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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH just blindsided me - I think it’s over….

402 replies

46andstartingover · 01/12/2022 01:31

46 and been married for 10 years. He’s 63 so there is an age gap but it’s never been an issue. No kids. He’s been married twice before and has kids from previous marriage.

in general we never argue. He is a control freak with ocd levels of cleanliness. I’m the opposite but we’ve always muddled along.

Four years ago we had a major fall out. He was feeling ignored because I knit as a hobby. He didn’t like the fact that if we were watching tv I was knitting. We had a major bust up and a lot of things came out in the wash but we worked on it and we’re ok.

Earlier this year we had another major bust up because if gone away for the weekend with my best mate and came home pissed. He’d said he didn’t mind if I got a bit pissed but he flipped when I got home. A lot of other stuff came out in the wash. Despite nearly splitting up then we were ok after it. I cut down my drinking which had been an issue and tried to do more around the house.

one issue is he’s retired. And I work permanently from home. I don’t see why I should have to do general housework when he’s sitting watching tv all day or generally pottering around.

one thing that has always been a hit mismatched was our sex drives. He’s always been ip
for it more than me, and he’s into more kinky stuff than me. Nothing out there just anal, and nipple
clamps. I’m up for that if im
slightly tipsy but not otherwise. The cutting down the alcohol reduces the amount of kink we did.

A couple of weeks ago I made a joke about getting me drunk if he wanted his wicked way with me. He took that to mean I didn’t want to have sex with him unless I was drunk. Totally got the wrong end of the stick and we sorted it.

tonight, we came to bed and we were ok. He said to me “there’s goes my chance for a blow job” when the adverts finished on what we were watching. I said jokingly “there’s be another one” but in the mean time I ended up in the bathroom changing my San pro again as I’m bleeding like a stick pig and feel shot. I got back into bed and lay down on my side which faces away from him.

I did. Think he was half joking since he knew I was feeling shit. End result he felt rejected. Told me he never wants to touch me again, to cancel our weekend away for our anniversary next month and suggested a divorce because he hates me right now.

im tired being the bad guy and the one always walking on egg shells in case we end ip
rowing over something stupid.

he’s now in the spare room.

I do t want to split up but he keeps saying you only want things on your terms…… well yes because that’s know sex works - both have to be up for it.

The only issue I have is that I have to
Ask if I can knit or have a drink. That’s not normal is it? Having to get permission to knit in my own home.

I’ve realized I’m 46, I have two friends in the world and I’m about to lose one of them. Only child so no family apart from an elderly mother.

How the hell do I start again!

OP posts:
Womanofcustard · 01/12/2022 12:52

Just wondering OP if he has always been like this?
He sounds very deluded. I would be wondering about mental decline.
time to get out before you become his full time carer!

PurpleButterflyWings · 01/12/2022 12:52

Can't add much to what has already been said @46andstartingover but why the F are you with this pig of a man?

Also, WHY oh WHY do some women on here post a damning account of their man and how dreadful he is, and then when people say LTB, he's awful, you deserve better etc etc etc, they start defending him??? Confused As a pp said, just crack on and stay with him if this is what you want. Personally, I'd rather have a life alone than be with someone like your DH. He sounds utterly repugnant.

Puppers · 01/12/2022 13:10

Also, WHY oh WHY do some women on here post a damning account of their man and how dreadful he is, and then when people say LTB, he's awful, you deserve better etc etc etc, they start defending him???

Well this is the entire reason abusive relationships exist, isn't it? If it were simple then every victim would leave. Unfortunately people have unhealthy attachments and emotional dependencies on their abusers. They "love" their abuser. So it's hard to hear other people run them down.

Lougle · 01/12/2022 13:13

DuchessDandelion · 01/12/2022 12:38

@Lougle to be fair she was reading and posting til 4am and then again before 7.30.

She's probably knackered and also working. I think she's doing a lot of reading and trying to take in the responses.

But it must be horrible to read all this about someone you love and I do hope you're ok @46andstartingover Flowers

Yes, you're right. I'm just shocked at the way people describe pretty awful stuff in a way that seems 'normal'.

ClawedButler · 01/12/2022 13:20

What, exactly, does Pervy Pig bring to your life?

Being your best friend? Pffft. You'd treat a friend like he treats you? A decent human being wouldn't treat a cat like this.

On the same wavelength? Pfft, you'd be amazed how many like-minded souls there are going to Knit & Natter and am dram and evening classes, why can't you have a conversation with someone who doesn't think you're a dirty cow?

Feeling loved and cared for? Pfft. If this is your definition of being loved and cared for, I shudder to think what you imagine abuse to be. I love and care for the soft toys in my house more than you're being loved and cared for by this specimen.

In your shoes, I would want a trial separation. I'd want to see what my life could be like without him in it. Then I wouldn't have to "imagine life without him" - I'd know.

