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Original poster

No affection or intimacy.. dying inside

143 replies

StayorrGo · 28/11/2022 22:24

Regular poster, name changed.

I am mid 30s, married with DC. My DH does not touch me. No kisses, no hugs, nothing. When I go to touch him he shrugs me away. It is soul destroying. We have had lots of talks about it and he says he doesn't know why he doesn't have the urge to be affectionate anymore (last few years). I have cried and begged and seen no improvement.

The sex has dwindled to every few months. I feel I'm at my sexual peak and wasting my best years.

Physical touch is my love language and I honestly feel like I'm starving.

I am ashamed to say I have recently met someone who is making me feel adored and tells me how attractive I am etc. I did not want to step outside my marriage but the feeling is so good after years of nothingness. He hugs me and I could cry from the release it gives me.

I am deeply unhappy and don't know what to do. I don't want to break up my family but I know I can't go on like this.

OP posts:
Spoodee · 28/11/2022 22:25

Leave him.
Don't cheat.

Leave first, THEN be happy.

Spellcheck · 28/11/2022 22:29

What Spoodee said. Please leave first - don't have an affair! Tell him why you're leaving but not about the other person - they're not actually the reason you're unhappy in the marriage. Try and keep things jolly for the children.
Time to get things in order, finances etc. You deserve to be happy.

britneyisfree · 28/11/2022 22:29

Do what you need to do. Sad

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/11/2022 22:32

What marriage? It’s dead and needs to be buried. You’ve got ample reason to call time on the sham and leave. Don’t cheat more than you have, it’ll end ij tears. Tell the other bloke you won’t see or speak to him until you’re divorced then file for divorce and start your new life.

MMmomDD · 28/11/2022 22:34

Your marriage is broken, and is over in all ways, but paperwork. At mid 30s - with no sex - this isn’t a marriage.

So - personally I won’t blame you for doing whatever it is that you want to do with that other guy.
I’d treat these as two separate issues:
…Issue one - do you want to stay in a child/rearing partnership with H. Recognising that the physical side will have to be outsourced.
…Issue two - is the guy a solution to the short term issue of no sex, or is this an actual connection that can become more.

Good luck! You will figure it out.

Potatomashed · 28/11/2022 22:37

I have some insight into this OP but the phase always ends after a year or so for me. I don’t think it’s the wrong thing to leave in this situation, you will only mess up your kids if you show animosity/disrespect towards him as their parent later on. My friend grew up in a house where her parents weren’t affectionate and has huge guilt that they split when she left home, like they stayed together for her.

however I would always check that I could honestly say to my children when they are old enough to understand more, that I had tried everything. Counselling for self, for him, together. Changing my behaviour (if I start only saying positive things about DH, even when he’s not around, something weird changes!). Also, old school and totally not the work thing to read now but have you read men are from mars women are from Venus? Its a bit outdated but really was eye opening for me understanding elements of my relationship.

You deserve to be happy and I hope you find it ❤️

HelpMeCope85 · 28/11/2022 22:42

i would step away from an affair and start to focus on yourself. I really think you need to get therapy and get yourself in a better place mentally. I say this from experience as someone who is going through the same as you OP. I’ve decided to let my H be who is (for now) and get myself in a strong place of self worth, live my life - I don’t want another relationship I just want to be strong know my self worth. I want to focus on me and then I’ll work out what to do.

josuk · 28/11/2022 22:55

Not sure what work OP needs to do on her self, really.
She knows her self worth. She is a young woman with normal physical needs.

Her H checked out and doesn’t appear to want to work on his side of things. Maybe it’s a medical issue, maybe he is not into sex and pretended before. It hardly matters anymore.

There isn’t anything OP needs to fix in herself. If she has Dec with someone else - and isn’t as deprived of physical affection - she may actually be clearer on what she wants from life.

Original poster
StayorrGo · 28/11/2022 22:57

Is it selfish of me though to break up our family over my needs? He is an amazing dad, fantastic around the home, and we have lovely family days out together. But between the two of us it's so rubbish. We barely speak, it's transactional.

I suppose the excitement of this other person has made me realise what I'm missing and what I could have - not with him just generally in a new loving relationship.

OP posts:
C1N1C · 28/11/2022 22:58

I disagree with the others (shame on you).

I could have written your post myself... my wife has depression and blames the low sex drive and virtually zero tactile attitude on this and her nationality (not brought up that way)... and yes, like you I hate it... to be turned away every day with hugs and kisses, sex once a month VERY reluctantly, "fine, let's get it over with" sort of attititude despite enjoying it in the moment.... but as a man I'd be called a sex pest for pushing, the 'r-word' would be used if I said she wasnt keen, if I begged and cried because I wasn't getting it that would be deemed emotional manipulation and these would all be red flags! I'd be called vile and a creep I'd I even hinted at straying... Nice double standards here.

But I'm faithful... it kills me every day not to have any form of tactile affection... it is something I have learned to live with because there is more to my wife than this!

So your casanova, who may be a lovely guy, but at the moment is a fantasy, is not the way to go! What do you know about him??? Is he a good father, good with money, good with people, does he have all the wonderful qualities of a partner... or is he just sending you the "Hey babe, come into my arms, I'll make you feel loved" BS?! Vulnerable lady in need of affection... he's a predator if he's even hugged you... what sort of decent guy does that to a married woman???

Sort our your marriage... the grass is not greener... you're being tempted by lust.

The ladies above saying leave then cheat... it's still cheating. Your eyes are wandering and your bodily urges are elsewhere. Work out what you have, and work out what you don't have... weigh them. Life sucks. We don't always get what we want... but if we keep looking for the unicorn we never truly appreciate what we have.

