How to resolve this row with DH?

[Anexcellentstick]

Name changed in case outing.

I need some help working out how to discuss this situation with my DH, please. I'll try and be succinct.

We have a very, very poorly kitten. He's basically at home on symptom management until things are no longer manageable. This morning he appeared to have deteriorated, so I called the vet for advice and they asked to take him in, to see if it was time. Obviously, it's a really upsetting situation, it's been a horrible week overall. As it happens, the vet thinks he will last over the weekend with a few more meds.

DH had plans to go out at 1pm for lunch and beers with friends and then to go on somewhere to watch the football. I had shopping to do (pay day today, needed essentials), a toddler at home, and I wanted to spend as much time with kitten as possible as I thought they would put him to sleep. I phoned him this morning, asking if he could be flexible so I could get everything done before he goes out for the rest of the day and night. The answer was a flat 'no', and I'm really fucking cross. We ended up having quite half a heated argument earlier on in the morning, before the vet appointment, but couldn't finish it as I was on my way out of the door.

In general, DH does put our family first. He doesn't go out loads during the year, is accomodating when I make plans etc. The way he sees it, he doesn't go out as much in the year, but he then wants the freedom to go out more during big football tournaments. In principle, this is absolutely fine. HOWEVER, when we have a situation as we do, I find it really unattractive that he refuses to be flexible at all, to provide the practical and emotional support that I/we need, before going out.

The problem is that when I'm this cross or upset, he tends to just act like everything is normal and try and 'chat', but I can't engage and end up being very stony towards him. I know it's a terrible way to react, but I equally can't bring myself to just chat to him, or bring it up to the and resolve it. So he eventually went out as planned at 1, without me having said more than two words to him.

I do feel bad about that, and I will apologise for that when we eventually get a chance to talk tomorrow, but I also believe that I'm not actually wrong in how I feel. He has such an OTT, almost childish, obsession with football, especially these blasted tournaments, and I'm deeply hurt that he refused to just go out half an hour later when we thought our cat was going to be put to sleep and I was incredibly anxious and upset.

How do I get this across without fueling more of a row? Or am I more in the wrong that I think I am?

Oh god, that's long! Sorry 🤦‍♀️

He doesn’t care about the cat as much as you do, and you don’t care about his football. You are different people, trying to make him prioritise in the same way as you won’t work.

You’ve got all morning if he’s going out to foot ball there’s no flexibility with the start time of match
Also you say you are very stony I can’t stand that I’d be out of the house quick as possible for as long as possible . Grown adult sulking very hard work

So where was he before football at 1?

Sorry but I think I'm sort of with your OH. Unfortunately spending some time with kitten isn't going to change what will happen, you've presumably had days up until this point. Agree it's terribly sad and understand you'd be feeling emotional. But your DH has had this booked in for a while, he doesn't go out often and whether you like it or not - the world cup is a really big deal to lots of people. Plus you've got all AM first. I don't think he's being unreasonable.

Not quite sure why the issue of the kitten is relevant. It won't care whether you are there or not. It's not like holding the hand of a dying person. In fact it would probably prefer to be alone and able to enjoy the peace and quiet.

I doubt he was ready to tell his mates he would be late due to tending to a sick dkitten...
Poor kitty op
..

I think you need to apologise to your DH and have a chat about it. Just going out half an hour later means being late for his friends and letting them down.

Why are your prolonging the kitten's pain through the weekend before putting it down?
I completely understand that you love the cat and want to get some extra time with it...but if the cat needs to be put down, put it down. Don't delay the inevitable.

Also agree with what other posters said. How can your OH be flexible with a football match time? You can make arrangements for the cat and it has nothing to do with your OH's plans. You requesting to change them and accommodate you is unreasonable. I'm saying this as someone who loves animals and has two dogs. I get it I really do, but you can work around this situation and choose what happens when with your kitten. You don't need to alter dp's plans or expect him to feel the same as you about it.

I agree
Keeping your kitten alive with meds for a few more days is of no benefit to the kitten.
I love cats, I have had them all my life but when it’s time for them to go it’s cruel not to ease them on their way as quickly and easily as possible

the unreasonable one here is the vet who should have euthanised the kitten today rather than later.

My friend is a very old school vet who tells me that unfortunately this isn’t usually policy now. They can gently suggest but if the owner wants to keep going they will.
My friend doesn’t do that but apparently she’s in the minority

Sorry I'm with your dh too. It's a cat, I get people love their pets and it's sad when they get ill and die but I wouldn't expect him to change his plans because of a cat. Surely the vet shouldn't be prolonging this for the cat?

