AIBU to think my DH is a bit of a c**t?

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I'm probably going to get blasted for this, but here goes. I've been married since 2020. My husband is quite a bit younger than I am (just letting you know in case you feel this makes a difference to the problem I've got).
Issue 1: My daughter comes round to my house most days, and brings my grandson (who is at present being investigated for ADHD and autism). I think she just likes to chill here as she is very stressed and gets little to no help from his father. My grandson DOES tend to make a big mess, and I've always cleared up when they've gone, which I don't mind doing. My DH works from home
Issue 2: my DS lives at home, he's 23 and has started work recently. He is going back to uni in January. I've always told my kids that whilst they are in education, I would support them financially, or at least not take housekeeping money from them.
The reading for my post is that my DH is fuming because my daughter comes round "shits the house up and just leaves" and let's my grandson "scream his head off" whilst he's trying to work. I've tried to explain that I don't mind her coming here to have a break but he's saying it's not acceptable for me to be cleaning up 24/7 and for my grandson to be slamming doors and being noisy (he's 2yo) My DH goes in the office once a fortnight and I feel like having a party because I can breathe. He also had a moan today and has said that after Christmas, if my son doesn't contribute to the household financially, then he isn't going to either.
He basically wants me to tell my daughter to stop coming round as often, and have a 3 way discussion about the household finances with my son (DH, DS and myself). I don't want to do either and feel I am being 'bullied' into it (for want of a better word) as he goes on and on and on and the oy way I can shut him up is by saying 'oh for christ's sake, ok I'll do it'
I would like to hear your opinions. Please be kind as I'm menopausal and very hormonal and get upset at the drop of a hat at the moment! (This is why I've not argued with him about anything - yet...) as I don't feel I've got the emotional energy to do it. Sorry for the long post 😬

Issue 1 - he is not being unreasonable. It's his house too. Could you go to your daughter's or meet somewhere. Or could she come when he's not working?

Issue 2 - he's BU

Also, feeding your DD and DGS meals every day must impact your food bills. Is that coming out of the household bills too?

RE your update, did you only marry him to stop him being deported? If you don't want to stay married to him, you don't have to. But if you do want to stay married you need to figure out a compromise. Having adult DCs around every day would be a bit much for most people.

I see both sides. It's great your daughter wants to visit so often, the support is important but I can see your husbands side too, he is working from home and got noise and distraction - it would be different if he was not working in the house, but he is. It is your husbands home too.

my son has autism and adhd and honestly thought of going to my mothers house every day makes me tremble!

Does she really need to come round every day? Can you go to her? Or go out for a walk? Face time calls? Every day visits does sound extreme.

as for your son, it's difficult. I would be expecting a 23 year old to contribute too but I guess he can't if he's not earning much.

It's your house, right? He moved in? And now he wants everyone tiptoeing around because he's decided to use your house as his private workspace? Tell him to go to the office/a library if he needs quiet to work. You do not need to decline guests to your home in order to facilitate his choice to work from your home.

I think you are right he sounds like a twat.

Your grandson needs to be doing the tidying. He is old enough at 2 to be encouraged to clear up his mess and to put things away. His mum should be the one modelling this to him and encouraging him to do this.

I get you want to support your DD, but if her DP is that unsupportive that she's contemplating suicide, she needs to be supported to get out of the relationship perhaps.
Go to hers daily if you must - that solves the mess and the noise problem. But bear in mind that just relying on you daily is not healthy for her or her DC maybe. What about parent and child groups, soft play etc? She should also aim to mix with other mothers around her own age and if she comes around to you as an easy option, it's not encouraging her to do that.

It's your house, right? He moved in?

They are married. It's both of their houses. He moved in with a woman and her adult son. He didn't move in with a 2yo.

Had the dd and the toddler lived there too, he may have decided not to marry/move in.

It's shit to think that someone would say to their spouse "no, this is my house, ill do whatever I want regardless of how it affects you - my spouse. You don't mean enough to me for me to compromise at all"

Fuck that - he should just leave.

