Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

No affection or intimacy.. dying inside

143 replies

StayorrGo · 28/11/2022 22:24

Regular poster, name changed.

I am mid 30s, married with DC. My DH does not touch me. No kisses, no hugs, nothing. When I go to touch him he shrugs me away. It is soul destroying. We have had lots of talks about it and he says he doesn't know why he doesn't have the urge to be affectionate anymore (last few years). I have cried and begged and seen no improvement.

The sex has dwindled to every few months. I feel I'm at my sexual peak and wasting my best years.

Physical touch is my love language and I honestly feel like I'm starving.

I am ashamed to say I have recently met someone who is making me feel adored and tells me how attractive I am etc. I did not want to step outside my marriage but the feeling is so good after years of nothingness. He hugs me and I could cry from the release it gives me.

I am deeply unhappy and don't know what to do. I don't want to break up my family but I know I can't go on like this.

OP posts:

JustKittenAround · 01/12/2022 06:47

@C1N1C

You seem really focused on the sex act… which is expected …

But what about just plain intimacy ? Where physicality isn’t meant to go anywhere? Just the embrace and the closeness of a partner? The intimacy of a hug, a cuddle, the feeling of your partner lovingly placing a hand on you while you both fall asleep? The comfort of it?

OP you deserve this. To want it and not have it from a partner is a torture that is miles higher than just being “alone.”

physicality is important and women often are the ones to go without. We are socially conditioned too in many ways.

Don’t cheat. It’ll make leaving harder and bottom line if he isn’t going to work on making you happy then you gotta go. It’s sad, but I swear you’ll leave one way or the other. Better to do this as early and honorable as possible.

because it’s not all about sex, and frankly sex is important. You deserve a wonderful physical connection or at least to be able to seek that. Every day you beg for a hug or whatever it is you want is a day you’re diminishing yourself.

Don’t cheat but go ahead and leave. Women are told to not value physical things, but F that!

JustKittenAround · 01/12/2022 06:54

MamaFirst · 29/11/2022 19:52

@C1N1C Such a man response. She clearly said its not just about sex, it's also and primarily about affection. But nicely twisted. Also, she's not you. You be happy and carry on in your affectionless marriage, doesn't mean she has to.

Oh snap! I missed this response! Spot on!!!!!

Original poster

StayorrGo · 01/12/2022 11:07

I just want to thank everyone for your advice on my post so far. I am in emotional turmoil and reading the replies is painful but I think it's what I need to hear and I know in my heart I can't continue living this life.

OP posts:

layladomino · 01/12/2022 12:55

I feel for you Op.

For whatever reason, your husband has changed and refuses you any intimacy, affection, sexual closeness. This is bad enough in itself. But if he was willing to try to understand why, and to work on regaining what you had before, it might be salvageable.

However he's showing you that he doesn't care this is hurting you. He calls you childish for wanting affection. He won't even try to hug you (which wouldn't hurt him at all) without showing you he doesn't like it. Not only does he not care how hurtful this is for you, he goes out of his way to show you that he doesn't want any touch or intimacy.

His total lack of care for your feelings is even worse than the lack of affection and intimacy. He simply doesn't care.

You have one life. You deserve to feel loved in your own home. You won't get that with your DH. Why stay with someone who is so mismatched and who doesn't give a jot about your feelings?

Bonbon34343 · 01/12/2022 19:55

How are you doing op?

I divorced a bit earlier than I planned - due to other circumstances - and now a few years out of my marriage. No regrets.
Don’t wish I left earlier - kids benefited from a full family in their formative years.
I wasn’t frustrated with lack of sex, so was a better, happier person. It even gave me strength to try a bit harder at my marriage.
Didn’t work as we were too different and broken.

jsku it sounds as if you found a way to be at least (semi) happy. In an ideal world, I would love somone to offer what it sounds as if op is receiving - some attention at least but I know, it wouldn't be as easy as it sounds as I would be hugely prone to guilt. Plus, I've got lots of work to do on shoring up myself.

Things haven't been right for a while, especially not on an emotional level. I also feel very sad inside. Unfortunately, I'm not ready to make the change I need to - my dc are in the middle age wise, I need to work on myself and it feels very much like the wrong time. It doesn't stop the yearning for something more and I can see why op might be prone to affection and attention.

Lots of exit affairs happen. I couldn't understand it before. I can now unfortunately. It's all too soon for me, given the above. And, actually, it is reassuring to hear other women waiting around for their children to be a bit older and feeling like it was the right decision.

How are you doing with all of this now op?

Bonbon34343 · 01/12/2022 20:59

Sorry, missed that you had already posted today op.

pocketvenuss · 01/12/2022 22:36

C1N1C · 28/11/2022 22:58

I disagree with the others (shame on you).

I could have written your post myself... my wife has depression and blames the low sex drive and virtually zero tactile attitude on this and her nationality (not brought up that way)... and yes, like you I hate it... to be turned away every day with hugs and kisses, sex once a month VERY reluctantly, "fine, let's get it over with" sort of attititude despite enjoying it in the moment.... but as a man I'd be called a sex pest for pushing, the 'r-word' would be used if I said she wasnt keen, if I begged and cried because I wasn't getting it that would be deemed emotional manipulation and these would all be red flags! I'd be called vile and a creep I'd I even hinted at straying... Nice double standards here.

But I'm faithful... it kills me every day not to have any form of tactile affection... it is something I have learned to live with because there is more to my wife than this!

