How to resolve this row with DH?

[Anexcellentstick]

Name changed in case outing.

I need some help working out how to discuss this situation with my DH, please. I'll try and be succinct.

We have a very, very poorly kitten. He's basically at home on symptom management until things are no longer manageable. This morning he appeared to have deteriorated, so I called the vet for advice and they asked to take him in, to see if it was time. Obviously, it's a really upsetting situation, it's been a horrible week overall. As it happens, the vet thinks he will last over the weekend with a few more meds.

DH had plans to go out at 1pm for lunch and beers with friends and then to go on somewhere to watch the football. I had shopping to do (pay day today, needed essentials), a toddler at home, and I wanted to spend as much time with kitten as possible as I thought they would put him to sleep. I phoned him this morning, asking if he could be flexible so I could get everything done before he goes out for the rest of the day and night. The answer was a flat 'no', and I'm really fucking cross. We ended up having quite half a heated argument earlier on in the morning, before the vet appointment, but couldn't finish it as I was on my way out of the door.

In general, DH does put our family first. He doesn't go out loads during the year, is accomodating when I make plans etc. The way he sees it, he doesn't go out as much in the year, but he then wants the freedom to go out more during big football tournaments. In principle, this is absolutely fine. HOWEVER, when we have a situation as we do, I find it really unattractive that he refuses to be flexible at all, to provide the practical and emotional support that I/we need, before going out.

The problem is that when I'm this cross or upset, he tends to just act like everything is normal and try and 'chat', but I can't engage and end up being very stony towards him. I know it's a terrible way to react, but I equally can't bring myself to just chat to him, or bring it up to the and resolve it. So he eventually went out as planned at 1, without me having said more than two words to him.

I do feel bad about that, and I will apologise for that when we eventually get a chance to talk tomorrow, but I also believe that I'm not actually wrong in how I feel. He has such an OTT, almost childish, obsession with football, especially these blasted tournaments, and I'm deeply hurt that he refused to just go out half an hour later when we thought our cat was going to be put to sleep and I was incredibly anxious and upset.

How do I get this across without fueling more of a row? Or am I more in the wrong that I think I am?

Sorry, I can’t get past the vet saying the meds will keep the kitten going over the weekend. How unfair if the wee thing is going to be pts anyway.

Im avoiding the football assiduously, but isn’t it only every few years? I’d give the Dh a pass on this one.

Thank you all for your replies. There are some I'd like to respond to but I'm going to wait until tomorrow now as kitten has now gone, my son needs comforting and I have a friend on her way round so I have some too.

oh i'm sorry about the kitten OP, it's hard for kids. But it is part of life and so he must learn to handle it.
Probably better that the kitten wasn't struggling through the weekend

To be honest if I were your partner I’d have lost my rag with someone wanting to keep a suffering animal alive for their own benefit. It’s never easy losing a pet, but when you become a pet owner your grief is the sacrifice you make for the privilege of having them.

Ah, bless you.

Post in The Litter Tray if you’d like to talk about the kitten at any point. It’s hard being responsible for these furry people.

What the fuck??! Where have you got that I wanted to keep the cat alive for my own benefit?! Have you read any of the thread, up to the point where I've just taken him to be put down?! He wasn't put down earlier because the vet suggested seeing how he went with other medication; as soon as I saw this evening that he was going further downhill I called them. My DH's response/unhelpfulness earlier was NOTHING to do with this.

Don’t feel you need to respond to anyone, OP. It’s not your fault.

Just read the whole thread, so sorry OP. Look after yourself.

I’m sorry @Anexcellentstick
You’ve done the best you could for your kitten. There is little else you could have done really.

@Anexcellentstick

I just wanted to say I'm sorry about your little kitten 💐

I think you've been really reasonable & open to comments on this thread too. 💕

Sorry about your kitten OP. So hard when you lose a beloved cat but hard when they're still in kittenhood and not had a chance of a long life.
Take care xx

Sorry about your kitten @Anexcellentstick 😞 I hope your selfish husband isn’t hungover and selfishly useless again tomorrow.

That's a bit harsh, but I can see how he comes across like that. He gets a lot of A/L over the year, and makes sure he has enough for family time, holidays and emergencies before taking this sort of time off.

Get a supermarket delivery or a click and collect and let the cat go.

This. Yesterday was an unforseeable situation that warranted a degree of adjustment to the day. And you've hit the nail on the head - he can sometimes be so stubborn. Yesterday I needed kindness and a bit of support from him, and I am so disappointed that I didn't get any.

Football is high up his list of priorities, but he doesn't normally hold it higher than us. I've always known how big a thing is for him, but I can't say it doesn't grate on me. I wish he would grow out of it and stop caring as much as he does, but he's never going to change on that front.

It is absolutely his religion 😏 and that's exactly it. Things happen, and his response to it was crap. I get he doesn't care as much about the cat, but he's meant to care about me and the kids.

Anyway, he did come back earlier than expected last night because of the result (hah), and the kids woke him up nice and early this morning. We won't have a chance to talk until later but I appreciate all of the perspective I've been given via this thread.

And thanks to everyone offering well wishes. We're all so sad, he was such a lovely, young little thing.

Thank you, that's really kind to say. I'm glad I posted, it's been very helpful.

For this particular tournament, he has taken two weeks A/L to watch EVERY game in the group rounds and life revolves around it

In that case, he won’t just have been bother e about the England game which kicked off at 7 would he? As you said previously. There were other games on in the afternoon.

I'm so sorry about your kitten.

Hopefully you can make him understand he was being unreasonable
My DH is football mad too but he takes himself off to the dining room to watch it plus we're in Wales so he's not happy 😃

Yes I have read the full thread and in your first post you say this:

We have a very, very poorly kitten. He's basically at home on symptom management until things are no longer manageable.

I am sorry you have lost your kitten but I just don’t understand why you took a “very, very poorly” animal home to prolong its life and suffering instead of doing the right thing and putting it out of its misery. I apologise if my post was harsh but I feel quite strongly that as pet owners we should be putting the needs and welfare of animals first and unfortunately I have seen too many time where owners prolong a pet’s suffering because they can’t bear to let go.

Op stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse. This is a minor row between a couple and thr fact your partner tried to keep chatting as normal is a sign he is sane and emotionally healthy adult. You need therapy to fix that shit pattern of response

I don't think OP has done anything wrong with regard to her husband. He was unhelpful and unsupportive when flexibility was possible and support should have been automatic. I'd have been fucking furious with him and, yes, it would have taken awhile (a couple of hours) to stop being angry so he would have got short-shift in the meantime.

It's OK to not want to be chatty and smiley with someone when you're angry and upset by them. It's different to carry on doing that to punish them.

I can assure you that we weren't prolonging anything for our own sake. I think I've already said that we were going on the advice of the vet. Perhaps naïvely. I understand you feel strongly, but yes I think you were harsh in the context of everything.

Yes. Which he could have watched part of at home to offer a bit more support.

I totally agree that it was shit behaviour. I do recognise that, it isn't a 'pattern' or a regular thing, but I do know it isn't ok and I need to deal with my feelings differently in those situations.