**Trigger Warning** I think my ex may have committed suicide

[NCfail1]

Hello everyone,

NC for this.

I am quite concerned about my ex, who is the father of my DC. To give a bit of a backstory. He was abusive in every way possible towards me and due to this he only has supervised visits/telephone with the DC.
I do have an injunction against him-just to netigate anymore involvement but we are allowed to communicate with each other concerning the DC.

Recently, for the past few months, ex mental health has been spiralling down. He was sending me frequent texts about wanting us to get back together and if not he will kill himself. Of course, I first, I was worried and tried to talk him out of it but after a while, I soon began to ignore him.

Two months ago, one of his relatives contacted me that he was admitted into hospital because he tried to commit suicide. I contacted one of his friends (who sent me a rude message) to check on his well-being.

On social media, he kept putting up posts that he wants to 'kill himself' and that because he is "30, has no family, no job, there's no point in life". He even commented that no one should let me come to his funeral as I am "evil" . A week ago, he sent me a message to say 'Happy Birthday' to once of the DC's, who birthday is coming up soon, incase his not around. Then he called me, and I got a bit annoyed with him- a bit snappy and ended the call.

This week, he missed his contact session with the DC's. He has never done this before. He also missed the telephone session. Which he has never done before. When the DC attempted to contact him, he was unable to get through and just told me that 'Daddy's phone has been off since Sunday, I can't get through to him". I then attempted to contact him but DC was right, his phone is off.

I don't know what to do. Although, he has made my life shit in so many ways. He is still the father of my DC's and I'm worried about his mental health being. I don't know what to do- without getting myself too involved.

Defo contact the police as suggested. After that try to relax and see what happens. Sending hugs to you and your children.

I don't think it's odd that his mother has had to detach. And i agree that you need to do that too. It is absolutely nothing to do with you not answering a text. You request a welfare check for his sake and your children's sake but if he has harmed himself it is NOT your fault. It's just the only way he can think of to keep abusing you.

Yes I'd contact police rather than friends and then detach. It's the minimum drama thing to do - what you'd do if you were concerned about a neighbour for example

Don't do anything, it really is not your concern DC's or no DC's. Ignore, just see what happens. Don't get sucked in.
Mt first husband had schizophrenia and made our life a living hell and when that failed due to court intervention resorted to this kind of behaviour. He is still alive 40 years later.
If he isn't dead this could be highly abusive behaviour yet again in an attempt to either win you back or make everyone feel sorry for him and manipulate you through the children.
Hard as it is ignore it. You are NOT responsible for his well being.

Contact the police. Explain the background that you can't contact him directly and nor do you want to due to past abuse but that your children are worried about their dad. Ask them to let you know, his kids are next of kin/related but ask due to the situation he not be told you enquired, just that "a member of the public was concerned".

Whoever facilitates contact probably knows his address

You’ve had some good advice (and some bad advice to ignore it) and I agree, a police check is right.

whatever happens, is not your fault. You didn’t cause anything by ignoring him.

I agree with getting him checked on - your children are worried.

I agree with this. He's got you frantic with worry - he's punishing you.

To the People saying 'do nothing,not your responsibility etc' Are you actually for real?

Regardless of the past he is Ops Childrens dad ffs, It is easy to type this crap anon on a forum but just stop and think there is a real person at the end of this, Anyone who would give that advice in real life is seriously fucked up imo.

Please contact the police and ensure he gets the support he needs. I hope it’s not too late for the sake of your children. Sending love to you during this difficult time.

The police would do a welfare check, they get this all the time and take it seriously and go check on people. You want the police to be the ones who go there in case something really has happened they'll be the best people to handle it.

Don't do anything? What the fuck!

OP the police is exactly the right thing to do because in the moment you are the one who can raise the alarm. You don't have to continue to be so though, agree with a PP who mentioned pulling back and detaching for the sake of you and your children.

This

When you call 101 you may be able to ask that nothing is divulged about who asked for the welfare check. I think it's the right thing to do. However, you are not responsible for his issues, so once you've requested the check, please try to disengage. Best of luck 👍

My abusive ex used to do this. Repeatedly. I ordered that many welfare checks. Deep down I knew it was bullshit and he was trying to control me, guilt me etc but I also knew that if it was genuine I could never live with it and I'd be stuck like that forever which is also exactly what he would have wanted.

So on both levels I decided not to give him the satisfaction, I never responded but would call in a welfare check. Once they found him having a gathering with friends when he'd messaged me to say he had taken a load of pills and was saying bye before he passed out. Once he told me he was about to jump in the canal, they found him tucked up in bed at home with a cuppa.

He also had terminal cancer apparently.

That was ten years ago, the man is still going, and as far as I know still a prick, but no doubt to someone else... and I pity whoever that may be.

OP I hope that is just him being a prick for your children's sakes. You've done the best thing to get out of there, just be there for your children and stay strong x

Ring the Crisis team, and they will chase it up
well done OP for actually caring

Police welfare check. Can you block him and just communicate re children via a specific app. It’s abusive to you to be sending messages like he has been whatever his state of mind.

Just put it in the hands of the police. Every time.

He didn't miss an appointment today, but earlier in the week. So actually if he committed suicide a welfare check is probably not all that useful 🤔

So I am not sure why some posters are insisting it is cruel to not ask for one.

I wouldn't as I think he is doing it for attention from the op who he is trying to manipulate and frankly it's too late if he isn't.

You're doing it for the sake of your children. They need to know you followed through in their concern.
Hoping he's ok

A welfare check is a sensible thing to request. And then it's out of your hands, as he is NOT your responsibility. But I do understand that you need to be able to prepare your DCs if the worst has happened.

Care once. Call in a welfare check. Hopefully he will be found well and healthy.

If it turns out that he is fine, please do not let yourself be manipulated again. No matter the provocation, no more welfare checks. No more outward signs that you care (obviously you do, this is your dcs' dad).

If he misses one or multiple contacts with the dc, admit that you do not know why exactly, but that sometimes Dad is feeling a little overwhelmed or unwell and that everyone hopes he will feel better soon. Assure them that when he feels better, he will be in touch.

Sadly if you run around playing to his drama, he will keep it up. Which is awful for your dc.

I hope for the sake of your dcs that he is well, OP.

If this does turn out to be a false alarm I would be going back to court to end his contact as this is recognised as a form of continued coercive control - common in post-separation relationships where there is some residual communication regarding children. The impact of this behaviour on you means it is directly harmful to your children too (even if they're not necessarily aware of his threats).

Police often do welfare checks in those circumstances - even if you don't know his exact address, he may in the system or they could do checks with benefits/council tax etc