AIBU to think my DH is a bit of a c**t?

[Slutdrop]

I'm probably going to get blasted for this, but here goes. I've been married since 2020. My husband is quite a bit younger than I am (just letting you know in case you feel this makes a difference to the problem I've got).
Issue 1: My daughter comes round to my house most days, and brings my grandson (who is at present being investigated for ADHD and autism). I think she just likes to chill here as she is very stressed and gets little to no help from his father. My grandson DOES tend to make a big mess, and I've always cleared up when they've gone, which I don't mind doing. My DH works from home
Issue 2: my DS lives at home, he's 23 and has started work recently. He is going back to uni in January. I've always told my kids that whilst they are in education, I would support them financially, or at least not take housekeeping money from them.
The reading for my post is that my DH is fuming because my daughter comes round "shits the house up and just leaves" and let's my grandson "scream his head off" whilst he's trying to work. I've tried to explain that I don't mind her coming here to have a break but he's saying it's not acceptable for me to be cleaning up 24/7 and for my grandson to be slamming doors and being noisy (he's 2yo) My DH goes in the office once a fortnight and I feel like having a party because I can breathe. He also had a moan today and has said that after Christmas, if my son doesn't contribute to the household financially, then he isn't going to either.
He basically wants me to tell my daughter to stop coming round as often, and have a 3 way discussion about the household finances with my son (DH, DS and myself). I don't want to do either and feel I am being 'bullied' into it (for want of a better word) as he goes on and on and on and the oy way I can shut him up is by saying 'oh for christ's sake, ok I'll do it'
I would like to hear your opinions. Please be kind as I'm menopausal and very hormonal and get upset at the drop of a hat at the moment! (This is why I've not argued with him about anything - yet...) as I don't feel I've got the emotional energy to do it. Sorry for the long post 😬

People are so dramatic, many WFH parents are SAHP who have their kids with them, I am one of them.

I always find it hillarious that DH can't work with the noise of the kids at home but can work while watching TV or listening to music/podcasts lol it seem very 'selective' to what they want rather than what they can do.

Imagine if everyone just ceased to function with any other jobs that needed doing just because children where around, the world would be utter chaos.

It's great that you are trying to support both your children however, your DH's feelings aside, I'm not sure you are going the right way about it.

you say you told your children that you would support them while they were in education, however your DS is 23. Has he really been in education all that time? He's either in danger of becoming a perpetual student, or actually he should be contributing.

Your DD clearly has her hands full, however doing everything for her every day while she puts her feet up at your house isn't necessarily helpful support. Would it be better for you to take DGS out for a couple of hours so she can have a break, or equally for you to pop round and help with the housework while she sorts DGS? Coming round to yours and getting you to take responsibility is just hiding from her problems.

Well, starting the thread with a title like “my DH is a cunt” sort of sets the tone a bit…

Perfectly true NoSquirrels, you're quite right.

I did intend to put that in actually, that maybe she is getting such negative reactions because of her hyperbolic thread title. But I forgot, because my menopausal brain fog is insanely bad and my son with ASD and ADHD interrupted my typing about twenty times!

Is your DD able to work? Could she arrange to go back to work and you agree to a set day where you have DGS? That way DH knows when DGS will be around making noise/mess and your DD gets some time as herself.

I was a SAHM and I think your DD is being unfair just turning up at your door constantly through the week knowing someone is working. Calling ahead unless she is absolutely desperate is just basic manners. Can you arrange to meet at a toddler group or the park every so often, or even arrange to go to hers.

Regarding your son, YANBU if you can cover his expenses, you can't expect your DH to foot the bill for an adult.

Golden rule of WFH is to make and have a dedicated work space. You can't moan if you have camped to a living area like the dining room and expect it to be a professional environment. Agree that noises can be distracting but so is most offices.

I think that having regular visitors while he is working from home is a bit much tbh. I can’t really work when my kids are home, it’s too noisy and distracting. Can you not agree one day a week with him where he has fewer meetings etc and your daughter come that day? And the other days you could go to your daughter’s, the park or soft play. I say this as someone who regularly goes to my mums with the kids for a break, but I would not do it if my stepdad was trying to work, sorry:

re. Your son, why is he still in education at 23? Is it a super long course, gap year etc? I’d be expecting him to get a job and contribute. Not a lot but something.

sorry if not what you want to hear OP! While I think the principle of what your DH says is ok I do not agree with his bullishness however. But maybe he is just at end of his tether.

