How to resolve this row with DH?

[Anexcellentstick]

Name changed in case outing.

I need some help working out how to discuss this situation with my DH, please. I'll try and be succinct.

We have a very, very poorly kitten. He's basically at home on symptom management until things are no longer manageable. This morning he appeared to have deteriorated, so I called the vet for advice and they asked to take him in, to see if it was time. Obviously, it's a really upsetting situation, it's been a horrible week overall. As it happens, the vet thinks he will last over the weekend with a few more meds.

DH had plans to go out at 1pm for lunch and beers with friends and then to go on somewhere to watch the football. I had shopping to do (pay day today, needed essentials), a toddler at home, and I wanted to spend as much time with kitten as possible as I thought they would put him to sleep. I phoned him this morning, asking if he could be flexible so I could get everything done before he goes out for the rest of the day and night. The answer was a flat 'no', and I'm really fucking cross. We ended up having quite half a heated argument earlier on in the morning, before the vet appointment, but couldn't finish it as I was on my way out of the door.

In general, DH does put our family first. He doesn't go out loads during the year, is accomodating when I make plans etc. The way he sees it, he doesn't go out as much in the year, but he then wants the freedom to go out more during big football tournaments. In principle, this is absolutely fine. HOWEVER, when we have a situation as we do, I find it really unattractive that he refuses to be flexible at all, to provide the practical and emotional support that I/we need, before going out.

The problem is that when I'm this cross or upset, he tends to just act like everything is normal and try and 'chat', but I can't engage and end up being very stony towards him. I know it's a terrible way to react, but I equally can't bring myself to just chat to him, or bring it up to the and resolve it. So he eventually went out as planned at 1, without me having said more than two words to him.

I do feel bad about that, and I will apologise for that when we eventually get a chance to talk tomorrow, but I also believe that I'm not actually wrong in how I feel. He has such an OTT, almost childish, obsession with football, especially these blasted tournaments, and I'm deeply hurt that he refused to just go out half an hour later when we thought our cat was going to be put to sleep and I was incredibly anxious and upset.

How do I get this across without fueling more of a row? Or am I more in the wrong that I think I am?

This. I read your OP thinking I’d probably be on Team Kitten because I love cats (though I love football too!), but that overall your DH wasn’t wrong per se.

But your updates show that he wasn’t going to the football, he was going on a day session, and he couldn’t be flexible for half an hour while you did all the life admin and sorted the kitten. Which is a bit shit.

Instead of trying to carry on conversation and instead getting silent, don’t try to carry on conversation! He was being intractable and unhelpful; no reason why you have to respond to that by being happy about it.

I’m so sorry to hear about your kitten 💔It sounds like you have a good range of opinions but if it was me I’d be heartbroken and struggle to be rational. I hope his last few days are peaceful and full of love

shop online.stop put cat s short life as a priority when it would be kinder to everyone to let it pass. shop online.

I appreciate it looks like that, and at times that is the case - especially during the blasted tournaments. He won't go shopping tomorrow, he'll be hungover and have football on. Sunday there's football all day. I also have my own plans. He has kept the house clean in between matches/at half time etc , so he does has some uses 😉

Will he be able to actually see the football after 6 hours drinking! I'd be out cold! I think he could have been more considerate to your feelings, is he usually like this when you are upset?

I don’t know Op, I don’t have a man to help me with house chores but when my pet has been so I’ll, my priority has been taking them to the vet first regardless of grocery shopping needed to be done late at night with a toddler on tow.

You both are being selfish. In this occasion a deeply ill kitten should be getting the priority, not the pay day routine or the game. You will have time to sort any disagreements/do the shopping once the cat has been seen.

I don't think ywbu to ask him to drink for half an hour less when you thought you were having cat pts. I think he sounds like a prize knob I'm afraid

The England match kicks off at 7pm. He left the house at 1?

My exact thought as well

Yeah I hear you. I think in my head I thought I was going to be telling my son after school that his pet had died, and that then dragging him round the supermarket after would be even more stressful and unkind. We don't always call these things right.

Yeah, he is at times. He's also lovely in other ways. None of us are perfect.

