**Trigger Warning** I think my ex may have committed suicide

[NCfail1]

Hello everyone,

NC for this.

I am quite concerned about my ex, who is the father of my DC. To give a bit of a backstory. He was abusive in every way possible towards me and due to this he only has supervised visits/telephone with the DC.
I do have an injunction against him-just to netigate anymore involvement but we are allowed to communicate with each other concerning the DC.

Recently, for the past few months, ex mental health has been spiralling down. He was sending me frequent texts about wanting us to get back together and if not he will kill himself. Of course, I first, I was worried and tried to talk him out of it but after a while, I soon began to ignore him.

Two months ago, one of his relatives contacted me that he was admitted into hospital because he tried to commit suicide. I contacted one of his friends (who sent me a rude message) to check on his well-being.

On social media, he kept putting up posts that he wants to 'kill himself' and that because he is "30, has no family, no job, there's no point in life". He even commented that no one should let me come to his funeral as I am "evil" . A week ago, he sent me a message to say 'Happy Birthday' to once of the DC's, who birthday is coming up soon, incase his not around. Then he called me, and I got a bit annoyed with him- a bit snappy and ended the call.

This week, he missed his contact session with the DC's. He has never done this before. He also missed the telephone session. Which he has never done before. When the DC attempted to contact him, he was unable to get through and just told me that 'Daddy's phone has been off since Sunday, I can't get through to him". I then attempted to contact him but DC was right, his phone is off.

I don't know what to do. Although, he has made my life shit in so many ways. He is still the father of my DC's and I'm worried about his mental health being. I don't know what to do- without getting myself too involved.

It's not an unreasonable question.

"He told me he was going on a 3 week holiday" or "he has a history of going quiet on me but always answers the kids" is very different to "he's mentally abused me and I have an injunction against him and he threatened suicide so I don't know whether his silence is a continuation of abuse or genuine".

I couldnt agree more, completely normal question to get the background of the situation.

Depends on the tone really. Police call handlers should be aware that the questions are necessarily neutral for callers. And should reassure reporters they’ve done the right thing.

If you discover he's been fucking with you, that's unforgivable.

I think he's taking the piss out of you, personally.

Don’t feel bad, none of this is your fault x

Some people have empathy. The father of her children could be lying dead somewhere. You don’t know how that will affect you further down the line

It's not silly;there was a thread on here where very sadly the OP's children's father had passed in this way and there were welfare concerns so the police were contacted.

I hope this isn't the case and all is okay;don't be sorry that you've refused to be drawn into the other things he's been doing though.It's not yours or anyone else's job to fix him.

I don’t think this is helpful.

Someone who has experienced years of abuse, which includes the frequent use of suicide threats, is absolutely entitled to do nothing in the face of behaviour that could very easily be an escalation of that abuse.

Having empathy would be to understand that and reassure that person that their responsibility is to their and their children’s well-being. It’s not to put herself and her children at risk of further abuse. It would in no way be the OP’s fault or responsibility of her abusive ex were ‘lying dead somewhere’. In fact, she should be supported if doing nothing felt like the right response.

I'd like to think that I'd do nothing, but for the sake of my kids I'd probably do what Op has.

Then try to fínd a way to fuck him off & keep him away from the kids.

I think it's another way to manipulate you but you've done all you can now.

Don't feel guilty - his mental health is not your responsibility.

I’m sorry to hear this, it must be causing you a lot of stress 😢I hope all works out ok

You've done the best you can OP and have nothing to feel guilty about AT ALL!! I hope there is a good outcome but whatever has happened you should not be feeling guilty.

Please don't. Making a decision to tell someone isn't as easy as others think.

In my case, I knew that the person who was suicidal had no-one but me to talk to about his mental health. I also knew that if I sent someone to his house that night (it was 1am and I live two hours away) he would never forgive me, and then he'd have no-one.

Fortunately he walked back from his decision. I then phoned a helpline because I was so worried that I'd done the wrong thing in not contacting the police. They reassured me that I was not responsible for him and that any action he took would have been his choice and responsibility.

That police officer was wrong to try to guilt you. Ignore him.

