DH just blindsided me - I think it’s over….

[46andstartingover]

46 and been married for 10 years. He’s 63 so there is an age gap but it’s never been an issue. No kids. He’s been married twice before and has kids from previous marriage.

in general we never argue. He is a control freak with ocd levels of cleanliness. I’m the opposite but we’ve always muddled along.

Four years ago we had a major fall out. He was feeling ignored because I knit as a hobby. He didn’t like the fact that if we were watching tv I was knitting. We had a major bust up and a lot of things came out in the wash but we worked on it and we’re ok.

Earlier this year we had another major bust up because if gone away for the weekend with my best mate and came home pissed. He’d said he didn’t mind if I got a bit pissed but he flipped when I got home. A lot of other stuff came out in the wash. Despite nearly splitting up then we were ok after it. I cut down my drinking which had been an issue and tried to do more around the house.

one issue is he’s retired. And I work permanently from home. I don’t see why I should have to do general housework when he’s sitting watching tv all day or generally pottering around.

one thing that has always been a hit mismatched was our sex drives. He’s always been ip
for it more than me, and he’s into more kinky stuff than me. Nothing out there just anal, and nipple
clamps. I’m up for that if im
slightly tipsy but not otherwise. The cutting down the alcohol reduces the amount of kink we did.

A couple of weeks ago I made a joke about getting me drunk if he wanted his wicked way with me. He took that to mean I didn’t want to have sex with him unless I was drunk. Totally got the wrong end of the stick and we sorted it.

tonight, we came to bed and we were ok. He said to me “there’s goes my chance for a blow job” when the adverts finished on what we were watching. I said jokingly “there’s be another one” but in the mean time I ended up in the bathroom changing my San pro again as I’m bleeding like a stick pig and feel shot. I got back into bed and lay down on my side which faces away from him.

I did. Think he was half joking since he knew I was feeling shit. End result he felt rejected. Told me he never wants to touch me again, to cancel our weekend away for our anniversary next month and suggested a divorce because he hates me right now.

im tired being the bad guy and the one always walking on egg shells in case we end ip
rowing over something stupid.

he’s now in the spare room.

I do t want to split up but he keeps saying you only want things on your terms…… well yes because that’s know sex works - both have to be up for it.

The only issue I have is that I have to
Ask if I can knit or have a drink. That’s not normal is it? Having to get permission to knit in my own home.

I’ve realized I’m 46, I have two friends in the world and I’m about to lose one of them. Only child so no family apart from an elderly mother.

How the hell do I start again!

😆❤️

🤣

That's what I was thinking

OP I was with someone who was my best friend and honestly, he had me laughing so much I’d be standing in the street with my legs crossed (very weak pelvic floor!). No one had ever made me laugh like that and I doubt whether anyone will be on my wavelength like that again. So I miss that.

But….he was still an abusive, selfish twat. Still had a history of serious domestic abuse. I was with him for seven years and only lived with him for the last three months before throwing him out. He’d have been a great friend but as a partner he was controlling and selfish. I spent a while studying his personality disorder (which has actually served me well) and then thought ‘Why the fuck am I reading a book about how to pander to this selfish, irritable man?’.

Why do you want to be with an obese man in his sixties anyway….he sounds repulsive….why on Earth would he think you’d want to have sex with him? He seems delusional. I can’t abide all this ‘kink’ business.

You crack on mate, me, I would rather live in a holey tent on the frozen plains of outer mongolia.

Maybe there could be some sort of commune set up for women who've put up with all that crap, have seen the light and run away as far as possible.

Wouldn't be too hard to get a non leaky yurt.

He's your "best friend" when he's getting his own way....

Other than that he treats you with contempt!

Calling you a fat dirty bi*ch is unforgiveable!

I'd call him a filthy old pervert!

Could always stuff the holes up with the butt plugs.

Sorry OP this doesn't make any sense.... How can he make you feel 'loved and cared for' when you say, too, he makes you feel like crap??

Being called a dirty bitch and being controlled this much in my free time and sexually would be abusive to me...

😀

OP you’re 46, no kids and have a FT job.

You are not done young girl who doesn’t know her own mind and is co-dependant.
Or a women with young kids who hasn’t worked in years.

You should not be living like this.

Why are you living like this?

Would if not be better being single where you can drink (in moderation), knit, go out with friends, not worry if the house isn’t spotless etc?

I would move on from him, and do it now since your financially secure without him.

Who can be arsed to live a life where you have to ask to knit or go have a drink with your friends once in a while. You’ll probably find after some time that you’ll start more hobbies/ go out more without him and build up more of a social circle that way.

Life is far too short to be stuck with a controlling man.

Well he sounds like a revolting, controlling, abusing pig of a man who has driven away everyone he has ever known. But now he has you and he has done such a number on you that you think he is wonderful and you clearly have no intention of throwing his fat arse out in the street. Best of luck to you.

Objectively, housework should be evenly split as much as possible. We give husbands a hard time on here for not pitching in with stay at home mums. And it is rude for people to be glued to their phones when socialising.

However, like many things in bad relationships there's reasonable and then there's taking it to extremes...having to hoover the kitchen after every meal prep to avoid a row is wrong.

The lack of empathy of his mum is eye opening. This seems to be a man incapable of empathy and only ever concerned with his own selfish desires.

