DH just blindsided me - I think it’s over….

[46andstartingover]

46 and been married for 10 years. He’s 63 so there is an age gap but it’s never been an issue. No kids. He’s been married twice before and has kids from previous marriage.

in general we never argue. He is a control freak with ocd levels of cleanliness. I’m the opposite but we’ve always muddled along.

Four years ago we had a major fall out. He was feeling ignored because I knit as a hobby. He didn’t like the fact that if we were watching tv I was knitting. We had a major bust up and a lot of things came out in the wash but we worked on it and we’re ok.

Earlier this year we had another major bust up because if gone away for the weekend with my best mate and came home pissed. He’d said he didn’t mind if I got a bit pissed but he flipped when I got home. A lot of other stuff came out in the wash. Despite nearly splitting up then we were ok after it. I cut down my drinking which had been an issue and tried to do more around the house.

one issue is he’s retired. And I work permanently from home. I don’t see why I should have to do general housework when he’s sitting watching tv all day or generally pottering around.

one thing that has always been a hit mismatched was our sex drives. He’s always been ip
for it more than me, and he’s into more kinky stuff than me. Nothing out there just anal, and nipple
clamps. I’m up for that if im
slightly tipsy but not otherwise. The cutting down the alcohol reduces the amount of kink we did.

A couple of weeks ago I made a joke about getting me drunk if he wanted his wicked way with me. He took that to mean I didn’t want to have sex with him unless I was drunk. Totally got the wrong end of the stick and we sorted it.

tonight, we came to bed and we were ok. He said to me “there’s goes my chance for a blow job” when the adverts finished on what we were watching. I said jokingly “there’s be another one” but in the mean time I ended up in the bathroom changing my San pro again as I’m bleeding like a stick pig and feel shot. I got back into bed and lay down on my side which faces away from him.

I did. Think he was half joking since he knew I was feeling shit. End result he felt rejected. Told me he never wants to touch me again, to cancel our weekend away for our anniversary next month and suggested a divorce because he hates me right now.

im tired being the bad guy and the one always walking on egg shells in case we end ip
rowing over something stupid.

he’s now in the spare room.

I do t want to split up but he keeps saying you only want things on your terms…… well yes because that’s know sex works - both have to be up for it.

The only issue I have is that I have to
Ask if I can knit or have a drink. That’s not normal is it? Having to get permission to knit in my own home.

I’ve realized I’m 46, I have two friends in the world and I’m about to lose one of them. Only child so no family apart from an elderly mother.

How the hell do I start again!

He sounds like a cranky old perverted twat. Ugh move on OP, you’re too young in your life for settling another 30 years of this

Good grief. All that awfulness and you keep saying "we're OK" and you don't want to split up? He's a horrible, horrible man and he's really done a number on your self esteem.

Your simple, but not easy question is I believe about starting over at your age.
Simple answer from me is YES.
PM me if you would like to Chat more.

??????
Why would you suggest OP remains friends with her abuser?
& come round to what, exactly?

He is going to get nasty when she finally tries to get away from him. OP you need real life support, is there nobody at all you can confide in? Even a chat with a solicitor might be helpful

Why don’t you want to split up?!?!

Your husband is abusive and unpleasant to you. Highly recommend you read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? To get a sense of perspective on what’s happening.

Wouldn’t you be happier of an evening knitting and watching tv by yourself, without worrying someone is going to go off at you?

Sorry, that was nonsense, I edited it because I had some outing stuff in it.
You can start over and I had to my man died. There were issues though. Like you I was not broke, money of my own and a career that I was winding down. I am older than you.
PM me to chat.

Leave him.

He's vile. He's controlling. He has no respect for you.

Please leave him and enjoy the rest of your life.

At least go and see a solicitor.

You have nothing to to lose and everything to gain.

This man is a piece of shit.

You have to be drunk to have kinky sex with him…. That says an awful lot.
He is gross and controlling.
If you want to knit you knit.

I would see a solicitor to see where you stand.
Then tell him that you are fed up with his nasty behaviour and it’s divorce or he ends his ways. And separate bedrooms until he can be nice.

Never mind wine, if I had to anally service a 63 year old pervert I’d be hitting the crack pipe.

You deserve so much better, my goodness.

I'm the one who he kicked off at in 2018 because when he said he wanted a BJ at half time in the rugby, I said "can I just finish this row". Was on my period that time as well

This is repulsive. I actually physically recoiled reading that.

He treats you like a sex doll. Or, ironically, like a sex worker, despite the fact that his DD actually being one renders him unable to have a relationship with her. I'm sure those things are definitely not connected in some utterly awful and fucked up way...

