AIBU to be bothered by my husband looking at young women?

[occupationalhazard123]

We are both in our 50s have been together 5 years and married for 2. We have a great life, fantastic sex life and he is a wonderful step dad to my two girls. I have known him most of my life so I know who he is and what kind of person he is. I'm completely confident that he is a faithful man and not at all lecherous. I've never noticed him looking at women when we were friends but since we've been together I have noticed that if there is a young woman in a tight skirt or leggings I can be pretty sure he will take a look at some point. He's not staring or ogling but certainly registers that they are there. The first time it happened really noticeably I called him out on it and he denied it emphatically. We've had the same argument a few times and each time he tells me I am wrong and that he just generally looks around and sees everyone equally. He is really distracted by movement when we are out and it is true that he will be aware of what is going on at another table in a restaurant etc. When I have read threads like this before the responses are always to talk to him and tell him to stop. However, I don't know what to do if you raise the subject and he denies that it is happening! I think he genuinely believes this, but the problem is that I genuinely believe that he is doing it! I feel really embarrassed when it happens and know what everyone around us would think if they saw him. We are really happy together and have a good, honest relationship, but this one thing really bothers me. It is at the point where he knows I am watching him when we're out and it makes him feel on edge too, so we are both uncomfortable. AIBU about this? Should I just relax and accept that it is only a handful of times and is meaningless? Are there any men out there can put this into perspective for me?

If it’s a quick glance (which it sounds like it is) it wouldn’t bother me. My ex used to to stare like a Randy dog, it was so off putting.

@StarDolphins It's a glance, then another glance and then another glance. It just seems so in appropriate. Look once or twice at everyone by all means but any more times makes me feel like he can't take his eyes off and is trying not to stare but just clocking up the glances.

I agree with you OP. He can look at other women on his own time. It’s rude to do it when you are with your partner.

Oh for god's sake

You can't expect people to stare at the floor when they're walking about where people are around. As long as he's not ogling or being revolting, it's a non issue.

This reminds me of my ex who got upset with me for saying goodbye to a male colleague outside of work.

Get a grip. 🙄

Ok, see that’s deliberate. That’s just not on.

@dolor it's really not quite the same as saying goodbye to a colleague!

Are you worried that he's attracted to your daughters or their female friend's?

My partner does this. Has put me off going anywhere with him. So embarrassing for all involved. He also denies it 🙄

A quick glance is fine tbh, I notice attractive men and women out and about as does my husband I’m sure!

He is really distracted by movement when we are out

😅 He's not a baby ffs. Does he 'look' at older women, the general public, men walking by etc in the same way? Or is he looking the younger women up and down?

You don't have to stare at the floor to avoid staring at young women's bodies.
Men are generally perfectly capable of managing not to do this when women are accompanied by their fathers or partners, so all that's required is to excercise the same level of restraint at all other times.

This I would have an issue with. The comments would make me feel like shit. But just a glance here and there no matter what the age (as long as they're not underage!) I wouldn't get worked up about.

I'll admire attractive young women in the street or at restaurants. Same with me if they're dressed nicely. Doesn't mean I want to cheat with anyone or be with a younger more attractive partner.

Also I admittedly stare (and secretly judge) if someone is dressed a bit 'scantily clad' shall I say. Perhaps he's just doing that as well? A lot of the fashion these days that younger women in their early 20's wear is a bit risqué (fuck I feel old saying that 😂). Tiny tops with boobs falling out, cut tiny skirts and dresses. I will catch myself staring, but not in a good way lol

Agree op, mulitple glances at the same person, indicates more than an interest in your surroundings, something has caught his eye and he keeps looking.
I had an ex like this, he also used to deny it was happening, the gaslighting really made me question myself, it's not a nice feeling.

Same with men I meant

I think this sounds like awful behaviour.

My DH is early 50s and I would find it creepy, inappropriate and unpleasant if he looked women young enough to be our DDs up and down.
I really dislike this sort of thing as I know how much my DDs dislike feeling that some men seem to think that young women going about their business are somehow public property and their bodies are there for the entitled enjoyment of any older bloke who wants a bit of eye candy entertainment to sex up his day.

