**Trigger Warning** I think my ex may have committed suicide

[NCfail1]

Hello everyone,

NC for this.

I am quite concerned about my ex, who is the father of my DC. To give a bit of a backstory. He was abusive in every way possible towards me and due to this he only has supervised visits/telephone with the DC.
I do have an injunction against him-just to netigate anymore involvement but we are allowed to communicate with each other concerning the DC.

Recently, for the past few months, ex mental health has been spiralling down. He was sending me frequent texts about wanting us to get back together and if not he will kill himself. Of course, I first, I was worried and tried to talk him out of it but after a while, I soon began to ignore him.

Two months ago, one of his relatives contacted me that he was admitted into hospital because he tried to commit suicide. I contacted one of his friends (who sent me a rude message) to check on his well-being.

On social media, he kept putting up posts that he wants to 'kill himself' and that because he is "30, has no family, no job, there's no point in life". He even commented that no one should let me come to his funeral as I am "evil" . A week ago, he sent me a message to say 'Happy Birthday' to once of the DC's, who birthday is coming up soon, incase his not around. Then he called me, and I got a bit annoyed with him- a bit snappy and ended the call.

This week, he missed his contact session with the DC's. He has never done this before. He also missed the telephone session. Which he has never done before. When the DC attempted to contact him, he was unable to get through and just told me that 'Daddy's phone has been off since Sunday, I can't get through to him". I then attempted to contact him but DC was right, his phone is off.

I don't know what to do. Although, he has made my life shit in so many ways. He is still the father of my DC's and I'm worried about his mental health being. I don't know what to do- without getting myself too involved.

Good luck op this does sound very hard. I think you’ve had good advise.I hope for your dc that everything’s ok

It is never silly to get the police to do a welfare check on the father of your children. Abusive or not you are doing the right thing calling them. As for what he us saying you are not responsible for his mental health or actions he takes. You cannot "save him" he has to save himself

For what it's worth, I think you're doing the right thing. No matter what he's done to you in the past, he has been a constant presence in your childrens' lives and they are obviously concerned about him.

This might all be more mind games from him to mess with you, but reporting his disappearance to police has a few benefits:

• if he has done something, he will hopefully be found
• if he is messing you around, you have evidence that you were the better person, should it end up in court around access

Give the police all the information you have. If he's got a driving licence or a car they should be able to track down his address and do a welfare check.

Once you've reported it, do your best to put it out of your mind. Don't pass on your worries to your DC. Just say "I'm not sure what's happened - perhaps Daddy's phone broke." Try not to make any promises to them, just in case something has happened.

If he does turn up like nothing happened, he'll be expecting you to fawn over him saying "oh, thank goodness you're OK". Just do your best to keep a straight, unemotional face, and not refer to it at all.

I hope it all turns out OK OP.

It definitely sounds as if he's trying to manipulate you into giving him attention.

I know he's your DC dad but he's mentally torturing you.

I'd guess he's fine.. if I'm wrong then I apologise.

I would ask the police to do a check. Please don’t hesitate.
I did this once for a dd’s boyfriend, who had threatened suicide and had failed to turn up for a very important appt. I’d arranged for him. I went to his flat - no answer - I was worried sick.

The police managed to get into into his flat - he wasn’t there. I found out later that he was fine - he simply hadn’t bothered to turn up.
I felt really bad for bothering the police, but they were very kind.
Dd later dumped him, thank goodness - he was a nightmare.

Good luck lass, I really hope you are ok. If he is ok then I would definitely cut all contact, when they stop being able to control you they start on the kiddoes. Speaking from experience. Thinking about you today and hope you can find some time to look after your own wellbeing, something soothing and relaxing just for you. These men don't half take their toll on the women they shack up with. I've just been told I have PTSD and I left nearly four years ago.

For what it’s worth, I think you’re right to get police to do a welfare check

If you had suspicions someone may have harmed themselves, you’d do nothing? Seriously?

As virtually every other poster has said, getting the police to do a welfare check is the best course of action.

Ring 101 and report to Police, they can decide whether to do a welfare check.

I wish people would read the thread properly christmasstrike already withdrew what they said, don't really need a thread full of people telling them off.

