DH just blindsided me - I think it’s over….

[46andstartingover]

46 and been married for 10 years. He’s 63 so there is an age gap but it’s never been an issue. No kids. He’s been married twice before and has kids from previous marriage.

in general we never argue. He is a control freak with ocd levels of cleanliness. I’m the opposite but we’ve always muddled along.

Four years ago we had a major fall out. He was feeling ignored because I knit as a hobby. He didn’t like the fact that if we were watching tv I was knitting. We had a major bust up and a lot of things came out in the wash but we worked on it and we’re ok.

Earlier this year we had another major bust up because if gone away for the weekend with my best mate and came home pissed. He’d said he didn’t mind if I got a bit pissed but he flipped when I got home. A lot of other stuff came out in the wash. Despite nearly splitting up then we were ok after it. I cut down my drinking which had been an issue and tried to do more around the house.

one issue is he’s retired. And I work permanently from home. I don’t see why I should have to do general housework when he’s sitting watching tv all day or generally pottering around.

one thing that has always been a hit mismatched was our sex drives. He’s always been ip
for it more than me, and he’s into more kinky stuff than me. Nothing out there just anal, and nipple
clamps. I’m up for that if im
slightly tipsy but not otherwise. The cutting down the alcohol reduces the amount of kink we did.

A couple of weeks ago I made a joke about getting me drunk if he wanted his wicked way with me. He took that to mean I didn’t want to have sex with him unless I was drunk. Totally got the wrong end of the stick and we sorted it.

tonight, we came to bed and we were ok. He said to me “there’s goes my chance for a blow job” when the adverts finished on what we were watching. I said jokingly “there’s be another one” but in the mean time I ended up in the bathroom changing my San pro again as I’m bleeding like a stick pig and feel shot. I got back into bed and lay down on my side which faces away from him.

I did. Think he was half joking since he knew I was feeling shit. End result he felt rejected. Told me he never wants to touch me again, to cancel our weekend away for our anniversary next month and suggested a divorce because he hates me right now.

im tired being the bad guy and the one always walking on egg shells in case we end ip
rowing over something stupid.

he’s now in the spare room.

I do t want to split up but he keeps saying you only want things on your terms…… well yes because that’s know sex works - both have to be up for it.

The only issue I have is that I have to
Ask if I can knit or have a drink. That’s not normal is it? Having to get permission to knit in my own home.

I’ve realized I’m 46, I have two friends in the world and I’m about to lose one of them. Only child so no family apart from an elderly mother.

How the hell do I start again!

Sorry that was long

What are his redeeming qualities?

46...you're too young for this sh*t!

By which I mean what you're putting up with. Plenty of time to start again. Join a knitting circle. Check out meetup.com. maybe think about the WI (I hear there are some hip groups now).

No one needs to be with someone that sexually selfish. Or that selfish full stop. Come on love, you deserve better than the way he treats you.

Having to ask to knit in your home is not okay.

Neither is your sex life as it should be.

It doesn't sound good at the moment.

Im not sure I could stay with any man who is so interested in his own pleasure that he doesn't care if I am in pain whilst providing it. That shows a level of contempt for you that's unacceptable, never mind the issues of control and the bullshit about expecting you to do more than your fair share of the housework.

Good lord, how’ve you put up with him this long
he’s not dumping you, it’s just a ploy for control
but you should definitely take the out

what a whining little baby, controlling you, angry at you, just being pathetic no wonder you don’t wanna have sex.

have you ever asked for oral when he was feeling unwell? Have you ever asked for oral when he was feeling unwell then told him he was selfish and you hated him when he didn’t want to do it? somehow I doubt it

From that snapshot he sounds manipulative and insecure. You can knit and watch TV at the same time. Why do you have to be laser focussed on it just for him? And yes I think he should be doing the vast majority of the housework if he's retired and you're full time. You may work from home but thats still working.

The fact you feel on eggshells is a very telling sign of emotional manipulation. He sounds like a dick. Its not normal to tell your spouse that you hate them. Ever. Even if your upset or even mad at them.

Just thinking...

You do the housework plus work full time.

He sits around watching TV.

Demands sex whenever he wants it. Tantrums when he doesn't get it.

Denies you autonomy in your own home.

Are you his wife....or his servant?

@46andstartingover You deserve better than this. I has to reread your post to make sure I was reading it correctly when you said he had an issue with you knitting whilst you both watch TV.. that's the most bizarre thing I've ever heard. Sounds like he's the one with the issues, not you. Stop walking on eggshells around him. Call his bluff on his threats of divorce! If he's threatening divorce because he's not getting his own way, then its time to move on. I bet they're just empty threads. Bottom line is, you deserve so much more than this.

