DH just blindsided me - I think it’s over….

[46andstartingover]

46 and been married for 10 years. He’s 63 so there is an age gap but it’s never been an issue. No kids. He’s been married twice before and has kids from previous marriage.

in general we never argue. He is a control freak with ocd levels of cleanliness. I’m the opposite but we’ve always muddled along.

Four years ago we had a major fall out. He was feeling ignored because I knit as a hobby. He didn’t like the fact that if we were watching tv I was knitting. We had a major bust up and a lot of things came out in the wash but we worked on it and we’re ok.

Earlier this year we had another major bust up because if gone away for the weekend with my best mate and came home pissed. He’d said he didn’t mind if I got a bit pissed but he flipped when I got home. A lot of other stuff came out in the wash. Despite nearly splitting up then we were ok after it. I cut down my drinking which had been an issue and tried to do more around the house.

one issue is he’s retired. And I work permanently from home. I don’t see why I should have to do general housework when he’s sitting watching tv all day or generally pottering around.

one thing that has always been a hit mismatched was our sex drives. He’s always been ip
for it more than me, and he’s into more kinky stuff than me. Nothing out there just anal, and nipple
clamps. I’m up for that if im
slightly tipsy but not otherwise. The cutting down the alcohol reduces the amount of kink we did.

A couple of weeks ago I made a joke about getting me drunk if he wanted his wicked way with me. He took that to mean I didn’t want to have sex with him unless I was drunk. Totally got the wrong end of the stick and we sorted it.

tonight, we came to bed and we were ok. He said to me “there’s goes my chance for a blow job” when the adverts finished on what we were watching. I said jokingly “there’s be another one” but in the mean time I ended up in the bathroom changing my San pro again as I’m bleeding like a stick pig and feel shot. I got back into bed and lay down on my side which faces away from him.

I did. Think he was half joking since he knew I was feeling shit. End result he felt rejected. Told me he never wants to touch me again, to cancel our weekend away for our anniversary next month and suggested a divorce because he hates me right now.

im tired being the bad guy and the one always walking on egg shells in case we end ip
rowing over something stupid.

he’s now in the spare room.

I do t want to split up but he keeps saying you only want things on your terms…… well yes because that’s know sex works - both have to be up for it.

The only issue I have is that I have to
Ask if I can knit or have a drink. That’s not normal is it? Having to get permission to knit in my own home.

I’ve realized I’m 46, I have two friends in the world and I’m about to lose one of them. Only child so no family apart from an elderly mother.

How the hell do I start again!

Sounds very like my ex, I thought it could be him you were talking about until you posted more details!

I'm out the other side now, spent time alone and now have a new partner and I promise you - alone was better than being with my ex. Even if I never met anyone else, I would have been happy to be alone because it wasn't with him. Yes, he made me laugh and was my "best friend", but he was only that when I was doing exactly what he wanted. I can see him now for what he actually was, my abuser.

You can do it OP, get rid of him. It's going to be hard but once you're out the other side you'll be so happy.

He sounds like an actual pervert. It is also very concerning that multiple kids from multiple relationships decide to not have any contact with him, and even more so that one of them has become a sex worker. Could he have sexually abused them? He is certainly sexually abusing you by using coersive control.

Honestly, it really does sound like you would be so good on your own. You have a lot going for you having money, hobbies, friends and you mental health would get a real boost if you took control back of your life.

Okay i going to say he is not your best friend, hes your master. He is controlling you in every aspect of your life and there are no excuses for that.

Not sure how youve lasted so long to be honest, hes using you for your age and your money. Bet its nice for him knowing that in 10/15 years when hes in need of care you'll be there to help with his every need.

He has been wiring your brain to need his attention and love him. Thats what they do, im just sorry you wasted 10 years of your life on someone like that. but trust me when i say it'll only get worse.

OP, if you are the deconstructing knitting poster - in your last post you kicked him out?! Why did you let him back in?

I think you should divorce him.

You will manage just fine and when men start saying things about getting divorce, it's the ultimate threat.

Take him at his word and start proceedings. He will get worse as he gets older.

Use this as your chance to be free. You might love him but he does not love you and until you realise that, you will be paralysed and continue to be abused for abuse it definitely is.

You need to call his bluff. Tell him that it is ludicrous to make such a fuss about you knitting, doing wordle or anything else whilst watching TV and you are going to do what you like; that you expect him to do more around the house when you're working; and that you're not his sex object. If he can't handle that, he had better make good on his treat and get out.

There's a reason he's on his third marriage. He sounds like an abusive prick. Who likes to control things. Run.

You need to get rid of this horrible horrible man. Id like to see any man telling me what to do in my own home.
He is abusive and his good points do not make up for his bad one's.

Ask his permission?

He sounds like he is resentful because you earn well. He will try and strip that away next.

You need to end it. He is a pervert. You will end up becoming his carer instead of enjoying your prime.

I bet when you do end it the first words out of his mouth will be how hard it will to manage without your money.

He sounds vile.

The one thing you’ve all got wrong is I don’t do the housework.

I cook, look after the finance and tech.

he cleans etc. he just thinks I should
do
more. He gets angry if I’ve cooked and there’s bits on the floor. End up hovering the kitchen every time I do anything I’m there.

When all of his children don’t speak to him, especially when they’re from two different marriages, that is highly indicative that he is the fucking problem, not them.

I remember your knitting thread.

Get rid of him, he’s gross. Anal is not a normal request.

Please leave this horrible man. He is controlling and cruel. Having to ask permission to knit or have a drink is not normal, nor is his coercive behaviour in the bedroom.

You are so young and you’re financially independent. While starting again is scary, you’re in a good position to do it. Have you spoken to your friend about what’s been going on?

You can do this…do you want another 20 years of this?

