AIBU to think my DH is a bit of a c**t?

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I'm probably going to get blasted for this, but here goes. I've been married since 2020. My husband is quite a bit younger than I am (just letting you know in case you feel this makes a difference to the problem I've got).
Issue 1: My daughter comes round to my house most days, and brings my grandson (who is at present being investigated for ADHD and autism). I think she just likes to chill here as she is very stressed and gets little to no help from his father. My grandson DOES tend to make a big mess, and I've always cleared up when they've gone, which I don't mind doing. My DH works from home
Issue 2: my DS lives at home, he's 23 and has started work recently. He is going back to uni in January. I've always told my kids that whilst they are in education, I would support them financially, or at least not take housekeeping money from them.
The reading for my post is that my DH is fuming because my daughter comes round "shits the house up and just leaves" and let's my grandson "scream his head off" whilst he's trying to work. I've tried to explain that I don't mind her coming here to have a break but he's saying it's not acceptable for me to be cleaning up 24/7 and for my grandson to be slamming doors and being noisy (he's 2yo) My DH goes in the office once a fortnight and I feel like having a party because I can breathe. He also had a moan today and has said that after Christmas, if my son doesn't contribute to the household financially, then he isn't going to either.
He basically wants me to tell my daughter to stop coming round as often, and have a 3 way discussion about the household finances with my son (DH, DS and myself). I don't want to do either and feel I am being 'bullied' into it (for want of a better word) as he goes on and on and on and the oy way I can shut him up is by saying 'oh for christ's sake, ok I'll do it'
I would like to hear your opinions. Please be kind as I'm menopausal and very hormonal and get upset at the drop of a hat at the moment! (This is why I've not argued with him about anything - yet...) as I don't feel I've got the emotional energy to do it. Sorry for the long post 😬

Yes, he's in the dining room which is separate from where we are and although it isn't soundproof he shouldn't be able to hear much noise coming through from the living room.
He can only go into the office once a fortnight.
I just feel like I'm trying to do my best by my dd as she's very depressed and overwhelmed and has little support from dgs's father. I don't want her doing anything stupid, she's spoken of suicide before and I couldn't bear it.

I wrote a long post but then deleted it like a twat.
You and your daughter ABVU, it's really not OK to just turn up at your parents while they're working, let your kid run riot and leave a shit tip.

Your sons situation depends on the financial set up with your DH.

YABU I totally agree with him re having screaming kids around when working from home. She doesn't need to be around your house most days. I agree with not taking money if he goes into education - if though!!

There are plenty of ways to support you dd without allowing her to have free reign over your house all day, every day surely?

I am really sorry OP but you need to set some healthy boundaries with your daughter. My 10 year old son is diagnosed ASD & ADHD and it's very difficult but I would never take him to my mum's every day to make a noise and mess so I can get a "break".

My mum's husband also WFH at times. If he is WFH me and my kids are not there on those days. He is working not playing computer games. It's basic respect for my mum and her husband. I actually don't blame your DH for being annoyed. I would be furious if everyday a young child was messing my house and screeching while I was trying to work. It's virtually impossible to concentrate when a child is screaming in the background. This is your dh home to please put a stop to your DD doing this everyday or it will impact on your marriage.

I am a bit on the fence over your son's position. He is trying to better himself but he is 23 not 18. Are you paying for your son? Or is your dh being expected to share some of the financial burden?

What's with the scare quotes around support? 🙄

OP's daughter has a SN toddler and an unhelpful partner. It's good that she has family to support her.

A the British way, washing your hands of your family as soon as they hit 18! Ahhh the British way.

I feel rather sorry for OP here. For a start, she requested kindness from responders and certainly hasn't got it. Some of you need to have a word with yourselves. OP has basically described being a loving and supportive mother. I thought Mumsnet was all for that.

For another thing, I don't get why ninety per cent of you are on DH's side. I can totally imagine a very similar thread, postednon a different day, where everyone piles in to say what a cock-lodging man-child her DH is, and how she should get rid pronto.

OP did not say her grandson "screams his head off". Her DH did. We all know how intolerant and entitled an awful lot of men are. Recently I read on here about actual biological fathers sitting in their cars or going to the pub after work to avoid parenting their own young children. So when a man who is not even biologically related says that the child screams all day, it does not mean that the child, in fact, does, or that his mum and grandmother let him.

My son's father "goes on and on and on" and only shuts up when I finally, wearily, agree, so I can relate OP. And the menopause is sometimes shit. Hugs to you.

You sound like a fantastic mum supporting your DD. Is she getting any other sort of support?

I've a 2 year old being assessed for ASD and ADHD (plus a 7 year old ASD) no way in hell could anyone work from home with the 2 year old in the vicinity so sorry I'm on DH side here. Could you go round to your daughters and support her in her home? As for the finances that's a bit trickier and I feel a more personal situation, if your DS is working though I'd expect at least a token contribution, does DS help in other ways around the house?

