**Trigger Warning** I think my ex may have committed suicide

[NCfail1]

Hello everyone,

NC for this.

I am quite concerned about my ex, who is the father of my DC. To give a bit of a backstory. He was abusive in every way possible towards me and due to this he only has supervised visits/telephone with the DC.
I do have an injunction against him-just to netigate anymore involvement but we are allowed to communicate with each other concerning the DC.

Recently, for the past few months, ex mental health has been spiralling down. He was sending me frequent texts about wanting us to get back together and if not he will kill himself. Of course, I first, I was worried and tried to talk him out of it but after a while, I soon began to ignore him.

Two months ago, one of his relatives contacted me that he was admitted into hospital because he tried to commit suicide. I contacted one of his friends (who sent me a rude message) to check on his well-being.

On social media, he kept putting up posts that he wants to 'kill himself' and that because he is "30, has no family, no job, there's no point in life". He even commented that no one should let me come to his funeral as I am "evil" . A week ago, he sent me a message to say 'Happy Birthday' to once of the DC's, who birthday is coming up soon, incase his not around. Then he called me, and I got a bit annoyed with him- a bit snappy and ended the call.

This week, he missed his contact session with the DC's. He has never done this before. He also missed the telephone session. Which he has never done before. When the DC attempted to contact him, he was unable to get through and just told me that 'Daddy's phone has been off since Sunday, I can't get through to him". I then attempted to contact him but DC was right, his phone is off.

I don't know what to do. Although, he has made my life shit in so many ways. He is still the father of my DC's and I'm worried about his mental health being. I don't know what to do- without getting myself too involved.

Don't feel bad.

Do not feel bad, he is not your responsibility and it sounds like he has been using manipulation tactics. I hope he is ok, and if he is I would block his number and stop all communication with him or this will just continue.

If he has harmed himself then that was his choice and he would have done it regardless of your actions. People have awful things happen to them and do not harm themselves, if someone choices to do that then it’s never someone rises fault.

My Ex used to do this to me, he would disappear for days, having no contact with anyone (including his kids) and every time I had the police do a welfare check he was found. In the end I blocked his number and stopped all contact completely. As far as I know he has not went missing since.

Don’t feel bad. Are they going to do a welfare check?

I feel the need to point out here that the police have a horrifically poor record of involvement with abuse cases, including after you've left your abuser, so I'm not surprised to hear OP being questioned the way she was. Speaking from personal experience.

I hope there's an update from the OP soon.

No update unfortunately. The police just said that they will look for an address and that was that. I don't think they will be able to find him.

He's father to her children! You don't do nothing if somebody is at risk of suicide ffs.

What she shouldn't do is get back with him. Not let him go unchecked.

I can see you've contacted the police so hopefully they can help, but do you still have the contact details of the friend of his who messaged you? Maybe you could ask him.

@NCfail1 you've done all you can do, you've tried to get him help. I really, really hope that this turns out to be a total bluff on his part because I wouldn't want you to feel guilty if he's dead (you shouldn't anyway, his choice,not yours).On the other hand I'm raging that he is such a total twat of a man that you have to live through his abuse and even now he won't leave you in peace. His own family don't care, he has to be supervised to see his DC, he must be a deeply flawed character. Please remember all the reasons you needed to leave him and don't let him ruin your life again

You were all right.

Stupid fool I was.

An hour ago, I received a call from a private number thinking it was the police. I answered the call and I hear a pause... and it's their dad. He said he wanted to speak to the DC's. I told him I called the police and cut the phone.

Stupid, stupid,

Ah. You're not stupid, you're a decent, good-hearted person.

He's a manipulative bastard.

You're not stupid at all.

Even after all he has put you through you did the kind and caring and right thing.

It's not your fault he is a manipulative bastard.

Didn't want to read and run. I had a family member whose ex would do this. You're far from stupid. I hope you can relax now, don't let him wind you up anymore. I'd be concerned he's bringing the kids into his unstable behaviour, making them worry needlessly, perhaps slowly cut the contact they have if it can happen comfortably for them. My family members children still miss their dad (he eventually drank himself into an early death, doesn't make his abusive behaviour and less though, he had the chance to get help but it's on them to take it.) Be strong and confident that you are a kind hearted person, despite everything, you still had the decency to get the welfare check done without running round to his house personally and playing into his hands.

I have had a family member die from suicide, the top and bottom of it is, if they're going to do, they're going to do it no matter what you do. So please take that burden off yourself. If he'd been decent towards you, he'd still have his family and relationship etc. Good luck moving forwards ❤️

Obviously the police tracked him down - hence his goading call.

He is vicious.

You are not stupid.

I also have a family member who behaved like this - until the day they did it - along with the vicious notes to a select few telling them it was their fault that they were taking their life. It even has a name - it’s called a ‘hostile suicide’ and manages to blow families apart and inflict so much damage.

I would take this opportunity to step right back and cut contact so that you are not held hostage like this. Disgraceful.

Did you read the OP?

To give a bit of a backstory. He was abusive in every way possible towards me and due to this he only has supervised

This means mental, physical and sexual abuse. Children aren't just refused proper time with their fathers and mother's aren't just given injunctions against ex partners. So yes, people are advocating for a sexual abuser to be checked on.

And yes, this whole situation is sexually coercive as it's about trying to force the op into a relationship with this shit bag and to be his babysitter. Which all the cheerleaders here are complicit in

Now block the sick fucker and never let him darken your door.

I'm not reading all that. I'm sure her children would want their father to be alive. It takes one phone call. Thanks.

Again, there's a difference between calling 999: 'hey can you check up on this person'

and getting back with an abuser.

Haven't RFTF but NOBODY would advocate that.

You’re the only person making it a choice between those extremes. 🙄

This is a man who abused the OP, and continues to do so after divorce. Significantly, suicide threats are a key tool in his post-divorce abuse arsenal.

It’s perfectly reasonable for the victim if that abuse to choose to completely ignore all suicide threats and do nothing. Because the alternative is being drawn further into the abuse.

It is not an abused woman’s responsibility to worry about whether or not her abusive ex is just threatening or has actually ended his life. Whether he’s the father of her children or not.

What about the next time he does this? Or the time after that? How many phone calls should the op make, how many nights of sleep should she waste worrying about the welfare of her abusive ex, while he deliberately pretends to be dead to both her and their kids?

Fortunately for you, you sound pretty sheltered tbh with regards to this kind of situation.

OP - sorry he's putting you through this. At least now you know this is a just another tactic of his abuse and it's definitely not your responsibility to respond in future.

That was a reply to @CrankiBobs

@Rocksludge WTF are you taking abou? Calling the police for a welfare check is not an extreme. Even suicide is not an extreme. I have experienced both a close family suicide and a severely abusive relationship when very young. Next. 👍

These are the false extremities YOU came up with - because we know that you're not advocating that op get back with him. No one said you were. It's a straw man argument.

But you are guilt tripping ppl in OP's situation who would refuse to engage with his escalation of abuse. That's the issue.