Boyfriend is kind of making me feel bad about my past…

[EmbarrassedNameChangeDontJudge]

Hi!

So I trued to find other threads about this first, but none of them really fit my situation, so I thought I’d just ask.

So lately my boyfriend has been making comment about our relationship / about my past.
I was a virgin before him, and I’m ”late to the game” and he’s now saying that I’m going to regret only being with one person, how I’m going to want other people at some point, do different things and that I should have had other’s in the past and he pretty much said it wasn’t normal to be inexperienced at my age. These kind of things.

Now, I have never said anything about any of this, I don’t care about other’s and I’ve been fine with everything.
I did try and lightening the mood by saying that he hadnt’t open the door to some magic world of sex that I now have to go and explore 😅 but I don’t think it went so well.

Everything was fine before this, it’s been about a minth now with these comments and they starting to make me bit upset.
More so the comments of my past (well the lack there of….)

Get rid of him. Trust me.

Another get rid of the nasty individual!

How many partners has he had ? How old are you both? I get the impression he is projecting on to you what it is he actually wants. He is the one who wants to experience more partners but doesnt have the bottle to say it.

Your past is none of his business. I think I'd say to him "you know, you're right, I will want other people, so why don't I start right now and get a few notches on my belt".

Honestly OP, throw this one back and find someone a bit more mature in their outlook.

I’d say it’s more you’re going to regret being with this person if you stay with him.
Bin him off now.

What's the sex like?
Shit, I'm guessing

That's just weird OP. Him, not you.

Plenty of people have had no or very few sexual partners before happily settling down - it may not be the majority in modern western culture, but neither is it particularly unusual. I mean I just thought of five couples I know who that's true of in under a minute.

You could ask him why he is so obsessed about this. Seems a bit neurotic, no?

I read out your post to my OH and he said, "he's a jerk!" (and then laughed at your "magic world of sex" line btw!).

Ugh
that’s just nasty and not kind

get your sexual spurs from him and then maybe try some others

they might be better and nicer

I don’t how many partners he has had, I always thought it was private info.
But I do know he has exes, so he doesn’t lack experience, well unless he wants more of it I guess… He hasn’t said anything about that one.

He’s going to be 30 in few weeks, I’m 27.

Is he feeling insecure about the relationship and maybe trying to sound you out about whether you’ll want to dump him and explore pastures new? I ask because of his “regret being with one person” comment.

Regardless, he’s made some really thoughtless comments. Batting it away with humour once is fine but if it’s upset you and he’s still saying this sort of stuff then it’s time to let him know how it’s made you feel.

If he raises the subject again you could say “I have to ask, why do you keep mentioning this? It’s starting to upset me now because it sounds like you don’t trust me.”

You're right, how many exes he has, or how many you have, or past experience isn't actually the issue. It's the reason behind him coming out with this that you want to get to the bottom of, because it's upset you.

A MONTH worth of these comments? Nah, fuck that for a lark. One mention of it in a semi joking manner I may entertain but not that bs.

If I was a betting person I'd say this is the beginning of 'prove your love/devotion/loyalty to me'. Which is a control tactic of the abuser.

The intention is to get you so wrapped up in trying to find a way to 'make him see' that you are devoted to him. 'If only I could find the right words to explain'. Thus you are too busy looking inwards to notice the shit behaviour from him (which he will of course blame on not being able to trust your word).

I can only tell you my experience from the other side. I was ‘experienced’ my husband was a virgin. I’ve never made him feel bad (because what is there to feel bad about!), I’ve never suggested he may want to sleep with other people or anything your boyfriend has done. I’ve now been married to my husband for 32 years, we are very happy. I wouldn’t stay with him if I were you.

Well, whatever his logic he is consistently making you feel bad. Making up a scenario that puts you on the back foot, presumably you then reassure him, tell him he is wonderful, how happy he males you!

Pack him up / yourself up and leave. Tell him he was quite right! His persistence in telling you he would not fulfil you has made you realise just how right he is. Ta ra!

No person who is worth your time plays those stupid games!

