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Original poster

AIBU to be bothered by my husband looking at young women?

109 replies

occupationalhazard123 · 30/11/2022 11:03

We are both in our 50s have been together 5 years and married for 2. We have a great life, fantastic sex life and he is a wonderful step dad to my two girls. I have known him most of my life so I know who he is and what kind of person he is. I'm completely confident that he is a faithful man and not at all lecherous. I've never noticed him looking at women when we were friends but since we've been together I have noticed that if there is a young woman in a tight skirt or leggings I can be pretty sure he will take a look at some point. He's not staring or ogling but certainly registers that they are there. The first time it happened really noticeably I called him out on it and he denied it emphatically. We've had the same argument a few times and each time he tells me I am wrong and that he just generally looks around and sees everyone equally. He is really distracted by movement when we are out and it is true that he will be aware of what is going on at another table in a restaurant etc. When I have read threads like this before the responses are always to talk to him and tell him to stop. However, I don't know what to do if you raise the subject and he denies that it is happening! I think he genuinely believes this, but the problem is that I genuinely believe that he is doing it! I feel really embarrassed when it happens and know what everyone around us would think if they saw him. We are really happy together and have a good, honest relationship, but this one thing really bothers me. It is at the point where he knows I am watching him when we're out and it makes him feel on edge too, so we are both uncomfortable. AIBU about this? Should I just relax and accept that it is only a handful of times and is meaningless? Are there any men out there can put this into perspective for me?

OP posts:
monsteronahill · 30/11/2022 13:14

I think perhaps it sounds from your replies to me, that you're over thinking some of it - you've said he's easily distracted, and you've described it as glances not looking up and down (which to me is ogling!) or actual ogling / stating.

I'm also very very easily distracted by people and movements, so I'd be doing exactly what he is - I tend to glance around at people moving / doing things all the time. I think that if you think he's glancing, then you're on the watch for it and every time he glances at someone you'll be hyper vigilant if you think it fits into your worries.

Reading a lot of these replies people are talking about staring / looking up and down etc which is totally different and you've said isn't what he's doing.

Habibtihayatiii · 30/11/2022 13:14

I understand OP. My father does this and always has - but only at attractive women, particularly if they are dressed in tight or 'provocative' clothing. As a teenager it's distressed me immensely, my sister and I were expected to dress modestly but he regularly ogled women. I'm now in my mid forties and I find it gross rather than personally distressing. For example, if we're in the car and pass a female pedestrian in a crop top or tight gym wear (and it has to be overt boobs/bum etc.), I usually see them first (just better situational awareness I think) and I have caught myself doing a silent countdown in my head... 3,2,1... til I know he will turn and look. The sad thing is that all these years later, I still want to be wrong - I countdown in the hope that it won't happen and it's all in my head but not once have I won this bet against myself. It's one of many reasons my relationship with him is so poor; I find it skin crawling behaviour.

Starrylight · 30/11/2022 13:15

ganggangrosey · 30/11/2022 12:57

I think most men prefer the aesthetics of women this age. It is what it is.

I wouldn't be looking at young men young enough to be my son like that. It's vile, but that's the difference between most men and women.

How embarrassing for you to have someone who repeatedly glances at them too. If he didn't do it when you were just friends, why would he start now? The fact that he can't help himself is disgusting. See what kind of porn he watches that will give you a sense of who and what he truly desires.

He must look at your daughters and their friends like that. If they thought they could get women that age most of them would.

I have had men behave totally inappropriate towards me when their significant others have been standing there. I have been furious and see them as abusive me trying to abuse their wives using me.

This all seems a million miles away from OP's husband having a few glances at an attractive woman.

OP you said yourself you're noticing women who fit the 'brief', and then looking at him to see if he's looking at them. So, essentially you yourself are clocking these women? It's not then a massive stretch that'll he'll notice them as well.

Beachcomber · 30/11/2022 13:17

I disagree with this "no harm in looking" notion.

Perhaps if no-one notices you looking then you aren't harming anyone but if the young women being looked at notice it then I think it does do harm. Especially because this sort of behaviour is (unfortunately) not uncommon. Most young women I know hate being checked out by older men and it happens to them a lot. It makes them uncomfortable, nervous, angry, curtails what they do, wear, etc. It's out of fucking order.

And I think it is harmful to a couple if one half is frequently checking out really young women.

Can you imagine trying to have a decent conversation with your DH whilst they were having repeated glances at young women?

I'd be tempted to ask if he'd like me to shut up or leave so as to not get in the way of his little hobby.

Yuck.

Original poster
occupationalhazard123 · 30/11/2022 13:23

Miajk · 30/11/2022 13:07

God responses like these are depressing.

The bar for male behaviour is in hell, no wonder if women like you exist.

An old man creepily starting at women to a point where it's noticeable is icky as hell.