Do you really want to live like this for another 20 years OP? I've ended my marriage this year, aged 48. You're not too old to start over, and I can promise you that the peace you get from not having to second-guess someone else's mood is so good for your own wellbeing. I don't have any friends left after my 20 year marriage, but my work colleagues have all said how much calmer and happier I seem. And I'm not in as strong a financial position as you - the only thing holding you back is your fear of the unknown.

Did you really just advise a woman to stay friends with the man abusing her? 😯

I echo what everyone is saying above - your life will be so, so much better without him, although the thought of that right now possibly makes you feel scared/stressed/sick (if this is the case, please do access therapy).

I was in a very similar situation. I left - which was really hard, but after a while I learnt to live on my own (which I'd never done before) and really grew to enjoy it (I had DDog for company).

I joined many social groups (lots online, due to covid), met new people and structured my life and home how I wanted it. I learnt to have a lot more respect for myself and rebuilt my self-esteem which had been worn away to nothing. I now look back at what life was like with him and shudder - there is no way I would put up with that treatment now.

I did the freedom programme, read the Lundy Bancroft books, watched lots of youtube videos about relationships and abuse, journaled about what I wanted life to be, and went to lots of different types of therapy. I joined the gym and spent money and time on my appearance and hobbies.

I took time out for myself and when I was ready, I started dating again. Now three years later I have a new partner who is truly wonderful, totally respects me and supports the life I want to have. I am experiencing real love which is peaceful, secure and beautifully sensual. I haven't stopped doing any of the things that I enjoyed when I was single.

It is really valuable to have a decent length of time alone to yourself, to know that you can function perfectly happily without a partner - and once you have that experience under your belt you will never settle for a sub-par relationship again, I promise you.

Sending so much love, and the strength you need to end this.

Nothing out there just anal, and nipple clamps. I’m up for that if im slightly tipsy but not otherwise

This jumped out at me the most. You shouldn't be doing anything that you have to be drunk to get through.

Major fallout because you knit as a hobby? Sorry OP but is this a spoof post or are you serious? 🙈
Not to mention the rape bit. Shocking!!

Bloody hell, I hope he is serious about it being over for your sake! What you feel for him sounds more like Stockholm syndrome than love.

Your friend don't like him, he spent get on with his daughters...have you ever stopped to consider why they might be so troubled, by the way?!

There could be a reason why behaves the way he does, but look at the damage he is causing other.

You have to get out.

Fucking Hell OP - did you want to give him a BJ in Rugby half time ? Or doesn't that matter? I can't think of anything LESS sexy than 'I've got 15 minutes, get on it'.

A PP has it quite right - YOU hold all the cards. You're younger, richer, nicer - you've got it all. He's got nothing, and I think if you pointed this out to him, he'd back track pretty damn fast.
Then of course you'd see 'lovely' him - for a while. But he wouldn't be able to keep that up.

Ditch him now. You can stay friends, if you think there is anything there that you find attractive in a friend. I wouldn't.

Please don't take this the wrong way but your statement "one of them is a manipulative bitch (witnessed that myself)" is very interesting. You say that about an estranged daughter but do not seem to recognise that in your husband.

Did you not think that a man who has no contact with his four children was going to be Mr Wonderful? If he treats his own flesh and blood like this how did you think he would treat you? Did you encourage him to fight to see his children?

I could so easily be one of the ex wives in your scenario and my attitude toward you would be that you've made your bed and you can deal with this utter loser for the rest of his days. Myself and my children would want nothing to do with either of you.

Not worth me going into the knitting or sex stuff as that, of course, is manipulation.

If you have any self respect left then book an appointment with a solictor asap.

So OP, I'm going to put your life in a nutshell, you are going to stay with a fat old perv who wont let you knit, who no body likes, not even his own children, calls you a fat ugly dirty whore but then likes you to wander about in your underwear while having a sex toy stuffed up your arse while also earning a very good wage for him to live on and then demands a rugby halftime blowjob?

You crack on mate, me, I would rather live in a holey tent on the frozen plains of outer mongolia.

ffs, woman!

Was going to write e a longer msg but tbh this sums it up nicely!

I honestly can't think why you don't want to split Op.

Are you afraid to be without a man?

The warning signs were there-2 failed marriages, 4 kids who he doesn't see-why did you ignore them?

Troll hunting gets deletions. You're supposed to report it if you think it's fake.

No judgement, I've had deletions for the same thing. I understand why the rule is in place. I just can't resist it sometimes when it's particularly badly done...or even congratulate them if they've pulled a zinger.

I believe this one, though. She sounds exactly like all the other women who are married to their best friends who make them laugh and are great dads, but never do anything with the kids and pester for sex and insult them and stop them doing hobbies and call them names and...

🤣 Will you be my friend? You're totally on my page.

You are rather fabulous.