Haha this made me laugh 😂 yes... I have no complaints in the bedroom department 😂

I had to get married or my DH would have been deported.

So would DH be at risk of deportation again if the marriage ended? I don't know how it works.

If so, then he is trapped in this marriage to you, in a very precarious position, with limited choices. You and your children are treating him accordingly - though perhaps without realising it.

If it was a woman in your DH's situation, Mumsnet would be very worried for her.

I would leave him , he sounds like a grumpy bossy controlling cxnt
Homes are for families, and for you to spend time with your kids and grandchildren freely without tiptoeing around him
Why doesnt he find somewhere else to work ?? Or put headphones on..

Tell your daughter to cleanup before she leaves and that she needs to be more Hands on, I really do get it because my dd is autistic and she will wreck the room in 2 minutes if I allow it

Getting your son to contribute the household is important for his maturity, to make him responsible
You could get him to contribute to the house and then put it into an savings account for him

Perhaps you could help her by looking at groups in your local area together, maybe attend with her the first time if she's anxious about it. But really, encouraging her and your DC's in general to be self-reliant is part of what you should do as a parent, and maybe you've been a bit soft in that department which can cause future difficulties with their development.

What a dreadful title to your post, that’s a despicable thing to say about your husband when the two things he requests are simply what any normal human being would expect, peace and quiet to work and earn a living and a financial contribution from your adult son.

Well, I love him, of course. But I had little choice but to get married or he wouldn't be able to stay in the country. I also supported him financially 100% before he got this job last year. I didn't want to add too much financial info as I wanted to gauge everyone's gut reaction as I guess I had got settled into my own way of life being single and not having to take a partners/husband's pov into account.

I'm quite surprised you consider your DH to be a c**t when it's you being equally unreasonable. I don't think your relationship is going to go the distance as you clearly have little respect for each other.

I know off piste somewhat but I genuinely didn’t know they assessed 2 year olds for adhd. Autism yes, but not adhd.

Yes, I know, I have apologized already. I was just tired and really annoyed when typing this post. I Have calmed down now and regret it.

Your daughter is using your home as a retreat where she can get someone else (you) to supervise her child whilst she relaxes with a coffee. Leaves your messy house to go back to her nice tidy one after the visit. I agree with others that you should at least split time between your home and hers. And I honestly think a 23 year old shouldn’t have the choice of going back to education unless he can support himself.

Although I see that majority of posters are taking your husband’s side, I can say that I am totally on yours OP. I would do anything for my children and totally see myself in your shoes. My ex-husband was the same as yours and he was the actual father of the children. To him as soon as the kids started working, which was between 14-15 years of age, he changed the way he looked at them. Would complain if I would buy them anything and started mentioning them contributing to house expenses. I always thought that my kids working and paying for their own expenses while we provide room and board, was good enough compromise as I grew up in an environment where my parents paid for everything until I left the house.

So I would say, you should side with your kids, but then again, I may not be the right person to give you advice. As someone who is freshly separated, I feel, at the moment, that I will never want to be in a relationship again, and if I ever am, I will not move in together or get married again. Of course, I may change my mind over time, but I feel very strongly about this right now. I would never let a man get between me and my kids, never, even if it is their own father and especially if it is not. Good luck OP.💕

How long have you been together?

Yes, he is a cunt, not just a bit of one either.

I'd be irritated by my family coming around every day ,especially if I also needed to get some work done. She must be a totally devoted mum! I also have cleaned up carnage after gc but only every other week or so,Exhausting!
Son shouldn't be expected to contribute much if he had a student loan to repay,but he needs to do his bit around the house.
Husband is understandably fed up with the chaos while he tries to work,but he sounds a bit hostile. I think they need to be a bit more understanding of each other.

Thank you. I hope you'll be happy in your new life ❤️

So you supported him financially. How long for? Because this would determine how I felt about him demanding that my son start contributing to the household while he is at university.

I knew it was going to come out that you’ve supported him financially and it’s your house. He can fuck right off. You kids should come first and parenting doesn’t stop at 18. Let him move out and pay all his own bills.

About 5 years