Yuck.

It's also rude and disrespectful to you but the main thing that would bother me is that it's creepy (and shows lack of self-awareness) and that would put me right off.
How awful if these young women notice him eyeing them up and either feel uncomfortable or pissed off.

I would find it pretty off putting if the women were my age but disgusting if they were my kids ages.

Surely most grown ups know that if they fancy the look of someone young enough to be their child, the appropriate thing to do is not show any sign of it.

It's possible he's not even conscious of looking at them. The subconscious mind can focus on people, they probably don't even need to be attractive and then zone out looking at them for longer than normal. There's probably a technical term for it , which I don't know!

Thanks for all of your replies - I am really conflicted. I am definitely not concerned about him looking at daughters, god daughter or their friends etc. I am really confident that he is not that kind of man. Also he is not 'looking them up and down' when we're out, but the eye flicks back a few times. As one person says, I may be noticing this more when it is a young woman. I want to be relaxed about it but can't help it bothering me when I notice someone that fits the brief and then look at him and see that he is looking. I just think that a glance is enough and it's inappropriate to do it again (or again), but if he won't acknowledge that he does it how can we have a sensible conversation!?

It’s difficult to know without actually seeing him do it. Often it’s the difference of seconds or his gaze sliding off yours to take a quick look at a woman walking past. I get it but I also feel for your DH because I also do it to both attractive men and women. Sometimes it’s less about them being attractive and I’ll be distracted by their outfit or if they are wearing very revealing clothes I can’t help but glance over.

My DH teases me when he notices but although he has admitted that he does check out attractive women I have never once caught him doing it. I suppose some people are better at it than others.

I think most men prefer the aesthetics of women this age. It is what it is.

I wouldn't be looking at young men young enough to be my son like that. It's vile, but that's the difference between most men and women.

How embarrassing for you to have someone who repeatedly glances at them too. If he didn't do it when you were just friends, why would he start now? The fact that he can't help himself is disgusting. See what kind of porn he watches that will give you a sense of who and what he truly desires.

He must look at your daughters and their friends like that. If they thought they could get women that age most of them would.

I have had men behave totally inappropriate towards me when their significant others have been standing there. I have been furious and see them as abusive me trying to abuse their wives using me.

🙄 controlling?! For feeling a feeling and expecting her partner not to look at other women?! What’s the world coming to.

op, I think it sounds as though he does notice, but that’s it, I don’t think it sounds as if he’s staring or making it obvious. If I see an attractive man around I do notice, but that’s it, I notice and then walk on by and don’t think anymore of it, because I fancy and love my partner, I think it sounds like your partner is much the same and it’s nothing to worry about.

The thing which would bother me the most is that he's looking at yoing ladies 3 times and then denying it. It's like he feels guilty

If I see a woman with a nice arse I always have a look and sometimes point it out to my DH as he's an arse man

No harm in looking

It's normal for men to look. He's not being disrespectful by ogling or staring. Not being able to relax when you're out with him will drive you bonkers and him away.
Does he compliement you? Why are you so down on yourself?

God responses like these are depressing.

The bar for male behaviour is in hell, no wonder if women like you exist.

An old man creepily starting at women to a point where it's noticeable is icky as hell.

Let's leave this kind of cute and excusing men like this behind maybe. Eww.

I think you need to have a conversation where you tell him you have seen him do it. When he denies it, don't be fobbed off. Simply repeat that you have seen it and you don't find it acceptable behaviour.
Acknowledge he may be doing it subconsciously if you like (though personally I find that a cop out. As I said, they don't 'subconsciously' do it if it could get them a slap from an irate partner or father) and ask that he becomes more aware of his behaviour.
Ultimately its up to you how serious this is for you as that might be anything from mild annoyance to a complete deal breaker. If its the latter, make that clear too.
I don't think the onset is to do with becoming a couple rather than friends BTW. I think its more likely an age thing. I've known a few men, including a good friend who was once the most respectful and decent of guys, suddenly start this as they hit mid life.
It would be interesting to know why (and young women being a nicer aesthetic doesn't explain it, as they didn't leer at them when they were young themselves) but they rarely admit it, so you can't ask.