No affection or intimacy.. dying inside

[StayorrGo]

Regular poster, name changed.

I am mid 30s, married with DC. My DH does not touch me. No kisses, no hugs, nothing. When I go to touch him he shrugs me away. It is soul destroying. We have had lots of talks about it and he says he doesn't know why he doesn't have the urge to be affectionate anymore (last few years). I have cried and begged and seen no improvement.

The sex has dwindled to every few months. I feel I'm at my sexual peak and wasting my best years.

Physical touch is my love language and I honestly feel like I'm starving.

I am ashamed to say I have recently met someone who is making me feel adored and tells me how attractive I am etc. I did not want to step outside my marriage but the feeling is so good after years of nothingness. He hugs me and I could cry from the release it gives me.

I am deeply unhappy and don't know what to do. I don't want to break up my family but I know I can't go on like this.

I can only echo what others have said. It sounds terrible, and mid 30s, thats a long time to be dying inside. Theres no point 'staying together for the kids', the longer you leave it, the harder it gets, the more likely you are to implode and cheat, and it isn't like children don't pick up the vibe. This is so much more than the basic act. You dont relate at all it seems. Try one last time maybe, suggest therapy or similar, then you know you gave it your best. And if that doesn't work then go. Happy parents make happier children x

I think you need to try and get him to have therapy (or to have couples therapy as he might listen to the therapist more than he does you alone, assuming the therapist backs you up.)

I think you really need to literally spell it out to him, that this has to change very quickly or it's over.

Let him know that you’re very unhappy in this marriage and your sexual and emotional needs are not being met, tell him that you want an open marriage. If he refuses tell him he either gets his act together or your out. End of. Life is too short and things like these make your self esteem go down the drain.

Tell him.

OP - are you even still attracted to him?
After all the rejection - if he woke up ‘fixed’ tomorrow - would you want him to touch you?
Personally - I don’t think I could go back and have sex with someone who rejected me over and over.

I wouldn’t live without sex.
You can do it the hard way - tell him you are leaving; or tell him you are opening your marriage and he can stay or go.
Or you can just do what many people in your situation do. Quietly and discreetly.

This isn’t a sort of situation where the couple is happy, and if affair is discovered there is a shock. In a marriage without sex for a long time - with no explanation, no effort - can anyone really be surprised? Does her H have any moral right to object to her having sex with someone else?
Not really.

Can you pin point what happened and when he changed from the man you married to what you have now, affection and intimacy wise?

re his being a fantastic dad - no he isn’t. He is hurting the mother of his children.

Does her H have any moral right to object to her having sex with someone else

Yes because they are married...

This isn’t a sort of situation where the couple is happy, and if affair is discovered there is a shock. In a marriage without sex for a long time - with no explanation, no effort - can anyone really be surprised?

We see it all the time on here, that even though they hadn't had much sex or intimacy with their husband, the victim of infidelity had no idea it was going that way. They believed their wedding vows ruled out adultery, as after all that's what was said.

It's never ok (which doesn't mean I don't understand why people might do it, but there's always the option to do something more decent instead.)

I've been in the intimacy-less marriage.

Forget the other guy.

Tell your DH one last time you're seriously unhappy and need intimacy. It's not a marriage for you without one. Don't cry or beg (you don't feel better after that anyway). Just say it. If his response is anything other than a) I'll go to the GP to see if I need a hormone test or b) I'll get therapy to figure out because I want to change, then you need to end the marriage.

You have a situation now where he's getting his basic needs met in the marriage and you're not and he is fine with that.

If you have an affair and it gets discovered, you will be the one seen as at fault. When people ask why you're getting divorced, he can play the victim card and say you cheated on him. The absolute unfairness of the judgement that will be healed on you will be searing. The divorce will have him playing victim here too. Also, you're in an unfair situation but any divorce still has the opportunity to go as smoothly as these things can. Once one party has been cheated on, even if justified, it makes it more complicated.

You would not be u fair to break up your family to get your needs met - it could be argued that by ignoring them, he's already broken if. You would, however, be unreasonable to do anything that could make a divorce situation messy, because of the children.

What @DivorcingEU said. Every word. That's your road-map to a happier life

I feel sad for you that you are prepared to be treated like this. Life is too short to be starved of affection. Yes should the poster break up her family? Not sure? But kids pick up on things. Sometimes families can be happier if the parents are apart. Don’t be a martyr - you come across as angry and a little bitter

Hang on, he tells you to "grow up"?
That's the nail in the coffin isn't it.

THIS. Wih knobs on.

Begging is demeaning and humiliating, and worse, it will not have the desired effect.

He does not want it.

Have the affair and enjoy it. You only get one life.

