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Original poster

How to resolve this row with DH?

111 replies

Anexcellentstick · 25/11/2022 14:36

Name changed in case outing.

I need some help working out how to discuss this situation with my DH, please. I'll try and be succinct.

We have a very, very poorly kitten. He's basically at home on symptom management until things are no longer manageable. This morning he appeared to have deteriorated, so I called the vet for advice and they asked to take him in, to see if it was time. Obviously, it's a really upsetting situation, it's been a horrible week overall. As it happens, the vet thinks he will last over the weekend with a few more meds.

DH had plans to go out at 1pm for lunch and beers with friends and then to go on somewhere to watch the football. I had shopping to do (pay day today, needed essentials), a toddler at home, and I wanted to spend as much time with kitten as possible as I thought they would put him to sleep. I phoned him this morning, asking if he could be flexible so I could get everything done before he goes out for the rest of the day and night. The answer was a flat 'no', and I'm really fucking cross. We ended up having quite half a heated argument earlier on in the morning, before the vet appointment, but couldn't finish it as I was on my way out of the door.

In general, DH does put our family first. He doesn't go out loads during the year, is accomodating when I make plans etc. The way he sees it, he doesn't go out as much in the year, but he then wants the freedom to go out more during big football tournaments. In principle, this is absolutely fine. HOWEVER, when we have a situation as we do, I find it really unattractive that he refuses to be flexible at all, to provide the practical and emotional support that I/we need, before going out.

The problem is that when I'm this cross or upset, he tends to just act like everything is normal and try and 'chat', but I can't engage and end up being very stony towards him. I know it's a terrible way to react, but I equally can't bring myself to just chat to him, or bring it up to the and resolve it. So he eventually went out as planned at 1, without me having said more than two words to him.

I do feel bad about that, and I will apologise for that when we eventually get a chance to talk tomorrow, but I also believe that I'm not actually wrong in how I feel. He has such an OTT, almost childish, obsession with football, especially these blasted tournaments, and I'm deeply hurt that he refused to just go out half an hour later when we thought our cat was going to be put to sleep and I was incredibly anxious and upset.

How do I get this across without fueling more of a row? Or am I more in the wrong that I think I am?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anexcellentstick · 26/11/2022 09:58

DisplayPurposesOnly · 26/11/2022 09:43

I don't think OP has done anything wrong with regard to her husband. He was unhelpful and unsupportive when flexibility was possible and support should have been automatic. I'd have been fucking furious with him and, yes, it would have taken awhile (a couple of hours) to stop being angry so he would have got short-shift in the meantime.

It's OK to not want to be chatty and smiley with someone when you're angry and upset by them. It's different to carry on doing that to punish them.

Thank you, I appreciate the support.

OP posts:
BrioLover · 26/11/2022 10:06

You've been really measured on here OP. Personally I think it was very selfish of your husband to go out drinking for several hours prior to the match when there is little to no food in the house and there's a poorly pet in the meantime. A slight adjustment to his time spent in the pub would have meant you could have completed the food shop. It's not a big ask.

I hope he's not a complete mess this morning so that he can offer some support to your poor DS, he must be devastated.

I do agree that in future to just not ask and 'do' instead, as a PP suggested. That way the balance is redressed in terms of priority (as the priority should never be drinking in the pub over food in the house!) without having to making a big deal of it.

Bumzoo · 26/11/2022 10:25

@Anexcellentstick I'm so glad you apologised for the sulking, the reason I hate it is because DH and I both used to do it when first married and then realised it's pretty shit. It's been so much better ever since we acknowledged it and don't do it anymore.

Original poster
Anexcellentstick · 26/11/2022 10:41

BrioLover · 26/11/2022 10:06

You've been really measured on here OP. Personally I think it was very selfish of your husband to go out drinking for several hours prior to the match when there is little to no food in the house and there's a poorly pet in the meantime. A slight adjustment to his time spent in the pub would have meant you could have completed the food shop. It's not a big ask.

I hope he's not a complete mess this morning so that he can offer some support to your poor DS, he must be devastated.

I do agree that in future to just not ask and 'do' instead, as a PP suggested. That way the balance is redressed in terms of priority (as the priority should never be drinking in the pub over food in the house!) without having to making a big deal of it.

Thank you.

He's hungover, but not disastrously so. Kids are currently making a delightfully big mess which I'm leaving for him to sort. We've spoken, he knows he was wrong yesterday for his stubbornness, I've explained how hurt I felt that his plans were prioritised when I needed him. We've both apologised, we both know we need to address our own parts in this, and we've had a big cuddle.

Thanks again everyone for giving me a talking to and support in equal measures. I needed both.

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 26/11/2022 10:53

I'm really sorry about puss @Anexcellentstick 🌻

TheSausageKingofChicago · 26/11/2022 11:15

I’m so sorry about your kitten 💐 Glad you’ve made your peace with DH. Sounds like you’ll all need a cuddle today.

RedAppleGirl · 26/11/2022 12:50

Not only was he wrong, but he also spent all day in the pub in anticipation, drinking and the game turned out to be dire.
Dp is off out on Tuesday, I'm glad, I need a rest from his face.😂

EarringsandLipstick · 26/11/2022 13:33

@Anexcellentstick

That's a really good update & mature from you both.

Original poster
Anexcellentstick · 26/11/2022 14:42

RedAppleGirl · 26/11/2022 12:50

Not only was he wrong, but he also spent all day in the pub in anticipation, drinking and the game turned out to be dire.
Dp is off out on Tuesday, I'm glad, I need a rest from his face.😂

Haha, abso-bloody-lutely!

OP posts:
Mom2K · 27/11/2022 15:16

I'm sorry to hear about your kitten OP, I hope you and your DC are ok. Also...after reading reading the updates after my first comment, I retract what I said earlier.

You were not at all unreasonable to ask him to push his plans back a little (since it was drinking plans which were hours ahead of the actual match) in order to complete the shopping and to show you some emotional support. And with your other updates with how he's got football on all the time at home and seems to prioritize it over everything....well, I'd not tolerate that at all. I know you're saying he isn't, but your DH sounds kind of selfish actually. Sorry :(

Original poster
Anexcellentstick · 27/11/2022 16:12

Mom2K · 27/11/2022 15:16

I'm sorry to hear about your kitten OP, I hope you and your DC are ok. Also...after reading reading the updates after my first comment, I retract what I said earlier.

You were not at all unreasonable to ask him to push his plans back a little (since it was drinking plans which were hours ahead of the actual match) in order to complete the shopping and to show you some emotional support. And with your other updates with how he's got football on all the time at home and seems to prioritize it over everything....well, I'd not tolerate that at all. I know you're saying he isn't, but your DH sounds kind of selfish actually. Sorry :(

Thank you. We are ok; my DS has been very emotional but kids are resilient.

I don't think many people would tolerate the level of football I do, tbh, but genuinely, it doesn't bother me that much most of the time. It's his passion, and it gives me plenty of free time to do what I want. He has become more flexible about it over the years, particularly since having the DC, so everything doesn't revolve around it like it maybe once did. He is normally very supportive, but he got it massively wrong on Friday. He has accepted that, and we're moving past it now (although I did manage to hammer it home a little more earlier today - when discussing what to have for lunch he was surprised we didn't have much in (we've still not had a chance to get the big shop done); I did relish the opportunity to tell him that had he given me the flexibility I asked for on Friday, we'd have a full kitchen and much more choice 😁)

OP posts:
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