No affection or intimacy.. dying inside

[StayorrGo]

Regular poster, name changed.

I am mid 30s, married with DC. My DH does not touch me. No kisses, no hugs, nothing. When I go to touch him he shrugs me away. It is soul destroying. We have had lots of talks about it and he says he doesn't know why he doesn't have the urge to be affectionate anymore (last few years). I have cried and begged and seen no improvement.

The sex has dwindled to every few months. I feel I'm at my sexual peak and wasting my best years.

Physical touch is my love language and I honestly feel like I'm starving.

I am ashamed to say I have recently met someone who is making me feel adored and tells me how attractive I am etc. I did not want to step outside my marriage but the feeling is so good after years of nothingness. He hugs me and I could cry from the release it gives me.

I am deeply unhappy and don't know what to do. I don't want to break up my family but I know I can't go on like this.

I'm in this situation, fortunately not married, but without another person. I'm leaving as soon as I can. It is truly soul destroying. I feel so unutterably sad and hopeless and alone. We deserve more OP.

Does anyone know how to send a PM on this site? I used to be able to do it but can’t now for some reason.

@jsku

Opps - pinged the wrong link.
I wanted to ask - did any of your friends judge you - but not actually said it?
I do wonder sometimes.
I think - as we get older - some of my friends are becoming more open minded, but other are the other way around.

At mid-30s though - most were probably more black/while in our thinking. I was probably as well

@Fullofregret123 or anyone really

I am happy to talk to anyone, really. I realise my outlook at life isn’t the same as many of the very vocal people here.
But if it can help anyone at all - that would be great.

I was so unhappy and so lonely for a long time. I was a bit older than OP, so that made my decision different in a way.
And then when I chose my path - I didn’t have anyone to share it with. I did think I would be judged.
But as it turned out - it wasn’t like that. My closest friends saw what my relationship with my exH was. And they knew me, from before it all anyway.

I used a similar site to @jsku probably and really couldn't care less what anyone else thinks or thought. It did work well for me but I honestly think just leaving is better unless there are other factors (cultural, financial, even age I guess - why bother at a certain point?)

If you do want to talk about that more I am also happy to pm but honestly (and I talked to a lot of people on that site over the years) leaving is mentally healthier for you if you can

Oh leave him. You’re only mid 30s, he can’t expect you to stay in a relationship that doesn’t exist. He can still be a good father and you can be free to find someone who actually loves and desires you.

Oh gee, maybe that’s because men and women aren’t the same and chances are she’s already doing the majority of both those things? 🙄

You are taking out your own frustrations on the Op. It's clear from your post that you're angry. And rightfully so. But you don't need to stay with your wife, it sounds horrendous. You only live once, why are you putting up with this?😳

The Op doesn't have any "cake" though.

Even if she slept with the new guy, she'd still only be sleeping with one person, FGS, because her DH is dead from the waist down.

You only live once, why are you putting up with this?

Some people believe in marriage being for life. And C1NIC says his wife has other qualities anyway.

More fool them. One life and they’re willing to sacrifice it for some man-made concept?! Fuck that.

I was where you are and I tried to make it work for 4 year before I asked for a divorce 2 years ago. I knew I may never find what I was looking for but definitely wouldn’t have it if we had still remained married. I tried to keep it together for my young DD but I couldn’t cope with the misery and emotional isolation. Life is much better on the other side and I have no regrets.

In the 10 yrs there was no intimacy it wasn’t about sex and I never thought about having an affair, it was about having a cuddle, that was what I really wanted. If a man doesn’t want sex why can’t he just cuddle me, is a hug too much to ask after 30 yrs of marriage.

More fool them. One life and they’re willing to sacrifice it for some man-made concept?! Fuck that.

The whole 'look after number one' thing is overrated in our culture. Some people prioritise others, or their moral/ethical standards of how they believe people should honour their marriage vows.