Let's leave this kind of cute and excusing men like this behind maybe. Eww.

Show quote history

Thanks for this Miajk, I thought it was a bit over the top! Completely out of context.

OP posts:
ganggangrosey · 30/11/2022 13:23

@Starrylight unfortunately I think you are naive. These are women young enough to be his daughters. The OP basically said he can't help but keep looking at them.

Scratch the surface and she'll see what he likes.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 30/11/2022 13:25

5128gap · 30/11/2022 12:14

I don't think you're over reacting. If its obvious enough for you to notice it's obvious enough for other people to notice, including the young women, which is unpleasant for them and embarrassing for him (and you for being with a man who does it.) It's nothing to do with being jealous or controlling, it's simply that having been a young woman (and indeed an older one who still gets this) some of us consider it really annoying ti be on the receiving end. It makes you self conscious and you either laugh at the man, or are disgusted at him. Neither of which most of us would want directed at our partner.
As for not realising he does it, well he's just going to have to start paying attention isn't he? It's funny how they're capable of not staring when its aggressive looking men who might be spoiling for a fight, but somehow lose the ability when it's a young woman's arse.
Tell him that you're not a fool, you're not imagining things, and if he wasn't doing it you'd have nothing to complain about, so he needs to control himself.

I completely agree with this. OP if he noticed a young woman, but you were completely unaware, then it's fine. To me the fact that it's very obvious to you that he's doing it is the problem. It's disrespectful.

Original poster
occupationalhazard123 · 30/11/2022 13:27

Biscuits1011 · 30/11/2022 12:57

🙄 controlling?! For feeling a feeling and expecting her partner not to look at other women?! What’s the world coming to.

op, I think it sounds as though he does notice, but that’s it, I don’t think it sounds as if he’s staring or making it obvious. If I see an attractive man around I do notice, but that’s it, I notice and then walk on by and don’t think anymore of it, because I fancy and love my partner, I think it sounds like your partner is much the same and it’s nothing to worry about.

Show quote history

Thanks biscuits I appreciate this! I think you are right that it is nothing to worry about. Me on alert for it is not helping either. Others have suggested that I am insecure and down on myself, which I am really not. I know my husband loves me and is deeply attracted to me so it's not that. I need to have another conversation I think without the heat and just try to draw a line under it. He does his bit and I do mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
occupationalhazard123 · 30/11/2022 13:31

monsteronahill · 30/11/2022 13:14

I think perhaps it sounds from your replies to me, that you're over thinking some of it - you've said he's easily distracted, and you've described it as glances not looking up and down (which to me is ogling!) or actual ogling / stating.

I'm also very very easily distracted by people and movements, so I'd be doing exactly what he is - I tend to glance around at people moving / doing things all the time. I think that if you think he's glancing, then you're on the watch for it and every time he glances at someone you'll be hyper vigilant if you think it fits into your worries.

Reading a lot of these replies people are talking about staring / looking up and down etc which is totally different and you've said isn't what he's doing.

Thanks monster, what you say makes a lot of sense. I am definitely over thinking it, but at the same time I can't help it bothering me. I think we both need to modify our behaviour and that shouldn't be impossible.

OP posts:
Original poster
occupationalhazard123 · 30/11/2022 13:34

Beachcomber · 30/11/2022 13:17

I disagree with this "no harm in looking" notion.

Perhaps if no-one notices you looking then you aren't harming anyone but if the young women being looked at notice it then I think it does do harm. Especially because this sort of behaviour is (unfortunately) not uncommon. Most young women I know hate being checked out by older men and it happens to them a lot. It makes them uncomfortable, nervous, angry, curtails what they do, wear, etc. It's out of fucking order.

And I think it is harmful to a couple if one half is frequently checking out really young women.

Can you imagine trying to have a decent conversation with your DH whilst they were having repeated glances at young women?

I'd be tempted to ask if he'd like me to shut up or leave so as to not get in the way of his little hobby.

Yuck.

It would be so much easier if I could say something there and then but we are usually out as a family and the last thing I want to do is draw attention to it. I did the first time it happened because I was so surprised! Subsequently the conversation gets stored up, which is not great either.

OP posts:
ganggangrosey · 30/11/2022 13:35

He is deeply attracted to young women too, so accept it or don't. Having endless conversations basically begging him not to look, when it's his natural inclination to do so, is embarrassing for you.

ganggangrosey · 30/11/2022 13:37

He is who he is

Original poster
occupationalhazard123 · 30/11/2022 13:38

ganggangrosey · 30/11/2022 13:35

He is deeply attracted to young women too, so accept it or don't. Having endless conversations basically begging him not to look, when it's his natural inclination to do so, is embarrassing for you.

Wow, I really don't think it's this either and there is no begging involved! I have known him for so long that I know beyond any doubt that he is not some kind of predator!

