How to resolve this row with DH?

[Anexcellentstick]

Name changed in case outing.

I need some help working out how to discuss this situation with my DH, please. I'll try and be succinct.

We have a very, very poorly kitten. He's basically at home on symptom management until things are no longer manageable. This morning he appeared to have deteriorated, so I called the vet for advice and they asked to take him in, to see if it was time. Obviously, it's a really upsetting situation, it's been a horrible week overall. As it happens, the vet thinks he will last over the weekend with a few more meds.

DH had plans to go out at 1pm for lunch and beers with friends and then to go on somewhere to watch the football. I had shopping to do (pay day today, needed essentials), a toddler at home, and I wanted to spend as much time with kitten as possible as I thought they would put him to sleep. I phoned him this morning, asking if he could be flexible so I could get everything done before he goes out for the rest of the day and night. The answer was a flat 'no', and I'm really fucking cross. We ended up having quite half a heated argument earlier on in the morning, before the vet appointment, but couldn't finish it as I was on my way out of the door.

In general, DH does put our family first. He doesn't go out loads during the year, is accomodating when I make plans etc. The way he sees it, he doesn't go out as much in the year, but he then wants the freedom to go out more during big football tournaments. In principle, this is absolutely fine. HOWEVER, when we have a situation as we do, I find it really unattractive that he refuses to be flexible at all, to provide the practical and emotional support that I/we need, before going out.

The problem is that when I'm this cross or upset, he tends to just act like everything is normal and try and 'chat', but I can't engage and end up being very stony towards him. I know it's a terrible way to react, but I equally can't bring myself to just chat to him, or bring it up to the and resolve it. So he eventually went out as planned at 1, without me having said more than two words to him.

I do feel bad about that, and I will apologise for that when we eventually get a chance to talk tomorrow, but I also believe that I'm not actually wrong in how I feel. He has such an OTT, almost childish, obsession with football, especially these blasted tournaments, and I'm deeply hurt that he refused to just go out half an hour later when we thought our cat was going to be put to sleep and I was incredibly anxious and upset.

How do I get this across without fueling more of a row? Or am I more in the wrong that I think I am?

The game they're watching doesn't KO until 7, they're just hanging about in a pub for six hours before. I wasn't asking for him not to go, or to go hours later; I had a lot to do this morning, and hadn't expected a vets trip to factor in as well. I was asking for him to possibly grab a taxi up to half an hour late to allow me time to do everything.

That's perfectly reasonable.

Thank you. I totally get that he isn't as upset as me and the kids. But it wasn't about his feelings about the cat today; I was asking for support for me, just to get everything done that I needed without worrying about time on top of the emotional stress.

I am worried about it being cruel to the kitten. However I have put my trust in the vets when they say he isn't in pain - perhaps wrongly! They are open tomorrow morning so any signs of distress I will call again (and yes - cancel my own lunch plans if need be!)

I'm lost. Presumably if he wasn't going out til 1pm you had several hours to a quick food shop for essentials?

Or were you out for hours?

A home visit saves the animal from the disturbance of being taken away from home and the stress of being in the waiting room among strange humans and animals, with the smell of fear all round. It really is worth the cost if you can manage it.

I had school run, then another appointment, then the vets one cropped up. We need a really big shop as not had any money the last week and low/out on everything, which meant a trip to the next town. The vets appointment meant I couldn't do that until later than planned, and would unlikely be back for 1. Admittedly, I also wanted to have some time at home with the cat, in case he was PTS there and then.

Would it be distressing for the children, though?

he has taken two weeks A/L to watch EVERY game in the group rounds

That’s a bit at odds with saying he’s only watching the England game tonight.

Regardless, you were upset about the kitten and stressed about fitting in the shopping. Emotions were running high so neither of you behaved great. Forgive and forget and move on.

If he was at home with the toddler, though, whilst you were doing the shopping and the vet, do you think he would seriously have just left at 1pm if you hadn’t made it back in time? Leaving your child alone?