You should hire a mini digger and plan a new patio!

You’re 46! Go be free, knit, drink, whatever you want to! Impossible to tell if you were drinking too much since he is obviously a controlling joy killer.

You have to ask permission to knit and he sulks if he doesn't get a blow job?

Take him up on his offer of divorce and don't look back. He's an awful controlling man. Free yourself of a lifetime of walking on eggshells.

Wtf does he do for YOU?

He makes me laugh, he’s my best friend and we’re on the same wavelength about so many things.

yes, he does expect me to pay attention to him
and not knit. His sister thinks he’s a freak as well.

i have put on a lot of weight (he’s obese as well) and he tells me all the time. I’m the size of a house, wants me to get gastric surgery, calls me fat - but then in the next breath wants me to wear slut clothing and nighties and walk around with a bit plug or conversing egg inside me because it’s a turn on for him.

he wonders why I do t like dressing up around him because ge makes me feel crap

I don’t think more than one or two days go by without him threatening to leave because apparently im a dirty bitch or because “im slipping into my old ways” when I dare to knit or play wordless whilst watching tv without asking permission.

but I do love him. I know why he is like he is and I can’t imagine life without him. He makes me feel loved and cared for and makes me laugh.

im not perfect either - no one is

I expect better treatment from my acquaintances let alone my friends/best friends/husband.

Has your social circle shrunk since the two of you got together?

How did you meet?

I'm sorry, OP, but he sounds horrible. If he makes you feel loved and cared for, you are setting the bar way, way too low.

Matey, my first husband was 24 years older than me.

It didn't work.

Your relationship doesn't sound great.

He sounds disgusting. What a horrible man.

Sounds grim, you poor thing.

We met whilst he was at work and I was a customer of his work. Don’t want to say more in case it’s outing.

I never had a massive social
circle but it has shrunk. My other friend hates him, don’t think mouthed is too chuffed by him either.

he is very good at cutting people off if he thinks they’ve slighted him. He doesn’t forgive and then they are dead to him.

Doesn’t sound like you have any intention of leaving him, he won’t change probably will get worse as he gets older, and as you are 16 years younger you will probably be his carer in the not too distant future especially if he is obese, he doesn’t sound a fit and healthy 63 year old. It’s your life, you could leave and start again you are still young enough but I doubt you will.

He sounds awful OP.

It sounds like he is the biggest part of your life because there aren't many people in your life.

Having anal sex and whatever else he likes when you're drunk does not sound like somebody who enjoys this kind of sex. Many do and many don't but sex should be something you both enjoy. It sounds like you let down your boundaries when you are drunk.

He sounds completely controlling. Sex sounds like some sort of dominance and submission. Daily life sounds like emotional manipulation.

This isn't love or anything like it. Its awful to be treated like this by someone you depend on.

You don't have children. I would leave him. I would go back to your mothers and would not let that man ever touch or talk to me again.

I'm sorry, op, but this is sounding like a classic controlling relationship.

✔️ friends disappear
✔️ friends dislike him
✔️ reatriction of hobbies /anything that he perceives as taking attention away from him
✔️ criticism of you drinking socially
✔️ having to ask permission for things
✔️ having to do the majority of the drudge work
✔️ feeling obliged into sexual activity you dislike / not comfortable with/ have to be drunk to submit to
✔️ verbal abuse- regularly degrading and insulting you
✔️ emotional control- sulking and kicking off when he doesn't get his way. Manipulation by being oh-so-rejected and hard done by when he doesn't get a blow job or whatever else it is regardless of how you're feeling (and when knowing you're not up to it)

I'm sure there's more.

The thing is about controlling relationships - the man* is never all bad. You love them totally, they're your best friend (or only friend), make you laugh your head of. Seem to have lots in common. They can be charming and funny and kind and generous. They make you feel loved and cared for.

Except when they don't.

But of course, you're so isolated that where else are your emotional needs being met? And the problem is, of course, that you love them.

And when it's good, it's wonderful.

They're your everything. And your whole life is centred around them.

Which is just how they like it of course.

Been there and got the t-shirt and I'm telling you that life goes on without them and life is better without them.

Maybe you will stay in your marriage longer and I'm not judging if you do, I can see how much you love him.

But whether you stay with him another 5 days or another 15 years, just remember- it's never too late for you to be independent and happy without him.

I promise.

I know why he is like he is

Why ? what's his excuse?^^
^^

It'll be something that's traumatised or wounded him in someway. Or perhaps a mh problem.

Could be genuine. No excuse though.

And he doesn't treat op with the same compassion as she gives him.