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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

**Trigger Warning** I think my ex may have committed suicide

175 replies

NCfail1 · 25/11/2022 10:17

Hello everyone,

NC for this.

I am quite concerned about my ex, who is the father of my DC. To give a bit of a backstory. He was abusive in every way possible towards me and due to this he only has supervised visits/telephone with the DC.
I do have an injunction against him-just to netigate anymore involvement but we are allowed to communicate with each other concerning the DC.

Recently, for the past few months, ex mental health has been spiralling down. He was sending me frequent texts about wanting us to get back together and if not he will kill himself. Of course, I first, I was worried and tried to talk him out of it but after a while, I soon began to ignore him.

Two months ago, one of his relatives contacted me that he was admitted into hospital because he tried to commit suicide. I contacted one of his friends (who sent me a rude message) to check on his well-being.

On social media, he kept putting up posts that he wants to 'kill himself' and that because he is "30, has no family, no job, there's no point in life". He even commented that no one should let me come to his funeral as I am "evil" Confused. A week ago, he sent me a message to say 'Happy Birthday' to once of the DC's, who birthday is coming up soon, incase his not around. Then he called me, and I got a bit annoyed with him- a bit snappy and ended the call.

This week, he missed his contact session with the DC's. He has never done this before. He also missed the telephone session. Which he has never done before. When the DC attempted to contact him, he was unable to get through and just told me that 'Daddy's phone has been off since Sunday, I can't get through to him". I then attempted to contact him but DC was right, his phone is off.

I don't know what to do. Although, he has made my life shit in so many ways. He is still the father of my DC's and I'm worried about his mental health being. I don't know what to do- without getting myself too involved.

OP posts:
Unicornenthusiast · 25/11/2022 11:38

I would not have any direct contact with your ex on the phone or via text, I would either communicate purely about the children via email or appoint a third party to relay information about the children. You do not need to communicate with your ex directly and you should certainly not get drawn into his abuse again.

I had MH training once and the trainer told us to disengage if a person is threatening to commit suicide and contact the relevant authorities instead i.e.police or ambulance. Your ex's MH is not your nor your children's responsibility. Yes you can contact the police for a welfare check but I would completely disengage afterwards and limit communication to bare minimum.

Xiaoxiong · 25/11/2022 11:40

I also think you're doing the right thing and your friends are wrong. Really hope it's a good outcome for your kids' sake and wish you all the best supporting them through whatever happens Flowers

Feef83 · 25/11/2022 11:42

NCfail1 · 25/11/2022 10:32

Thank you everyone. I'm going to call the police. 101 to do a welfare check. All my friends think I'm silly for doing this. But I wouldn't live with myself knowing that he has done something and I knew about it.

Do this.

then… put well and truly to back of mind and get on with your day

Original poster
NCfail1 · 25/11/2022 11:43

Unicornenthusiast · 25/11/2022 11:38

I would not have any direct contact with your ex on the phone or via text, I would either communicate purely about the children via email or appoint a third party to relay information about the children. You do not need to communicate with your ex directly and you should certainly not get drawn into his abuse again.

I had MH training once and the trainer told us to disengage if a person is threatening to commit suicide and contact the relevant authorities instead i.e.police or ambulance. Your ex's MH is not your nor your children's responsibility. Yes you can contact the police for a welfare check but I would completely disengage afterwards and limit communication to bare minimum.

You are right.

As funny as it sounds. I wanted us to have a co parenting relationship and hope that one day it would build into an amicable relationship for the DC's sake. Although my own parents were not good for each other, when they divorced, they had a fantastic coparenting relationship. But I've realised that to have one with the DC's ex is just a fantasy.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 25/11/2022 11:56

Personally, I wouldn't do anything other than support your children who sound like they have been emotionally abused and manipulated by this man. You aren't his carer or his partner. You don't even know where he lives. He must have someone in his life (friends, neighbours, guy from the chippy who knows he always comes every Friday) who knows his routines and where he lives and could raise the alarm if he vanished. He isn't your responsibility. Your dc are. I would focus on them and buffering them from the chaos he is causing in their lives, and let the people actually in his life handle the rest.

elisenbrunnen · 25/11/2022 11:56

As per a PP - I think there must be 'something wrong' with me, as I would probably do nothing.