And OP, I wouldn’t apologise. Your husband’s need for six hours’ drinking before the match is outweighed by your need for a bit of help. I’m all in favour of apologising if you’ve been unfair, but this would give him the message that your needs are unimportant.

Would it be distressing for the children, though

You do what's right for the cat. If your children are old enough to stand by quietly then you can discuss with them whether they would prefer to be there or not. If they can't stand by quietly I wouldn't allow them in the room. Same as going to the vets, really.

Not quite at odds... He's watching every game at home most days, he's only gone out today 'for' the England game, but they've gone to a pub which will be showing the others all day. So it's a bit of both, if that makes sense?

God no, he'd have stayed at home until I got home! I don't think I ever suggested he wouldn't? Maybe I should have just cracked on and not sought his agreement.

But I agree - I will certainly apologise for my side of things. I hope he will too.

The vet should have taken the lead in putting to sleep this vey sick animal who will gain no benefit from an extra weekend of its very poorly life.

I will be apologising for being incredibly stony, because it can't be nice to be around and I feel unhappy with how I acted, in spite of the fact I think my feelings were mostly justified!

I wouldn't speak to him again if he put football before our cat.

I’d have them occupied in another room. They’d just know the vet was coming to see the kitten, and then afterwards that the vet hadn’t been able to save him/her.
I hope it goes/went well for you both, whatever decision you made.

I understand what you mean that he’s only there ‘for’ the England game but if he really wanted to get there for kick-off for one of the other games perhaps that was why?

Maybe I should have just cracked on and not sought his agreement.

I mean, that’s what I’d have done. “Sorry love - vets ran late and now I’m not going to make it back from the supermarket till 1.30-2pm.”

Sometimes it’s the better option.

I honestly did wonder about why they didn't suggest it there and then. I think it's because he does look quite bright on the face of it; it really doesn't feel right. It's quite a complex situation, the details of the cats illness weren't relevant to this post but it isn't totally black and white. I'm not making excuses, as I've said I'm just trying to do my best for him.

I nearly told him not to come home tonight!

Honestly, he is so football focused that if they had put the cat down today, I'd have got home - probably in tears - and he'd have headed out without a second thought. I think that's what is fuelling my feelings about it; I don't believe he'd have been there for me. Because football and beer. As it happens, that situation didn't transpire but I genuinely think it would have.

That is absolutely why! It didn't even occur to me when on the phone as I was stressed and upset and wasn't expecting him to say no.

And yes - that's what I should have just done! But again - wasn't thinking clearly.

Thank you. Honestly it's been the hardest week. Trying to explain to an 8yo why his new kitten is too poorly to live much longer has been awful.

OP if it was just about fitting the shop in couldn't you have got a delivery or are there no slots anywhere where you are? I know they vary.

Oh and very, very sorry about your kitten and yes must be awful for your 8 year old. Tough week.

I phoned him this morning, asking if he could be flexible so I could get everything done before he goes out for the rest of the day and night. The answer was a flat 'no', and I'm really fucking cross.

In terms of how to discuss it, I think I’d backtrack and realise that when I phoned to ‘ask’ him to be flexible, what I really meant to convey at that point was that it wasn’t a request, where ‘no’ was an optional answer. What I really needed to do at that point was to inform him that he needed to change his plans by 30 minutes to an hour.

So when discussing it, I’d say something like

DH, I’m really sorry I was snappy and stonewalled you before the football yesterday. I was frustrated with you that I’d asked for your help and you’d said no. I’ve realised that actually I wasn’t clear enough - I needed your help and ‘no’ wasn’t an acceptable option for me. I should have said I’d be 30 minutes late back instead of asking permission from you.

Can't get same day here. I ended up just getting some basic essentials and will have to fit in a big shop over the weekend.

Thank you, that's really helpful.

Can you send him shopping over the weekend?

It sounds to me like you have all the responsibilities.