OP posts:
booboo24 · 30/11/2022 13:42

I think an absent minded glance does go up and down though, like I said above, I've caught myself doing it, I might look people up and down really quickly just taking in a nice outfit for example. I've seen my partner do it, it's a really quick glance as they walk past, not a conscious decsion to stare. If he's leering and slowly going up and down their bodies then that's a whole other story, but a quick glance, anything about them could have caught his eye.

Soothsayer1 · 30/11/2022 13:42

Of course he's attracted to younger women!!
younger people are more attractive, however most of us have got more self-awareness and dignity than to openly ogle them in the street.
If I was in your situation I would start ogling young men and making comments, look at him he's fit, ohhh what's a lovely muscular physique he's got etc see what he does then 🙂

Yarrawonga · 30/11/2022 13:48

You don't have to stare at the floor to avoid staring at young women's bodies.
Men are generally perfectly capable of managing not to do this when women are accompanied by their fathers or partners

The OP’s husband isn’t staring at young women’s bodies.

She said…

“He's not staring or ogling but certainly registers that they are there.”

ganggangrosey · 30/11/2022 13:49

So why are you so bothered about him repetitively glancing at them (which means he finds it hard to keep his eyes off them) if you don't think he is attracted to them? He's not a predator if they are in their twenties, no.
I just don't see the point as you can ask him to stop being disrespectful in front of you, but to not accept he is naturally like this is just cognitive dissonance.

Beachcomber · 30/11/2022 13:50

I can understand that you don't want to draw attention to it but the chances are that if it is a thing he is doing others will have noticed it anyway and may be feeling uncomfortable about it.

And it's a tricky thing to try to bring up later.

It's clearly bothering you as you started this thread. Personally I would call him out on it when he does it and ask him if he thinks it's appropriate behaviour. I would need him to react with honest self-awareness and stop.

ganggangrosey · 30/11/2022 13:50

Soothsayer1 · 30/11/2022 13:42

Of course he's attracted to younger women!!
younger people are more attractive, however most of us have got more self-awareness and dignity than to openly ogle them in the street.
If I was in your situation I would start ogling young men and making comments, look at him he's fit, ohhh what's a lovely muscular physique he's got etc see what he does then 🙂

Yep

5128gap · 30/11/2022 13:56

ganggangrosey · 30/11/2022 13:35

He is deeply attracted to young women too, so accept it or don't. Having endless conversations basically begging him not to look, when it's his natural inclination to do so, is embarrassing for you.

Well any man 'deeply attracted to young women' should take himself off and try and find one shouldn't he, rather than embarrass the woman he is fortunate enough to actually be with. Except odds are he wouldn't find one who would have him. So how about HE accepts himself for who HE is? An older man who is highly unlikely to be attractive to a woman young enough to be his daughter. Who's looks in their direction are not flattering or pleasant for them, so in the interests if all concerned he should control himself, or risk losing the woman he does have.
And there's nothing embarrassing about telling a man to stop creepy behaviour. Far more embarrassing to tolerate it.

Soothsayer1 · 30/11/2022 13:59

The only young attractive women who are interested in 50 + year old men are the ones looking to make a financial gain from them!

5128gap · 30/11/2022 14:00

Yarrawonga · 30/11/2022 13:48

You don't have to stare at the floor to avoid staring at young women's bodies.
Men are generally perfectly capable of managing not to do this when women are accompanied by their fathers or partners

The OP’s husband isn’t staring at young women’s bodies.

She said…

“He's not staring or ogling but certainly registers that they are there.”

No you're right. He's not staring or ogling he's just 'really noticeably' registering that young women in tight skirts or leggings are there, in a way that would be embarrassing if the women turned round and saw him.
So that's OK then.

Winter2020 · 30/11/2022 14:04

I think you didn't notice this behaviour when you were friends as he only had eyes for you then. Just remind him his eyes need to be back on you else he will find himself chucked.

SallyWD · 30/11/2022 14:08

As long as it's a quick glance I think it's fine. I clock attractive young men and I also look at attractive young women if I'm honest. I'm straight but I can't help noticing youthful beauty in men or women. I'd never stare or leer or look them up and down (I'm sure they'd be repulsed and my DH wouldn't be impressed!) but I'll have a quick glance or two.
People may find it "icky" but humans (especially men) are attracted to youth. Not to say you can't find someone of 60 or 70 gorgeous and sexy - of course you can!

Yarrawonga · 30/11/2022 14:09

No you're right. He's not staring or ogling he's just 'really noticeably' registering that young women in tight skirts or leggings are there, in a way that would be embarrassing if the women turned round and saw him.

Given that…

“Also he is not 'looking them up and down' when we're out, but the eye flicks back a few times”

Would they even notice, unless they were staring at him?