And if all my female friends are to be believed "if he's single at that she, there's something wrong with him"...

somethingslastforever · 28/11/2022 22:59

It is not selfish to want to be happy OP, you can't spend the rest of your life feeling like you do because you don't want to break up your family. Your DH obviously doesn't feel the same or he'd make some form of an effort imo.

plusk · 28/11/2022 23:00

Why are you crying, begging and wasting your time?

you talked, your husband is not interested in making any changes, he does not care about how you feel!
you should already be divorcing him and not cry for nothing.

somethingslastforever · 28/11/2022 23:02

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
StayorrGo · 28/11/2022 23:07

C1N1C · 28/11/2022 22:58

I disagree with the others (shame on you).

I could have written your post myself... my wife has depression and blames the low sex drive and virtually zero tactile attitude on this and her nationality (not brought up that way)... and yes, like you I hate it... to be turned away every day with hugs and kisses, sex once a month VERY reluctantly, "fine, let's get it over with" sort of attititude despite enjoying it in the moment.... but as a man I'd be called a sex pest for pushing, the 'r-word' would be used if I said she wasnt keen, if I begged and cried because I wasn't getting it that would be deemed emotional manipulation and these would all be red flags! I'd be called vile and a creep I'd I even hinted at straying... Nice double standards here.

But I'm faithful... it kills me every day not to have any form of tactile affection... it is something I have learned to live with because there is more to my wife than this!

So your casanova, who may be a lovely guy, but at the moment is a fantasy, is not the way to go! What do you know about him??? Is he a good father, good with money, good with people, does he have all the wonderful qualities of a partner... or is he just sending you the "Hey babe, come into my arms, I'll make you feel loved" BS?! Vulnerable lady in need of affection... he's a predator if he's even hugged you... what sort of decent guy does that to a married woman???

Sort our your marriage... the grass is not greener... you're being tempted by lust.

The ladies above saying leave then cheat... it's still cheating. Your eyes are wandering and your bodily urges are elsewhere. Work out what you have, and work out what you don't have... weigh them. Life sucks. We don't always get what we want... but if we keep looking for the unicorn we never truly appreciate what we have.

And if all my female friends are to be believed "if he's single at that she, there's something wrong with him"...

I'll be honest I don't care if this other man is a good person, father, has morals etc. He is giving me what I've spent the last few years begging for. He is meeting my physical and emotional needs. Because my own husband has actively chosen to stop doing so. I know it's wrong, I really do but yes I am vulnerable and so it was inevitable.

OP posts:
HelpMeCope85 · 28/11/2022 23:07

I say work on yourself cos the guy you’re going to cheat with isn’t the answer. You need to be strong if you’re going to leave a marriage,

silverclock222 · 28/11/2022 23:13

Ah so you're already cheating then. No sympathy here.

Original poster
StayorrGo · 28/11/2022 23:15

silverclock222 · 28/11/2022 23:13

Ah so you're already cheating then. No sympathy here.

No we haven't been physical. But the danger is there I recognise that. Which is why I'm asking for help.

OP posts:
7eleven · 28/11/2022 23:15

If you’re looking for permission to cheat on your husband, you’re not going to get it from most people. You can’t have your cake and eat it. It’s disrespectful. End your marriage if it’s not right for you. The inevitable fall out from an affair will affect your children. Don’t kid yourself.

plusk · 28/11/2022 23:17

7eleven · 28/11/2022 23:15

If you’re looking for permission to cheat on your husband, you’re not going to get it from most people. You can’t have your cake and eat it. It’s disrespectful. End your marriage if it’s not right for you. The inevitable fall out from an affair will affect your children. Don’t kid yourself.

I agree wholeheartedly.
OP needs to take responsibility fir her life.

Original poster
StayorrGo · 28/11/2022 23:19

Perhaps I wasn't clear in my OP, I haven't cheated with the other person. We have become close but I have not cheated and do not want an affair but I can see how it can happen in situations such as these.

OP posts:
Maze76 · 28/11/2022 23:20

I suggest a trial separation so both you and your husband can figure out what it is you both want and need.
Cheating is not the way forward, if anything it will just muddy the waters and make things worse.
Time apart will force you and your husband to really think about the health of your marriage.
Who knows you might really miss each other and that might kick start the intimacy.. I think it’s worth considering

josuk · 28/11/2022 23:22

OP - you are already strong. You know what you are missing in your relationship and you tried to solve it with your H.
That solution didn’t work.
So the other guy is just that - a solution to lack of sex issue.

If you were fantasising about having a happy little family with him - THAT would be worrying, and I’d say - give yourself a shake.
But as it is - you just need to solve your short term physical deficit.

Plenty of people have these - ‘exit affairs’ - something that helps you make up your mind to act.
And no - it’s not selfish to want to have sex.

i guess you could ask your H if he is OK with opening up your marriage. But in reality most people can’t really deal with that knowledge. And many people with no libido would prefer their partners would sort themselves out somehow without wanting sex from them.

OldFan · 28/11/2022 23:34

Sort our your marriage... the grass is not greener... you're being tempted by lust.

This is kind of refreshing to hear TBH, unless OP really did marry someone who wasn't the person she thought he was.

OldFan · 28/11/2022 23:36

Plenty of people have these - ‘exit affairs’ - something that helps you make up your mind to act.

Yes but it's not the best thing to do. That other people do it doesn't make it ok.

Original poster
StayorrGo · 28/11/2022 23:38

OldFan · 28/11/2022 23:34

Sort our your marriage... the grass is not greener... you're being tempted by lust.

This is kind of refreshing to hear TBH, unless OP really did marry someone who wasn't the person she thought he was.

He is unrecognisable from the person I married. If someone would have told me this would be my life now I would have run a mile. I like kissing and holding hands and cuddling up. I don't like being pushed away and told to grow up for wanting affection.

OP posts: