No affection or intimacy.. dying inside

[StayorrGo]

Regular poster, name changed.

I am mid 30s, married with DC. My DH does not touch me. No kisses, no hugs, nothing. When I go to touch him he shrugs me away. It is soul destroying. We have had lots of talks about it and he says he doesn't know why he doesn't have the urge to be affectionate anymore (last few years). I have cried and begged and seen no improvement.

The sex has dwindled to every few months. I feel I'm at my sexual peak and wasting my best years.

Physical touch is my love language and I honestly feel like I'm starving.

I am ashamed to say I have recently met someone who is making me feel adored and tells me how attractive I am etc. I did not want to step outside my marriage but the feeling is so good after years of nothingness. He hugs me and I could cry from the release it gives me.

I am deeply unhappy and don't know what to do. I don't want to break up my family but I know I can't go on like this.

Don’t cheat. You have a couple of options

decide is this something you want to work on, if yes you need to layout to your partner the issues very clearly, don’t issue an ultimatum of change or leave it won’t help.

You need to realise there may also be something up with him and depression in males can manifest in many ways. I would lay out that it’s not working and state that if he wants this to work he needs to go to individual counselling and you as a couple need to go to couples therapy.

if he doesn’t want to engage that’s your signal that it’s completely over and at which point make your plans to leave.

Also wash out the bullshit that is love languages from your head, it’s a bunch of debunked pseudo science that probably causes more harm than good and does not help people self worth or expectations in relationships.

If you can't rectify this with your dh then leave and be happy. The OM is just a fantasy, however you can have a loving physical relationship with a lovely man, they are out there but it might not be this one.

I know you said you don't want to break up the family, but another way to look at is that your kids will use your relationship with their df as the blueprint to what all relationships should be. If they see a transactional relationship with no love or warmth, that's what they think all relationships should be, that's their gold standard.

There you go then. Its easy for others to say "oh just get him to go to therapy with you" as if you can drag him there by his hair or something. You cannot make someone engage in the counselling process if they dont want to. Men who have emotionally shut down like this rarely want to talk about the reasons why because they are stonewalling their partners (for whatever reason) and stonewalling means, shutting someone out. Look, you've told him you cant go on like this, you've suggested ways he can work with you to fix your marriage but he's made it abundantly clear he isnt interested in fixing it. Its over.

Leave him. Go and see a solicitor first of all and get some legal advice. Maybe you'll eventually start dating this other friend but definitely dont do it whilst you're this vulnerable and entangled.

I agree with this, counselling is your last option really. And if he doesn't engage fully with it you have to be prepared to leave. His behaviour is very odd though. Are you sure he wasnt always like this to some extent, and the early stages were just the honeymoon period? Or has something happened in his life or between you to cause it?

I had the same situation but without even that bit of sex, OP. I stayed. It was dreadful I ended up so angry and resentful it damaged my mothering and my DC. Eventually, when DCs were young adults, I left and everyone was happier. My ex is now my best mate. I'm single and happy. Our DC are happy. Mind you, I have no idea if leaving while DCs were younger would have been a good idea. So not much help to you. But omg I feel your pain

No you can’t drag him to therapy but you can sit him down and say this marriage is not working I want more from life/affection/intimacy/fun/better communication etc. Then say I gave booked a counselling session on Tuesday at 4pm with x. My mate Sarah will have the kids. I will be there regardless and I would love for you to attend too.
There is then no effort required in his part. I would look at Gottman counsellors not relate, yes they are expensive but so is divorce.
Then attend and know you did everything you could. He will either show up or not - you then have your answer on how much he is prepared to work at this.

Or be honest. I am very attracted to another man and I don’t want to overstep the mark. Something has gone seriously wrong. We need to fix this. If you can’t imagine saying this to him then imagine having the conversation about an affair once he finds out. What he doesn’t know DOES hurt him. Also let your husband make an informed decision about whether he stays or goes, he deserves that agency.

