AIBU to be bothered by my husband looking at young women?

[occupationalhazard123]

We are both in our 50s have been together 5 years and married for 2. We have a great life, fantastic sex life and he is a wonderful step dad to my two girls. I have known him most of my life so I know who he is and what kind of person he is. I'm completely confident that he is a faithful man and not at all lecherous. I've never noticed him looking at women when we were friends but since we've been together I have noticed that if there is a young woman in a tight skirt or leggings I can be pretty sure he will take a look at some point. He's not staring or ogling but certainly registers that they are there. The first time it happened really noticeably I called him out on it and he denied it emphatically. We've had the same argument a few times and each time he tells me I am wrong and that he just generally looks around and sees everyone equally. He is really distracted by movement when we are out and it is true that he will be aware of what is going on at another table in a restaurant etc. When I have read threads like this before the responses are always to talk to him and tell him to stop. However, I don't know what to do if you raise the subject and he denies that it is happening! I think he genuinely believes this, but the problem is that I genuinely believe that he is doing it! I feel really embarrassed when it happens and know what everyone around us would think if they saw him. We are really happy together and have a good, honest relationship, but this one thing really bothers me. It is at the point where he knows I am watching him when we're out and it makes him feel on edge too, so we are both uncomfortable. AIBU about this? Should I just relax and accept that it is only a handful of times and is meaningless? Are there any men out there can put this into perspective for me?

Do you not notice attractive people around you?!

Id find your behaviour incredibly controlling.

I don't think I do in the same way. I suppose I am also conscious that we have daughters and I don't want them to see him looking at young women. I'm happy to be told my behaviour is controlling if that's how it comes across! I just need some perspective on this.

Is it their age or attractiveness that is the problem?

If he is staring with his tongue hanging out, then that's one issue. But it doesn't sound like he is.

He has a right to take in his surroundings and look out the window without being policed or made to feel like a pervert. It's possible he is lingering a little on attractive people, but then it's a part of human nature for some things to catch our eye. The question is whether he is crossing a line.

My sense is that you have said your piece and he knows you wouldn't appreciate him overdoing it. If he IS ogling, then he knows you're on to him and he will presumably make it less obvious. But if you go too hard on this, you risk him feeling permanently on edge, and that can't be good for either of you.

Well I suppose it is partly their age - they are not much older than my eldest daughter and his god daughter. If it is all so innocent why deny doing it?

Probably because you've already had a go at him about it

I've experienced this in my last relationship, sometimes obvious sometimes not looking at women, looking them up & down. I would also raise it & be told it hadn't happened. It was always at women who were totally different to me. Personally I find it deeply disrespectful that a man you're with would do this. I know myself if I'm single yes I might notice attractive people & look at them. But if I'm in a relationship I simply don't look around because I've chosen my partner & I'm happy with them. If I look around a room & catch eyes with someone even if they are attractive I immediately look away. I would expect this of a partner

I think we all absent mindedly look around, if it's just a quick glance it's probably not even registering with himself. I wonder if you're hyper vigilant with him now if you're watching what his eyes are doing

I caught myself watching a man go by the other day and I know I looked him up and down before clocking myself! It really was just that he was wearing the brightest cycling shorts and trainers to match, but even so, it may have looked like an ogle to anyone who was watching me!

@shropshire11 Thanks for your sensible view - you're right that I need to make sure we are not all on edge, that's what I am trying to do.

@Neveragain85 thanks for this, I also find it disrespectful plus the fact that we can't have a sensible conversation about is as he says it is not happening. I may well be being hypervigilent and that's something I need to sort out. However, I was happily married for many years before and never once had this conversation!

But if I'm in a relationship I simply don't look around because I've chosen my partner & I'm happy with them. If I look around a room & catch eyes with someone even if they are attractive I immediately look away.

But it’s OK to look as long you don’t catch their eye? Catching somebody’s eye and holding their gaze is miles apart from just noticing attractive people in your surroundings.

You sound hard work.

I think you're being a bit dramatic and unrealistic in your expectations OP.

Are people (men or women!) no longer allowed to look at someone because they find them attractive? Just because they're looking at someone and it's registering in their brain that they're good looking doesn't mean they want to run off and cheat.

You sound quite insecure.

What you describe @occupationalhazard123 basically describes me. I'm distracted by people moving and I will often look and sometimes stare a little too long at other people, which includes attractive women. Yet I'm straight. Could your DH be like me and it's just that you're only noticing the younger women he's looking at?

I'd imagine these women are in their late 20's/30's and not teenagers? It does sound very much like you're 'telling your husband off', OP. It's not fair to try and be the thought police for your partner.

My ex did this all the time, I wasn't just being paranoid, he'd do it to get a rise and make me jealous. In the cinema one time a pretty girl walked to her seat in front of us with her partner, he said "Lucky guy!" Any self esteem I did have was shot to pieces after 5 years of this shit.

@chrimborambo yes, it's entirely possible that that's what I'm doing!

People like to look at beautiful people 🤷‍♀️
I register beautiful people of any sex and age.
A quick glance (2-3 seconds) is fine. Anything more is intrusive staring I would say.
Let the man be, that sort of insecurity should be left behind in our 20s.

@Starrylight actually no, I would say all were early 20s. I think this is why it bothers me so much. I am surprised that the feedback here is very much that I am overreacting. Do you not all find a man in his 50s looking at a 22 year old woman a bit icky, particularly when he's with his wife and daughters?

I would notice much younger men. I'm 52 and notice men upto 15 - 25 years younger. I dont stare. I look away. But I do notice a very attractive man.

I guess the cringe line not to cross is thinking that you should start a pointless conversation/flirt/leer

@xJ0y god no, nothing like that!

I have a daughter in her early 20's, she has a few attractive male friends. I'd be lying if I said I didn't notice. I don't fancy them, but I do think they're good looking. I don't have any concerns about myself.

My db used to clock attractive women and sometimes I felt he was staring.
The thing is he does often look into space so I wasn't sure.
I said to him you'll get your face slapped one day and serve you right.
He stopped doing it from then on.

I don't think you're over reacting. If its obvious enough for you to notice it's obvious enough for other people to notice, including the young women, which is unpleasant for them and embarrassing for him (and you for being with a man who does it.) It's nothing to do with being jealous or controlling, it's simply that having been a young woman (and indeed an older one who still gets this) some of us consider it really annoying ti be on the receiving end. It makes you self conscious and you either laugh at the man, or are disgusted at him. Neither of which most of us would want directed at our partner.
As for not realising he does it, well he's just going to have to start paying attention isn't he? It's funny how they're capable of not staring when its aggressive looking men who might be spoiling for a fight, but somehow lose the ability when it's a young woman's arse.
Tell him that you're not a fool, you're not imagining things, and if he wasn't doing it you'd have nothing to complain about, so he needs to control himself.

@5128gap Thank you, this is really how I feel! I don't want to make a huge deal of it but I do think he could be more self aware and just not do it for all the reasons you mention.