Courage, mon brave - this is tough and there are no quick fixes or easy answers, but recgonising that this is neither normal nor acceptable is the first step.

Justgorgeous · 01/12/2022 13:25

He sounds like a dirty old man.

Hellno44 · 01/12/2022 13:25

You do realise this isn't normal. Your OH is very controlling. You shouldn't have to ask permission to knit or drink. You are not a child. While he asks like a man child who needs all the attention and his ego stroking.

You are 46. LTB. Stay single and do whatever you fucking want.

Rosscameasdoody · 01/12/2022 13:37

Womanofcustard · 01/12/2022 12:52

Just wondering OP if he has always been like this?
He sounds very deluded. I would be wondering about mental decline.
time to get out before you become his full time carer!

I’ve suggested it may be the onset of bipolar - very similar to events that overtook a friend of ours. It’s treatable and our friends are now fine after a very rough time. But it seems MN have no truck with trying to sort things out and move forward - much easier to LTB !!

xJ0y · 01/12/2022 13:41

He sounds very hard work.

You're not allowed to enjoy knitting while you watch TV??? That's baffling. Why would he want to sap the joy out of that. What else would you be doing while watching TV.
Should you be doing house work so he can relax ALL day.

As for the nipple clamps good god I'd tell him to fuck off.
You are only 46 and he's 63. He is not worth it.
Free yourself

AcrossthePond55 · 01/12/2022 13:42

I’ve realized I’m 46, I have two friends in the world and I’m about to lose one of them. Only child so no family apart from an elderly mother.

How the hell do I start again!

@46andstartingover

You just DO!!! You're in the catbird seat. You have a good job so (I assume) renting a flat won't be a problem. No children so that's not a problem, either. And I'd assume you can manage legal fees for a divorce when that times comes. There is nothing holding you back but YOU. And 'best friend' is a load of crap. A best friend doesn't treat someone the way this man treats you. In fact, you know as well as I that you wouldn't tolerate being treated that way by a friend. He makes you laugh? Really? Just how often do you 'laugh' compared to the misery you're living in? If you're afraid of being alone, well, it's better to be alone than to be wishing you were. And it seems to me that you REALLY wish you were. Think about it, if you could suddenly 'magic' him out of your life you'd do it, wouldn't you? With a bit of courage and some time and effort you can be free.

He's alienated you from your friends, you do realize that, right? You had friends, he found reasons to anger them or harassed you about them until it was 'easier' for you to cut them out, right? This is classic abuser behaviour. Alienate and isolate. If I were you I'd reach out to these friends, I'd bet they're just waiting for you to call.

In all these broken relationships with his children and I daresay other family/friends, what is the 'common denominator'? HIM.

Since you're married, if you own a house and/or have significant assets/pension you need to see a solicitor before you do anything. Not that you should stay with that pathetic lump of flesh for financial reasons, but you should educate yourself as to the best way to exit this travesty of a marriage with as little loss to yourself as possible.

Life is out there waiting to be lived. You are still young!!

potniatheron · 01/12/2022 13:43

Snoken · 01/12/2022 07:06

He sounds like an actual pervert. It is also very concerning that multiple kids from multiple relationships decide to not have any contact with him, and even more so that one of them has become a sex worker. Could he have sexually abused them? He is certainly sexually abusing you by using coersive control.

Honestly, it really does sound like you would be so good on your own. You have a lot going for you having money, hobbies, friends and you mental health would get a real boost if you took control back of your life.

He sounds like an actual pervert. It is also very concerning that multiple kids from multiple relationships decide to not have any contact with him, and even more so that one of them has become a sex worker. Could he have sexually abused them? He is certainly sexually abusing you by using coersive control.

This, 100%. This man is not right.

Killingmytime · 01/12/2022 13:44

Why are you with him?
you don’t deserve this.Sad

Rosscameasdoody · 01/12/2022 13:46

PurpleButterflyWings · 01/12/2022 12:52

Can't add much to what has already been said @46andstartingover but why the F are you with this pig of a man?

Also, WHY oh WHY do some women on here post a damning account of their man and how dreadful he is, and then when people say LTB, he's awful, you deserve better etc etc etc, they start defending him??? Confused As a pp said, just crack on and stay with him if this is what you want. Personally, I'd rather have a life alone than be with someone like your DH. He sounds utterly repugnant.

Because when she posted perhaps she didn’t expect quite so many people to describe the man who, despite everything, she obviously still loves, in such disgusting and insulting terms, or to tell her to LTB when she clearly says in her post that’s not what she wants to do, but still it persists. Upthread somewhere I suggested from personal experience of very similar behaviour, that it may be indicative of a MH problem like bipolar. My suggestion of seeking help, because proper medication can make things a lot better, was laughed off the site. Whatever happened to ‘in sickness and in health’. Perhaps it should be replaced in the marriage vows as ‘LTB the minute anything goes wrong’. Some disgusting posts on here - unhelpful to the OP who is clearly distressed, and bloody insulting to the man she loves.