Sounds dead in the water if you are also barely communicating. Life is too short, and as your kids grow up they will absolutely be aware of how dysfunctional your marriage is even if you are great parents/at coparenting. It will have an impact on them emotionally. Unless he is willing to consider counselling I’d be out of there. You deserve to be happy.

Only just saw this. It sounds horrible. Leave!

Is this a reverse of the long thread where the wife had 3 kids and had only had sex with her husband 4 times in 4 years and thought it wasn’t a big deal, even though he told her he was extremely unhappy about the situation?

Not a reverse no, I did read that thread though.

Have you researched what cheating does to your partner when they find out, and they often do? It can cause a version of Ptsd. It can even lead to them having suicidal thoughts.

You will leave your marriage with a legacy that you are a cheater. Regardless of whether he is affectionate is this what you want. Bitterness at every pick up and drop off. Everyone knowing you cheated and that’s why you split?

When you are single and eventually meet someone (affairs end up in successful marriages 3% of the time) and they ask ‘did you cheat on your husband?’ Will you continue to lie or be truthful?

Research the effects of cheating emotionally on both of you. Your self esteem when he finds out will be damaged by the devastation you cause to your family. You will be seen as the bad guy. Read Shirley Glass just good friends. Google websites from the perspective of ‘my wife cheated how to get over it’. Then assuming you see the destruction it causes, stop contact with this other man. If it doesnt then research the damage it causes kids - again research it.

Then Book a counselling session (try Gottman, read the book too) tell your husband you are insisting on counselling, tell him it’s up to him if he is there but you attend anyway and give it one last shot, if he is still not for you walk away with dignity and your head held high.

I agree OP should leave before pursuing another relationship.
However if her dh only wants a housemate then OP is not cheating is she?
How can you cheat on someone who has already rejected you.
Her dh can’t have it both ways. He doesn’t want her as anything more than a co parent. Refusing to touch his wife and telling her to grow up for wanting to be loved is emotional abuse imo.

I'm so sorry your relationship is going through this. I would keep away from the other person for now and have a very frank conversation with your husband. Tell him how much this is killing you inside, touch is your love language and if he can't change then you need to split up. He is as much responsible for that decision as you if he cannot/will not change or make effort - its not just physical, you two don't talk either. He wasn't always this person, he is choosing to be. It's not selfish for you to express your inner needs and call an ultimatum.

Don't cheat, talk to your husband.

Yes, do this. My first marriage went the same way. I was dying and trying to come to terms with having no sex being just the norm. Our marriage ended, I found out he had been sleeping with a work colleague all along. I immediately found a lover within weeks of the end of our marriage and have not looked back. That was over a decade ago and I'm so happy I've had all the fantastic sex I have since then. I would have missed out on many lovely relationships and in my case the cold, frosty b'stard was getting it else where anyway. PS I'm remarried and in a lull but we both want to improve this, it's just toddler induced!

Don't kid yourself. If you are unhappy and unfulfilled, leave...start afresh. But don't pretend you aren't cheating. Mentally you are and you say you are hugging and he is making promises. If your DH was doing this with another woman everyone would say he was cheating, certainly emotionally if not physically. Dressing it up doesn't make it not cheating.

You say you have begged and pleaded. Have you sat down with DH and said that if you cant find what you had again that you will leave as this is intolerable ?

Yes I have and he promised to try harder. That was months ago and there's been no improvement. So I got strong and instead of going in for a kiss to be met with a cheek or a "come on, get on with it quickly then" type response I've completely pulled away and I'm not instigating anymore. Which has made the problem even more obvious.

The other guy is a friend who I've confided in and he's telling me I'm worth more etc, he's not making promises or anything. He hugged me because I needed it. If I ask for a hug at home I get told no. Maybe that is emotional cheating but I'm only human.

I've tried to. I think the pressure of young kids and sleepless nights didn't help. He slowly pulled away. He gaslights me by saying he's never been an affectionate person but he absolutely was, very much so. I often wonder if he just doesn't fancy me anymore and sees me as a mother rather than a woman.

Re the therapy suggestion. The last time I opened up to him and told him how deeply unhappy I am I suggested therapy and he said no, he doesn't believe in talking to a stranger.

He also doesn't believe in love languages.

It's so hard because when I tell him I'm feeling neglected, he gets upset and says I'm attacking him and who he is as a person.

I think you need to be more definite with him. 'I cannot live like this. This is not a marriage I can be a part of. Either things change from today, right now, or we need to separate'. You obviously need to be sure that is 100% where your head is at, then be brave and have the conversation. If he is saying the no affection is who he is and he cannot be different, then you probably have your answer.