I might phone the Police for a welfare check, but that is as far as I would go, for someone who OP said 'abused me in every way'. His mental health is his responsibility, no one else's.
My DPs neighbour died recently, I felt nothing. She'd been a 'friend' (read 'user') of his a long time ago, and when I came on the scene was doing the 'pick me' dance so strong, even though she'd never had any interest in him, nor he her. She threatened my kids, for something she'd made up that he'd done. She got her whole family to cut him dead, even her teenage dd who we'd taken to hospital with bad cuts after a night out at 2am.

I felt nothing.
Another neighbour was stabbed to death by his 'girlfriend'/drinking partner and I felt nothing. He (neighbour) was an alcoholic, noisy (2-3 am screaming and throwing things type), abusing thug, threatened me once so I had to get the Police involved...
I was glad he'd gone.

girlmom21 · 25/11/2022 11:57

@elisenbrunnen her kids deserve to know if they're dads just not turning up to arranged contact

girlmom21 · 25/11/2022 11:57

*their

elisenbrunnen · 25/11/2022 11:59

His kids should be his responsibilty. If he felt any, he would not go NC, let alone threaten suicide.
No way should anyone be suggesting that he is OPs responsibility.
IF he commits suicide, it's on him.

MadeForThis · 25/11/2022 12:03

I would do a welfare just for the kids benefit. They sound like they are getting worried. They deserve to know.

Doornish · 25/11/2022 12:04

NCfail1 · 25/11/2022 11:43

You are right.

As funny as it sounds. I wanted us to have a co parenting relationship and hope that one day it would build into an amicable relationship for the DC's sake. Although my own parents were not good for each other, when they divorced, they had a fantastic coparenting relationship. But I've realised that to have one with the DC's ex is just a fantasy.

Show quote history

He is high risk.

Previous attempt, spiralling MH and calling it out on SM and to you.

Both things are going on here though.

He is abusing you and your DCs and his MH is in crisis.

Its clear he needs professional assistance. It would be inappropriate / negligent for anyone unqualified to take over - the sole responsibility is to alert the experts.

And then step away.

You also need to take responsibility for cutting contact to protect yourself and to make it clear to him that these threats have the opposite consequence of what he wanted.

This looks to be one of many attempts or threats. It might not be the last. He might get help and restore his MH or he might not and stay the same or end his life.

These are all events you have zero control over except to not allow yourself to be emotionally hijacked by his behaviour by protecting yourself and your DCs.

Original poster
NCfail1 · 25/11/2022 12:05

I have logged it with 101. The officer questioned me as to why I didn't tell them
sooner but I said because of the relationship we have had in the past and what his been saying to me- I didn't know if he was manipulating me. I just feel very bad.

OP posts:
beonmywaythen · 25/11/2022 12:06

This is not your fault in any way. This is all ok him.

Doornish · 25/11/2022 12:11

mindutopia · 25/11/2022 11:56

Personally, I wouldn't do anything other than support your children who sound like they have been emotionally abused and manipulated by this man. You aren't his carer or his partner. You don't even know where he lives. He must have someone in his life (friends, neighbours, guy from the chippy who knows he always comes every Friday) who knows his routines and where he lives and could raise the alarm if he vanished. He isn't your responsibility. Your dc are. I would focus on them and buffering them from the chaos he is causing in their lives, and let the people actually in his life handle the rest.

I00%.

Your ex has already done untold damage to your DC emotional development even if you can’t see that at the moment. The stress, chaos and abuse they have sensed, witnessed will have been absorbed and internalised and will likely come out later as chronic anxiety / depression / behaviour issues which can last a lifetime.