Puppers · 01/12/2022 13:49

Rosscameasdoody · 01/12/2022 13:37

I’ve suggested it may be the onset of bipolar - very similar to events that overtook a friend of ours. It’s treatable and our friends are now fine after a very rough time. But it seems MN have no truck with trying to sort things out and move forward - much easier to LTB !!

Show quote history

What you're referencing is an extremely rare set of circumstances. And sneering at the idea of an abuse victim - which is what OP is, regardless of any MH issues on her partner's side - taking the "easy" way out by leaving is disgraceful. Your comments are very dangerous.

KettrickenSmiled · 01/12/2022 13:50

bloody insulting to the man she loves.

Not sure why you're defending the man who insults his wife with disgusting epithets, sexually & emotionally abuses her, controls her leisure hours, makes her ask permission to go out for a drink with her friends, or even to knit ...

In the unlikely event that he 1) has bipolar 2) agrees to medical help 3) that medical help miraculously stops him being an abuser - he's STILL the man who treated OP like shit.
It's not her job to fix him.
It's not her job to keep being abused by him.
It's not her job to stay with him "because Reasons".

Rosscameasdoody · 01/12/2022 13:54

Puppers · 01/12/2022 13:49

What you're referencing is an extremely rare set of circumstances. And sneering at the idea of an abuse victim - which is what OP is, regardless of any MH issues on her partner's side - taking the "easy" way out by leaving is disgraceful. Your comments are very dangerous.

Show quote history

Where was I sneering at anything ? In my original post I clarified I’m not making excuses or suggesting she should put up with this kind of behaviour. Just offering a possible solution given that almost all the replies completely ignore the fact that the OP has said she doesn’t want to leave him. And bipolar is not ‘rare’. I have experience of it with my friends’ husband and know a few people who have been diagnosed at various stages of the condition. I’m not suggesting that it’s an ‘easy way out’ - perhaps that’s the wrong way to describe it, but if there’s a solution, why not try to save the relationship ? They made a commitment to each other and I’m 100% sure that if a man was posting about this behaviour from his wife, the advice wouldn’t be LTB.

Puppers · 01/12/2022 13:55

Rosscameasdoody · 01/12/2022 13:46

Because when she posted perhaps she didn’t expect quite so many people to describe the man who, despite everything, she obviously still loves, in such disgusting and insulting terms, or to tell her to LTB when she clearly says in her post that’s not what she wants to do, but still it persists. Upthread somewhere I suggested from personal experience of very similar behaviour, that it may be indicative of a MH problem like bipolar. My suggestion of seeking help, because proper medication can make things a lot better, was laughed off the site. Whatever happened to ‘in sickness and in health’. Perhaps it should be replaced in the marriage vows as ‘LTB the minute anything goes wrong’. Some disgusting posts on here - unhelpful to the OP who is clearly distressed, and bloody insulting to the man she loves.

Show quote history

Why are you minimising the abuse that OP is facing? "The minute anything goes wrong"? This man has been abusing OP for years.

I have raised issues with the way people are speaking about OP's partner because I think it's having the effect of alienating her on this thread, but that's not what you're doing. Your agenda seems to be to minimise, normalise and excuse his abuse.

Rosscameasdoody · 01/12/2022 13:59

Puppers · 01/12/2022 13:55

Why are you minimising the abuse that OP is facing? "The minute anything goes wrong"? This man has been abusing OP for years.

I have raised issues with the way people are speaking about OP's partner because I think it's having the effect of alienating her on this thread, but that's not what you're doing. Your agenda seems to be to minimise, normalise and excuse his abuse.

Show quote history

Show me where I am minimising, normalising or excusing his behaviour. And my reference to ‘the minute anything goes wrong’ wasn’t directed at the OP, as you will know if you read the post properly. It was directed at the people telling her to LTB as a first option - which is the norm on MN. I was making the point that marriage is a commitment. The OP seems to want to find a solution and I was offering one based on experience of a very similar situation. I don’t think the OP has been back to the thread - that tells you everything you need to know.

Puppers · 01/12/2022 14:02

Rosscameasdoody · 01/12/2022 13:54

Where was I sneering at anything ? In my original post I clarified I’m not making excuses or suggesting she should put up with this kind of behaviour. Just offering a possible solution given that almost all the replies completely ignore the fact that the OP has said she doesn’t want to leave him. And bipolar is not ‘rare’. I have experience of it with my friends’ husband and know a few people who have been diagnosed at various stages of the condition. I’m not suggesting that it’s an ‘easy way out’ - perhaps that’s the wrong way to describe it, but if there’s a solution, why not try to save the relationship ? They made a commitment to each other and I’m 100% sure that if a man was posting about this behaviour from his wife, the advice wouldn’t be LTB.