Starting again at 46 will be a lot easier than waiting it out miserably for another 20yrs surely?!

I get why you might feel its easier to stay, but it really doesnt sound like much of a life and YOURE STILL SOOOO YOUNG!!

It sounds like (unlike many?) Youre in financial position to actually be able to leave and start again - you have hobbies, your own income etc - and no doubt your self esteem would improve loads if youre not living with someone who calls you fat all the time! ❤️

You are in an abusive relationship.

Please take him up on his threat of divorce. It will be the best decision of your life. You're living in a Harold Pinter play - dark, grotesque and unsettling. Get out of there - breathe some fresh air and feel the sun on your face. You're so young, you have money, you're not tied to him through children - save yourself!

He sounds utterly repulsive.

You are in an abusive relationship with a very toxic person. The fact that he's estranged from all of his children says it all. He couldn't "handle" his DD's sex work? No decent parent would cut their child off for that. Be concerned, offer support, wish they were doing something different, yes! But cut then out of your life? I wouldn't even do that if my child murdered someone. That's what unconditional love is. And clearly your husband isn't capable of it. And with the younger two he just couldn't be arsed to see them basically. It sounds their mother is extremely sensible in her decision to keep him away from them. He's not a committed or loving father.

He is extremely controlling of you and sexually coercive. If you stay in this relationship he will continue to chip away at your self esteem, your relationships with other people and your hobbies until he takes up all the space in your life entirely. And then you'll be wiping the arse of an obese, elderly man who has cut you off from everyone else and treats you like shit.

You're in your forties!! Go and enjoy your life. Don't sleepwalk through the next decade or 2, wasting precious prime years on this crap.

He makes me feel loved and cared for

If this is true, you would certainly benefit from some solo counselling. He doesn't treat you with love or care, he's abusive.

OP I have been married to the same person for 30+ years. I would not marry the majority of my friend's husbands. Yours would be under the patio!
I wonder if he targeted you? A friend of mine married someone who divorced her after ten years taking half her home. A long game. She had spent a decade being mentally abused. She was a bigger girl too and he was a disgusting pervert.
What he wants is sex, not love. I also agree with @Snoken I think he may have abused his daughters. Many sex workers have a history of childhood abuse.
If you had young female relatives would you want him around them?
I also think you may be able to tackle your alcohol dependancy when you are away from him. It is a sticking plaster.
You haven't said who owns your home? If not you, leave, rent a small house, hire a solicitor and a counsellor.
He is not nice, you deserve better, you are a meal ticket and his future nurse.
LTB.

But that’s just painted an even worse picture of him.

And just another thought (forgive my armchair psychology) I have noticed anecdotally that abusive and controlling men are largely estranged from their children. I've always thought this was because they are (usually) unable to control their adult children in the same way that they can control a partner as an adult child will generally have their own life, their own independent relationships with friends and partners, all of which render them a harder target.

So many red flags... 4 kids from 2 different women and he hasn't held down a relationship with any of them (but it's always someone else's fault)? 3 dysfunctional marriages? Who's the common denominator?

I’m three years younger than you. my partner is the same age and also we are very close. We have the best times and we laugh a lot.

However as my partner he would never even dream of treating me like you are being treated. He certainly would never tell me what I can and can’t do… ever. He is very tidy but he has never commented on my jobs around the house, he also does his own fair share. I could go on but you get the drift.

I would rather be on my own than put up with what you are. You are only half way through life. Life is for living not existing and treading on eggshells in your own home.

Well, this is MN, so of course everything will be your DH's fault. But life is rarely so black and white, is it?

The knitting thing - I kind of get where he's coming from. Of course, it goes without saying, that it's your choice when and where you knit, but if you've settled down to watch a film or a series together, and you're not watching properly, you will be missing vital bits, and it would feel to me like you're not all in. My DH sometimes does this with his phone, and he misses vital plot twists, so we have to rewind, or I have to explain what's happened, and it just feels like we're having a very disconnected evening. Thankfully he doesn't do it often.

The intimacy thing, I also get - it's horrible to feel as though your partner has rejected you. I do get rejected as well, and at times I have used the same line as your DH about "it's all on your terms", because that's entirely how it feels. My DH is the only man in the world that I'm meant to have sex with, but if he doesn't want it for several weeks, then yes, it feels as though my sex life is in his hands and that it's all on his terms - not good whatsoever. BUT.....the fact he's calling you names and referring to your weight, well, I feel he's almost got himself to blame for you being reserved. Even though my DH is overweight, I have never made reference to this.

Having said all of the above, overall he isn't sounding like a great package. The overly kinky stuff - I think he'd probably get more intimacy from you if he was loving and warm and sensual? Wanting you to walk around with things in your orifices, is plain weird in my view. I myself have a high sex drive, and wouldn't find that a turn on. And certainly not if I'd been called a "house end" 24 hours before! He's not exactly a master at seduction, is he?

The not seeing his kids - major red flag.

The 2 previous marriages, I don't know - I'm on my 2nd marriage. The first H was abusive and cheated with at least 10 women, so that failed marriage isn't my fault. And if my current marriage failed, I can tell you now, it wouldn't be my fault. I'm the kind of person that puts in 110% and only leaves when absolutely every avenue has been explored (I gave my first H four years to change his behaviour and he didn't). Would that mean that I was flawed, if I had 2 marriages behind me? I don't think that would be fair.

Lastly, there are some ageist comments on this thread, because he's 63. Are 63 year old's meant to be on the scrap heap now? Who knew!

I actually remember the knitting post because it was so different to anything I had read in all the 20 years I have been on here !

It is over probably his only criticism that possibly has any justification could be your alcohol consumption but I can’t see how much your drinking.

Go and see a solicitor, don’t tell him.