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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bf asked for a bj

126 replies

Radia111 · 26/11/2022 16:28

I’m not a sex troll!

my bf of 3 months is great and loving. Sometimes when we are having sex he will ask for a bj. He really likes them. He will reciprocate too and I want to make him happy but tbh don’t love doing it.

a few times we’ve been sexting (cringe) and he will say what he wants us to do together and then he’ll ask for a bj. Even if I’m just requesting a long cuddle with him or something.

I like him and I want to make him happy but I don’t love doing them and I really don’t like being asked. Can anyone help as this is becoming a sticking point for me. He is otherwise excellent.

OP posts:
NeverHadANickname · 26/11/2022 16:30

I'd talk to him and explain how you feel about them. He can then decide if it is a deal breaker for him.

Oopsiedaisyy · 26/11/2022 16:30

Ok, talking about a long cuddle isn't sexting... You may have different comfort levels with sex?

Original poster
Radia111 · 26/11/2022 16:32

Oopsie I know I know, we do actually sext - will tell him exactly what I want him to do and vice versa. My point was more if I ask for something really innocent he will then ask for a bj. I have no issue with him asking just I don’t leave doing them regularly. More like weekly would be my preference

OP posts:
trevthecat · 26/11/2022 16:35

If weekly would be your preference, how often is he asking?

Oopsiedaisyy · 26/11/2022 16:35

I quite enjoy them, and certainly enjoy wheny bf returns the favour... But if you don't, you do need to be honest. Either he'll understand, and say its not a big deal for him (and would hate you to do something you don't want to) or he'll sulk and mutter about it being a deal breaker... So dump his butt

DenholmElliot11 · 26/11/2022 16:35

You've got a communication problem, not a sex problem.

Tell him.

amiold · 26/11/2022 16:36

Do you not like them or can you not be arsed? I can never be arsed but feel bad because I really like him to go down on me. Usually I just do it for less time 😂

QueSyrahSyrah · 26/11/2022 16:39

Well we can't help, you need to talk to him.

My DH would happily have a blowjob every day but we talk, so he knows that it's something I have to be in the right mood for and he completely accepts that. He will very occasionally ask for one, but if it's a no from me then that's the end of the conversation.

2bazookas · 26/11/2022 16:45

Don't do what you don't want to. That would led to chill and resentment in a longterm relationship.

Next time he txts about a bj , text back " I need to have a serious talk with you about BJs" . That's your way in to a face to face conversation . If its a deal breaker, best you both know now.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 26/11/2022 16:56

Yeah you really need to talk this through now and see if you can find a compromise you can both live with.

Oral sex is my favourite thing and if someone said they only wanted to go down on me once a week, I'd probably end the relationship, as we wouldn't be compatible. I'd also really miss giving oral to someone, if they didn't enjoy it.

pairofrollerskates · 26/11/2022 17:12

BJ is mainly quite disgusting. However ... if he is happy to reciprocate, I'd be down on him like a shot! You can find sexy ways to make it more "palatable" - I am partial to a honey drizzle myself, although I have been told that a line of MnMs ...

RoachPussy · 26/11/2022 17:56

If my DH thought he’d get a BJ weekly he’d think that he would have died and gone to heaven

FinallyHere · 26/11/2022 17:56

How does he respond if you say no?

How they respond to a 'no' is one of the most revealing tests of what sort of person they are.

If he accepts it and moves on, he is a keeper and you might consider incorporating the beginning of a BJ while finishing off some other way.

If he wheedles and tries to get you to change your mind, and do it anyway, throw him overboard.

It's not what he asks, it's how he responds to a No that shows you what sort of person you are dealing with here.

balalake · 26/11/2022 18:04

Whilst on the positive side he is willing to reciprocate, if you do not feel happy or comfortable, perhaps you are incompatible.

Joey69 · 26/11/2022 18:07

I don’t think anyone should do anything they are not happy with, but of course both parties have to be happy and only he can he decide if it’s a big deal for him and end the relationship( or not ).

Original poster
Radia111 · 26/11/2022 18:12

I don’t like saying no so will normally say let’s do it in the morning. This is generally post shower so I find it easier and tastier then if not tmi. He will ask again in the morning once I’ve promised so is keen but not pushy. But definitely keen and would be unhappy if I said an outright no I don’t think. I think he would respect my reasoning but does obviously like them. He reciprocates but doesn’t spend as long on me. Should I ask him to? I want that but don’t want to order him about?

OP posts:
Original poster
Radia111 · 26/11/2022 18:13

Currently do it twice a week which is basically every time we sleep together (every time we stay at each other’s houses)

OP posts:
Flooper · 26/11/2022 18:13

People really don't speak openly enough to their partner about their sex life. What they like, what they don't.

Have a conversation with him, telling him you don't like giving blowjobs and that you'd rather not from now on. He can then decide if a sex life without blowjobs is deal breaker for him. If a man told me he'd never wanted to go down on me again I'd of course respect that, but I'd probably end things as it wouldn't make for a fulfilling sex life for me.

Original poster
Radia111 · 26/11/2022 18:14

He doesn’t wheedle per se but if I say I’m too tired or I’ll do it in the morning, he accepts and then is really keen for it in the morning. Like will remind me that I promised.

OP posts:
Original poster
Radia111 · 26/11/2022 18:15

I’d probably be happy to do it every now and again, maybe twice weekly, I just don’t really like being asked for them. He once asked me in the middle of the day. He has promised to do the same to me but I don’t feel very sexy when we are working from home at lunch 😭 and not hugely in the zone

OP posts:
Original poster
Radia111 · 26/11/2022 18:15

I gave him one in the middle of the day too. Felt a bit like a sex doll

OP posts:
NiceTwin · 26/11/2022 18:18

If you're doing it everytime you have sex, I'd be knocking that on the head, his expectations will be unrealistic at that rate.

Just tell him it's too much.

Flooper · 26/11/2022 18:19

Honestly a chat is the way to go. He goes down on you but doesn't spend very long and you haven't mentioned this to him as you don't want to seem too pushy? But he's not at all shy about asking you for blowjobs? I don't believe in tit for tat ( so to speak) but a bit of reciprocity is always good for romantic relations. Tell him!

greeandorange · 26/11/2022 18:19

Yuck he already has the traits of as sex pest.

I hated being put under pressure and nagged to do BJs my DH used to do this in our earlier days of the relationship, it was implied, or asked for and put me right off.

I did used to enjoy them but being asked and nagged made me dig my heels in and stop.

BMW6 · 26/11/2022 18:20

"You promised"??

Yuck yuck yuck. Instant turnoff. 😕too wheedling.

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