DH just blindsided me - I think it’s over….

[46andstartingover]

46 and been married for 10 years. He’s 63 so there is an age gap but it’s never been an issue. No kids. He’s been married twice before and has kids from previous marriage.

in general we never argue. He is a control freak with ocd levels of cleanliness. I’m the opposite but we’ve always muddled along.

Four years ago we had a major fall out. He was feeling ignored because I knit as a hobby. He didn’t like the fact that if we were watching tv I was knitting. We had a major bust up and a lot of things came out in the wash but we worked on it and we’re ok.

Earlier this year we had another major bust up because if gone away for the weekend with my best mate and came home pissed. He’d said he didn’t mind if I got a bit pissed but he flipped when I got home. A lot of other stuff came out in the wash. Despite nearly splitting up then we were ok after it. I cut down my drinking which had been an issue and tried to do more around the house.

one issue is he’s retired. And I work permanently from home. I don’t see why I should have to do general housework when he’s sitting watching tv all day or generally pottering around.

one thing that has always been a hit mismatched was our sex drives. He’s always been ip
for it more than me, and he’s into more kinky stuff than me. Nothing out there just anal, and nipple
clamps. I’m up for that if im
slightly tipsy but not otherwise. The cutting down the alcohol reduces the amount of kink we did.

A couple of weeks ago I made a joke about getting me drunk if he wanted his wicked way with me. He took that to mean I didn’t want to have sex with him unless I was drunk. Totally got the wrong end of the stick and we sorted it.

tonight, we came to bed and we were ok. He said to me “there’s goes my chance for a blow job” when the adverts finished on what we were watching. I said jokingly “there’s be another one” but in the mean time I ended up in the bathroom changing my San pro again as I’m bleeding like a stick pig and feel shot. I got back into bed and lay down on my side which faces away from him.

I did. Think he was half joking since he knew I was feeling shit. End result he felt rejected. Told me he never wants to touch me again, to cancel our weekend away for our anniversary next month and suggested a divorce because he hates me right now.

im tired being the bad guy and the one always walking on egg shells in case we end ip
rowing over something stupid.

he’s now in the spare room.

I do t want to split up but he keeps saying you only want things on your terms…… well yes because that’s know sex works - both have to be up for it.

The only issue I have is that I have to
Ask if I can knit or have a drink. That’s not normal is it? Having to get permission to knit in my own home.

I’ve realized I’m 46, I have two friends in the world and I’m about to lose one of them. Only child so no family apart from an elderly mother.

How the hell do I start again!

Sounds like you make very good money. You don't have kids, if you don't want to clean on your time off get a cleaner.
Also please go an see a therapist. The relationship you're in is all kinds of unhealthy, sounds like he's done a number on you mentally. He's stopping you from knitting, KNITTING, the inoffensive hobby of little old ladies and vicars wives for centuries (no shade to knitters, point is even in morally strict patriarchies knitting is acceptable, who is offended by knitting).

Just because you're "not perfect" doesn't mean you have to accept someone being abusive.

he didn’t want to stage it though court.

So the alternative was what? Never see them again. Despicable. Can't be bothered to go through court so you just won't see your kids ever again. What the f* is wrong with people?

I have a very similar age gap with my DH.

Your problems are not a result of his age.

They're a result of his horrible personality.

He'll he expecting you to care for him next....
Get out before that happens and while you're young enough x

He sounds revolting. Why are you wasting yourself on this horrible old man?

He's doing you a favour in the long run. This is no way to live.

Dear goodness what have I just read. Op!!

Are you actually fucking serious? He's my best friend but he treats me like absolute shit. Have some standards FFS.

On the computer now so hopefully the spellings/posts will be more eloquent.

He does have to be the centre of peoples attention. Even his sister says that. He doesn't like people doing anything that does not include him. When he visits his sister and her partner, he always get angry that they sit on their phones all evening......... that's their choice in their home but its not his way so he hates it.

When he visits my mum, who is 78 and on all sorts of pain killers for disability, he gets angry that she falls asleep. He sees it as rude that someone has travelled all that way to see her and she can't keep her eyes open, but she can talk to her friends on the phone and stay awake.

He's revolting. He treats you like dirt.

Help him pack his bags.

Get out more, join a sport group, get some new friends.

What on earth are you doing???

Anal sex and nipple clamps ARE kinky stuff. Not the mainstream, at all, no matter what anyone says. If you have to get drunk to do these things and it’s clear he’s putting pressure on you to do them otherwise you wouldn’t feel the need to try to get drunk to do so, then you are being sexually abused. No two ways around it. I’m the same age as you and there is not a million ways in hell I’d ever have anal sex. None. If people want to do that as consenting adults that’s absolutely fine but please do not be fooled into thinking this has become normal sex. It hasn’t.

He sounds absolutely vile. If he’s retired the housework should really be his domain.

You’re wasting your life with this shit bag.

Good grief, and you're not even financially dependent on the prick!!

Get rid. This isn't love, people who love us treat us with respect and kindness.

You're 46, go and get yourself a life where you can fucking knit if you want to without having to deal with a man baby having a tantrum about you not giving him enough attention.