I'm sorry OP, I can see that you'd be very upset/stressed today with the situation with the cat.

But in general, if he has plans that have all been agreed and booked, it should be a priority. Youve said he doesn't go out very often and that his family comes first. If this one time he wants to do something for himself, I'd try to support that.

Equally, I'd expect the same in return when I was going out.

You mention he lacks flexibility in these type of situations when he does have this infrequent plans. Is there a chance there's something 'coming up' everytime he tries to take some time out?

I'm not quite sure what you were expecting from him tbh. That poor kitten though, why on earth are you keeping it alive over the weekend?

My friend is a very old school vet who tells me that unfortunately this isn’t usually policy now. They can gently suggest but if the owner wants to keep going they will.
My friend doesn’t do that but apparently she’s in the minority

that's awful! just a money making thing? our Vet was very clear when our elderly cat was end of life that he would keep up palliative care as long as we wanted as long as it was in the interests of the cat. But at some point he would tell us "no more".
In the event it didn't take long, and my lovely boy was euthanised pretty soon after that discussion. But i would have been grateful for straight talking.

I don’t know any bloke that would choose to sit home with a dying kitten rather than go out with mates For drinks and football .
Youre being ridiculous.

I don't understand. Did you think you needed to take longer than up to 1pm to shop for essentials?

Why did he need to be home? If the kitten is days away from dying then it probably wants to be alone. Cats very often try to be alone when they're suffering.

What was the reasoning behind keeping the cat alive a couple more days? Surely if it's suffering it should be euthanised asap.

Ok, that's fairly unanimous!

In my defence, a little (if I may), the plans weren't long standing plans, and with this group they are always being chopped and changed. The game they're watching doesn't KO until 7, they're just hanging about in a pub for six hours before. I wasn't asking for him not to go, or to go hours later; I had a lot to do this morning, and hadn't expected a vets trip to factor in as well. I was asking for him to possibly grab a taxi up to half an hour late to allow me time to do everything. It wouldn't have been major. And FWIW, had the shoe been on the other foot, I absolutely would have amended my plans.

I also totally get he isn't as emotionally attached to the cat as I am, however I was stressed and upset, and his stance felt very unsupportive.

@Ontheedge2 no, no regular issues with this type of thing. Quite often when he is out for the day, I cook him a big lunch, offer lifts, take him hangover remedies in the morning. It's unfortunate timing, and a horrible situation.

In terms of me being stony - I know it's awful. I was just so upset today that I couldn't bring myself to 'small talk' with him. I don't feel good about it, but no-one is perfect, and I will unreservedly apologise for this tomorrow (as I won't see him until then now).

In terms of the cat himself, I don't appreciate being pegged as unkind for not having him put down today. He isn't in any pain, but he isn't going to live a long life. The vets are baffled by his condition, SW of his symptoms returned overnight but ones that can be managed. I've never had a poorly pet before to have to make this call - I'm doing the best I can.

He has such an OTT, almost childish, obsession with football, especially these blasted tournaments
Major footy tournaments only happen every 2 years though, (Euros and World cup), so I think you're being very unreasonable. He's obviously not as upset as you are about the kitten, and that's fine.

I agree the poorly kitten is a higher priority, and I would not accept anything less than that from a partner. I'm furious with anyone who says otherwise.

I also agree with PPs if poorly kitten has little chance of survival, then it is cruel to prolong its life to make oneself feel better. I'm sorry about your cat, OP, but it sounds like it's time to say goodbye. You can ask the vet to PTS as a home visit (obviously very expensive if they can agree), if that would help.

And to clear up - the reason I needed him home was so I could get out to the supermarket (as we have bare cupboards, pay day today) whole the 2yo was in bed. I had another appt this morning and the vet appt clashed with my window to do the food shop. I wasn't expecting him to stay home with the cat when I was out! I'm not that unreasonable! 😅

I managed to whizz round the shop for very basic essentials to get us through today in the tiny window I had, and he went out at 1 as planned.

I can see why you'd say that, but he watches it religiously all the time - all English leagues, score shows, European championships etc. Every night that it's on. For this particular tournament, he has taken two weeks A/L to watch EVERY game in the group rounds and life revolves around it. It is tiring to live with at times, and for an extra beer six hours before the England game to be prioritised (over me, not the cat) is hurtful.

Just get the kitten to the vet earlier and put it out of its misery. Then you'll all be out of your misery and be able to get on with your shopping and football x

Yes, on both counts. We did the kindest thing with our last cat and paid the vet to come to our house. Our little cat was snuggled in my arms, purring till the needle went in, then dead within moments. I would have been disappointed in DH if he hadn’t been there for me.