I agree, I shouldn't have said that. I was annoyed and tired. You're right. Sorry it was disrespectful.

.... and yet .. no information about the financial situation.. which would solve this whole issue !

"If you spoil your children you end up raising your grandchildren"

I heard this said once, and think that maybe you've been too soft with dd. When she comes round with her son (really every day?!), she is the parent. She does the parenting. It's lazy of her to come round, disturb the house, fill it full of noise, every day (really every day!?).

She is the parent. Her dh is a parent. They need to parent their child - not have you as son sort of daily backstop.

I can quite easily and happily work from home with corrie in the background, there is a massive difference to having a screaming toddler/visitors.

Slutdrop I have tried and tried to get you to explain the financial situation.

You have avoided all questions...

Therefore I have to say you are extremely unreasonable and your husband is a saint for putting up with this situation.

Re: financial situation. We pay half each towards bills, etc. Sometimes it's not exactly half...I'll buy a weeks food shopping, he'll fill the car with petrol, etc. I'm not too fussed about money, I earn enough to pay for everything (as I always did before we got married)

People are so dramatic, many WFH parents are SAHP who have their kids with them, I am one of them

A SAHP is someone who stays at home parenting instead of doing paid work. If you WFH and have small children underfoot, then really, I can't see how you are doing either the service it needs.

How do you wfh with small kids all day?

So your husband IS being expected to finance a grown man who he is not related to without a discussion?
sorry but that’s shockingly unreasonable. Either your son should pay, or you should pay extra if you want to cover the costs for DS

So is it your OWNED house OP ?

I'm with you OP. I have an autistic nephew and know how hard the parents find it at times. I wouldn't be telling my daughter not to come around.

Was it your house before you married and he moved in or is it a house you purchased together?

If you can afford to support your son without it impacting your contribution to the house, then I don't think your DP should tell you how to spend your own money.

If your DP is out of pocket due to supporting your son, then I would be asking your son to make contributions to the house. Even buying shopping or few dinners per month.

I wouldn't give your DP anymore excuse to act like a spoilt brat throwing his dummy out of his pram by saying he isn't contributing.

My gut and first thought as I was reading your post is that your DP is being controlling. Plus your comment about being able to breathe when he's not there, are you sure this is right for you?

Stand your ground. However I'd refrain from using the c word. It's not nice.

You cant! unless its something daft life gluing glitter on wine glasses and flogging them on FB marketplace for a bit of cash.

Moving on from your choice of language, which you’ve already withdrawn, I do have some concerns about the health of the marriage. So you married him two years ago to prevent him being deported, and now you’re feeling bullied and look forward to the days when he isn’t around. I’m not sure what the point of the marriage is for you, hopefully he’s funny and great in bed. 🤷‍♀️

So if you pay 'half each' towards bills then HE is subsidising YOUR dc's

He is not being remotely unreasonable !!

How long were you together before you got married?

Did you live together before you got married?

Do you think your DD is being a bit disrespectful or are you happy with the way things are with her?

If I was you OP I would post on the relationship board, you will receive a very different response!

Don't roll over to his demands, I can't help feeling there's more to all this.

Your husband doesn't sound very kind &
Or supportive.

There are two issues and one of them he is being totally reasonable about and the other not. I wonder if the frustration of the first is impacting on his stance on the second.

As pp have said it’s completely unacceptable for you DD to come round with your DGC when he works from home. You mentioned he can only go into the office once every two weeks, it might be different if he could go more but chooses not to. Let her come once every two weeks and other days go to her house to help her at breakfast instead. I work from home quite often and I absolutely would not allow this to happen. I’m not a c*, I just need to work.

re: your son, I think that’s ridiculous and he shouldn’t have to pay anything. But I can imagine the first situation may be clouding his judgment here. Perhaps have a reasonable conversation where you accept the first is actually not okay and you will manage it, but perhaps he can budge on the second.

I also think the bills should be split at least 75:25

It’s a bit mean you asking your DH to pay 50:50 as your son lives there full time and your DD comes over and eats your food, uses your electricity etc every day.

@LlareggubTripAdviser
it doesn’t really matter whose house it was, they’re married so it’s now a joint asset.

Yes, 3 adults in the home, you don't want to charge adult ds so you cover his third. You pay 66%, dh pays 33%.