Seven principles of making marriage work was on Amazon earlier this week for 99p. That is heavily research based and very enlightening.

Tell him: "This lack of affection is so important to me that, in spite of all that I have here, I am seriously thinking that our marriage has to end. Are you willing to go to marriage counselling to solve this, or do I need to start making plans to end the marriage?"

At least he would know where he stands. Tinkering about, grumbling about him to someone else, having at the very least an emotional affair - none of this is right. Just spell it out to him.

I had a marriage similar to this, and stayed for almost 20 years. I stayed because I didn't want the children to go through a divorce. It was only when I had a moment of clarity and realised I didn't want my children thinking that's what marriage looked like - and repeating the same mistake.
Having an affair will only make you feel better in the short term, but I'm not going to judge you if that's what you decide. I don't think it will help at all long term though. If he's unlikely to change (and it sounds like the case) you need to leave, while you're still young enough to meet someone else and be happy. It's hard, it's upheaval, it can be devastating, but you will come out the other side with options for happiness, rather than sitting in this marriage frustrated, unhappy and feeling unworthy of human affection - it destroys your self confidence.
I look back and realise how much time I wasted, don't do that.

Bless you. He is torturing you. You can't fix this I'm afraid. You will either have to accept it or leave. It's also very cruel of him to expect you to live without the affection you need. Also cruel for a woman to deprive a man of this too.

I spent years in the emotional/ physical deep freezer going slightly nuts. Then he ended it all spectacularly. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Looking back now I really regret not having an affair and trying so hard for so long. No one is going to give you a medal for being miserable for years. I don't think it does kids any good for their Mum to be unhappy either.

If he has changed completely and seems totally disinterested in you and sex are you sure he's not already getting his needs met elsewhere? It's a shit situation whatever the case OP and clearly making you utterly miserable - but leaving can be pretty damn hard too when you've built a life together and have a family. Do you want to leave? No one could blame you. What about an open relationship of sorts if you want to stay a family unit but want more than he's willing to give? I don't think you can just stay as you are for much longer as you sound very unhappy.

Interesting no one is suggesting the OP does more round the house or look after the kids more so the OH will be more in the mood for intimacy.

Whattodo - Only interesting in the fact that it's not 1930?

Can you afford to divorce and live separately?

I'd only advise an affair if there is something big that means you need to stay. Cultural taboo on divorce, major financial stress, terrible illness, something like that. In those cases either an open marriage, don't ask don't tell, or a straight out affair might work as solutions.

Otherwise, at your age, why not just draw a line under things and move on. Worse things happen in life!

Your husband may already be having affairs, or he may have a madonna-whore complex or low libido or be gay - who knows ... and who cares ....! He obviously isn't interested in repairing things. You have flagged up the issues multiple times. What more can you do?

@StayorrGo
I was in an affectionless and loveless marriage for a long time. But I also didn’t want to break up my marriage - and wanted kids to be with both parents, while they were small. We worked OK as parents.

Then I realised I still wanted to have sex. But couldn’t imagine it with my then H.
So - I found a place where people in similar situations met. And it worked. For me anyway. It gave me what I needed at the time. And it gave me strength to deal with the life I had and chose to have.
For me - marriage at that time wasn’t just me/my H, it also included kids and I prioritised what was best for the kids at the time.

All of these warnings about cheating or not, what people would say - all are seeing the world in a very simplistic terms. Who cares what people think - it’s your life. Your friends - if they are your friends - will ask for a real story, if they don’t know it already.
My close friends knew.

As to the effect of cheating on a spouse who treats you like crap and has no sexual feelings for you? Why on earth would you need to consider how the abuser feels about you rejecting his abuse?
Him having expectation of fidelity just because you are married and regardless of his behaviour? Marriage is not a one way slavery contract.

