AIBU to be bothered by my husband looking at young women?

[occupationalhazard123]

We are both in our 50s have been together 5 years and married for 2. We have a great life, fantastic sex life and he is a wonderful step dad to my two girls. I have known him most of my life so I know who he is and what kind of person he is. I'm completely confident that he is a faithful man and not at all lecherous. I've never noticed him looking at women when we were friends but since we've been together I have noticed that if there is a young woman in a tight skirt or leggings I can be pretty sure he will take a look at some point. He's not staring or ogling but certainly registers that they are there. The first time it happened really noticeably I called him out on it and he denied it emphatically. We've had the same argument a few times and each time he tells me I am wrong and that he just generally looks around and sees everyone equally. He is really distracted by movement when we are out and it is true that he will be aware of what is going on at another table in a restaurant etc. When I have read threads like this before the responses are always to talk to him and tell him to stop. However, I don't know what to do if you raise the subject and he denies that it is happening! I think he genuinely believes this, but the problem is that I genuinely believe that he is doing it! I feel really embarrassed when it happens and know what everyone around us would think if they saw him. We are really happy together and have a good, honest relationship, but this one thing really bothers me. It is at the point where he knows I am watching him when we're out and it makes him feel on edge too, so we are both uncomfortable. AIBU about this? Should I just relax and accept that it is only a handful of times and is meaningless? Are there any men out there can put this into perspective for me?

He’s a man he probably can’t help looking at attractive women so i think you’ll have to get over it. Obviously if he’s holding a stare or blatantly checking out past a quick glance then there’s a problem but if not I think you’ll be hard pressed to find any straight man that doesn’t do this.

Just do the same so he can see what it’s like! Every time there is a fit 20 something male have a good ogle, extra bonus if you can drool a bit too 😂 he will soon realise.

Yes exactly we can all play that game lol.

No idea. Though women generally do. You can feel it and it makes you very self conscious. The OP is the one that's there and she seems to think so. I'm assuming that like most of us, she can make sense of and judge a situation accurately.

We all notice attractive people the reason he is staring isn't because he's a man it's because he has no self-awareness or manners

My DH works in a very male industry and he says all the blokes watch the attractive women walk down the office. He says all he can think about is what that would feel like if that were our 21 year old dd and he hates that they do it and tries to discourage it.

So it might be ‘normal’ but that doesn’t make it right or any less objectifying for the young women involved. Women posting that you are ‘controlling’ are just victims of internalised misogyny who will challenge any criticism of inappropriate male behaviour.

He is looking at them because he is attracted to them. If he doesn’t do the same to men, older women and children then yes it’s disrespectful and you’re right to be upset.

I notice attractive men and women. It's normal!

It's normal to notice but most of us are in control of our impulses and do not stare
in your situation I might lose control of my impulse to belt him one

I'll say it again...they can all help it when the woman in question is with a man. Especially a big scary looking one. If they can rein it in from fear of other men, they can rein it on from respect for women.

I am same age as you and I am normally also aware of people around me.
And certainly will look at attractive people - male or female. Once, twice? Who knows - I don’t count. But I am not imagining having sex with them 🤷🏻‍♀️

You say you know him, he isn’t ogling, you have great sex life, etc.
Why make such a point over it?
It does come out as a combination of self
esteem issues and being controlling - but in a completely unnecessary way.
He is a good partner - so why make up reasons to create issues and tension?

No idea. Though women generally do. You can feel it and it makes you very self conscious

Unless it’s very obvious, I don’t. My husband notices it more than me.

I completely agree with this. My point before was that if it upsets OP that much (and who can really blame her feelings whether right or wrong); she is better off with a man like your DH who empathises with the young women and naturally doesn't want to keep looking at them, as he imagines it must make them uncomfortable and he sees it as ick because they are his daughters age and prefers not to look at women that age in "that" way.

You can have all the conversations you want and tell him it bothers you, but the best you'll get is him not doing it in front of you (which may suffice for you), but deep down that is who he is and who he is naturally attracted to and can't help but to keep looking at.

5128gap · Today 12:14

I don't think you're over reacting. If its obvious enough for you to notice it's obvious enough for other people to notice, including the young women, which is unpleasant for them and embarrassing for him (and you for being with a man who does it.) It's nothing to do with being jealous or controlling, it's simply that having been a young woman (and indeed an older one who still gets this) some of us consider it really annoying ti be on the receiving end. It makes you self conscious and you either laugh at the man, or are disgusted at him. Neither of which most of us would want directed at our partner.
As for not realising he does it, well he's just going to have to start paying attention isn't he? It's funny how they're capable of not staring when its aggressive looking men who might be spoiling for a fight, but somehow lose the ability when it's a young woman's arse.
Tell him that you're not a fool, you're not imagining things, and if he wasn't doing it you'd have nothing to complain about, so he needs to control himself.

This.

This is deliberate, and he's attracted and lusting over whatever it is he is looking at.

It's disrespectful to you that he can't control his urges.

I think you are overreacting a bit especially if you know he is quite distracted by what’s going on around him. It’s pretty natural to look at attractive people - I know I do it, and I’ve seen DH do it!

So you do look around and you do clock who is attractive...but if they catch your eye you look away. Is that exactly what this bloke is doing? Noticing good looking women and then not staring or being generally creepy. People notice attractive people. People look for a tad longer at attractive people. Why? BECAUSE THEY ARE ATTRACTIVE. Attractive people attract. The clue is in the name

I said I did that if I was single. The OP is married

Hi OP, I’m 30 and have been with my oh for almost 10 years. I’m usually on the receiving end of a lot of stares of an evening if dressed up. And he still glances at other women, has done for years. And he says almost the exact same thing your husband does! “I just look about in general”

I’ve just learned to let it go. Life is too short and I honestly think some men can’t help it. Unless he’s looking at underage girls or flat out gawping like a total pervert I think it’s (sadly) very common if it’s just a glance, and there isn’t any point in arguing over it. Don’t be shy in staring at any hot young men you see in his company though. You’re just looking around like he does remember 😉

If they can rein it in from fear of other men, they can rein it on from respect for women
the man will push back, might thump him
the woman wont push back and wont thump him, or if she does he can easily make her regret it
that's the dynamics of the situation

If they can rein it in from fear of other men

What are they reigning in? Do straight men check out other men?

People are saying that men can't help looking at women. I'm saying that they manage to do it well enough when the women in question are with men, because presumably they don't want to risk the other man getting annoyed about it.
I wonder how many of the men who 'can't help themselves' look at young women in front of those women's fathers?

Boak

He's not a predator if they are in their twenties, no.

Say what?

Yeah good point I meant peadophile!

I for one find that icky . Early 20s ? I know plenty of girls under 18 who look early 20s …. I know when I was 15 I looked older and there were men that age looking , it’s was horrible , made me uncomfortable and I felt sorry for their wives.
That’s just creepy for a 50 yr old man to be doing that imo
i agree with 5128 here , tell him your no fool .