@ArcticSkewer

I agree. In the long term - divorce was the best thing. But it’s often a timing thing.
By the time I got to the really unhappy stage of not being able to take it - I wasn’t ready for the practicalities of divorce - couldn’t support myself, and I thought my kids need to be a bit older to be able to get thought it.
A child psychologist told me - it’s easiest if kids are small, or older. Mine were in the middle.
So - I needed to wait for them to grow up a bit and for me to be at a better place to deal with divorce - both fall out and practicalities.

So - I didn’t want an affair - didn’t need to meet and get close to someone that would threaten my plan. I just needed a friendly person in similar circumstances, who I could I occasionally have sex with.
To keep sane, to try to remember who I was.
And - that worked and it was what I needed.
I was in my 40s then.

I was in my 50s and the children had left home, life was just empty, nothing, so I left

@OldFan
‘The whole 'look after number one' thing is overrated in our culture. Some people prioritise others, or their moral/ethical standards of how they believe people should honour their marriage vows.’

And in your opinion - how is OP’s H honouring his marriage vows? How is he prioritising others - specifically his wife?
Who is HE looking after?

Is our culture - martyr oneself. When abused - turn the other cheek to be more abused?

So have you worked on your marriage and resolved the lack of intimacy issues or are you now resigned to the situation as is?

Could he possibly be gay?

@Cantstandbullshit

I'd rather die than cheat... and looking is cheating.

Many women on here have claimed their sex drives have declined since kids, hitting a certain age, hitting menopause, or for no reason at all etc etc and men (including myself) have been slammed for saying they're unhappy... called sex pests etc, women are not there to be at men's beck and call for dipping their wick... we're told to be supportive, ride it out, after all, there's more to a woman than sex!
I'm simply pointing out the double standards. One comes in here and says she is facing a similar situation to me and it's divorce him, you need to enjoy life, he's clearly cheating.

Imagine the hate any man would get if they said "we've been married four years, have a daughter of two, and my wife has stopped putting out... I'm now looking at my hot secretary as she's giving me attention" Pretty much an IDENTICAL situation, roles reversed but that comment would get absolutely slammed!..

I know exactly what you’re going through, I’m in a similar situation. PM me if you want talk things through x

@C1N1C

All for equality, of course. However - my uterus has carried two kids; my stomach has been cut out to get them; my boobs were used for feeding; my hormones do a wild dance on and off.
So yes - my libido had fluctuated. For a reason.

This is a man who is in mid 30s. And married OP pretending to be a sexual person. Now he is either just behaving as he normally would - as an asexual. OR he is getting his weds met somewhere else in some other way he prefers.
Decline in his libido isn’t related to any obvious relatable/excusable reasons.

As to your marriage - I’d tell you exactly the same as I’d tell the OP. One person unilaterally enforcing celibacy on a couple - is not right. If I lost ability to have sex and actually loved my partner - and he wanted to stay with me - I’ll open up our relationship. Why would I want to do that to someone I love - it’s torture and abuse to deprive them of their sexual needs.
It is simple, really.

@C1N1C Such a man response. She clearly said its not just about sex, it's also and primarily about affection. But nicely twisted. Also, she's not you. You be happy and carry on in your affectionless marriage, doesn't mean she has to.

I agree. In the long term - divorce was the best thing. But it’s often a timing thing.
By the time I got to the really unhappy stage of not being able to take it - I wasn’t ready for the practicalities of divorce - couldn’t support myself, and I thought my kids need to be a bit older to be able to get thought it.
A child psychologist told me - it’s easiest if kids are small, or older. Mine were in the middle.
So - I needed to wait for them to grow up a bit and for me to be at a better place to deal with divorce - both fall out and practicalities.

Jsku Can I ask how old your youngest child was when you divorced?

I actually don't think it's fair for anyone to be in a sexless relationship man or woman. It only works if both parties are happy with it which they rarely are. I would set my partner free if I wasn't willing to have sex as it's very important to him