DH just blindsided me - I think it’s over….

[46andstartingover]

46 and been married for 10 years. He’s 63 so there is an age gap but it’s never been an issue. No kids. He’s been married twice before and has kids from previous marriage.

in general we never argue. He is a control freak with ocd levels of cleanliness. I’m the opposite but we’ve always muddled along.

Four years ago we had a major fall out. He was feeling ignored because I knit as a hobby. He didn’t like the fact that if we were watching tv I was knitting. We had a major bust up and a lot of things came out in the wash but we worked on it and we’re ok.

Earlier this year we had another major bust up because if gone away for the weekend with my best mate and came home pissed. He’d said he didn’t mind if I got a bit pissed but he flipped when I got home. A lot of other stuff came out in the wash. Despite nearly splitting up then we were ok after it. I cut down my drinking which had been an issue and tried to do more around the house.

one issue is he’s retired. And I work permanently from home. I don’t see why I should have to do general housework when he’s sitting watching tv all day or generally pottering around.

one thing that has always been a hit mismatched was our sex drives. He’s always been ip
for it more than me, and he’s into more kinky stuff than me. Nothing out there just anal, and nipple
clamps. I’m up for that if im
slightly tipsy but not otherwise. The cutting down the alcohol reduces the amount of kink we did.

A couple of weeks ago I made a joke about getting me drunk if he wanted his wicked way with me. He took that to mean I didn’t want to have sex with him unless I was drunk. Totally got the wrong end of the stick and we sorted it.

tonight, we came to bed and we were ok. He said to me “there’s goes my chance for a blow job” when the adverts finished on what we were watching. I said jokingly “there’s be another one” but in the mean time I ended up in the bathroom changing my San pro again as I’m bleeding like a stick pig and feel shot. I got back into bed and lay down on my side which faces away from him.

I did. Think he was half joking since he knew I was feeling shit. End result he felt rejected. Told me he never wants to touch me again, to cancel our weekend away for our anniversary next month and suggested a divorce because he hates me right now.

im tired being the bad guy and the one always walking on egg shells in case we end ip
rowing over something stupid.

he’s now in the spare room.

I do t want to split up but he keeps saying you only want things on your terms…… well yes because that’s know sex works - both have to be up for it.

The only issue I have is that I have to
Ask if I can knit or have a drink. That’s not normal is it? Having to get permission to knit in my own home.

I’ve realized I’m 46, I have two friends in the world and I’m about to lose one of them. Only child so no family apart from an elderly mother.

How the hell do I start again!

Good lord. Get yourself away from this man. What is there to love about him. He sounds disgusting in every way. Is this even real?

I know he’ll be financially fucked without me.

Then why are you even with this waste of space? You can do better on your way. You have an active lifetime ahead of you; he doesn't.
Lose some weight; get back out there; get your self esteem back; get your life back!

There are rarely times where I read threads on here and feel grateful to be single and free. Reading your posts though OP, I am genuinely grateful to be single and free. Freedom has a price. Security has a price. It's your decision what price you're willing to pay. In an ideal relationship security and freedom are not mutually exclusive. It sounds like you're paying a very high price for security of a 'relationship'. It all sounds horrible. Only you can decide whether you are willing to pay the price asked of you.

Are the poster who’s husband threw away her knitting?

Run. Objecting to knitting is one of the most bizarre control freak things ever. And don't believe the nonsense about controlling ex wives and children. They know what he's like.

I posted at the time she. We had world war three over my knitting.

it was a different account.

Your self-esteem must be in the gutter. There's no man in the world that I would ask permission to do some knitting.

There are no abusers that are horrible all the time. Otherwise, no woman would ever get into a relationship with them. If I offered you a sandwich and said "Look, I only put in a tiny amount of shit but the rest of it is really good", would you eat it? Of course, you wouldn't. The acceptable amount is zero shit in your sandwich. Same with relationships: the acceptable amount of abuse is zero.

You earn good money, he wants a divorce. Get rid of this idiot.

Read this OP
www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding#causes
This is why you can’t imagine leaving him, even though you know deep down you should.
Honestly, he sounds disgusting. “Some” nice moments don’t make up for the rest of it, and those nice moments will become less and less, until all that’s left is misery for you. He’s using the threat of divorce to control you, you know that.

If you can’t face leaving him right now, please expand your world at least. Can you work any days in the office? Join a knitting group? I know he won’t like it but you need other people in your life. You’re mentally trapped and you need to start gaining some freedom.

Run lovely. Run fast, run far and never look back. Join a craft club, find yourself again and live. I’ve been where you are. Now I’m free and happy. You’re young, live your life

You deserve better than this

OP, you can't change him, he can only change if he wants too. At 63 I think that is highly unlikely.
So you have a choice, leave and start living your life, you are still young.

Or stay with a man who is mean to you, and controlling.

He sounds abusive and controlling
Ltb asap

You expressed a fear of being alone...but he's older, it's likely you will end up alone as he's likely to die before you. And you will have no one around you because he alienates everyone. If you don't have him dragging you down you could meet other people. Join a knitting group, go out socially with colleagues and have a drink...you are plenty young enough to meet someone else -and this time pick someone with a social circle who isn't estranged from their entire family...what could your life be like in 10 years? Why not take the plunge and find out?

This isn’t a healthy relationship and it’s not going to get better. Have you tried a separation? You’d probably find you’ll want to make it permanent. BTW why not pay someone to do the cleaning, if he’s so exacting about it? But too busy pottering to actually do it.

He sounds like a real charmer (not!!)

Anyone who is not on speaking terms with any of his kids does not sound like a goer to me.

He is leeching off you in more ways than one.

Please read what you have written as though someone else had written it. Then think.Now you've done that remember;
You are being treated appallingly, you don't deserve it. Tell him it' over and leave. You have many years ahead of you to find happiness, make friends, do things you want to do. You aren't living.Not even existing.You can do more and better.

Oh gosh. You are the poster, whose husband threw your knitting away. Please read this link about the cycle of abuse and there is a link inside runs or ‘battered woman syndrome’, which is of interest as well. This explains why you are trauma bonding to your husband. www.healthline.com/health/relationships/cycle-of-abuse

And just in case you’re not convinced you’re a victim of domestic abuse, please read this as well. www.betterhelp.com/advice/abuse/6-ways-to-end-the-cycle-of-abuse/. This covers both emotional and sexual abuse.

Your friends have been cut off but I bet you they’d be willing to welcome you back with open arms if you could get back in contact with them. This man has deliberately cut them off to make you emotionally dependent on him. This is what abusers do, cut your support network and isolate you to prevent you from escape.

I am convinced this is all him. That is even if you get upset at times, are not perfect or shout. Abusers often convince their victims they are the abusive ones through coercive control.

You are young and you’ve wasted your best years on this man. It is no coincidence he doesn’t see any of his kids. Idk if his ex wives would be willing to talk to you about their experiences but they definitely will feel they got away. If they will talk to you, they may also be willing to help you understand just how traumatised you are.

The fact that he doesn’t see any of his kids speaks volumes. Of course his second wife won’t allow him to see her kids. She saw first hand just how dangerous he is to be around children by how much he screwed up his 2 from his first marriage.

If this man isn’t safe to be around children, in what way do you think he is safe as a partner?

*"and suggested a divorce because he hates me right now"
*
Blimey, grab that with both hands and don't look back!

The description of this man is giving me the total ick.

Oh god, please leave. Your life sounds awful and sounds worse the more you post.

I’m 10 years older than you, and you sound like your life is over. I’m planning to retire in 5 years time, go travelling, I see friends, family, I could start knitting if I wanted to. Im with a. Man who definitely sees his kids.

him not seeing his kids is such a red flag here, those women he had the kids with see him for what he is.

Get out of there! Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? It's not normal at all and surely a fab life being single is better than this!

You’re only 46. You still have your life still ahead of you. Do you think you can continue to live and work like this from home until you hit retirement age? Leave while you still can. He sounds manipulative. He thinks he can just threaten divorce and you’ll cater to his every whim? That’s such a turn off. If he’s already retired, he should be doing a lot more. You can always make more friends when you have time to do your hobbies and you don’t have to seek permission to knit.

THIS MAN IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE.

He'll continue to degrade and control you. Are you willing to put up with this because he can be nice sometimes?

Also, it's really unpleasant to call young women hookers and manipulative bitches. I'm not surprised they have issues having grown up with this man as a father. They probably have zero self esteem.

Oh my word, I rarely ever tell people to leave, but this sounds hideous. Please don’t waste your best years on this man.

He is stopping you from socialising and enjoying your free time.

He degrades you, calls you names and ruins your self esteem before subjecting you to sexual things that you don’t enjoy.

You support him financially, do all the housework and work full time whilst he does nothing.

Then he threatens to leave you whenever he doesn’t get his own way and makes you feel even worse.

He might be funny and charming, but there are plenty of people out in the world who are funny and charming without all the horrible aspects he has.

You don’t need this in your life. The internet has so many ways to help you meet new friends. You could join a craft group, or any other kind of hobby group that takes your interest. There are apps and websites for social meet ups.