Jesus, but plugs, eggs, anal and nipple clamps and you're not even allowed to do a bit of knitting. 🤷🏻‍♀️

He has no family or friends because he's an abusive arsehole love, He won't finish it, you're bankrolling his easy life, exert some authority in this situation, stand up for yourself, draw some lines in the sand and start having some self respect.

Probably thinks the knitting makes you look like an old woman and it ruins the kink for him. Lots of people knit, nothing wrong with it. Maybe he hasnt realised women are very good at doing 2 things at once.

He honestly makes my skin crawl, how you even sleep next to him let alone have any kind of sex with him I'll never know. I mean, to want a BJ knowing the giver is in pain and throw a tantrum when he doesnt get it!! Nasty piece of work.

Jesus what the actual fuck is this shit

Oh ffs, you have just said he gets angry with a disabled OAP
Get the hell out now. No one has suggested you stay with him.
You asked for advice, we gave it. He is abusive, most abusers are narcissistic.
This will not get better.

Oh no! I'm so sorry.

When I read this I think you sound like very sensible resilient person who often makes compromises for him. The anal, blowjobs, drinking less, not knitting in front of the TV, doing more housework because HE likes a tidy house. I wonder what compromises he makes for you? When did he give in, show empathy, or do something to help resolve a disagreement? It sounds really one sided. Though I appreciate perhaps it's the way it's written.

How does he not have empathy when you're bleeding? How can he not say well it's a shame we couldn't get intimate but I hope you're ok. How are you feeling?

Honestly, unless I'm missing something, I think although it's difficult in the short term you'd be better without him. You're still young. You could take up new hobbies, make new friends.

I suggest you think of the best way to say this, that he needs to be more considerate,for example if you're bleeding no he won't get what he wants, but he needs to ask how you are. If he's not great at this, you can help him (by just really explaining things) but only if he's willing to try. So using a communication model that is very clear, explaining what happened, how it made you feel, what he can do differently. But if he's not willing to do that, probably best to leave.

Foul, controlling, abusive arsehole.

I've never met you, OP, but I know you can do better than this.

Being alone but an autonomous adult who can have a glass of wine or (fuckinell) KNIT if she chooses would be better than this.

Listen to the women posting on this thread because many of us have been in an abusive relationship & can see this for what it is. You may not be able to see it now, but that’s what it is. You’re young, you don’t have children and you’re financially stable - you literally have nothing holding you back. He sounds like a narcissist to me. I’ve been with one of those and it’s not a pleasant or a happy life.

@46andstartingover Get out now while you can.

You are financially independent.
You have the door open right in front of you to a life free of his controlling abuse.
It is for you to take the first step forward.

’How the Hell do I start again? you asked.

First, go see a family law specialist for sound advice about ending this marriage.
Take their advice & start planning.
Your husband will know full well that he may benefit in a financial settlement & he’ll use this fact to berate you - I’ll ruin you etc - to keep you in your place. You need to be well informed to be well prepared to keep a clear head.

Gather documents. - a bit tricky if he’s around all day - but you did say that you manage the finances so this may be straight forward for you. Prepare to end this relationship.

Go see your GP. Tell them the reality of your marriage, the psychological control, sexual demands & the pattern/extent of your alcohol use. Press for counselling to help you address your distress, inertia & drinking. You misuse alcohol to numb the pain of this marriage & possibly what has gone before which led you to set the bar so low that this man seems like your best friend & become your responsibility?

Get help now. The NHS has long waiting lists so prepare to ask your GP to recommend a specialist agency/therapist that you pay for. This is urgent self care.

Do not undertake any joint or relationship counselling with this man.
He is nasty, damaged & abusive, he will exploit the therapeutic situation to abuse you further.

Get away now, end the relationship.
You are fit, well & financially independent - you will recover to have a good life of your own.

He’s made you so beholden to him that you can’t see he’s abusing you.

Also your title "DH just blindsided me", did he really blindside you? Sounds like he was completely on brand.

he gets angry that she falls asleep. He sees it as rude that someone has travelled all that way to see her and she can't keep her eyes open,

Oh come on!

So tell the stupid twat to stay at home.

I can't believe that this didn't disgust you into kicking him out.

What does he bring to your life op? Your friends will come back as soon as you tell them you've kicked him out. He's isolated you from anyone else to keep you trapped.

And definitely a reg flag that none of his kids from 2 different wives speak to him. I bet they'd be interested if to speak to.

He is objectively a vile person. He gets angry at your elderly, frail mum for falling asleep????

Things that NEVER happen in a good relationship:
calling the other person a slut, fat
expecting them to do things sexually they don't want to do
banning hobbies
thinking the other person should always put you first
sitting around all day doing nothing while the other person works
sulking
regularly threatening to leave

He is vile. He doesn't love you. He doesn't even like you. I wouldn't treat my neighbour's dog the way he treats you. I'm sorry that's harsh but it's true.

This is not a good relationship. How can you love someone who doesn't respect you, seems to despise you, wants to humiliate you, wants to have sex with you when you don't want it (there's a name for that), sulks, controls, demands attention, doesn't see you as his equal??

You deserve so much better.