Uh-huh

I have had told my son his pet is dying while dragging him to the vet and supermarket with me. Interestingly, it has helped him to understand that a dying pet takes priority over his or my comfort.

Well fair enough; I wouldn't be comfortable doing that though. My son is very outwardly emotional and it wouldn't have worked. We're all different though. In terms of prioritising the vets earlier though - I did. I contacted them early, was given an appointment, and made everything else fit to that as much as I could.

You say you only needed him to delay by half an hour which is not unreasonable but also not really needed either. I can't imagine 30 mins would make a huge difference to either of you.

If dh doesn't go out often i would have been fine with basic food shop today, if he is out often then I would be disappointed he couldn't reorganise a bit.

But what are you going to do with the forum information. Tell him Mumsnet thinks he's a knob.
He does sound inconsiderate however if he hardly goes out he's going to feel peeved at the cat having it's life prolonged which is intruding in his rare plans.
There are no winners in this argument.

30 minutes would have made the shop we needed possible, actually. But given you don't know where I live, how far things are and the timings of other appointments I can understand that you wouldn't know that.

YABU stony means sulking. I can't stand a sulking child let alone a grown adult.

The vet doesn't sound great either

Haha, I might just send him this link 😅

It isn't like he only ever goes out during tournaments. He does a fair amount socially, just less than me over the course of the year - and then more during these events in quick succession.

Anyway, for those concerned about cat - the meds given today have clearly not helped at all and the poor kitten is now going downhill quite rapidly. I'm taking him to the vets shortly. Please don't judge me for not asking them to do it earlier on. It's been very hard.

I’m really sorry about your poor kitten, OP.

I agree wholeheartedly with you, and I hate that side of me. I have sent him a message to basically say we'll talk more tomorrow but to apologise for that particular behaviour as I know it isn't nice.

As for the vet - they were just giving him a chance with a very complex situation.

I could not stand to be with a fucking lout who wastes half his annual leave jist to watch football, prioritises it year-round above literally everything else including his family, and demands six hours worth of alcohol consumption before watching England play. Utterly rank.

I phoned him this morning, asking if he could be flexible so I could get everything done before he goes out for the rest of the day and night. The answer was a flat 'no', and I'm really fucking cross.

Is your usual communication style to ask a question of your DH for which there is only actually one right answer? I’ve lived with someone like that and it’s incredibly annoying. When your cat is sick probably isn’t the best time to make the point, but if you asked if he could be flexible, one the answers available is ‘no’. I tend to direct/blunt at times but if it’s not a question, then don’t ask a question. It doesn’t soften the request; it’s just adds ambiguity and potential for resentment.

It sounds like your agreement with DH that it’s fine in principle for him to devote all his time to international football tournaments isn’t as fine as you made out in the OP Does he know that, because this seems a bigger issue than half an hour this afternoon? If this has been the setup for years, and you’ve said nothing to indicate that it’s not working for you anymore, I don’t think it’s unfair for him to carry on as normal. He’s not unreasonable to care more about football than the kitten (if that’s the case) and you’re not unreasonable to find that view unattractive either.

I don’t think he cares about the cat. And I have to say, I’d probably be with him there.
Ive never understood the passion some men have about football. It’s like a religion fir some of them.
Refusing to leave 1/2 hour later was crap from him, esp with the match starting at 7.00pm. Things happen and he could ga e helped you there.

Assuming he isn’t coming back that drunk tonight, I’d ask him to go and finish the shopping you didn’t do yesterday.

It sounds like your agreement with DH that it’s fine in principle for him to devote all his time to international football tournaments isn’t as fine as you made out in the OP Does he know that, because this seems a bigger issue than half an hour this afternoon? If this has been the setup for years, and you’ve said nothing to indicate that it’s not working for you anymore, I don’t think it’s unfair for him to carry on as normal.

The other possibility is that today was a very special case. The OP was stressed out and had less time than planned to do all the stuff that needed to be done (NOT related to the cat!). And he decide to ‘stick to the rules’ instead of being understanding, despite the fact she probable has accommodated him many times in the past.
Id also suggest that he sees the ‘Football will always go first’ rule as a compensation fir him being an involved dad and ‘accommodating partner’, when both if those things should be a given really….