The knitting/blow job incident is revolting. Not only his expectations and reaction but the fact that it illustrates what a chore you see sex with him as, that you do these things merely to keep him peaceable rather than for mutual pleasure which is what it should be about.

It's like reading about a 1930s marriage with added kink.

One more piece of advice, OP.

When I was with my controlling twat of an ex-boyfriend, he’d tell me it was normal he had to yell at me, it was normal to have a relationship like this and I was the problem, I was the terrible person here, how dare I not work on my problems.

And my genius friend, thank goodness, said: yeah, but even if it’s all true, you can still go. Be the terrible person, then! Sack off your problems and walk away, be everything he says you are, fuck it! Abandon the allegedly normal relationship and be the failure he alleges you are!

So I did.

Basically, you don’t have to stay to “win” or to get him to see you as equal and have a healthy split, or to get him to be a better person (or discover he’s secretly bipolar: literally who cares if he is? Not your circus, not your monkeys). Go, be free, knit.

This is so sad because it's so true. So many people come on here and everyone screams you have a choice, it doesn't have to be this way. And you just know nothing is going to change because the problem is with self esteem and self belief

Oh my god you’re well out of it.

Think about the future. Please get rid of this awful person before you end up stuck as his carer in old age!

Wow, this is also so true. Women are so scared of being the "bad guy" that they stay too long. And it's true, it's focusing on the wrong thing.

Oh and theoretical bipolar disorder is no excuse or reason to stay with this abusive and twisted man.

Even people with mental health conditions have to accept there are consequences to their behaviour when ill. Hundreds of replies here joining in to say what a revolting, vile and irredeemable man this is and I hope to god OP leaves and finds happiness and freedom without him in her life.

i have put on a lot of weight (he’s obese as well) and he tells me all the time. I’m the size of a house, wants me to get gastric surgery, calls me fat - but then in the next breath wants me to wear slut clothing and nighties and walk around with a bit plug or conversing egg inside me because it’s a turn on for him.

Good lord OP. I am speechless. He vilely insults you, then treats you like a sex toy. Absolutely disgusting. This guy is sick in the head. Please please please - run for the hills.

I accept that I'm quite vanilla, @46andstartingover and people use a lot of hyperbole on MN, but I genuinely felt a bit sick reading your posts. You are being abused and you can't even see it. You need someone to help you see how much you are worth and that this life isn't how you should be living.

I don't actually think it's very helpful for everyone to be piling on OP's partner. I've done it myself further up the thread but now she's gone AWOL it's clear that it hasn't been productive. Unfortunately OP genuinely does feel like this man is her best friend, so the more we all call him names and give blunt assessments of his character, the less she feels she can relate to the advice we're offering.

It's very hard to help people in situations like yours, OP, because the nature of it is that your perspective of the relationship is entirely skewed and your self esteem so damaged that you don't recognise what's happening to you. You're a boiled frog. And even if you did - which is possible because you seem to understand on some level that this behaviour is not OK, since you've taken the time to come and write about it here - then your self esteem is so low that you don't believe you deserve or could have a better life. This isn't because you're stupid or weak or pathetic or lacking in any way. It's very textbook and there is a way out of it.

Your comments are screaming "trauma bond" to me. A trauma bond is typically cyclical in nature, so you'll go through periods or instances of abuse (like the name calling, sexual coercion and other emotional abuse that you describe) but in-between these periods your partner will be kind and affectionate. This type of "intermittent reward" has a powerful effect on the human brain. The reward is unpredictable in nature and not reliably attainable. It's why people get hooked on gambling. It also makes you think "Oh he can still be the same funny/lovely/caring person he was when we first met" and gives you hope that he can change permanently. That the nice version that occasionally pops up is the real him, when in fact that's just the mask. The real him is the one who abuses you. My mother is currently in her 5th decade of hoping that my father is capable of being the man he pretended to be for the first year of their relationship.

To give you an analogy: I used to be a fairly heavy smoker in the distant past. I bloody loved smoking. I knew I should quit because it's so terrible for your health and it is expensive, but I just didn't think life would be as good without the cigarettes. I thought that I'd be healthier, richer, but always pining after them. In actual fact, once I'd properly kicked the habit, I just didn't think about it anymore. I didn't miss it whatsoever. I could see the habit for what it was once I was no longer gripped by it. I believe you will feel the same way about this relationship. Once you are free of the control and the abuse and have sought some therapy to unravel your issues with self esteem, you'll view it through a completely new lens. You won't miss this man at all and you will see with perfect clarity that he was never your best friend.

@Lougle to be fair she was reading and posting til 4am and then again before 7.30.

She's probably knackered and also working. I think she's doing a lot of reading and trying to take in the responses.

But it must be horrible to read all this about someone you love and I do hope you're ok @46andstartingover

This...

@thebabessavedme · Today 11:20

So OP, I'm going to put your life in a nutshell, you are going to stay with a fat old perv who wont let you knit, who no body likes, not even his own children, calls you a fat ugly dirty whore but then likes you to wander about in your underwear while having a sex toy stuffed up your arse while also earning a very good wage for him to live on and then demands a rugby halftime blowjob?
You crack on mate, me, I would rather live in a holey tent on the frozen plains of outer mongolia.
ffs, woman!

😂