Yuk. He's laying the groundwork for a) you to be accused of looking for casual sex on the side, b) him to suggest you 'experience' this in the context of multiple partners/fulfilling his pornography fuelled fantasies about you with multiple men/another woman - and probably wanting to film it for blackmail purposes his personal wank bank, c) him saying that you're so inexperienced, you're shit at it, which is why he cheats, whether with consenting randoms or trafficked women and/or d) you do things you don't want to that he wants 'because every other woman who is ''normal'' does them for her partner.

You've had a month of it. He's not going to stop pushing you now, he's going to increase the pressure. And nobody should feel embarrassed, ashamed or in any way coerced in a relationship.

He’s just insecure that he’s not going to be enough for you. It’s his problem. Explain how you feel hopefully he stops but if he doesn’t you’ll have to decide if you can live with it or not.

You're inexperienced with relationships so let us guide you.

He's a massive twunt and he won't change. He's trying to make you feel bad about something that you shouldn't. He's trying to upset you. People who are supposed to care about you don't do that.

Hes showing you very clearly who he is, and you need to listen. Becauee he will not change, he'll only get worse. Get rid of this one. And next time kick them to the kerb the very second they put a toe out of line, not a month later!

Agree with others saying to get rid of this guy - he sounds awful!

This.

You will regret it bitterly if you don't.

My ex that I lost my virginity to made constant comments that he didn't believe he was the only person I had slept with etc. We didn't stay together long.

Honestly, I really didn’t think it was this bad.
Is it really?

I just want to say that it started with him just asking that if I was okey with only being with one person, I said all is fine - and that I have no interest in others.
That was it, it didn’t seem malicious (few of you made it sound like this is the beginning of contoling behaviour).

And later on it started to be more statements rather than asking.
It’s not all the time, and I actually thought that he let it go, until yesterday he said the thing about me being virgin for such a late age.
That was the one that did hurt me and what prompted me to come here.

He has seriously been so kind and lovely otherwise, it just these comments, I swear he has been so amazing and I really fallen for him.

Do you really want to stay with someone who thinks so little of you? He is basically telling you that he doesn't trust you not to cheat on him and that you'll go off to shag other blokes.

Mind you, he sounds like the sort of person who would call you a slag if you had slept with other people before him.

Annnnd that's you fell into the trap.

He is NOT insecure. He wants op to THINK he is insecure. So that she gets stuck on a merry go round of defending herself.

It's been a month of this already. Do you not think he knows this behaviour isn't ok? Of course he does! Op doesn't need to explain anything.

And if she tells him to stop it, and he does, it doesn't address the underlying issue. Which is that he shouldn't be saying these things in the first place (And thaheif he does stop, he will likely just use another tactic to make her feel like shit. Because it seems he is that kinda person).

Never excuse controlling behaviour as 'insecurity'. It is not. It is a tactic to make YOU insecure.

If fear that because you are so inexperienced relationship wise, you wouldn't know a red flag if it came and hit you in the face.

Op, this kind of behaviour is to undermine you, to make you lose confidence, and to feel like you can't leave him, and fuck knows what else is on his agenda. It's all about controlling you, and I promise it won't end here.

Every abuser starts off as kind and lovely. You wrote this today because you know something is off. Don't ignore your instincts.

@EmbarrassedNameChangeDontJudge

“Honestly, I really didn’t think it was this bad.
Is it really?”

I don’t think so, no. Unless he knows (as in, you’ve told him) how it’s making you feel.

Does he know how it is making you feel? Have you told him? Asked him not to harp on about it? Asked him why he is?

Give him a chance to show you who he really is and raise the subject with him.
Not all men pick up on the finer nuances of female emotions, particularly if it’s hidden behind humour, and different things make different people uncomfortable. How is he to know until you talk to him properly?

If, however, when you do talk to him about this and he deflects it, minimises it/your feelings or makes you feel stupid then THAT is when you should take heed of all the LTB he’s a twat comments.

If he’s mortified that he’s upsetting you and promises not to do it again (and sticks to that) then you’ve got a good guy.

Only people who are insecure act like that. Sane people who are comfortable and happy with themselves aren’t abusive.

this website, honestly lol. Where on earth was I excusing his behaviour?