So your casanova, who may be a lovely guy, but at the moment is a fantasy, is not the way to go! What do you know about him??? Is he a good father, good with money, good with people, does he have all the wonderful qualities of a partner... or is he just sending you the "Hey babe, come into my arms, I'll make you feel loved" BS?! Vulnerable lady in need of affection... he's a predator if he's even hugged you... what sort of decent guy does that to a married woman???

Sort our your marriage... the grass is not greener... you're being tempted by lust.

The ladies above saying leave then cheat... it's still cheating. Your eyes are wandering and your bodily urges are elsewhere. Work out what you have, and work out what you don't have... weigh them. Life sucks. We don't always get what we want... but if we keep looking for the unicorn we never truly appreciate what we have.

And if all my female friends are to be believed "if he's single at that she, there's something wrong with him"...

If she turns away from even your hugs, she doesn't love you. Seriously dude. Take a look at yourself. She's rejecting everything physical and affectionate about and from you. This is no marriage.

CannonCaboodle · 03/12/2022 11:23

How are you doing, OP?

jsku · 03/12/2022 12:24

@Bonbon34343

I remember the sadness. I remember waking up one morning - several years before divorce actually happened with realisation/certainly that one day we won’t be together. But then of course - daily life started and I snapped back to my day to day routine.

I think if you are certain that you will go your separate way one day - you can use the time now to plan how it may look. Sorting out financial side is important - because most women’s lives become harder post divorce. And if there is anything you can do to mitigate it now - do it.
Then there is a social side. We tend to be quite wrapped up in our kids, we forget to nurture our own lives. As kids start growing up - do try to resurrect your friendships; hobbies and social connections. They will help you when you have your freedom.
And of course - there is you. Probably the most important bit really. While you are still there - start mentally separating and becoming a bit more selfish. Get fit, if that is important to you - as it really helps with feeling good about yourself. Try to remember you - the way you used to be before you assumed all those roles - mother, wife, etc.

As to whether you want to chat/meet with other people in the same situation - up to you really. At some point - when you are more mentally strong and separate from him and his treatment of you - you may feel it is something that might be right for you. Or not.

Original poster

StayorrGo · 03/12/2022 13:44

CannonCaboodle · 03/12/2022 11:23

How are you doing, OP?

I'm doing ok. I can't thank everyone enough for their replies. I just keep thinking its Christmas and it's not the right time to have the discussion with him. But then, when is the right time?

OP posts:

JenniferBooth · 04/12/2022 00:10

How many Christmases has he been happy for you to go without affection and intimacy OP?

Ofcourseshecan · 04/12/2022 01:04

OP, never mind about the other man. You need to get yourself and DC away from your harsh, icy husband. ‘Sadistic’ is the word I can’t get out of my mind when you describe him.

Whether he’s got another woman or for some other reason, he is destroying you. You say he’s a good father, but he’s teaching DC that women are not to be loved or even treated courteously. He refuses to consider counselling, so I don’t know how you can solve this. Please escape, and give DC a chance to grow up in a home full of love — even ifyou’re a single parent.

Doubledenim305 · 09/11/2024 01:19

HelpMeCope85 · 28/11/2022 22:42

i would step away from an affair and start to focus on yourself. I really think you need to get therapy and get yourself in a better place mentally. I say this from experience as someone who is going through the same as you OP. I’ve decided to let my H be who is (for now) and get myself in a strong place of self worth, live my life - I don’t want another relationship I just want to be strong know my self worth. I want to focus on me and then I’ll work out what to do.

Can I ask how things have progressed since this post?
Hope it's ok to ask. X

localnotail · 09/11/2024 03:53

Hi OP, I know a lot of people on here say its only lust, no reason to break a good marriage...but to me your husband's withdrawal shows a much deeper problem. He doesn't find you physically attractive, and (even worse) he has no emotional connection with you. He basically doesn't care about you. I dont think its a way to live - and, besides, I can imagine he himself will eventually find someone who he gets excited by - he might already met them, you never know.

Give yourself a few months, try to step back and see if there is anything that can be improved or salvaged. Discuss it with your DH, say you feel the relationship is not working and you are unhappy, make him understand you are going to leave if it continues the same. But I would imagine he would not be particularly bothered by your marriage ending.

Ileftintheend · 09/11/2024 11:36

I am the op and here's an update 2 years on.

My username says it all.. I left, we are divorced and co-parent well.

I've had a lot of therapy. I spoke to Women's Aid and they told me it sounded like he was emotionally abusive. He took away my basic needs of love, kindness, touch and tortured me with it. He was also cruel with his words towards me, couldn't say "I love you", couldn't pay me a compliment, nothing.

For anyone going through this please leave. There are other humans out there who will enjoy cuddles and kind words. Life is too short to settle for anything less.

I've done the dating scene (that's another story!) and now have a new partner who is as affectionate as me and it feels absolutely wonderful.

localnotail · 09/11/2024 15:15

I guess my message was a bit late! I'm glad you left, OP. Brave decision, but looks like a right one! All the best for the future.

Ofcourseshecan · 27/11/2024 07:30

Ileftintheend · 09/11/2024 11:36

I am the op and here's an update 2 years on.

My username says it all.. I left, we are divorced and co-parent well.

For anyone going through this please leave. There are other humans out there who will enjoy cuddles and kind words. Life is too short to settle for anything less.

I've done the dating scene (that's another story!) and now have a new partner who is as affectionate as me and it feels absolutely wonderful.

Well done, OP! You did the best thing for yourself and DC. I hope your ex never gets another woman to abuse.

Foxlovesfruit · 27/11/2024 07:59

Deleted my entire post after realising the thread was quite old! 😬

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6