He was abusive in every way possible towards me and due to this he only has supervised visits/telephone with the DC.

I do have an injunction against him-just to netigate anymore involvement but we are allowed to communicate with each other concerning the DC.

Recently, for the past few months, ex mental health has been spiralling down. He was sending me frequent texts about wanting us to get back together and if not he will kill himself. Of course, I first, I was worried and tried to talk him out of it but after a while, I soon began to ignore him.

OP, I am reading this as someone who has a) experienced the loss of a close relative via suicide and b) helped another close relative leave an abusive relationship.

It is very, very clear reading your posts that this man is still attempting to manipulate and abuse you, and unfortunately he has now found a way to do this successfully. I believe this to be true even if he has actually taken his own life (although I think it's much more likely that he hasn't) - abusive men are known to do this as a final act of punishment. If he has done so, it is NOT your fault.

I would really recommend that you allow this incident to prompt you to massively reduce the amount of contact that you still have with him. You have mentioned lots of texts and also him calling you. I understand that a certain level of contact is needed because of the shared children but your ex is abusing the contact he has with you to manipulate you further and not for the purpose it is supposed to be used. It is therefore pointless for the children and harmful to you.

Can you appoint a third party to be a middleman between you? I would be aiming for a situation where there is no direct contact between you at all - the third party can pass on anything that's actually relevant about the children but can otherwise ignore all messages about getting back together and can report to the police for welfare checks if necessary. I imagine he'll get bored of it once he realises it's not affecting you.

I would also consider, in the light of his recent behaviour, whether having any contact with him at all in in the best interests of the children.

I am very sorry that you're having to deal with this. Try to take a step back and see it for what it is - a continuation of his abuse of you. People who are mentally unwell and suicidal tend to just do it, they don't repeatedly say they're going to do it in an attempt to threaten you into doing what they want. That's what abusers do.

I think you should step away. If he's posting his intent on social media he must have friends who would check up on him.
If he does take his own life its not your responsibility or your fault.
The fact that his mother is untroubled by this speaks volumes x

Two months ago, one of his relatives contacted me that he was admitted into hospital because he tried to commit suicide. I contacted one of his friends (who sent me a rude message) to check on his well-being

Either, contact one of them yourself. Or if you're asking police to do a welfare check, you could give them the contacts.

I think the Police is the right call to make. He could be in trouble - he could be manipulating you. But you don't know, so let the Police sort it.

What a nightmare for you.

I can’t believe there are people advising you to do nothing

This man has sent the OP texts with explicit evidence of suicidal ideation and you’re telling her it’s not her problem? I’d be phoning the police also and getting them to do a welfare check, well done for having some sense and compassion OP

He's probably trying to guilt trip you but I certainly wouldn't want to take the risk at this stage, so I think you've done the right thing by asking for a welfare check.

The trouble with threats is that it can turn into The Boy That Cried Wolf.

There was one person who suggested it then admitted they were wrong pretty quickly.

What CloudsAbove said.

Welfare check but only via police, not his friends / relatives, who are ‘flying monkeys’ to his abuse. And be sure to emphasise that he is abusive, you have an injunction and that they must not tell him that the welfare check is from you.

He is messing with your head. I do have a friend whose abusive ex did kill himself, and it was deliberately to punish and emotionally torture her.

She has had counselling and her (and her kids’) life has been so much freer since he killed himself.

There is nothing you can or should do wrt his ongoing MH or suicide threats, nothing you do can do anyway. His life is in his hands and his alone. You can’t influence what he does.

But obviously the care of your children is a major concern. And my heart goes out to you over that.

Tell the police what you have told us, they can arrange a welfare check

I saw that poster retract what they said but there have been at least two others.

There was at least 2 others.

You are doing the right thing by asking for a welfare check.

Sorry @WhackingPhoenix I must have missed them. I'll shut up!

The funeral adverts I'm getting on the right hand side are a bit off - HQ might want to sort that (I haven't googled anything that might trigger it)

And the police check is absolutely the right thing to do

Why do poor kids have to see such manipulative wankers?

He really is ramping it up isn't he?

Still carrying on with the abuse.

I think that calling the police is the right thing to do for your own peace of mind.