell an OP that she CAN leave. She doesn't need to stay and try to fix him, which I'd bet any amount isn't possible.
There's a whole world out there. There's no need to put up with his crap.

OP how about writing a list of things you really enjoy doing and pursue those.

Good god I'd rather be single. You couldn't pay me to put up with that

The lack of understanding of actual domestic abuse & the unwillingness to even consider the devastating effect on OP's MH is appalling. The OP has said she loves him because she is trauma bonded to him through a long term & sustained cycle of abuse.
You are absolutely minimising & dismissing her struggle by even suggesting that it's her job to try & pin a MH label on her abusive H & then accept the mantle of his perpetual carer, just in case, as a PP so aptly put it "he pops a few pills & miraculously becomes Prince Charming".
You are addressing it from a different point of view all right - the view of an abuse apologist. PP are not piling on - they are responding to your posts just as you keep responding to theirs, doubling down on your damaging message to OP.

The drinking I get if you're problem drinking, but the way you describe it it's sounds like he doesn't like you drinking at all which is very controlling. The knitting thing is bananas, why can't you knit? Do you need to have a very bright light on or something? I often sit and sew or knit whilst DH and I watch TV, why shouldn't I? It's not spoiling his enjoyment of whatever we are watching.

He sounds like a very controlling, quite lazy old git. You can do better.

Oh, OP.

Just read what you've written back to yourself.
You say you're tired of having to walk on eggshells around him.
That's no way to live. Nobody should be walking on eggshells because they're afraid of provoking a reaction of any kind. You're only 43 - and although there's an age gap between you and your DH, that isn't the reason people are suggesting you should end it.
There are far too many things wrong here for there to be a positive outcome.
Find someone with whom you're compatible. You should never have to be drunk to enjoy a sex act with the person you love. That's just awful.
I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this position, and just before Christmas, too.

@46andstartingover Apologies, as I've succumbed to what could become a big derail by engaging with the PP who wants you to attribute your H's abuse to bipolar & sacrifice even more of your life to the myth that you can fix an abusive man.

You need support & help, & this thread must be a very hard read for you.

I hope you are managing ok today, & will post - when YOU are good & ready (you don't 'owe' anybody updates) to keep receiving that support.

If it would help you to private msg me, away from the glare & noise of this thread, I am a DA survivor & will be happy to chat with you - if you wish.
I'm sure the thread will settle back down to what it should be about soon - helping you find your sense of self, your strength & even your anger, & helping you to move toward a happier life without this angst & constriction in it.

You deserve better. It's not too late to start over. Don't settle for someone like him, he's abusive emotionally, sees you as a sex toy every time he wants.

You should consider the surgery but for yourself, not for any man. It will boost your confidence.