YABU, it sounds like a nightmare for him.

It also sounds like your daughter is taking advantage of you and she knows you'll run round after her and your grandson on a daily basis. I'd never do this to my Mum.

This is understandable but you need to figure out a system and solution that works for everyone (including you!). Is there any reason why you couldn't arrange regular meet ups with your daughter and grandchild outside of your house? Being outside of a house and in a new enironment/fresh air might help her mental wellbeing too.

*posted on

I agree with your DH. YABU

Hi OP,

When you marry you get additional family membeYour children are your DHs children as he married you!

If he died you are his next of kin. If you both die, your children are your next of kin - as in they get everything unless a will overrides this.

I suggest two considerations

• Could you go to your DDs instead of her coming over to yours.

• Ask your DS for a small amount whilst not at uni and by small I mean small £30 a week assuming he's earning over £150 per week. Whilst he's at uni, no contribution is fairer, though if his lian allows for living expenses, you might want to ask fir a small contribution then too. You don't need to spend this money, you could save it all up and use it for a nice family event.

I really wish people on here would stop with the breadwinners income money isn't shared income rubbish. If money isn't shared you're in an abusive relationship. End of.

Yes, yabu. If you were working from home and your partner’s noisy grandchild was coming round every day I think you’d be complaining about that too.
I wfh and can’t get much done when the kids are off. Even low level background tv noise is distracting. It might depend on the job, but mine is very technical and requires concentration.
also, I don’t think it’s typical for grandparents to have grandchildren round every day of the week unless they are specifically doing childcare or they literally live next door.

I’m with your DH about your DD coming around every day making a mess then leaving, especially if he wfh.

It’s pretty disrespectful and it sounds like she only comes over so you can do everything for her and she can just sit there.

It’s lovely how involved you are but she is taking the mick.

I would tell her from now on that you need to work during the day so of course she can still come around but only after X time.

I don’t think you should ask your DS to pay if you’re happy with him not contributing.
However, it sounds like you barely work so it is your DH paying all of the bills which in that case he has every right to ask for some contribution off him.

I would tell DD she can’t come around during x hours and use those hours to work yourself, then you don’t need to ask DS for any money as you’ll be bringing in more money.

I feel rather sorry for OP here. For a start, she requested kindness from responders and certainly hasn't got it.

Well, starting the thread with a title like “my DH is a cunt” sort of sets the tone a bit…

I don’t actually think the OP is completely unreasonable to want to see her DD and DGC frequently, or to keep her promise to her DS to support him.

But neither is her DH a cunt for wanting some peace in his workday and a discussion about household finances with 3 adults living there.

OP isn’t treating him respectfully trying to keep living as if she’s the only member of the household with voting rights. He isn’t acting maturely by refusing to stop paying the bills.

It’s not a black and white/right and wrong situation.

Why can't you support your DD in her own house?

YABU with respect to your dd.

With regards to your ds, maybe he should contribute until he goes back to imo? Presumably he is being paid a full time wage at the moment ? I'm not sure if Yabu because we need more info about how your finances are set up. Is he paying more for stuff because you are supporting ds ?

Your DH has got a right to ask for a bit of peace and quiet/consideration when he's working from home, for example, he could ask if it's possible for you to go round to your DD's or for you to take your DGS to soft play or something. And he can also discuss with you about your DS contributing if he genuinely believes that your DS is taking the piss.

But the way you've described his foul mouthed complaints, the whinging and pathetic threats not to contribute either if your DS doesn't pay up? He's being ridiculous.

He should be supportive of your kids and work with you to support them, not resent them.

I just feel like I'm trying to do my best by my dd as she's very depressed and overwhelmed and has little support from dgs's father. I don't want her doing anything stupid, she's spoken of suicide before and I couldn't bear it.

Then support your daughter, OP. In her own home. That is not what is happening.

At the moment DD is showing up whenever the hell she wants, with no thought for anyone else, and walking all over you and your husband. You are not helping her.

If her mental health is as precarious as she claims, you should be getting social services involved, so they can support her and ensure the welfare of her child.

Meantime you are going to lose your marriage. You are allowing your children to abuse you, by you in turn becoming abusive toward your husband. If I was your DH, I'd already be gone.

This .

**Meantime you are going to lose your marriage. You are allowing your children to abuse you, by you in turn becoming abusive toward your husband. If I was your DH, I'd already be gone.

Steady on. The OP nor her children are being abusive. Thoughtless and pisstaking, yes. Abusive, no.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I certainly have plenty of food for thought. From reading what everyone has said, I feel I definitely need to re assess the situation. I haven't given all the details of my marriage situation as it could be quite outing, but briefly I had to get married or my DH would have been deported.
I shall sit down with him later and try to sort out a resolution to this. Thank again guys.