The officer questioned me as to why I didn't tell them sooner
I doubt they were being judgemental, just trying to get more information to allow them to decide the best way to respond.

E.g you might say "I did but I didn't hear back" - then they would follow up on the original complaint

You might say "he does this regularly so I was waiting to see if he contacted me" - they might think he's most likely still alive but in distress so need to think about medical support

You might say "it's totally out of character and I thought someone else (mum/friend etc) would check in" - they might think he's dead and has been a while so to prepare attending officers.

Oh and I agree it's highly likely that he's absolutely alive but you can at least reassure the kids then. He's an abusive knob. You need to be able to reassure the kids without you having to engage in his mind games.

Don't feel bad op! The fact is he has a track record for using it as a manipulation tool. At least now you will know he's being check on. And if he's fine the police will likely point out to him that it's best not to waste their time.

My abusive exH did this to me. The whole "I'm so depressed crap" but he never outright said he would kill himself - he just implied it. I got a goodbye text in the middle of the night, a few days before Christmas when he was supposed to go out of town with the kids to see his family.

This will probably make me sound bad to posters on here...but I didn't care. I hoped his goodbye text was for real and that me and my children never had to put up with him again. I did ring the police though - but only so that it was on record that he did this if he turned out to be fine. To have it on record to protect my kids from him and get potentially get supervised access in place since he wanted to show himself as unstable.

He was of course completely fine, he was trying to manipulate me and he took the call to the pilice/welfare check as a sign that I still cared about him. And then tried to have a massive fight with me after I refused to let him take the kids out of town on the heels of him playing the depressed/suicidal card.

I'm so sick of men who do this. They're better off out of the picture. Sorry not sorry.

Whatever they do is not on you. I do not think you would have been wrong if ultimately you had chosen to do nothing. This person is not your responsibility and presumably they have friends who would have more duty of care than you, his abused ex wife. They could have reported it, especially if he had been posting all over social media.

Anyway, for your own sake and since you do care what happens to him, I hope he is ok. I'd not care at all about what happens to someone who had consistently treated me and my children badly and whom I wanted out of our lives. Not that I'd wish them dead, but if that's what they did...whatever. It's not my problem.

If someone raped you, it doesn't matter if they're the father of your child. You owe them nothing and truthfully your children would be better off without that person. Certainly any future partners would be better off without him.

Are his initials MB?

You've done the right thing and been the bigger person for the sake of your dcs' relationship with their Dad. You can't do anything else. Sounds horrific and you have my every sympathy. 🤞🏼

OP please do not allow the police question to make you feel bad. Many posts here articulate why he is not your responsibility.

If it does turn out to be a false alarm (and a wicked way to manipulate and upset his own kids FGS) do not give him any sign that you care or have been ruffled.

Don’t text or call him from your phone. Missed calls trying to reach him are a triumph to him. Don’t look at his Fb page: there are ways to see who has been looking at your page.

If he has carried out his threat, I am deeply sorry for the conversation you will have with your kids.

But please, I beg you, promise us, that they never hear you say “if only I had….” Or “I feel bad”.

Dad was very poorly in his mind, etc. But no hint that you or they could have done a single thing to help.

OP, have you done the Freedom Programme, or are you getting any other support or counselling to deal with the after effects of abuse?

@NCfail1 of course as a loving mother you're hoping for an amicable relationship with your ex for your children's sake. Unfortunately based on what you've written about your ex and his behaviour towards this seems unlikely to happen. Your children can't protect themselves emotionally against an abusive father so you must protect them. If your children ask about their dad you can just say that you don't know but hopefully you'll find out soon. Keep record of all contact you've had so far for evidence for court. Then as I said previously limit all communication to email and strictly concerning the children, block his number and hang up immediately if he tries to contact you from another number.

If he is in fact perfectly fine this is clear evidence of his attempt to still abuse you.

Is there any chance he could be punishing you and doing this just to make you worry?
It's an old trick for abusers to have a last ditch attempt at keeping control.
(My abusive ex did it to me as well)

Have been thinking about you all afternoon OP.

Hope you are ok, have you had any news from the police welfare team?

What a weird thing to make up that has nothing to do with the op.
Any updates op?