Here on MN it’s not the popular position. But in real life - many people live in all kinds of arrangements. Some marriages have sex, some don’t. Some people get unhappy, other people have other ways - either as a temporary solution, or as a stepping stone for a way out. I met/talked to a few people on that website, and most are still married.
Most don’t get found out - especially in situations where the other spouse doesn’t want to have sex. They prefer not to know.

I divorced a bit earlier than I planned - due to other circumstances - and now a few years out of my marriage. No regrets.
Don’t wish I left earlier - kids benefited from a full family in their formative years.
I wasn’t frustrated with lack of sex, so was a better, happier person. It even gave me strength to try a bit harder at my marriage.
Didn’t work as we were too different and broken.

Anyway. Wishing you luck. PM if you want to talk.

If he has changed completely and seems totally disinterested in you and sex are you sure he's not already getting his needs met elsewhere?

The same thought occurred to me, especially after OP's mixed messages - "he's meeting my physical and emotional physical / no we haven't been physical" - about the other man

The obvious suggestion is counselling if there's a real will to save the marriage, but they'd both have to want that and they'd both have to approach it with honesty ... and right now there doesn't seem to be much

Sorry, that should have read "He's meeting my physical and emotional needs" about the other man ...

Yeah I think since you've tried all that ultimately he isn't willing to find a way forward together. Its not attacking him to say you aren't happy

You can't make someone desire you OP. You can have conversation after conversation about it, but if he's not feeling it, he's never going to.

If you leave before you get angry/start to hate him, there's every chance that you can co-parent well and stay friends. Your family doesn't have to end because your relationship does, if it's done well.

You need to have the dreaded "it's done" conversation here.

At 59 I had endured 10 yrs of no intimacy, no cuddles, no sex, my only respite was work. 4 yrs ago I left and moved into mums broom cupboard, then a man I have known for years asked me out, what a difference a new man makes. I moved in after 6 weeks, now it’s cuddles every day, sex twice a week, previously I thought my sex life was over, so lucky you never know what is just around the corner

Dont be afraid, there is nothing worse than living with someone who doesn’t care.

Sorry, by physical I meant the hugs not sex. I get no hugs at home and it's one of my favourite things so to finally receive one from a man is incredible. Sorry for the confusion about physical needs.

Not sure how anyone can say you are doing something wrong when you are being abused - withholding affection is a form of abuse and it is soul destroying.

If he has always been like that, your own fault for continuing a relationship with him. But he hasn't - he has completely changed.

I really feel for you OP, I hope you are okay. I would advise not to go any further with your friend, as if you do start a relationship down the line, the beginning bit will be tainted by guilt.

Even if you do have therapy and he pretends to find you attractive again, you'll never trust him and certainly won't forgive his treatment of you.

I'm not you, but you will regret not fulfilling your own needs and if he continues like this, you will have an affair. You are so starved for affection you may even choose the wrong person to have a relationship with. I did this myself, I have been there although slightly different circumstances and no children involved.

You will destroy yourself if you stay with someone who clearly doesn't value you. Sex isn't everything (although it's amazing) and I could take or leave kisses, but a hug is so important. Sending you a hug.

It's so hard because when I tell him I'm feeling neglected, he gets upset and says I'm attacking him and who he is as a person.

If he identifies with being a frosty person now, then there's not much you can do.

Even if you do have therapy and he pretends to find you attractive again, you'll never trust him and certainly won't forgive his treatment of you.

We don't know if he finds OP attractive or not- who knows what his motivations are? I think he could turn it around if he started being affectionate etc. But I suppose OP would always wonder if he was being sincere.

if he continues like this, you will have an affair. You are so starved for affection you may even choose the wrong person to have a relationship with

This is a good point by Salt, @StayorrGo . You are vulnerable to men who might give you something resembling affection. There are some real wrong'uns out there. This is another reason not to get inappropriately involved with someone unless and until you're divorced.

@jsku
how can I PM you?

@Fullofregret123

of course