Show quote history

"much easier to LTB" is sneering.

I didn't say that bipolar is rare. I said the circumstances you are describing (a previous wonderful partner suddenly becoming abusive, then being diagnosed with BPD, then taking medication which made him no longer abusive and everything back to normal) are very rare. Conversely, abusive relationships with no BPD are ten a penny.

As for the desperate "if the sexes were switched argument" that people love to trot out, I can't say I've seen a lot of threads from men whose female partners coerced them into performing oral sex during halftime and accepting anal penetration that they they had to get drunk to be OK with. Had I seen such a thread, my advice would absolutely have been to leave what is clearly an abusive relationship.

Naunet · 01/12/2022 14:03

Rosscameasdoody · 01/12/2022 13:37

I’ve suggested it may be the onset of bipolar - very similar to events that overtook a friend of ours. It’s treatable and our friends are now fine after a very rough time. But it seems MN have no truck with trying to sort things out and move forward - much easier to LTB !!

Show quote history

Stop suggesting women have a duty to stay with an abuser and ‘help’ him.

JFDIYOLO · 01/12/2022 14:04

I am mystified.

The glaring contradictions:

'I never had a massive social
circle but it has shrunk. My other friend hates him ...

he is very good at cutting people off if he thinks they’ve slighted him. He doesn’t forgive and then they are dead to him...

He tells me all the time. I’m the size of a house, wants me to get gastric surgery, calls me fat - but then in the next breath wants me to wear slut clothing and nighties and walk around with a bit plug or conversing egg inside me because it’s a turn on for him.

I don’t think more than one or two days go by without him threatening to leave because apparently im a dirty bitch or because “im slipping into my old ways” when I dare to knit or play wordless whilst watching tv without asking permission.

... but I do love him. I know why he is like he is and I can’t imagine life without him. He makes me feel loved and cared for and makes me laugh.'

This is a textbook coercive controlling relationship.

You have to ask permission to knit or do puzzles in your own home.

He throws vile insults at you and insists on distasteful demeaning practices.

He's driven away all your massive circle of friends, isolated and confused you.

It's got to the point that you can't imagine life without him, or starting again - because that is how he has brainwashed you into thinking you're nothing without him.

With that age difference you'll almost certainly outlive him - if you can regain control of your health and wellbeing. That starts with changing the way you think about yourself, about your relationship and about him.

Rosscameasdoody · 01/12/2022 14:04

KettrickenSmiled · 01/12/2022 13:50

bloody insulting to the man she loves.

Not sure why you're defending the man who insults his wife with disgusting epithets, sexually & emotionally abuses her, controls her leisure hours, makes her ask permission to go out for a drink with her friends, or even to knit ...

In the unlikely event that he 1) has bipolar 2) agrees to medical help 3) that medical help miraculously stops him being an abuser - he's STILL the man who treated OP like shit.
It's not her job to fix him.
It's not her job to keep being abused by him.
It's not her job to stay with him "because Reasons".

Not defending anything, his behaviour is appalling. But the name calling of this man is indefensible in light of the fact that the OP obviously doesn’t want to leave him and still loves him. It isn’t her job to fix him, it isn’t her job to keep being abused by him, But it is her job to ask herself if there could be a mental health related reason for his behaviour, and to ask herself if the roles were reversed would she want his help, or to just be left to get on with it. If there is a MH reason for his behaviour, and it can be addressed, she has the option to stay with him if things improve - which is what she says she wants.

Rosscameasdoody · 01/12/2022 14:06

Naunet · 01/12/2022 14:03

Stop suggesting women have a duty to stay with an abuser and ‘help’ him.

Show quote history

Don’t be bloody ridiculous. I’m not doing any such thing. Does nobody on MN make any effort to read and understand what is being said before taking offence and reading things in that simply are not there ?

Legallypinkish · 01/12/2022 14:08

I’m sorry you may love him but the bad bits definitely outweigh any good bits. I couldn’t live like that.

Naunet · 01/12/2022 14:09

Rosscameasdoody · 01/12/2022 14:04

Not defending anything, his behaviour is appalling. But the name calling of this man is indefensible in light of the fact that the OP obviously doesn’t want to leave him and still loves him. It isn’t her job to fix him, it isn’t her job to keep being abused by him, But it is her job to ask herself if there could be a mental health related reason for his behaviour, and to ask herself if the roles were reversed would she want his help, or to just be left to get on with it. If there is a MH reason for his behaviour, and it can be addressed, she has the option to stay with him if things improve - which is what she says she wants.

Show quote history

Oh, you mean like he’s helped his daughters? Yeah I’m sure he’d really be there for OP…🙄