They need you to detach from him emotionally, circle the wagons and provide a secure, calm, predictable, safe environment to off-set any damage. This will be the best thing for your future as well.

Do you have adequate professional or informal support to help you recover from what you have endured and continue to do so?

elisenbrunnen · 25/11/2022 12:12

How dare they 'question you as to why you didn't log it sooner'!! He is NOT your responsibility in any way. Why didn't his MOTHER log it? His friends ? His other family? Why should you - his ex wife, his abused, scared-of-him ex wife be the one concerned for his welfare?

Not your fault. HIS. From start to finish, it's his fault what happens to him.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 25/11/2022 12:14

Truthfully I would do nothing.

Whichwhatnow · 25/11/2022 12:15

I hope everything is ok with him OP. Like you say, he's still your DC's dad. Two of my friends have been through this with their kid's dad and it's fucking rough. He may just be having a bit of a depressive episode and needs to be alone for a bit - I have been in that place when my depression was worse. Try not to worry too much yet x

Whichwhatnow · 25/11/2022 12:16

And yes, this is not your fault. His mental health is not your responsibility.

LavenderfortheBees · 25/11/2022 12:16

Remember the boy who cried wolf? Even if he has come to harm, it was his behaviour that influenced your perception of the risk. You are not at fault here at all.

BaddogGooddoggy · 25/11/2022 12:16

This is a nightmare for you OP, I hope it ends well. Stay strong 💪

L0bstersLass · 25/11/2022 12:17

elisenbrunnen · 25/11/2022 12:12

How dare they 'question you as to why you didn't log it sooner'!! He is NOT your responsibility in any way. Why didn't his MOTHER log it? His friends ? His other family? Why should you - his ex wife, his abused, scared-of-him ex wife be the one concerned for his welfare?

Not your fault. HIS. From start to finish, it's his fault what happens to him.

Totally agree with this post.
@NCfail1 - you have done nothing wrong here. Please do not feel bad.

diddl · 25/11/2022 12:18

I just feel very bad.

Please don't.

Wibbly1008 · 25/11/2022 12:19

NCfail1 · 25/11/2022 10:20

But shouldn't I call the police? What happens if he has committed suicide?

He has friends and he has family. He is no longer your responsibility but if you feel you need to call police you can do this, report it and leave it there. It sounds like you have been a target of long term tactics and you’re still not getting yourself off the wheel by feeding into it. It is very sad when people are ill, but the hospital know he has previous problems and he should have a mental health worker as a result. Please stop feeding into this for the sake of your child.

Rocksludge · 25/11/2022 12:22

NCfail1 · 25/11/2022 12:05

I have logged it with 101. The officer questioned me as to why I didn't tell them
sooner but I said because of the relationship we have had in the past and what his been saying to me- I didn't know if he was manipulating me. I just feel very bad.

Hopefully he’s not done anything and it’s simply him increasing the scope of his manipulation (even though that is also bad).

If that’s the case, I think you should report every single suicide threat he makes to 101. This creates a record of his manipulation and abuse, and will cause the police to escalate it in whichever way they deem appropriate.

And you can document that he’s drawing the children into this emotional abuse in increasingly harmful ways (to them) too. Supervised contact may no longer be appropriate.

If, on the other hand, he has done something, you are not to blame in any way. He’s been abusing you so, of course, you have stopped responding when he makes these kind of threats.

Elieza · 25/11/2022 12:24

You are not responsible for his choices. Whatever they are. He’s had plenty opportunities to get his life sorted and chose not to. He could have called the police or the Samaritans himself, he had a working phone as he managed to contact you. He was trying to manipulate you again. He cried wolf. It was his choice. Try not to feel bad. None of this is on you. The officer shouldn’t have said what they did. Probably didn’t think and just asked a question. But shouldn’t have. Stay strong.